Title: The Murder of Dr. Kavanaugh
Authors: The Noble French Fry (nercabeyul) andcoexistlove
Rating: PG
Word Count: about 2000
Summary: SGA-1 and Elizabeth have a plan to get rid of Atlantis' biggest pest...
A/n: Well, coexistlove and I got together to write this entirely evil fic... I hope you all enjoy, we had fun writing it!
"Oh man! Kavanaugh's being a pain in the ass again," Weir muttered as she put her head in her hands. "Ever since he sent that damn list to the SGC, I haven't been able to get enough sleep."
"I can throw him out an airlock..." Ronon offered.
"I think I would prefer handing him over to the Wraith," McKay put in. "Maybe he'll get on their nerves enough to scare them away from humans."
"Or maybe his ego will poison them when they try to feed on him," Sheppard added.
"Either way, I do not believe he would be missed," Teyla agreed.
"I say we throw him to the Wraith and let them have a field day with him!" Sheppard said.
"Or we can throw him out of an airlock," Ronon insisted.
"Well let's contemplate the latter first," Elizabeth suggested. "If we give him to the Wraith what is the likelihood he'll show up back here?"
"I believe it is very high," Teyla agreed with a sigh.
"Exactly," Elizabeth said, punctuating her point with a finger. "If we get rid of Kavanaugh, we need him to stay gone. Otherwise it'd be pointless."
"Which is a good argument for throwing him out the airlock!" McKay stated.
"Well, I don't know..." Elizabeth said, stopping to think about what they were discussing. "It all suddenly seems kind of barbaric."
"Elizabeth..." John chided. "Do you want to get recalled to Earth?"
"No," Elizabeth said. "But it still doesn't seem right"
"Getting rid of Kavanaugh is right for everybody," McKay argued. "All of Atlantis would definitely sleep better knowing that pain in the ass was gone."
"McKay's right and it'd be no trouble to shove him out an airlock," Ronon added.
"I could fly the ship," Sheppard volunteered.
"I still don't know..." Elizabeth said slowly. "We're talking about murder."
"We're talking about bettering Atlantis," Sheppard said.
"I don't know..." Elizabeth said. After a moment, she sighed. "Give me tonight to sleep on it."
Later that afternoon, Elizabeth was casually walking down the hallway in Atlantis. She thought about the discussion she had with SGA-1 and was mulling over her options as she walked when a very annoying voice came from behind her.
"Dr. Weir..." the voice said. Right away, Elizabeth knew exactly who it was and she did not want to deal with him.
However, she forced herself to slowly turn around, plastering a semi-pleasant look on her face. "Yes, Dr. Kavanaugh?" she asked, likewise forcing her voice even.
"I'd like to talk to you about the absolutely unacceptable behavior of some of the lab assistants," Kavanaugh said in his typically annoying way. "Their foolish decisions nearly rival your own."
It took every ounce of Elizabeth's willpower not to slap him right then and there.
She suppressed the shaking in her hand as Kavanaugh began to babble on and on about how some lab assistant had dropped a sample and caused an extra two hours of work. Pursing her lips Elizabeth quickly began to formulate a response knowing that Kavanaugh wouldn't be an easy person to debate with.
"They are almost as bad as you Dr. Weir. If I had a say in this mission I would send them all back to earth in a heartbeat."
"Kavanaugh...in what universe did they decide that you were the king and the rest of us would do your bidding?"
"I am merely making an observation as to how the city could run better."
Elizabeth could feel tension building up inside her. It was as if a little man was sitting in there and was tunneling out. She was about to scream in a few minutes if she didn't say something. "Well then, everyone on Atlantis--especially me--would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your 'observations' to yourself," she snapped. "It's doing nothing for you or anyone else, and if your whining doesn't stop, I wouldn't be surprised if you found yourself in quite a predicament."
Kavanaugh's eyes narrowed. "Is that a threat, Dr. Weir?"
Again, Elizabeth's thoughts flashed back to her discussion with SGA-1, and while she knew it was most definitely a threat, she wasn't about to say that. "It's a warning, Dr. Kavanaugh," she said instead. "One that I strongly suggest you heed."
The next morning during a briefing with SGA-1 Elizabeth informed them of the argument she'd had with Kavanaugh.
"I'm telling you: send him to the Wraith," Rodney insisted.
"Yes, but that won't be so gratifying..." Elizabeth stated.
"And that's why we should toss him out an airlock instead," Sheppard input.
"Watch him suffer," Ronon agreed.
"That would seem much more gratifying," Teyla added.
Elizabeth sat there and contemplated the option for a moment before letting out a deep sigh. She leaned forward putting on her leader façade and stated, "Alright, throw him out the airlock!"
"OH, I HAVE DIBS!" John said as he ran out the door of Elizabeth's office and towards the science lab.
"Don't get into the jumper without me!" Rodney exclaimed as he ran after John.
"I get to push him out the airlock!" Ronon added, running swiftly out the door after them.
"Hey!" Elizabeth called after them. Immediately, all three men stopped running and turned towards her. She sighed, putting her leader face and tone on again. "Please, try and be as discreet as possible. And try to make it look like an accident. I'd rather not explain to the SGC that we decided to murder one of the scientists."
"We are being discreet," Rodney said. "I am the most discreet person you've ever met."
Elizabeth immediately flashed back to what he had told her when they had been held captive by the Genii. She remembered how he claimed to have lost small fortunes at poker and tended to laugh inappropriately. She shook her head before commenting, "Not really, Rodney."
