Full Moon

Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to people who are not me. I am making £0.00 out of this fic, it is written purely because I have a burning need to create. Although I would like to own Alucard . . . then he'd be mine, my own pet Alucard ^_^ *coughs* it is XMAS after all.

Rating: PG-13

Part: One of One

Authoress note: Set between Volume 2 & 4 of the Manga. After the Wild Geese join Hellsing but before Rip Van Winkle takes over the Eagle.

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Full Moon

The walls were bleeding . . . again.

It was truly pathetic that this dream freaked her out as much as it did. She'd had worse dreams when she had been five years old and even worse ones after her parent's had died. The walls' bleeding was tame by comparison. But every time it would reduce her to a shaking shivering wreck, curled in her bed fighting back tears.

Tonight was no different; she stood alone in an empty room, waiting for it to start. It began slowly at first, blood seeping through the brick work to trickle down to the floor. Once she noticed it, it stopped seeping and started pouring. The blood ran down the walls and across the floor, pooling in the centre, getting deeper and deeper. Seras knew it would only stop when there was a pool of blood large enough for a person to bathe in and she would be left squatting in the corner staring, half hungry half repulsed.

She expected to be stuck staring at the pool until she woke up. Despite knowing full well this was a dream she could never force herself to wake up. She would have to sit here, torn in two, for however long it took her to wake up naturally.

She jerked suddenly when she felt a weight settle across her shoulders. This had never happened before. She shivered and closed her eyes, refusing to turn and look at what was suddenly behind her. It would be something awful, a ghoul, a dead ghoul that had once been human, her friend, one of Hellsing. The thought made her whimper quietly and tears fell.

She flinched when the tears were brushed away with a thumb.

"What..." she whispered turning to look behind her. Her master stood over her, looking down, his expression oddly neutral. She stared at him and he at her, neither of them said anything. He straightened after a moment and took a slow step away, still watching her. He stopped at the edge of the pool and turned away, dropping his coat in a heap.

He stepped down into the pool, apparently not minding that his clothes were getting ruined. He stepped forward again and everything below his waist had now vanished under the blood. He turned and looked at her, still oddly neutral.

"What are you doing?" Seras said quietly. Her master didn't answer her verbally but lifted his arm to offer her his hand. "You're kidding," Seras said. Her master said nothing, only remained silent and still, holding out his hand. Seras swallowed the lump forming in her throat and lowered her eyes to her own feet.

"It's alright," he spoke so quietly Seras nearly didn't hear him. She looked up to him and a sudden feeling of calm washed over her so abruptly she almost crumpled under it. The tension she'd been feeling ever since joining Hellsing was suddenly gone. The tension she'd not even been aware of, that was so much a part of her that she didn't even notice it anymore, was suddenly gone. She let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob and couldn't help but move forwards towards him, towards that feeling of calm.

"What is this?" she said taking his hand.

"Acceptance," he smirked at her. "It is how you should be, but cannot be until you choose." He pulled her gently but she didn't let him pull her into the pool.

"Wait," she whispered and he did.

"You are the one pulling yourself in two," he said softly. "The sooner you stop the stronger you will become." Seras pulled her hand back.

"Strength isn't the only thing that's important," she said.

"It is when you're the one hurting yourself," he said. "Let me help you." It was such an unexpected request that she didn't know how to respond. Usually her master's idea of 'help' was yelling. This almost coxing behaviour was unnerving. When she made no move her master sighed. Seras looked up he was fading, becoming invisible, disappearing from her dream.

"Wait," she said louder than she meant to. Alucard stopped fading and in a blink looked solid again. "I..." Seras stumbled over her words. "I don't like this, I hate myself. Hate that this has me so afraid."

"There is nothing to be afraid of," Alucard sounded almost impatient. "You cannot lose yourself over a dietary change."

"Don't say that, this is more than a dietary change and you know it," Seras said. Alucard smirked.

"True, but that decision was already made on the grass at Ceddar. Now all that's left is for you to accept that." He reached out to her again. "Peace is there if you want it, you just have to reach out."

Seras took his hand, his grip was cool and she noticed his gloves were gone. He pulled her forward gently and she let him. She let him lead her that slow step forward, down into the blood.

She woke up when he smiled.

"So Seras," the leader of the Wild Geese said. Seras was sure he was making his accent thicker on purpose. "The boys and I are going out this evening, you know a little celebration. We always celebrate a new contract, especially such a well paying one as this."

