Here is My Home
Chapter 1:
The apartment is, as always, quiet when he returns.
Empty and dark.
Loki goes about his usual routine, switching on the light by the front door, dropping his keys onto the dresser below the switch.
He removes his scarf and then his coat, hanging them up, making sure to lock the door behind him before he heads towards the kitchen, really only separated from the living room by a small island.
He goes about making himself a sandwich, the clinking of dishes and silverware against jars seeming especially loud in the small space, and he thinks of Thor's home, with Jane and their two children. How noisy it had been. But pleasantly so. A noise which had spoken of life and love and warmth.
Loki has lived alone for so long now, before last night, he had scarcely been able to recall what that sounded like.
Christmas Eve, and Thor had come to see him.
It had been the absolute last thing Loki had ever expected. When he'd looked up from his books and seen his brother standing there...
It had, all at once, been like the most wondrous relief, and most suffocating fear which had taken hold of him, and for an instant, he had sat frozen, shocked, mind blinking out and words lost to him entirely.
He supposes, until that moment, until Thor had opened his mouth and said hello to him, Loki hadn't even realized how much he missed him.
Hadn't realized how alone he'd been.
It had always gotten that way, around the holidays. One couldn't help being reminded, he supposed, if they really had no one, of that fact when all around you would see families together, shopping and laughing and enjoying each others company. Being in retail, he saw it especially during this time of year.
His own, fleeting memories would pass over his thoughts then. Of him and Thor, Mum and Dad, all together, how much joy and laughter and happiness there had been between them. Especially when he and Thor had been really young, and it was just the two of them, best and only friends.
Years had passed, and of course Thor, radiant Thor, had made friends of everyone he met, and Loki, well...
That hadn't ever been something he was very good at.
When Thor had met Jane, only a year before... before he'd found out, about where he'd come from, about the adoption, Loki remembers feeling such seething, burning jealousy towards her. Remembers it most of all for the way she had, somehow, been able to tame Thor's wild and reckless abandon. The way she'd soothed his brother into a calmness and thoughtfulness which Loki, for all his years of ceaseless trying, had never been able to do.
He had wanted to hate her for it, he remembers. At first he had. Had wanted to hate her for meaning more to Thor than he did. That's how it had felt. Because Thor listened to her, where he never listened to Loki.
But then, eventually, he had only been able to come to respect her.
She'd been smart. Immensely smart. Loki hadn't ever met another person, outside his mother and father, who had ever been able to keep up with his at times painfully rapid and noisy thoughts, who had been able to follow what he meant with such ease. Jane though... Jane had been able to match him, at times even surpass him when it came to certain things. She'd been sweet, but tough, never falling for any of his bullshit, calling him on it in a way, again, only Mum and Dad ever had. It had been an act, then, his callousness towards her. One which, eventually, he'd been unable to maintain, and she had won him over, easily as she'd won Thor over, he supposes.
When he'd seen in the papers that she and his brother had gotten married, and then Mum had told him again, Loki had only been able to feel happy for Thor, all the while ignoring the pang of regret he felt at not being able to be there for it.
Loki shakes his head, replacing the mayo and turkey in the fridge before closing the door, picking up his plate and drink and heading back into the living room.
Stupid, he thinks, to have spent so many years apart. But his pride had always been his one, great weakness. Thor's too. Only Thor had always been the braver of them also, and so Loki supposes he shouldn't have been so surprised, to see his brother reach out first.
Loki hadn't known what to expect when Thor had invited him to come spend Christmas with him and his family at their home. Hadn't been sure how Jane and his nephews would respond to his being there, hadn't been sure how he would respond to seeing them, Thor's two son's for the first time.
He'd felt so afraid. Terrified that they would reject him, and that fear had made him feel so angry towards himself. He'd promised himself a long time ago he wouldn't care what anyone thought of him ever again, but that was a promise which he'd always found impossible to keep.
And yet it had been exactly the opposite. Jane and the boys had welcomed him with open arms, accepted him into their home, and acted as though they were genuinely happy to have him there with them, on Christmas day.
Loki had sat with Thor and Jane on the couch, watching as Modi and Magni opened their presents under the tree, and had felt stunned beyond words when the two children had, instead of Thor or their mother, wanted to share their new toys and play with him.
Halfway through the morning, Loki had excused himself to go to the bathroom, and to his great embarrassment, had started sobbing his eyes out, trying to muffle the sound of it against his palm. He hadn't even understood what was wrong with him, why he was reacting the way he was, why he couldn't stop weeping.
Eventually, Thor had come looking for him, asking if he was alright, and Loki had tried vainly to cover the evidence of his tears by splashing cold water on his face. He's certain both Jane and his brother had known he was crying, but neither of them, to his gratitude, had said a word.
Later, they'd tried convincing him to come with them over to Mum and Dad's for dinner, but Loki had declined.
He couldn't. Not now. Not yet. Not after everything else.
Thor had offered to drive him back to his apartment then, and again, Loki had declined, a sudden, deep embarrassment coming over him at the thought of his brother seeing his ratty, tiny flat after having spent the whole night and most of the next day in his and Jane's beautiful, sprawling house.
Thor had insisted then in at least driving him to the bus stop and waiting with him until it came, and Loki hadn't been able to say no to that.
"I'll call you tomorrow." Thor had told him when the bus had come, and he and Loki had hugged one another, Loki promising to pick up when he did.
He sits down on his couch now, placing his plate and glass of water down on the coffee table.
He thinks about turning on the television, just to have some noise fill the space, but decides against it. He isn't even sure why he ever bought the TV. He never watches it.
He should probably just turn in soon, really.
He'd given Darcy and Leah off until after New Years, but he'd planned on keeping the shop open by just himself. He couldn't really afford to have it closed too many days. It barely pulled enough cash in for him to stay afloat. He hadn't told Thor that. The last thing he or his brother needed was more drama, and Loki knows Thor, he would have offered to help, and Loki would have had to tell him no, and then there would have been an argument.
Loki tries not to think about how he also doesn't like to close the shop because when he does, he's really got nothing to do otherwise. No where to really be, no one to see.
Darcy had invited him to come and spend the holiday's with her and her family over in the States, had even offered to pay, but Loki couldn't accept something so generous. Darcy was only working for him to supplement her income as she made her way through University, and he wasn't about to take the money she worked for.
Leah had even invited him to spend time with her and her Mom, but again, Loki had felt awkward and hadn't wanted to impose. Both girls were friends, as much so as Loki had ever been able to call anyone friend. But he just didn't do well with the whole socializing thing.
People always found him... strange, and he didn't really know how to change that.
He isn't even really hungry, he realizes, as he takes a few bites of his sandwich.
He keeps thinking about Thor, about his kids, about Mum and Dad and all of them together right now, eating dinner and celebrating.
He thinks maybe he shouldn't have turned Thor and Jane down after all. But he doesn't know how that situation would have gone either. Not with Odin there. It was probably better this way, really.
He sits there a little while longer, nibbling on his food, his mind going back and forth, until he can't eat anymore.
He stands, walking back to the kitchen and wrapping the rest of his sandwich up, putting it in the fridge and putting the plate in the sink.
He makes sure to kill the lights before heading into his bedroom, suddenly feeling too tired to do anything more than unbutton his shirt and throw it on the floor before flopping down onto his mattress.
Tired as he is, he still isn't able to fall asleep for nearly an hour afterward.
When he finally does, as always, it is filled with unhappy dreams.