"Anyway...we will make it look like an accident. I mean if someone say...blows the rear hatch and the only person who isn't holding onto something is Kavanaugh then it will look like an accident," John stated before turning back to the team. "So...who's coming with me?"
"I am!" Rodney immediately spoke up.
"And I'm got to be the one who pushes him out, so I have to be there," Ronon said.
"And I'm the one who ordered all of this," Elizabeth reminded him.
As she was the only one left who hadn't spoken, all eyes turned to Teyla. "Well, I am not going to be left behind," she said.
"Fine, so everybody's coming," Sheppard muttered. "It'll be a party."
"I'll call an emergency meeting," said Elizabeth. "If we want it to look like and accident we better act like he's going on a mission."
"Mission to where?" Rodney asked.
"It depends...the mainland or the planet with all the kids?" Elizabeth asked.
"The planet with all of the kids," John answered. "That way we can be far enough away to have no witnesses... We have to have an excuse to be going into space too..."
"I'll say I want to get a good reading on the size of their electromagnetic shield," Rodney suggested. "The best place to do that is from space."
"Perfect," Elizabeth said.
Later that day, SGA-1 plus Kavanaugh convened in the meeting room to put into place their plan.
"You see," Rodney said. "The best place to get a reading about the electromagenetic feild is in orbit above the planet."
"Why don't you just land and examine the device first hand?" Kavanaugh asked.
"Because..." Rodney began.
Elizabeth watched Rodney closely. She could see a slight twitch in his eye and decided that she better step. "Getting a reading from space is more accurate," she said quickly. Realizing she wasn't a scientist she decided to add a disclaimer. "At least that's how I understand it."
"That's exactly right," Rodney quickly added. "And besides, Kavanaugh, I want to be able to examine the thing from far enough away that we don't risk putting any of our instruments out of commission."
"And why exactly do I have to go?" Kavanaugh asked.
"McKay needs another scientist on board," Sheppard put in.
"Why not Dr. Zelenka?"
"Radek is busy," Elizabeth quickly answered.
"Oh, yes, and I'm not," Kavanaugh snapped. "Why not--"
Feeling her blood start to boil as it had earlier that day, Elizabeth interrupted the scientist. "Kavanaugh, you're going on this mission, and that's final."
"But..." Kavanaugh began.
"No buts!" Elizabeth said. "You're going on this mission. You are rarely off world and staying on Atlantis is not good. You're going!"
"Fine," Kavanaugh muttered.
"We'll meet in the jumper bay in one hour," Sheppard said.
After that mentioned hour, SGA-1, Elizabeth and a mumbling Kavanaugh met up in the bay. SGA-1 and Elizabeth had already conferred about the specifics of their plan, and were ready to carry it out.
As was expected, Kavanaugh was the last to show up... Several minutes late.
"Dr. Weir?" he said upon seeing her. "Why are you here?"
"I was hoping to speak with the elders on M76-677 after we observe its field from space," she lied.
"Why?" Kavanaugh asked.
"I'm a diplomat," Elizabeth clarified. "Learning about culture is part of the job."
"Alright, everyone sit down," said John. "We're ready for take off." John sealed the rear hatch and took a seat in the pilots chair as Elizabeth and Kavanaugh sat on one of the benches in the rear compartment of the jumper. "Flight this is jumper 1 we're ready for take off."
"Copy that jumper 1," said flight. "You are clear for take off."
John slowly took the jumper down into the Gateroom, and then through the already dialed Stargate. When they came out on the other side on M76-677, he took the puddle-jumper up and out of the planet's atmosphere. The moment they hit vacuum, he turned his head slightly, and nodded shortly.
Elizabeth saw the signal, and nodded back. She slowly stood and made her way to the front of the jumper, and the moment she stepped into the front compartment, the door closed behind her.
On the other side, Kavanaugh immediately reacted, banging his fists against the door. "Hey! Open the door!"
"I can't!" John lied. "Some of the jumper's controls aren't responding!"
The sounds of Kavanaugh's swearing could be heard on the other side of the partition. The five people in the front waiting a few minutes allowing Kavanaugh to continue freaking out. Elizabeth gave smiled slightly as Ronon reached for the mechanism to blow the rear hatch.
Three...two...one. BOOM! The jumper took off at a lightning fast speed as it was thrust forward by the pressure. They heard Kavanaugh scream and swear very colorfully as he met vacuum.
And then there was silence as he realized there was no air around him.
John swung the jumper around in time for them to see Kavanaugh attempting and failing to hold his breath. He flailed about in the empty space, gasping for oxygen that wasn't there.
Waving, Elizabeth mouthed, "Bye-bye!"
The puddle-jumper took off as Kavanaugh went limp in the vacuum that is space.
"Yes!" Elizabeth shouted so loudly that she momentarily made Rodney go deaf. "He's gone."
"What?" Rodney asked after being within range of Elizabeth scream.
"I said he's gone," said Elizabeth.
"Yes it's done," Rodney said.
"No she said he's gone," Ronon said.
"Yeah Kavanaugh's gone," Rodney shouted. "Can we go home now?"
"Yes, let's go home," Elizabeth said. "It's finished, and I'm sure all of Atlantis will want to celebrate the fact that Kavanaugh's gone. Just remember to stick to our cover story."
As John turned the jumper around to head back to M67-677's 'Gate, Elizabeth let out a sigh of relief.
THE END
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