Jade - DA- I Feel You

Title: I feel You
Author: Jade
Rating: PG

Show: DA
Genre: Angst
Pairing: M/A

Type: Standalone

Summary: Are words ever enough to explain feelings?
Author's Notes: Not much to say really, I think it's all pretty self-explanatory.

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I feel you. I feel you in the air that I breathe. I feel you every time I smile. The second my lips form into a smile I feel how I felt before. That's the one thing that will never be taken away from me. The only problem is that I don't smile any more.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is you. The first word that passes from my lips every morning is yours. Such a simple little name, yet it means so much. It means life. It means death. And everything in between. So little yet so much. Brings so much happiness yet so much sadness.

The last thing I think of before I let the darkness take over is you. The last word my lips murmur before I close my eyes is your name. Even saying it makes my spine tingle. I shiver. I shake. The feeling is still there. After all this time it is as acute as it once was. So much time has gone by yet not enough.

I remember you when I brush my teeth. I remember you when I tie my shoelaces. I remember you when I pick up my keys from the hook on the wall. You're there. Always.

I think of you when I hear birds chirp. I think of you when I smell coffee. I think of you every time the Sun comes up and every time it goes down. Thinking of you has become my full time profession. Like many jobs, it's a job I hate but deep down I'd be lost without. It makes me, me. It makes me feel alive yet at the same time so numb.

I see you every time I look in the mirror. I see the person you saw and it makes me remember you. I try not to look at mirrors anymore, yet there is one in every single room.

Every morning I wish that it could be night time so that I could sleep and not think of you. Every night I wish that day would come so that I could wake up and think of you.

Am I sane or is this madness? I don't know. I don't know what the 'normal' behaviour would be in such situations. I lie. I know. The text book answer would be that it was unsocial and worrying behaviour. The question is, is this a text book situation? I think not.

Maybe I should concentrate on what IS and not what WAS. But, how can I do that when the present scares me and the future terrifies me. However much I hate the past and the things that happened, it had you in it. The one constant thing I had for a while. You are no longer there and so I'm stuck in what was and not in what is. Scared to think of all the ways how I could have done things differently. Scared of what you might have said if I HAD acted differently. Scared to imagine how we would have ended up.

It's all in the past now. There is no going back. Why is it that I'm haunted by that?