He threw that pillow at me, we both laughed, I swear the time freezes every time he laughs or smiles, I kinda felt as childish as I used to feel around him. Maybe it was a dumb feeling. Something practically numb that my mind decided to focus on. Or it was the habit, totally the habit. He was laughing at how stupid I could be, wasn't he?
"Don't laugh. It's not funny!" I insist, trying to hold my own laughter. I couldn't stop laughing. I closed my legs and sighed. Poison oak was my payback for all my sins.
"Sorry!" He keeps laughing, in that sweet way. I felt like he was probably sorry, deeply sorry, somewhere in his mind, there was the thought that I wasn't having my best time, but it was so sweet to see him laugh this way. "I thought that you were going to tell me something else!" He catches his breath. We haven't been having the best marriage, for sure, everything is falling apart, but I feel like this fixes something somehow.
"Like what?" I crack a spontaneous smile, gotta admit the poison oak is still pissing me off and I don't feel very comfortable, but I try to focus on this conversation. I try to focus on his smile.
"Like you were pregnant, or something..." he says, now allowing both of his hands to rest on his pockets. He chuckles a bit more. I feel a little shook.
"Ha, funny." I say. I roll my eyes dramatically. I'm obviously not pregnant, and the enthusiasm Derek showed at the news that it was poison oak, made me think... what If I am pregnant? How would be react? Would he hate me forever for trapping him like that? There was no way to find out anyways.
"You seem relieved." Crap, I already screwed the good mood, didn't I? He frowns at me, half caring, half goofy.
"What do you mean?" He asks. He knows what I meant, he just wants me to clarify it, come on, I know him since always. He walks a little closer to the feet of the bed.
"That you seem relieved. You're saying 'Thank God I'm not trapped in such a thing'" I say. He stares a me for a silent minute.
Maybe it was too much, or too mean, or cruel to say that. I was probably picturing everything wrong, I was probably just... throwing everything away. Again.
"Addison..." he says softly. I can see he's serious. "It's not that I'm relieved, I mean, I am. I thought it was worse than poison oak. Are you saying that you feel like I'm relieved that you're not pregnant?" Derek asks. Of course I was trying to say that! What else? I nod silently, and I close my eyes for a minute.
I don't hear anything, but I feel him move around the room, I wish I could open my eyes and notice I'm all alone, so I could cry in silence. Instead of that, the sound of a chair makes me shake in amusement, I open my eyes, and I see him sitting on a chair next to the exam table. Next to me.
He smiles, with some sorrow, I can recall. He grabs my hand and squeezes it. "It was that, wasn't it?" He asks me. Now I get it, McDreamy.
"Yeah." I say. I can't help but say it with a sad toned low one, looking around, knowing that if I look back into his blue eyes I could fall in love all over again; and forget about the fact that he's in love with another woman.
"If you were pregnant, I would be thrilled." He says, squeezing my hand gently again, making me feel that warm sensation all over my body, that warm sensation that I feel when he does or says cheesy things that make me feel better. He shows me a smile, I see it for a second, but I look away again.
"But I'm not, so we can just... forget about this whole mess." I say, still looking away from him, denying the happiness I feel because of what he said, trying to act as cold as I can. I haven't changed, right? I gotta stick myself into my character. The adulterous bitch. Cold bitch and ruler of all that is evil.
"Addie, what's wrong?" He notices I'm tense. He knows. His other hand starts caressing my upper arm.
"Don't..." I say, I look at him for a second and then I move the hand on my arm, I take it out, I unfold my hand from his, crossing both of my arms against my chest. "Don't do that." He shows a sad expression, like he would like to keep touching my soft skin.
"Addison..." he needs an explanation, for sure. He doesn't seem to understand why my pessimism.
"I'm an adulterous bitch, Derek. That's all I am to you, to Mark, to everyone, including myself." He looks into my eyes. "I am a shame. You hate me, you do, don't deny that." And I exploded. Great. "There's no day that I regret what I did." He is standing up from his chair, but I prefer to ignore and keep talking. "...because now, you act like you could survive the rest of your life next to me, but we both know I will always be the whore who slept with your best friend." I keep venting, I am disappointed. Sleeping with Mark Sloan was the worst thing I could have ever done.
"Addison!" He finds a way to shut up my mouth. "I promised we were going to work on it. We are. Okay?" He says, posing a hand on my knee. To be honest his touch makes me feel comfortable. I keep staring at his light smile and blue eyes and I'll I get is watery eyes. He wants to work it out, it doesn't seem like an obligation anymore.
"Okay." I whisper. Looking away again, posing my right hand on my eyes, trying to hold the tears. I was in sorrow. Sadness. The man I loved was never going to love me the way he once did.
His hand is gone from my knee, for a moment I'm relieved he's probably getting out of the room. I just want to cry. Loneliness was my new best friend. But the weight on the exam table changes, I can feel the touch of his fingers around my shoulder. He's caressing it.
"Addie, come here." He says, leaning on, I take my hand out of my eyes, and I let him hold me. I feel how his strong arms wrap around my torso, how his strong hands pull me closer into the hug. I ran a hand through his hair, and I buried my head into his chest, so I could cry in there for a minute, he keeps holding me, letting me rest in there for a minute. I cry. That's all I do. I cry and I keep crying and I wish I could stop, because I know I will feel embarrassed after this.
"I'm sorry." I say, between tears. "I love you, Derek. I really do." I say. Why am I saying this?! I'm being cheesy like he has always been. Or maybe I'm just being realistic enough to let him know what my intentions are. I feel his hand caressing my back, and I exhale heavily.
This feels like home.
Derek says something on my ear, something I don't know what is it for sure, something that creeps me out a little, shocks me. "I love you." He repeats now, clearly. He says it in a way I want to believe it's true.
His hands go up my back to my neck, taking my head on his hands, he takes some tears away from my cheeks, smiling at me, a soft and kind smile.
"I'm sorry." I almost whisper. He nods.
"I know you are." That's all he says. For a moment it's just his eyes and mines, but he ends the silence; "I am too." He says. That sad expression makes me realize he's telling me the truth.
/lol! This is something I'm trying... idk if I will keep writing it tho