It's time for the talk show showdown. Will Team everyone else be able to vanguish Team Leno? Who will pick whose side? Will Fallon get the tonight show? Features many people. For this chapter there are Fallon, Letterman, Brien, Lopez, Ferguson, Stewart and Stephen.

A/n: I really love talk shows and I love the soap opera drama of them all. So i thought one day, "Might as well make it a full on soap opera drama." I love talk show hosts in general and I thought itd be cool to put them together in a series.

Chapter 1: Fallon will not fall

When Jimmy Fallon awoke, he was in a warehouse.

They were all sitting in in steel chairs, in a circle, like an AA meeting. The air was unusually tense. Everyone was quiet and the place was dimly lit only by a single overhead lamp.

"What is this? A fight club?" Jimmy joked, cracking up at the point he had said 'is'.

But the man directly across him didn't smile. That man had wavy white hair and rectangle gold specs. Jimmy recognized the man.

"Letterman!" he exclaimed. David Letterman simply nodded. He was frowning. But then again, he always frowned. "What do you want with me?" Letterman took a deep breath.

"Jimmy Fallon, we are gathered here today to tell you a very important message. This is vital. If you don't take this to heart, you could lose everything."

"Okay…" Jimmy Fallon looked around. That's when he realized all the people sitting in the chairs, in the circle. Beside Letterman was Conan O'Brien, who looked unexpectedly sad. Then again, he hadn't been the same since NBC. Beside him was Craig Ferguson, who was smoking a cigar and eating haggis. And then it was Jimmy Fallon. But to his right were Colbert and Stewart. They were whispering to each other and pointing at Conan. And beside them was George Lopez.

They were all talk show hosts! Jimmy Fallon realized. And this was some sort of talk show host secret initiation meeting. He got excited and fidgeted in his seat. Finally, it was as if he had truly made it if he actually got to sit here with all the great talk show hosts and George Lopez.

He also noticed people moving in the corner of the warehouse. He looked over and saw Paul Schaffer and Andy Richter whispering. Geoff (the robot from Ferguson's show) was silent next to them. And then he saw John Oliver and his own band.

"The Roots!" Jimmy Fallon called and waved, but they looked back at him and shook their heads. They were serious. This was giving Jimy Fallon a bad feeling. He laughed to quell is nerves.

"Why did you guys bring me here?" he asked.

Letterman tapped his pimp cane on the floor. It made sense for someone like Letterman to have a pimp cane, somehow.

"Fallon, we have to convince you not to take the tonight show," Letterman said gravely. Beside him, Conan was nodding, still serious. But Craig laughed, George Lopez made a latino joke and the two basic cable boys were still whispering.

"But I really want the tonight show," Jimmy Fallon said sadly. He thought this would be a happy occasion where they would congratulate him on getting the tonight show. That's when he noticed that hold on, Jay Leno wasn't here. Or Jimmy Kimmel.

"Hold on, Jay Leno isn't here. Or Jimmy Kimmel." He laughed because he'd said exactly what he'd been thinking.

At the sound of Jay Leno's name, Conan twitched so violently that Jimmy Fallon at first thought he was gonna do a spontaneous string dance. But Andy had to come over and whisper to Conan to get the orange-haired Harvard grad former snl writer (like him!) to calm down. Conan nodded and breathed deeply. Jimmy Fallon was weirded out by this out of character Conan. At least Craig Ferguson was still acting normal, eating haggis and smoking a guitar. There was a bagpipe under his chair.

"Yes, we need to talk to you about Jay Leno," said Letterman, who glared. He reminded Jimmy Fallon of a Fairy Oddparents character, the way he said Jay Leno's name. Dingleburrrrg!

"But Jimmy Kimmel?"

"Who gives a fuck about Jimmy Kimmel," Craig finally smoked. George Lopez said something about Latinos.

"Yes, shut up now. I'm getting to the point!" Letterman roared, tapping his pimp cane on the floor again. At this, Stewart and Colbert finally stopped whispering and turned to everyone else. They were sharing the same steel chair, like siamese twins.

Before Jimmy Fallon could joke about this, Letterman began. "I know you know about what happened to me and Conan so I think you know what this is going to be about. Do you know?"

Fallon nodded. "Yes, yes. You both lost the Tonight show and I'm sorry. But I think I can really do it this time, guys. Jay Leno said yes. He called me personally in fact. We even dueted on our shows. It was funny. He's tired of showbiz."

"He's a RAPIST of showbiz!" Letterman boomed. Fallon jumped.

"What?!"

