BETA READ by The Imperfectionist
The lyrics used in this piece of fan-fiction, are from Alone. I don't own anything; it belongs to Heart.
Booth sighed. He was lying on his back in bed, arms folded behind his head while gazing at the ceiling. The moonlight faintly illuminated his bedroom, peaking its way through the ugly blue curtains. Rebecca had once replaced his old ones by these… He had never really cared enough to replace them again after her by something that he liked.
He got upright in bed, putting his head in his hands momentarily before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and getting up. He sighed again, making his way to the window and roughly pushing his curtains aside to look at D.C.: the last few bartenders were getting rid of their last partygoers, and drunks. Most of them were most likely university students. Night life was slowly going over in early morning. He must have been lying awake for hours.
He slowly released the curtains, making them fall back in place, before turning around to look at his clock radio. It showed a couple of minutes past four. He walked past the bed into the bathroom and made his way towards the sink. He came to a halt in front of it and looked at himself in the mirror. He noticed himself looking quite fraught. That would surely catch Cam's and Angela's attention. He could already imagine Cam's derogatory comments… and the latter's 'Oh Gosh, Booth… what's happened to you?'
Booth's hand reached the faucet, producing a stream of cold, fresh water. He silently cupped his hands under the stream, and splashed some of the cool water into his face, shaking his head much like a dog before turning off the faucet again, and seizing a towel that hung upon a rack next to his sink. He roughly patted the water off his face before throwing the towel back, not caring about the fact that it fell upon the tiles. He looked at himself in the mirror again. The cool, fresh water didn't seem to have had any effect at all.
He didn't really feel like facing them all – especially Bones – in less than five hours, but he would have to. He would have to go solve murders like every other day, and do it as if everything was still the same as yesterday, and fine. It wasn't, though. It wasn't. He would have to act as if he didn't have feelings… And he would have to… move on, bearing in mind that after yesterday night, life would always be a little harder.
I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
Bones sighed, turning over in bed again. She wondered about the number of times she had already tossed and turned back and forth. It showed only 2:39 at her old clock – still too early to get up. Even if she did everything lethargically, she would have hours until her shift started. She must have heard every ticking of the clock since going to bed hours earlier.
Pitch darkness surrounded her wholly, some neon lights in the streets of the city that came in through the see-through patio door window barely being enough to be able to distinct vague figures.
Her eyes silently trailed towards her Jeffersonian ID card lying next to her cell phone on the wooden night table. With yet another sigh, she sat up in bed. Maybe she could go to the Jeffersonian and make herself useful. There were enough of remains in the basement that still needed identification. Maybe working would help her.
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
Her bright blue eyes ended up looking at her access card and mobile phone once again. She slowly reached for the latter and looked at the screen. No missed calls, or unread messages. She silently ran through all names in her immense contact list backwards, starting with the 'z' and going up towards the 'a'.
She sighed upon seeing Zack's name appear. It had been quite a while since she had heard from him… let alone gone to visit him. Why had he been so dumb? Why- Why hadn't he…? Maybe it didn't really matter anymore. Zack had been such terrific assistant – the best, and still… Maybe one could not always depend upon intelligence after all.
Dr. Brennan quietly continued running through the names, ending up at the beginning of the alphabet sooner than she would have guessed. Most of the names in her extended contact list were purely professional connections. Her eyes locked intently on Booth's name. She wondered if maybe he too was only a purely professional connection. Both of them had had so many fun times after duty as well… She actually considered him to be her very best male friend. And still…
She momentarily wondered if he maybe would be awake as well, like she. Would she push that call button or would she leave him be? She, sighing, decided upon the latter, running up further to end up at the first name in her list. This time, she did push that button, and held her phone to her ear waiting for the one on the other end to answer. After an instant, Angela's voicemail sounded. Temperance decided not to leave a message.
Temperance wondered where Angela could possibly be. Since she didn't answer her mobile phone – which happened only very rarely – the scientist, by first thought, guessed that she would very likely be partying. Angela usually didn't go to bed before three… and especially not on Wednesdays.
She slowly laid her mobile phone down on the night table next to her Jeffersonian ID again, and sighed. Quietly, she got up and made her way to the bathroom to shower.
Maybe she could make herself useful there. Maybe working would help her. There were quite enough remains left to identify.
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end, though
Alone
Booth caught himself gazing at the ceiling again. He groaned, turning his head to the side to see that not even half an hour had passed by since last time he'd looked. It had already been quite restless… and it wouldn't be getting any better. Why couldn't he simply… fall asleep? Booth got up once again. He briefly diverted his gaze towards the curtains to see that more light was pouring through than earlier already.
