The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men characters went off to get some popcorn with extra butter. Well I saw X-3 and it was awesome! Now here's how I think the Brotherhood would react to this movie! If you don't want to read any spoilers this fic is not for you. If you saw the movie or really want to know what happens or just plain don't care and want to see the Brotherhood rant…Go right on ahead.
Brotherhood Sneaking In The Movies
In a movie theater were Lance, Todd, Fred, Pyro, Pietro and Wanda. "Hello folks!" Todd waved. "And welcome to the Brotherhood Movie Review!"
"We decided to put our two cents worth on the big movie blockbuster that's sweeping the nation!" Pietro chimed in. "The best movie to hit this year!"
"Over the Hedge?" Fred asked. "Because I tell you that Hammy the Squirrel is one great actor."
"No, you meat wad," Wanda groaned. "X-3: The Last Stand! Does that ring a bell?"
"Oh yeah," Fred nodded. "We're not in that are we?"
"No Blob," Lance rolled his eyes. "We're not. Well most of us anyway. Which to me was this movie's one fatal flaw."
"Only one?" Pietro said. "There was a few of them actually."
"Yeah and the big one for me was WHY WASN'T MY CHARACTER AUSTRALIAN?" Pyro yelled.
"Here we go," Todd held his head.
"This is an insult! An insult!" Pyro fumed. "The Pyro in the movie not only wasn't Australian, he was blond! Blond!"
"And he lost to Iceman," Fred added.
"Blond? Why the hell was he blond! My hair is red! Red I tell you!" Pyro ranted. "You think they could have at least gotten my hair right! I mean they spend hours on Beast and Mystique and everyone else! But they couldn't spend five minutes to get some hair dye and put it on the guy?"
"Maybe they used it all up on the woman who played Jean?" Todd asked.
"IT'S A TRAVESTY! A TRAVESTY I TELL YOU!" Pyro sobbed. "AND I'M NOT EVEN AUSTRALIAN!"
"And you lost to Iceman," Fred said.
"WHO CARES WHO MY CHARACTER LOST TO!" Pyro sobbed. "I COULD HAVE LOST TO THE EASTER BUNNY FOR ALL I CARE! MY CHARACTER DESERVED TO LOSE FOR NOT BEING AUSTRALIAN! WHY WAS I NOT AUSTRAILAN? WAAAHHHHH!"
"Uh you're getting kind of emotional over this aren't you?" Wanda asked.
"DON'T TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!" Pyro was sobbing loudly. "I'M SO DEPRESSED I DON'T EVEN WANNA BURN ANYTHING! AAHGHH! I'M SORRY BUT I GOTTA GO CRY MY EYES OUT! WAAHHHHH!"
Pyro ran out of the theater. "Whoa…" Todd blinked. "What was that all about?"
"Have you guys been using my Midol again?" Wanda asked.
"Probably," Pietro shrugged. "Can we move on?"
"Yeah, that might not be a bad idea," Fred agreed.
"Okay here's another thing that's been bugging us," Lance said. "In the last bit of the movie it seems Rogue took the cure! Not that I can blame her…"
"Yeah let's not be too hard on her," Wanda said. "I mean if any mutant has the right to be cured it's her. She's suffered enough."
"You know I wasn't going to say anything," Pietro said. "Oh who am I kidding? I always have to say something. But is it just me or was the Rogue character in these movies a bit of a wimp?"
"Well she's definitely not like the Rogue we know, that's for sure," Lance agreed. "I mean come on, that scene where Iceman and Kitty are on the ice rink and she sees 'em? We all know the real Rogue wouldn't just stand there by the window. If that had happened for real he'd have been ice cubes in like two minutes!"
"Yeah the Rogue we know didn't think twice about shoving her mom off a cliff," Todd nodded. "No guy she would even suspect of two timing her would stand a chance!"
"So maybe it's just as well that the Movie Rogue took the cure," Wanda said. "Not that we learn it would stick anyway when we saw Magneto move that metal chess piece in the last half second of the movie."
"But that can't be right," Fred picked up a book. "See this is the novelization of the movie and it says that she didn't take the cure!"
"Really?" Pietro was curious. "You know what a novelization is?"
"Yeah and look at all these kiddie books," Fred took some out of a backpack. "They also say she didn't take the cure. What gives here?"
"Let me see that," Lance took some of the kid books. "Hey! He's right!"
"Boy the Blob being right about anything," Wanda said. "What are the odds?"
"Wait the junior novelization book says she did," Todd looked at two of them. "And in this one it kind of leaves the question open."
"Talk about your mixed messages," Lance snorted.
