I've been struggling with this one for a while and I honestly still feel awkward writing it... but there are just too many funny moments in it for me not to share it...
And I guess given how far other fanfics (not pointing fingers or saying it's bad per se) take this kind of subject, this is pretty vanilla by comparison. Well, let's see how the first chapter goes over...
The PS118 school bell rang, sending all kids inside to their various destinations. For Arnold and Helga it meant physical education class at this particular hour.
"See you after gym?" Arnold asked.
"What about during?" Helga asked in confusion, "I've got a lot of pent up frustrations to vent on you in the form of dodgeballs."
"At what point does this cross over from banter to battering?" Arnold asked.
"Good question." Helga shrugged, "I guess we'll cross that bridge when we burn it. Anyway, what do you mean 'see you after?'"
"They're dividing us up today, boys and girls, remember?"
"Psh, I don't pay attention to what teachers say in the important classes, football head, why would I remember what happens in gym?" Helga said dismissively, then suddenly turned outraged, "Hey, wait! Dividing us up? They can't do that! That's sex discrimination! What is this, the fifties? That's-"
"Calm down, they're just showing us separate movies, I hear." Arnold shrugged.
"Oh great, even better." Helga huffed, "You guys probably get to watch something fun and I'll be stuck watching some lame chick flick…"
"I think they're about what to expect with our 'cusping adulthood' or something." Arnold said
"Sounds like a real snooze fest…" Helga groaned.
"See you later?" Arnold asked, opening his arms inviting her to hug.
"See ya when I see ya, goof wad." Helga said.
"All right then..." Arnold sighed in disappointment, "I was hoping you could be just a little more affectionate by now, but oh well..."
"Hey, you knew what you were signing up for, buddy." Helga huffed. She quickly smiled and shot Arnold a wink before spinning on her heal and stomping off. Around the corner came Gerald, who Helga nearly knocked off his feat as she stormed by.
"Arnold, I think you being her secret boyfriend is taking a toll on her sunny nature" he joked. "What have you done to her?"
"I think I'm having an easier time reading Shakespeare in English class than I am reading her." Arnold sighed, "At least there's resource material on that I can study…"
"Mm, mm, mm, woe be to the scholar who ever has to study and write the book on that girl." Gerald sighed.
"I've asked her to try being a little more nice and sensitive, but that just seems to make her double down on being a jerk..." Arnold said. "I just don't get it."
"Ah, don't worry yourself too much about it," Gerald said, "Come on, let's go watch this little health film."
An hour later, both the girls and boys emerged from their designated rooms wherein they had just witnessed videos about their changing bodies. All of them were wide-eyed with terror as if they had witnessed something not of this earth; completely shaken by what they had seen. The boy crowd and girl crowd looked at one another from across the hallway, and suddenly they all burst out screaming and quickly fled in opposite directions at the sight of one another. All except for Helga who looked completely unfazed by the experience she'd gone through with her fellow females.
"What's with them?" she yawned, "That was the best nap I've had in years…"
After school, Arnold immediately ran home and slammed the door behind him, still wide-eyed with fresh terror. Standing in the hallway, his grandfather took immediate notice of this.
"Hey short man," he said, "You look like you've seen some unspeakable horror previously reserved for veterans of World War II."
"Grandpa…" Arnold asked slowly, "What… happens to you when you turn twelve?"
"Why, all your hair falls out, you start to lose teeth by the truckload and you can't remember what you had for breakfast uh… oh wait, that's later… let's see, twelve…"
"Well, we watched this video today at school and…"
Grandpa's eyes went wide, "They're giving you kids the talk in video form before your elders can? You'd think we'd have to sign a permission slip for that or something… or maybe your mom and dad did, who knows…"
"I'm just… really confused…" Arnold said, "I think I'm just gonna go sit quietly in my room and try to not think about anything…"
Arnold slowly walked up the stairs to his bedroom and left grandpa scratching his chin in thought.
"Uh oh… well, thank goodness I'm off the hook for the birds and the bees talk. Miles!" Grandpa yelled.
"Yeah, dad?" Arnold's father rounded the corner, wiping off a wine glass with a rag.
"Think you'd better go talk to the short man." Grandpa said, "He's seen some things..."
"What kind of things?" Miles asked, as his wife Stella too stepped into view.
"Oh you know... he just needs a little clarification on a few of the facts of life." Grandpa said, "And since you're here I don't have to go through that again..." Grandpa got slightly emotional, "Honestly... that's just the best part about having you back after all this time..."
"Oh, that kind of talk, huh?" Miles scratched his chin and pondered, "Let's see... um... is that the one where you find the reciprocal and multiply the number by the..."
"No, that's dividing fractions, honey..." Stella said.
"Um... is it where you turn on the hazard lights, apply the handbrake, put on the wedges and then-" Miles tried again.
"No, that's changing a tire, Miles..." Grandpa sighed, "Sheesh, sleeping ten years really did a number on you huh. I thought if anything you'd be refreshed and ready to go..."
"I think your dad is talking about... you know... growing up?" Stella said.
"Oh wait, right... I know!" Miles said, "Right. I'll just go and... have a little talk with him then." Miles said confidently and headed up the stairs to Arnold's room, saying, "One minute you're changing diapers, and the next they're old enough to know the facts of life..."
"Sure feels like it..." Stella said, rubbing her temples.
The next morning at the beeper emporium, Helga awoke and lurched out of bed with all the energy and speed of someone fifty years her senior. As she stumbled to her bathroom mirror she greeted her reflection with disgust. She briefly ran her fingers through her unwashed, oily and unkempt hair and smiled.