Quietly, he padded towards the bathroom and walked over to his little bathroom cabinet. With a light creaky noise, he opened one of the doors and slowly let his gaze go over the contents. Nothing that could induce sleepiness seemed to be there. Damn, he said to himself. With a smash, he shut the bathroom cabinet door again.
He made his way back into the bedroom, but instead of going back to bed, Booth actually turned right, into his kitchen. He instantly made his way to the fridge to get something cool to drink, as he found himself thirsty. Upon opening his fridge and finding nothing satisfactory, he shut it again and reached for the lower cupboards where he usually kept more drinks. Parker must have emptied the soda, and since he himself hadn't been home much since Sunday, he hadn't refilled his fridge yet.
Booth lazily took a bottle of 7Up, and Ice-Tea, and put them on the counter, letting his eyes fall upon an unopened bottle of whiskey in the back. He immediately reached for it, and got up, shutting the lower cupboards again. Silently, he looked at the bottle with longing eyes.
It didn't take him more than a minute to open it, and put it against his lips. He truly hoped that this would help him succumb to lala land… Bottles of 7Up, and Ice-Tea remained forgotten...
Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?
Booth's SUV navigated smoothly to the FBI. His departmental vehicle appeared to easily find its way after so many years. Its driver didn't really seem to focus upon anything traffic related, his mind entirely occupied with other things.
He had always been the one to take care of himself, and others. Whilst with the Army, former sniper Seeley Booth had been pretty much forced to learn how to get by on his own. Seeing men, women and children die both on their and opposite sides had made him realize more than ever before that in life you overall had to depend upon yourself only. Friends of his had lost their lives, too… and no day had ever gone by anymore without him condemning himself for their deaths. Maybe that was why he, after leaving the United States Army Rangers, he was protecting little brother, Jared, even though it had become even more of a personal obligation to him. Keeping and getting him out of trouble had been a very common occupation until then already, but gaining a few years hadn't exactly made little Booth become smarter… and keep himself out of trouble more often. That even seemed to have only increased.
Booth had learned to protect others in the Army, and effects of that were still visible after rolling into the FBI… where that actually still counted in a way… but different than in the Army. He had learned to do so, without ever thinking about why.
It hadn't really set Booth to thinking why until Bones and he, one day six years ago, had started working together and Bones had proven herself to be very… capable of defending herself at times… but he actually found himself rescuing her at multiple times as well. And then, he effectively cared to think about why he always thought himself responsible for her particularly, because never before had it happened that he felt that need to keep safe someone else so obviously.
Of course, it hadn't happened immediately after them starting to solve murder cases together. It had been rather a very slow process… eventually ensuring him that the reason why was… because he actually loved her.
Thinking about how much he loved Bones simply chilled him to the bone now, though. She didn't return any of these feelings... He rather didn't think about it anymore… but that he already understood to appear harder than initially thought. He supposed that he would have to give himself time…
You don't know how long I have wanted
To touch your lips and hold you tight
Bones quietly put the cup of hot coffee against her lips, and took a very meticulous sip. She could feel the hot, black liquid running down her throat as she sat behind her desk. She had managed to give six more sets of remains a name: three women, two teenagers, and one older male. She had managed to make herself productive instead of ponder at home. She felt proud of herself.
Dr. Brennan gently put down her cup, leaning back into her comfortable, leather chair, and thinking about last night. These thoughts almost perpetually crossing her mind seemed simply inevitable. She wondered if he ever could have guessed how she had actually wanted his touch… him holding her tightly against his chest, saying that she would always be his…
You don't know how long I have waited
And I was gonna tell you tonight
She couldn't quite say whether she thought if he really understood why or not. Actually, serious commitment, as in serious relationships, had always frightened her deep inside. Maybe she feared everyone who too often showed his love towards her, fearing that he soon would end up leaving her like Max and Ruth had when she had been only fifteen years old and not been ready to be left to take care of herself yet.
Especially since Booth's first mentioning of his feelings towards her, and after reading Sweets' script… she deep inside already knew he would repeat it again, until she would take him serious, and give him an answer. And even though she deeply trusted him, esteemed him, liked him… She couldn't make herself ever to pronounce her feelings towards him… and feel comfortable in a serious, sexual relationship with him…
On one hand, Bones had really, really hoped that he would never ever say it again… because she hadn't looked forward to being pushed into that position again… in which she would find herself internally forced to show her feelings... which usually ended in her leaving that conversation by abruptly switching on another subject… or – she swallowed – pull everything into the ridiculous.
On the other hand, she had so patiently waited to hear him say that again. It felt good to hear that you were being loved.