"Okay let's just get this out once and for all," Pietro said. "Now we all agree that mutants shouldn't take any cure and they should accept themselves for who they are. However…In Rogue's case…I can make an exception. I mean come on, who wants to live the rest of their life as a virgin? I'd rather be dead!"
"Tough talk from someone who's still a virgin," Todd rolled his eyes.
"LIES! LIES!" Pietro wagged his finger violently. "THESE ARE LIES!"
"No they're not," Lance said.
"YES THEY ARE! LIES ORCHESTRATED BY EVAN!" Pietro yelled. He calmed down instantly. "Which brings me to my next little rant. WHY THE HELL DID THEY HAVE NOT ONE BUT TWO EVAN CLONES IN THE FILM AND NOT ME?"
"Two clones?" Todd asked.
"The kid with the porcupine face and the other guy throwing spikes at Logan in the forest," Fred explained. "They even named one of them Spike."
"Oh yeah," Todd nodded. "You're right."
"Two of them," Pietro held his head. "There was two of them and none of me! That makes no sense!"
"Well kind of if you count that other version of Callisto," Fred pointed out.
"Which brings us to a special guest who wants to say something," Wanda said. "Our Callisto who has an editorial of her own."
"Thanks," Callisto sat down in the seat next to her. "Okay you know what really ticks me off and makes me want to shoot somebody? When they change a character completely in the movie. Like my character! Okay not only did they get the powers wrong, they changed the way I looked! What was it about that tattoo? And where the hell is my eye patch? What is wrong with having an eye patch?"
"You're not going to cry in the bathroom like Pyro are you?" Wanda asked.
"No I'm just going to go shoot a few writers," Callisto said.
"That won't solve anything," Todd shook his head. "Shoot a few movie studio executives instead."
"You're right," Callisto said. "Shooting someone people actually listen to in Hollywood makes sense. Thanks Toad." She left the theater.
"Happy to help! Other than the above mentioned flaws and slight hiccups," Todd spoke. "This movie was really good."
"Slight hiccups?" Pietro yelled. "You call me not being in it a slight hiccup?"
"No, I call that good taste," Fred snickered. Pietro gave him a dirty look.
"And now our top ten reasons why this movie rocked," Lance grinned. "Number ten: Explosions. Lot's of 'em!"
"I mean there's like at least fifty huge ones in this movie," Fred nodded. "I mean in one scene at least ten cars get blown up alone! Now in my book that's what makes a quality movie!"
"Number nine: the male leads," Wanda grinned. "I mean come on, Hugh Jackman? Shawn Westmore? And Kelsey Grammer as Beast. He looked pretty hot in blue fur."
The Brotherhood boys looked at her in shock. "What?" Wanda asked.
"You are a very sick and twisted person," Lance said.
"And you call me disgusting?" Todd cried out.
"That's because you are disgusting Toad," Wanda grumbled.
"What do those guys have that I don't?" Todd asked.
"We could devote a 100 chapter story to answer that question," Pietro remarked.
"How can you find the guy who played Frasier Crane hot?" Lance asked Wanda.
"I don't know, he just was," Wanda shrugged. "There's something about all that smarts and blue fur that really got me going!"
"Boy this really doesn't bode well for your relationship with Wanda does it Toad?" Fred gave his buddy a look.
"Can we move on before I completely lose my lunch?" Todd groaned.
"Considering his lunch was mostly cockroaches and popcorn that's not a bad idea," Pietro looked a little green.
"Number eight," Lance piped up. "SCOTT SUMMERS DIES! YES!"
"Irony of Ironies, he's killed by Jean Grey," Pietro snickered.
"The Wuss is dead!" Lance did a dance in his seat. "Dead! Dead! Dead! I swear I can't wait until it comes out on DVD so I can play that scene over and over."
"You're happy he's dead huh?" Todd remarked.
"Oh yeah," Lance nodded. "Too bad it didn't happen for real but you know…"
"You'll take what you can get," Todd finished it.
"Bingo!" Lance nodded.
"Why did they kill off Cyclops though?" Wanda asked.
"Besides fulfilling my lifetime dream?" Lance asked. "Who cares? As long as he's dead I'm happy."
"I think they had to write him off because that James Marsden guy had to go star in that Superman movie," Fred spoke.
"That wasn't him," Lance told his friend. "That's another guy! He's in some other movie. I think…Who cares? As long as he's dead! Deader than Deadeye, McDeadman buried on Dead Man's Hill. HAHAHAHAHAAAA!"
"Is it me or are you morons especially emotional today?" Wanda asked. "Now I know you guys ate my Midol."
"Number seven: Xavier dies," Todd grinned. "Also bumped off by Jean Grey."
"Unfortunately not for long," Pietro sighed. "If you can hold your bladder in for an extra five minutes after the movie you would know this."