"Don't listen to that lying rat bastard in a vintage car! Fuck him! He raped me decades ago!" Jimmy Fallon had never seen Letterman this angry since the Joaquin Phoenix interview.

"Jay Leno?!"

"Can you stop saying his name?" Conan yelled at Fallon. Craig had to hold him back. Some haggis got spilled on everyone.

"Yes," Letterman said. "He raped me and that was his plan all along. I left NBC because of that. I was scarred and confused. And then…" He looked at Conan, who folded his arms and looked serious. "Very recently, as you know, Leno screwed Conan. Figuratively and sexually. He's still dealing with it right now."

"I…" Jimmy Fallon couldn't believe this. "Leno wants to rape me?! But why? Are you guys just jealous that I'm going to keep the tonight show?!" It wasn't surprising that he was angry. This seemed like one big bout of black humor. Rape jokes weren't even funny, well maybe only if Dane Cook told them.

"DON'T BE naïve!" Letterman yelled. "This is showbiz! He's going to do it to you if you don't think of a plan! What happens when it happens, huh?! Are you going to end up celibate for the rest of your life like me after I screwed my interns or are you just going to be easy like Conan and do it with everyone as a self-defense mechanism?"

Jimmy Fallon sputtered. He thought Conan was just drunk that one time he asked if they wanted to fuck.

"Now you know that Jay Leno holds the record for being the rapist of 'oldest rape victim' with Letterman," Stewart said.

"And Conan I guess is the 'tallest rape victim'," Colbert added. "Or maybe the only ginger ever raped."

"But that means you'll probably the only rape victim to laugh halfway during the sex," said Stewart. Jimmy Fallon was horrified. Craig was roaring with laughter. Lopez said something about Latinos, still not unaware that the room was not in fact full of an audience of latinos who would understand his cultural jokes but instead filled with white guys who could not comprehend much less appreciate his repetitive humor.

"Don't joke about this," Conan hissed at the two comedy central duo. "How fucking dare you?"

"We just want you to have a threesome with us again," Colbert said to Conan, waggling his eyebrows.

"Okay, okay, wait!" Jimmy Fallon threw his hands in the air. "I don't get it at all! I don't get why Jay Leno would even want to do that! He has a wife! He's not even gay! And I'm not a vintage car so why?"

"Not gay? This is showbiz, Jimmy Fallon. Don't tell me you didn't have to do some dick-sucking to get your show. We all did. It's a normal part of the process when becoming a show host."

No one disagreed with Letterman. Jimmy Fallon felt the world crumbling around him. He thought that had been a one-time thing with the NBC executives. He thought they just really liked his body. But apparently this was normal? How sick were TV executives?

"But Ellen and Oprah! Ellen's even a lesbian!"

"Why do you think they both became lesbians for fuck's sake!"

"What about Chelsea Handler then?!"

"She just really loves dick okay?"

Fallon fell back against the back of his chair, like the wind was all out of him. This was so much to take in. He wanted the tonight show but he didn't really want to be raped to get it.

"Isn't there something I can do?" He said weakly.

"Yes," Letterman said. He sighed. "I have a plan. And you play the biggest part of it."

"You know what, I just realized I want nothing to do with this okay?" Conan suddenly said, getting up. Before anyone could respond, he was walking out of the warehouse. And since Conan was so tall, that probably only took him like eight steps to end up outside. He was really tall. Andy went running after the Irish catholic, carrying bottles of hairspray. Figures, Fallon thought, Conan's hair looked pretty sad.

"What's his deal? Blarmey!" Craig said, blowing a smoke ring out of his cigar. "The Irish really are nothing compared to us scots."

"He's just really horny," said Stewart.

"Yeah, he and Andy are probably doing it in the car right now," giggled Colbert. "Sodomites!" He said in his alternate Colbert voice. "Go to hell!"

"Hey, we're gay!" Stewart protested.

"We are?"

"Bunch of latinos," said George Lopez who was pretty much ignored by everyone. Who invited this guy?

"Look, you will sit here and listen to the plan," Letterman brandished the pimp cane at Jimmy Fallon's face. Jimmy Fallon raised his hands in mock surrender. He couldn't help but laugh. He never could help but, well, laugh.

"Okay," he said. "What should I do?"

Letterman had an evil smile when he said "This is what I like to call operation NBC: Nut Bust Coward. We've called ourselves the Time to Get Rid of Leno Team or TGRLT."

"Okay, I'm listening," said Fallon, who cracked up at 'okay'.

"Well first, here's a top ten list on why we should get Leno!"

Badumtsh!

-To be continued-

R/R!