"There, that's better." she said, as she tied her omnipresent pink bow into place atop her head. "I am getting too old for this 'morning' business…"
As she stretched her arms however she felt something strange. A strange sensation as if something were out of place, but she couldn't quite put a finger on what.
"That's strange… I feel somehow like… there's more to me than there used to be…" she said to herself. Looking down at her torso she patted herself. An uncomfortable realization came over her and she groaned, "Ugh, these stupid things are getting bigger… oh what do I do now? Suppose I could ask Miriam…" Helga mimicked her mother's droning voice, "Huh? Oh yeah, that's nice dear… just put on a vest while I go take a nap… Doi!" Helga shook her head and pondered other options, "Maybe Phoebe? No… she's flat as a board… and I'm not discussing this with the likes of Lila, even is she is 'gifted.'"
There was but one possible answer to her plight, much to her dismay.
"Ugh, has it really come to this? Need I go to her? My pretty sister predecessor…"
Helga shuddered, but knew that alas her big sister Olga was the only source of help she had for this kind of issue, and since she was home for a few days she decided to take advantage and ask for some advice. She took a short walk that felt like a mile over to Olga's room and knocked on the door. Olga naturally got the best room in the emporium, Helga noted privately.
"Um, hey Olga." she muttered
Olga, looking effortlessly radiant for seven in the morning, like a freaking shampoo commercial, Helga thought, turned in her direction.
"Why good morning, darling baby sister." she said in her insipidly dreamy voice, "Did you get a good night sleep?"
She looked at Helga who looked ragged, baggy-eyed and scowling as usual.
"Yeah, yeah, it was fine. Slept like a tank. Listen, far be it from me to come to you for advice but uh…"
"Oh baby sister, you can ask me anything." Olga said, "I have a unique plethora of life experience to draw upon to give you big sisterly advice."
"Uh huh. I bet. Well this is probably pretty standard for any girl, and you just happen to be the closest one in the vicinity." Helga stated sternly. "So don't flatter yourself."
"It is wonderful how close we've become lately, isn't it?" Olga asked.
"Uh huh," Helga said as she crossed her fingers, "Yep, we're like this now. So listen-"
"I've just never felt so close to you as I do now."
"Great, so-"
"I could just listen to you and your tween hurdles for hours. You know, I just love helping you-"
Helga finally lost her temper, "Then start by shutting your mouth and LISTENING!"
Olga, realizing what she had been doing covered her mouth, "Oh… sorry, baby sister. You were saying?"
Helga groaned, "It's just that in the last year or so I've been experiencing shall we say one or two little, uh… changes. And they've started to get a little… well… not so little."
"Uh huh?" Olga nodded.
"I just need to know what to do about them…" Helga said.
"Uh huh?" Olga nodded again.
Helga frowned, "What to do about my… one or two little changes… that are getting bigger…"
Olga's face remained completely guileless and clueless, and Helga realized her sister was going to force her to spell it out. With a long beleaguered sigh, Helga finally gestured to her chest. To her horror, a look of revelation flashed across Olga's face and she threw her arms around her already annoyed little sister.
"Oh baby sister! You're blossoming into a woman!" Olga cried out.
"You always gotta make something horribly awkward even worse, don't you…" Helga grumbled.
"Oh my, yes you are getting just a little busty aren't you?" Olga noted.
"Oh, shut it!" Helga shot back, and crossed her arms, "You want the whole world to hear? Or just the whole neighborhood?"
"Oh Helga, don't be embarrassed, be proud." Olga shook her finger, "We Pataki ladies are gifted like that."
Helga huffed, "Uh huh, so are the Pataki men, but I doubt Bob is proud of his-"
"Helga!" Olga scolded her.
"Ah shut up, it was funny and you know it…" Helga muttered.
"It's still not a very nice thing to say about the man who puts a roof over your head." Olga insisted.
"Uh huh." Helga said, "Hey, remember when we lived in a house and not this rundown store that no one uses?"
"Oh, daddy will turn things around any day now. Have a little faith in him. Tell you what little sister, I've got the afternoon off so I'll pick you up from school and take you… shopping."
"Shopping?" Helga asked in terror, "For what?"
"Helga, if not now very soon you're going to need some… support." Olga giggled, "So it's time you started… training."
"I hate my life…" Helga groaned.
"Oh Helga, this will be a wonderful chance for us to bond as sisters." Olga mused, "I really do want to make a sincere effort to be closer to you now."
"Yeah. We tried that once. Didn't go so well." Helga crossed her arms again and turned away.
"But I really do, Helga. I know I haven't always been there for you, baby sister, but I want to be now. I promise I won't make a mess of it like last time…" Olga said.
"Yeah… you really thought telling my bedwetting saga to the class was somehow going to be inspirational and impress them?" Helga huffed.
"It was my first day of teaching… I thought it was a relatable topic…" Olga said.
"Yeah even if it is, none of them were gonna fess up to it!" Helga snipped, "They're all sharks who are gonna swarm as soon as they smell blood in the water, and you basically slit both my wrists and threw me to them…"
"That's an awfully dark metaphor…" Olga remarked quietly.
"Yeah, well I write a lot of poetry… and I've been watching Shark Week." Helga admitted, "But whatever. They've forgotten about it. Or at least they know better than to remind me of it."
"Wonderful." Olga clapped, "You'd better run along and get ready for school. I'll remind mommy to make your lunch, and I'll pick you up at three thirty."
Helga sighed. She couldn't fault Olga for at least trying to be a better sibling than she had been in years past, but she could fault her for how royally she would inevitably embarrass her. It was the best of her many talents, after all.
Well. That happened. Wonder what'll happen next...