…yeah, I have no excuse here. I was insanely bored, and the only thing I could think about was kittens. Now please enjoy the product of this odd combination!
Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist
Edward, Alphonse, and Roy walk down a street in Central and run into Lust, Envy, and Pride who are all carrying cartons of kittens for no particular reason.
"KITTIES! Gimme gimme gimme!" Alphonse yells at the top of his lungs.
Edward smacks his forehead and sighs heavily. "Al, how many times do I have to tell you? NO CATS."
"But brother!" Al pouts. "They're so fluffy and lovable and delicious and…"
At this, everyone's jaw drops to the ground. Al, nervous at being discovered, searches his mind for a way to distract everyone.
"Uh, er, I mean, um…" he mumbles. Then he points at Envy and screams, "LOOK A FLYING PALMTREE!"
Now it's Roy's turn to look at Alphonse with exhaustion. "Al, he's not flying."
Al looks around shiftily, and then comes up with a plan. "One moment…"
Al transmutes a giant cannon into which he stuffs Envy. Roy uses his flame alchemy to light the fuse. Envy is shot into the sky and lands in a pile of applesauce. Al picks up Envy's abandoned box of kittens and runs into the corner so he can play with them.
Lust gets very angry. "Hey, you dumb suit of armor!" she yells at Alphonse. "Why would you want Envy's kittens? They're all mean and evil, while mine are prissy and gorgeous!" She flips her hair and giggles.
"I wouldn't mind a prissy and gorgeous kitten, if you know what I mean…" Roy says with a suggestive twinkle in his eye.
Suddenly, a portal appears under their feet and transports them back to the room where Lust died. This time, she defeats Roy, which makes him very ashamed so he goes and hides with Envy in the applesauce. Lust is transported back to Pride, Edward, and Alphonse.
Lust flips her hair again and smiles triumphantly. "Now THAT'S what should have happened the first time around!"
"You may have beaten the colonel," Edward grins cockily, "but you'll never beat me! I defeated Pride!"
"That's really not that much of an accomplishment…" Lust deadpans.
Pride is furious. He raises his little fist in the air and cries, "HEY! I am the oldest homunculus! Beating me should be the highest honor!"
"Oh, really?" Lust raises an eyebrow.
The portal reappears and transports Lust and Pride onto a cloud. Lust, who is not smart, thought that clouds were solid so she ends up falling through them and into the applesauce with Roy and Envy, which makes Roy very, very happy. Envy suddenly wishes he was not in the applesauce. His wish is granted, and he reappears with Ed and Al. Pride gently lands on the ground because he can use his shadows like a parachute. The shadows don't like this, but they're just shadows so no one really cares.
Pride says, while smiling proudly at his victory, "And that is why I am the oldest, most powerful homunculus!"
"But what about the fact that you're the shortest homunculus?" Envy sneers.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR BECAUSE THE HANDLE'S TOO HIGH?" Ed yells for no particular reason, since no one was talking to him anyway.
Envy decides to state the obvious. "Uh, I was talking to Pride…"
"You said short. That was all I needed to hear."
Alphonse has now left the corner because the box of kittens he had before has mysteriously disappeared, including the actual box. He joins the conversation with an apologetic, "Please forgive my brother. He subconsciously reacts to any joke made about height, even if it's not about his height."
Now Roy and Lust return from the applesauce, both very applesauce-y and Roy looking very giddy.
"Heeheehee," Roy giggles maniacally, "you'll never guess what I just did!"
Edward retches. "You sick and disgusting man…"
Roy is not fazed by this, and leaves to go take a shower, humming his own version of "I'm Too Sexy." Lust follows him, displaying such a look of helpless infatuation that it makes Envy swear very, very coarsely. So coarsely, in fact, that a stray bolt of lightning comes and strikes him and turns him into a charbroiled palm tree. Envy is so embarrassed that he runs away crying, leaving only Ed, Pride, and a kitten-less Al remaining. Al suddenly notices Lust's abandoned box of prissy gorgeous kittens.
"YAY MORE KITTIES!" Alphonse yells, stars in his eyes. He picks up the box of kittens and prances around singing, "Tralalalala…"
"Alphonse, put down the box of kittens right now or we won't go for ice cream!" Edward commands, hands on his hips.
"You're so mean, big brother!" Al sniffles. "That's why no one likes you!"
Al runs off crying, still carrying the box of kittens, who are now meowing furiously. Ed sighs exasperatedly and starts to go after him, leaving only Pride standing on the street, still holding his box of kittens, which ironically only contains one kitten.
"Looks like I proved Father wrong," Pride says with glee. "I got to keep my kitty!" He puts down the box, takes out the kitten, and starts to head back to the homunculi lair.
"Come on, Pride Jr.," he says, "let's leave before any more strange things happen…"
Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I should get some more sleep or something…heh. Review if you laughed at least once!