And even though Dr. Brennan, the scientist, had swore to herself that when he would, she would put all insecurities aside, and eventually admit her feelings towards him, too…. She hadn't. It had come too unexpectedly, she guessed. It had… overwhelmed her so much that… She suddenly hadn't felt so secure about herself anymore… and had tried elucidating him… why she didn't feel herself worthy of him…
But the secret is still my own
And my love for you is still unknown
Alone
She hadn't managed that good, though… She hadn't managed to elucidate anything at all… hadn't told him about her feelings towards him… hadn't told him that she didn't love him, but hadn't said anything about loving him back, either…
Bones quietly looked around her office. She sighed. If she even couldn't say that she actually loved him… then would she ever find herself capable to say that to anyone else? Would she then not find herself alone at the end of her life? Would she then ever have that fairytale ending every girl had dreamed of when being young?
Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?
Bones had always been very capable to take care of herself... And only recently had been forced to admit to herself that it felt better and safer with him by her side… Maybe that's what terrified her the most? Coming to feel dependent of someone else?
Or maybe she felt more frightened to find herself caring so much about someone else that he could make or break you? Maybe that's what chilled her to the bone? She certainly loved him… but how could it ever be established?
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?
Alone
Alone
Brennan slowly emptied her cup, setting it down again before getting up, and taking her mid-long, beige coat off the peg before heading towards the exit, easily snatching her little purse, and keys along before doing so. She needed some air, and since shift wouldn't be starting until nine, leaving her with more than an hour until then…
So it happened that she soon found herself strolling through D.C., not really thinking about where she was about to go. Heavy, rain filled clouds hung into the air, Brennan noticed upon looking into the sky. It would soon start raining.
And then Bones suddenly saw Royal Diner a few feet further. She quickly decided to go shelter for the soon upcoming rain there, and ran the last couple of feet. Right when she quietly shut the door behind herself, rain started pouring from the skies as she could have expected.
Brennan politely wiped her feet at the brown Welcome mat, when suddenly someone came hurrying in after her, and bumped into her with his entirely drenched attires. "I'm sorry," both of them whispered before looking up to see their 'bumping partner'. Both of them kind of startled upon doing that.
"Bones! W-What are you doing here?"
"I uh… suppose quite the uh… same as you."
He nodded, putting up a very fake smile. Bones and he quietly walked into the direction of the bar, like usual. Both of them sat themselves down behind it. "Coffee?" Booth asked, receiving a nod in return. "Two coffees, please," Booth ordered, before turning back towards his companion. "You're early today," he mentioned.
"Well, so are you," Brennan replied.
"Yeah… I uh… couldn't seem to fall asleep, so yeah…"
"I couldn't either," she admitted, kindly nodding when two hot cups of coffee were put down in front of them. "I therefore arrived pretty early at the Jeffersonian, and made myself productive. I actually succeeded into identifying six more skeletons," she said, proudly… but much less enthusiastic than she normally would have.
"Booth…"
"Bones…" it sounded at exactly the same time. Both partners looked up at each other and faintly smiled, then looked down once more.
"I'm sorry," Brennan whispered, mainly focusing upon her coffee right now. "I… I didn't mean to… hurt you."
"Bones… That's alright. I understand."
"No, Booth. It isn't. I really didn't mean to make you so sad… but if it could make you feel better… I'm sad, too."
"Bones," Booth questioned, in a rather interrupting kind of way. "Bones," he repeated, making her look up at him lethargically. When he had ensured himself that she was effectively listening to him, he whispered, "Bones, why do you think that would make me feel any better? I only wanna see you happy..."
Bones swallowed. "I only want to see you happy, too… And I really hate to see you sad… like yesterday… like now… I'm sorry. I love you, but…"
"Bones, what did you just say?"
"That I only want to see you happy, too. And that I hate to see you s–" "No," Booth whispered, looking into her bright blue eyes. "After that, I meant."
She swallowed. "I love you."
"Bones! I thought- I thought…" he rattled, smile slowly turning more solid, and real upon his face. "I really thought you didn't love me, and that's why you…"
"Oh, of course I love you… I only think…"
"Oh, would you please quit thinking for a minute," he uttered, suddenly looking all sad again. "If I love you, and you really love me back… then why would you still doubt? Would you please let me to do the thinking for once? Please? I'm pretty sure I could fix something at the FBI, to have us continue working together. We don't have to rush things at all… but please let's try this," Booth begged, reaching for her tinier, warm hand. She didn't pull back. "Please…"
Quietly, she nodded, falling into his embrace, and starting to cry into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, for…"
"No, Bones… don't be… You just made me… possibly the happiest guy on earth."
She softly chuckled, then subtly held him that little tighter.