"You're asking me to the pub?" Seras said, raising an eyebrow.

"You say that like it is an odd thing to do?" Pip smiled. "Nothing odd in asking a pretty girl out for a drink."

"Except when just over a week ago said pretty girl flicked you across the room," Seras said. She deliberately did not mention the fact that in the days that followed her introduction to Pip and his men they had all flinched whenever she walked passed them.

"Water under the bridge," Pip said. "So, will you come?" Seras thought for a moment before smiling.

"Yes, thank you," she said.

"Magnifique," Pip said. "We will be leaving in..." he checked his watch, "Two and a half hours."

"I'll be ready," Seras said and started towards the basement.

She listened to Pip walk away and only when his footsteps faded out of ear shot did she let herself grin. Perhaps it was the light mood the dream had left her in that had made her say yes, perhaps it was the fact she was so damn tired of being alone, Seras wasn't sure but she didn't care either. She was going out, it was the first normal thing she had done since she stepped foot in this mansion.

"Awesome," she said to herself.

She entered her room and glanced at the wardrobe, she had very little in the way of civilian wear these days but if it was just a night out with the lads she doubted very much that anyone would care much what she wore. Dressing up was always something she had to worry about more when she was going out with her girlfriends. She opened the wardrobe and pulled out a pair of jeans and a jumper. It would have been nice to have gotten dressed up but no doubt no one else would be, it would just make her feel out of place.

"A vampire going out drinking with humans and I'm worried dressing up will make me feel out of place," Seras rolled her eyes. "Oh shush Seras, come on shower first, worry about clothes later." She nipped out of her room and down to the only bathroom down here.

The bathroom was small and cold but Walter kept it clean and well stocked. Seras turned on the shower and waited until the water started to steam. She stepped under the spray and smiled. She had always enjoyed hot showers but now that she didn't make any of her own body heat hot water felt truly decedent. She lifted the shampoo remembering when Walter had admitted to her why he kept the small bathroom so well stocked. "He has few pleasures in his life here. Hot water seems like such a simple one but it makes him happy." Walter had been talking about her master and Seras had found it humanizing that he enjoyed something so very simple that didn't involve bloodshed or violence. It was the first time she had started seeing him as more than just a monster.

Hair clean Seras poured out a liberal helping of body wash and took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of star fruit and lime. She debated shaving her legs but decided against it.

"It's just the pub, stop being daft," she muttered to herself. She left the body wash on for a few moments before rinsing it off. She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself and another around her hair before nipping back to her room to dry off and dress. Pulling on her jeans she glanced at the chest of drawers and the makeup sitting unopened on top of it.

"Ok, let's see what we've got," she pulled on her jumper and lifted the foundation to inspect it. Opening it she almost flinched, it was so pale. "Well, at least no one will say I'm orange." The foundation went on easily, as did the mascara and lipstick. Her short hair was drying already, she ran a brush through it and finished it off with the hairdryer. Looking in the mirror she smiled, she looked a bit more like her old self again. Picking up her purse she pulled out a few notes, so she could get a couple of rounds in, and pushing them into her pocket she went upstairs to wait for Pip.

It was awful.

She had thought being alone in her cold little room was bad but it was worse when you were alone and surrounded by people at the same time. She felt like a little girl again, the girl she had been when she arrived at the orphanage. Worthless, a pain, something tolerated but not wanted. The Wild Geese hadn't realized that Pip had invited her and had been uncomfortable, she watched them watch her. They looked afraid. Pip had been drinking before they left and upon arrival had attached himself to a long legged beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

She had been snubbed and it was awful.

Instead of dancing until dawn with her new found friends and comrades in arms, she found herself sitting in the corner, with the men edging further and further away, trying not to look like a badly behaved child. She pulled her mobile out of her pocket and glanced at the time, she had been here for three hours and no one had said three words to her. Without a word she stood up and walked out of the bar, no one called out to her or tried to stop her.

It was misty when she stepped out into the street. The damp air felt good on her skin, she started walking in the direction of the mansion. She thought about getting a taxi but decided against it, the walk would clear her head.

She found her thoughts returning to the dream. Alucard had spoken about accepting herself. It was an easy thing to say, accept yourself, but far more difficult to do in practice. But the feeling of peace she'd felt in the dream had been addictive, she wanted that again, she wanted it so much after feeling the complete and utter rejection earlier. She passed a bench and sat down resting her elbows on her knees.