"Well that last scene was at the end of the credits," Todd scratched his head. "Maybe it was a deleted scene or something?"
"They could have put in a lot better scenes in," Lance said. "Like an extended scene of Summers dying. That would have been fun."
"Lance give it a rest," Wanda groaned.
"Oh like he wouldn't do the same if the situation was reversed?" Lance snapped.
"Number six: Jean dies!" Fred called out. "YEEEHAAA!"
"Boy this film is a real bloodbath isn't it?" Pietro remarked.
"Number five: The Danger Room Scene," Wanda said. "I was impressed by the special effects. The head of a Sentinel flying. Hugh Jackman flying thanks to a fastball special. Hugh Jackman's huge rippling muscles…"
"Okay moving on!" Pietro interrupted. "Number four, Mystique getting what she deserves! Of course we could have done without the nudity."
"Amen to that," Lance groaned.
"What do you mean?" Wanda asked. "I thought you guys lived for that!"
"Not when the naked person in question is your former boss slash principal slash evil dictator that made your life hell," Lance gave her a look.
"Uh you see there was this incident before you moved in," Fred explained. "Well let's just say it involved an extra spicy burrito surprise, a faulty bathroom door lock and Mystique in the shower…"
"Brrr…" Pietro shuddered. "Still gives me the chills to this day!"
"Say no more," Wanda held up her hand.
"I wasn't planning on it," Fred groaned. "Let's move on shall we?"
"Number three: Cyclops, Professor X and Jean all die!" Pietro said happily. "I know we already said that but it was worth saying it again!"
"Number two: The big fight scene at Alcatraz," Fred went on. "It had everything! Humor! Action! Explosions! Lightning! Death! Magneto getting his butt kicked…"
"You'd be surprised at how many of his own people enjoy seeing that," Todd snorted.
"And the number one reason we liked this movie," Lance said. "Is…Actually what is the number one reason?"
"Things end up very good for mutant kind at the end of the movie and there's peace for mutants and humans?" Wanda asked.
"No, that's not it," Lance shook his head.
"That so called cure turned out to be a fake after all?" Fred scratched his head.
"No, that's not it either," Lance thought.
"How Sir Ian McKellen managed to score the best villain roles in two of the hottest movies of the summer that came out at the same time?" Todd asked. "Thereby earning him a wad of cash and a possible Oscar nomination?"
"That's definitely not it," Lance said.
"Hallie Berry kicks butt as Storm?" Pietro asked.
"That's it!" Lance nodded enthusiastically.
"Yeah the one time Storm looks good to me," Todd nodded.
"Dude, didn't she fry your character in the first movie?" Fred gave him a look.
"Oh yeah," Todd thought. "On second thought I'm sticking with Ian McKellen as my number one."
"Don't take it too personal Toad," Wanda said. "The movie version of Storm fries someone in every movie. I mean this time she got Callisto."
"No wonder she wants to shoot somebody," Fred remarked.
"Speaking of shooting," Wanda looked around. "Where is our fire flinging friend?"
"You mean Pyro?" Todd asked.
"No Toad I mean our other friend who likes to start fires!" Wanda rolled her eyes.
"I don't like to start fires that much!" Fred protested. "Okay maybe I like fireworks a lot and I enjoy it when they blow stuff up but that's not the same thing! Is it?"
"Sarcasm is a foreign language to you isn't it, Blob?" Pietro asked.
"I don't know. I don't remember taking it," Fred scratched his head.
"And cue the large headache," Pietro rolled his eyes. Pyro returned to his seat. "Speaking of which are you all better now Pyro? Or do you have to cry some more?"
"No I'm all good," Pyro nodded. "I was a little upset but I feel much better now. I just did a little meditation and I'm fine."
BRRRANG! BRANNG! BRRRANNNG!
"That's the fire alarm isn't it?" Lance sighed.
"Yup," Todd nodded. "It is."
"You set fire to the Boy's Bathroom didn't you, Pyro?" Lance asked.
"No, of course not!" Pyro huffed. "That would be stupid now wouldn't it? Where else would I have a tinkle?"
"So where did you set the fire?" Pietro asked.
"Movie projection room where they were showing Mission Impossible Three," Pyro said.
"At least he didn't do anything worse than the critics," Fred remarked.
"Well I see by the smoke in the air that it's time to end this first and probably last edition of Brotherhood Movie Reviews," Lance said as he got up.
"Hey it's not like we paid to see this movie," Todd told him as they made for the exit. "Or any other movie we sneak into."
"No, we just pay in other ways," Pietro rolled his eyes. "I get first dibs on the oxygen tank when we get home!"