Dork Diaries Adventure Time Style: An Adventure Time With Finn and Jake Fanfiction
By Sassy Simone
Note: I do not own Dork Diaries. Dork Diaries is written by Rachel Renee Russell.
This Diary Belongs To
Finn
No Snooping Allowed!
Saturday, August 31
Sometimes I wonder if Jake is BRAIN DEAD. Then there are days when I know he is.
Like today.
The drama started this morning when I casually asked if he would buy me one of those cool new iPhones that do almost everything. I considered it a necessity of life, second only to oxygen.
What better way to clinch a spot in the ARP(Awesome, Radical and Popular)group at my new private school, Land Of Ooo Country Day, than by impressing them with a wicked new cell.
Last year, it seemed like I was the ONLY student in my ENTIRE middle school who didn't have one :(. So I bought an older, used phone supercheap from Choose Goose.
It was bigger than what I wanted, but I figured I couldn't go wrong for the clearance price of only $12.99.
I put my telephone in my locker and spread the word that everyone could now call me with all the JUICY gossip on my NEW telephone. Then I counted down the minutes before my social life started heating up.
I got really nervous when two of the ARP guys came walking down the hall in my direction chatting on their cell phones.
They came right over to my locker and started acting superfriendly. Then they invited me to sit with them at lunch and I was like, "Umm...okay, man." But deep down inside I was jumping up and down and doing my Barney "happy dance."
Then things got really strange. They said they had heard about my new $600 Juicy Couture designer cell phone and that everyone(meaning the rest of the ARP crew) couldn't wait to see it.
I was about to explain that I had said "juicy gossip on my new phone" NOT "new gossip on my Juicy phone," but I never got a chance because, unfortunately, my telephone started ringing. Very abnormally loudly. I was trying my best to ignore it, but both of the ARP guys were staring at me like, "Well bro, aren't you going to answer it?"
Obviously, I didn't want to answer it because I had a really bad feeling they were going to be a little disappointed when they actually saw my phone.
So I stood there praying that it would stop ringing, but it didn't. And pretty soon, everyone in the hallway was staring at me too.
Finally, I gave in, snatched open my locker, and answered the phone. Mainly to stop that AWFUL ringing.
I was like, "Hello? Umm...sorry, dude. Wrong number."
And when I turned around, both of the ARP guys were running down the hall screaming, "Make it go away! Make it go away!" I guessed it problaly meant they DIDN'T want me to sit with them at lunch anymore, which really sucked.
The most important lesson I learned last year was that having a CRUDDY phone-or NONE at all-can totally RUIN your social life. While hordes of celebrity party princesses regulary FORGET to wear tiaras, not a single one would be caught dead without her cell phone. Which was why I was nagging Jake about buying me an iPhone.
I've tried saving up my own money to buy one, but it was impossible to do. Mainly because I'm an adventurer and TOTALLY ADDICTED to saving the day!
Like, if I don't do it every day, I'll go NUTZ!
I spend ALL of my cash on swords, gauntlets, backpacks, armor and other stuf. Hey, I'm so BROKE, I have a cupcake on layaway at the Candy Kingdom!
Anyway, when Jake came back from the mall with a special back-to-school present, I was pretty sure I knew what it was.
He rambled on and on about my attending a new private school was going to be a "hard time of your 13 year old life" and how my best "colleague" would be to "converse" my "thoughts and feelings."
I was absolutley ECASTIC because you can converse with a NEW CELL PHONE!
Right? :)
I kind of zoned out on most of what Jake was saying because I was DAYDREAMING about all of the algebraic ring tones, music and movies I was going to download. It was going to be LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!
But after Jake finally finished his little speech, he smiled really big, hugged me, and handed me a BOOK.
I opened it and FRANTICALLY flipped through the pages, figuring that maybe he had hidden my new cell phone inside.
It made perfect sense at the time because all the advertisements said it was the thinnest model on the market.
But slowly it dawned on me that my BFF had NOT gotten me a cell phone, and my so-called present was just a stupid little book! :(
Talk about total HEARTBREAK!
Then I noticed that ALL of the pages of the book were BLANK.
I was like, OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T!
Jake had given me two things: a DIARY and irrefutable evidence he IS, in fact,
CLINICALLY BRAIN DEAD!
Absolutely no one writes their intimate feelings and deep, dark secrets in a diary anymore! WHY?
Because just one or two people knowing all your BIZ could completely ruin your reputation.
You're supposed to post this kind of stuff online in your BLOG so MILLIONS can read it!
Only a TOTAL DORK would be caught WRITTING in a DIARY!
This is THE worst present I have ever recieved in my entire life! I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs: "Jake, I don't need a STUPID book with 288 BLANK PAGES!"
What I NEED is to be able to "converse" my "thoughts and feelings" to my friends using my very own cell phone.
Wait! Silly me. I keep forgetting. I don't have any friends. YET. But that could change overnight, and I need to be prepared. With a sleek, new cell!
In the meantime, I will NOT write in this diary again.
NEVER! EVER!
Monday, September 2
Okay. I know I said I'd never write in this diary again. I meant it at the time. I'm definitely not the kind of dude who snuggles up with a diary and a box of Candy Kingdom Brand chocolates to write a bunch of really mushy stuff about my awesome girlfriend, my first kiss, or my overwhelming ANGST about the HORRIFIC discovery that I'm a KING of a small Spanish-speaking principality and now worth MILLIONS.
THIS IS SO NOT ME!
MY LIFE TOTALLY SUCKS!
All day I wandered around my new school like a zombie in a green backpack. Not a single person bothered to say hi.
MOST OF THE TIME I FEEL INVISIBLE!
How am I suposed to fit in at a snobby prep school like Land Of Ooo Country Day? This place has a Starbucks in the cafeteria!
I wish Lady Rainicorn had NEVER been awarded a worm extermination contract from this school.
They can take their little pity scholarship and give it to someone who wants and needs it, because I sure DON'T!