To stand a chance of feeling that sense of peace again she had to come to terms with everything, all parts of her, not just the positive, esteem-able parts. She hadn't been able to do that as a human let alone now that she was a monster it was even harder. The blood thirst was a living nightmare, a weakness she could barely control, but it wasn't the worst part. There was a part of her that loved the violence, had always loved the violence and she just wasn't ready to deal with that. She couldn't accept herself unconditionally, free of any qualification.

"How can you think that," she muttered to herself. "You want those men to enjoy your company, unafraid and enthusiastic but you can't even do that yourself."

She was afraid of herself, even more than the men were. The men were scared she would hurt them, eat them. But she was afraid she would destroy herself. Her master said she already was destroying herself. But fighting her own instincts she was tearing herself apart. But even he was wrong, he thought that she was fighting the vampire part of herself but she was fighting a part of herself that had always been there, even as a child.

"This is terrible," she sniffed feeling sorry for herself. "How utterly pathetic." Movies and books always made vampires so dramatic and cool and here she was crying alone on a bench. She sniffed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "Screw this." She stood up and walked to a taxi rank.

Alucard was on the roof.

She was beginning to wonder if he spent all his time either in his room or on the damn roof. What on earth was he doing on the roof anyway? It was hardly an exciting place to be, it was cold and uncomfortable. The wind caught her hair as she stepped out and spotted him, perched on the railing. As she approached him she quickly realised he had left his coat and hat inside. She wondered if he was cold, the wind was howling, sending his hair lashing, but the thought evaporated with a shake of her head, of course he wasn't cold, her master was never cold.

Why then did he wear a coat? The question made her smile. She walked over and sat next down on the railing with him, letting her legs hang over the side. The height didn't bother her, heights never had, even when she was a child and they certainly didn't bother her now she was a vampire. Her master made no move to acknowledge her.

"Thank you," she whispered looking at him from the corner of her eye, "for the dream." He looked at her and smiled a little before nodding once.

"You're welcome," he said slowly, his expression confused as if he was surprised she was thanking him for invading her dreams.

She smiled and looked at the sky, it was clear and the moon was bright. Her vampiric vision allowed her to see all the thin lines of the lunar surface, the craters and the ridges. It wasn't perfect, it had imperfections just like her. Looking down from the moon at the horizon she sighed and gazed longingly at the tiny lights that were homes.

"Waiting for Santa out here?" she asked when the quiet between her and her master became uncomfortable. Alucard raised an eyebrow at her and shook his head, a confused expression on his features. "Then why are you out here alone?" she asked

"I like it out here, police girl," Alucard replied flatly. "I thought you would have realised that by now."

"Why?" she asked simply, being blunt and braver than she had been in a long time.

"Look up," he answered tilting his head. "What do you see?"

"Nothing," she replied.

"Then you are blind," he sniggered. "Look at the sky, police girl, and answer again."

"I see stars," she smiled, feeling a little confused by his ambiguity.

"And?" he prodded, taking her chin in his hand and tilting her head. "You were just admiring it's imperfections."

"I see the moon," she said. He released her chin and she looked at him.

"Exactly," his smile was subtle. "The moon has always been there and it has always looked the same. The moon never changes."

"Oh," she suddenly felt a small ball of sadness welling up inside her.

"It stays the same while everything else changes, everything grows old and dies," he continued. "Everything but us, and the moon." He turned from looking at the moon to his fledgling and frowned at her expression. She had realised that she wasn't the only one feeling alone.

"It is lonely," she whispered quietly. "With only the moon for company."

"It is true that the moon is a bitter sweet companion," he nodded.

"Maybe you should learn to accept yourself so you don't just have the moon for company," Seras said trying to be funny and failing. Her master smirked at her.

"Do as I say, not what I do," he muttered looking away. Seras sighed and glanced down at his hand on the railing, she covered it with her own, he turned his hand in hers and curled his fingers around hers.

The End

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My first Novel, Grey Wings has now been released!

GREY WINGS

Jason is stranded in a dark city, and is in desperate need of help when he has no idea how he will get home.

So, when he collides with Aurelius, an Angel only in the mildest sense of the word – who has committed a crime worthy of great punishment, but has been handed a rare chance at redemption – Jason can see a way home.

However, their journey will be hampered by Fallen Angels, Earth Spirits, and Griffons – and none can say if everyone will make it home.