Phan

Existential crisis

Dan leant over the living room table, staring blankly at the paper scattered on it. Phil was sat about 30cm away from the TV, playing skyrim. Dan wanted to join in, but he knew he had to pass the exam tomorrow, or the last year would have been a total waste. Well, not a total waste. Dan smiled to himself, his mind wandering to the fun he and Phil had in the last year, going to parties, playing video games… No. He had to concentrate. He sighed and went back to mindlessly staring at the paper, hoping that something would go in. "Stupid law" he muttered under his breath. Phil laughed and put the x-box controller down, turning to face Dan. "Don't you wish staring at pieces of paper counted as revising?" Phil asked, and Dan smiled slightly. "Shouldn't you be doing something?" he retorted. "What?" laughed Phil "I've already resigned to my life of being a failure". Dan sighed again, deeper this time and replied in an exhausted tone "You're not a failure. Me on the other hand…". "You're not a failure either!" Phil said as he stood up. He walked over to where Dan was sat, ruffled his hair and said "Do you want me to get some tea sorted?". Dan leant back into the sofa, tilted his head back to look at him, and said "Yes please! Im to busy thinking up new ways to procrastinate". Phil laughed again and said "It's what your best at!". He turned and walked into the kitchen, with Dans laughter in the background.

Phil busied himself looking through the cupboards and fridge, and realised he forgot to go shopping today. Dan normally reminded him and they would go together, but Phil had planned to go on a surprise trip that day to get Dan some treats, mainly malteasers, to help him revise. Phil sighed to himself. Dan may not think he was useless, but Phil knew better. He couldn't even remember to go to Tesco's for gods sake. He managed to find a long forgotten pizza in the bottom draw of the fridge, and turned the oven on. He found himself jiggling his leg nervously. He was sharing Dans stress about the exam, he knew how much was riding on it, but at the same time, he sort of wished Dan would fail. He didn't feel that Dan enjoyed it, and he hated how exhausted and… well non-danish it made him. And, what would happen when he was finished at uni? Would he move out, go get a job? Such ordinary things. The opposite of Dan, boring and average. He couldn't picture it. He didn't know how he would cope without Dan… wait? What? Why would he have to… cope? It wasn't that hard was it? Phil wasn't that… attached. Sure he knew that he and Dan had something unique, something he hadn't had with anyone else… but it was just friendship… wasn't it?

Dan heard Phil wander back into the living room, and watched him sit back in front of the TV. He didn't pick up the controller though; he just stared at the floor in some kind of trance. Dan chuckled quietly to himself. Obviously Phil was thinking hard about something. Knowing how much Phil cared about Dan passing the exam, he figured he was just trying to give him some quiet time to concentrate, or maybe thinking up ways to help him revise. Dan tried to concentrate on his work, not wanting Phil to worry.

Right, he thought to himself. When someone is accused of theft under the statutory law 42, no… 58… what was it statutory? Maybe it was regulation… no. He knew why he couldn't remember, it was boring! He had no interest in it! He zoned out of all the lectures he actually went to, writing vague notes without even thinking about it. He spent most of the time daydreaming about coming weekends, making videos with Phil, walking round the city with Phil, playing video games with Phil. Why did he care? He only did this damn degree to look employable! Did he even want to have a job in law? No! He didn't care anymore. He pushed the papers away a bit harder than he meant to, and they scattered around the room. He didn't realise he had started to cry, not full on, just a few silent tears. The sudden movement of flying papers seemed to shock Phil out of his trance, but now Dan had entered one. He couldn't stop thinking. What was going to happen to him? What did the future hold for him? What was he meant to do?

Phil stood up and started walking towards Dan wondering why he had thrown his notes. "Dan?" he asked timidly, wondering if he was just tired. "Dan?" he tried again. Then he saw the tears glistening on his cheeks, and he ran forward and knelt in front of him. "Dan? Whats wrong?" he said, his voice slightly strained. "Dan? DAN? What is it? Talk to me." His voice broke with worry. Dan had never been like this. He couldn't ignore Phil when he was worried. Phil used to find it hilarious when Dan would try, and then end up breaking into a smile. Suddenly, Dans eyes met his.

Phil. Phil was calling him. It sounded faint and in the background, but it was there. Dan tried to bring himself back, to concentrate on him. Phil. The one good thing in his life. The thing he never question, the person he was sure about. He was sure about everything to do with him, his straight hair, his green eyes, his laugh. He was sure of his love for Phil, not that he could ever tell him about that. He was one of the reasons he had stuck with that damn law degree, because he hated the idea of maybe having to leave him. It was the next thought that brought him back, that drew his eyes to Phil. He was hurting him, he could hear it in his voice, and he couldn't hurt him.

Dans eyes met his, and more tears spurted down his cheeks. "Dan" Phil sighed in relief. "Whats wrong?" Dan made a move to wipe the tears from his face and said "Nothing", but one look from Phil was enough to tell him that wasn't enough. He sighed and said "I just realised… I can't do this anymore. Not this stupid law degree, not any of it. But, if I don't do it, what can I do. I'm useless and worthless and…" but he didn't finish, because Phil's lips were smushed against his.

I hit Phil, as he heard Dan talk about the future, as he heard his voice break. Phil had always been sure of his future, because he always assumed Dan would be in it. When he realised he would eventually have to leave, his future became a lot darker. His future was Dan, he was in love with his best friend. It seemed that in the exact same moment he realised this, he was kissing him. No, he thought to himself. This is wrong, Dan does not feel the same way, and here I am forcing myself on him when he is vulnerable and worried. He's just been crying! This is wrong. But under these thoughts was a feeling, a pleasant feeling. A warm feeling of happiness and contentment. This was right! For him at least. He could feel Dan's warm lips pushing against this, moving in time with this. He could feel his warm breath, becoming heavier, across his face. He could feel the wetness of Dans cheeks pressed against his. That's what made him pull away. He cleared his throat awkwardly, not looking at Dan.

It had made Dan happy, happier than he had been in a while. He thought he had been happy just hanging out with Phil, that he could easily cope without showing his feelings… but this proved to him that wasn't happiness, that was coping. Then Phil pulled away, looking at the floor. Dan waited for him to say something, but he just cleared his throat. Dan reached forward slowly, tilting his best friends face up, forcing him to look at him, to see the smile on his face.

Dan was smiling, and Phil felt relieved. The tears on Dan's face reminded him that Dan had been crying about that stupid law degree. Then he remember something else, Dan's voice, saying "Im useless and worthless". Suddenly, Phil was angry, angry about the lies Dan had obviously been telling himself. He stared into his eyes, his amazing eyes, without blinking and said "Don't you dare. Don't you ever think your nothing. You mean everything to people… you mean everything to me." Dan's smile widened, but his eyes showed the worry he felt.

"But I still don't know Phil… what am I going to do for the rest of my life." Phil smiled at him, standing up. Dan watched him, worried he was going to leave, but he just sat down next to him and entwined their hands as though it was the normal thing to do. This made Dan feel even happier, although he was still worried. The n Phil looked at him and said, as the it was the most obvious thing in the world "Do what you love". Dan snorted, a dirty thought popping into his head. Phil thought about what he had said and laughed, and squezzed Dan's hand. "Seriously Dan, do what you enjoy. Then you'll never feel like this again, and that's all that matters. Your happiness." Dan thought and said "I like video games, I like wandering around the town, I like making videos. I like all the things I do with you". Phil smiled at him and said "Well that's easy. Your never losing me, so no matter what you do I'l be there. I don't think you want to bum around the town on a PSP, so why not just make more videos?" Dan laughed "Yeah, like that's a career!" Phil smiled at him again and said "Your one in a million Dan, if anyone can make vlogging a career, it's you" Dan smiled and said "Well, your one in a million to, so it's bloomin lucky that we found each other!"

Then the smoke alarm went off. "The pizza!" Phil gasped. Dan burst into laughter and said "One in a million… and you manage to burn pizza!"