Ian was determined to get over Mickey Milkovich. Mickey the stupid neighborhood bully. Mickey the low life kid in and out of Juvie. Mickey the boy who got shot twice in front of Ian. Mickey Milkovich the boy whose face was burned in the back of Ian's eyelids. Ian was done crying, he had no more tears left in him. His tears had somehow vanished with the hope that he once had, hope that Mickey would come back somehow and apologize and tell Ian that yes he was in fact gay, and yes that he did love Ian too. Who was Ian kidding? Expecting so much from Mickey who couldn't even look at him after his father had walked in on them. What did he expect from Mickey really, ever since day one Mickey had been distant. Mickey wasn't one to talk about his and Ian's relationship, let alone act on some romantic gesture that would sweep Ian off his feet and drive off into the sunset. By now, Ian knew better then to expect much from Mickey; he would let him go- he had to.
Ian lay in his bed contemplating his day. What he was going to do, where he was going to go. It was hard however, because everywhere he went he would be reminded of the Milkovich boy who broke his heart. Ian knew he couldn't lay in his bed any longer without his older sister Fiona becoming suspicious, so he decided to get up and shower before going for a walk. Anywhere but here he thought to himself before pushing the covers off of him. Anywhere but here.
Ian walked aimlessly outside without any sense of direction. He walked by the Alibi room and walked by the Kash N Grab. He continued to walk until he seen the baseball field. A sharp pain fell into Ian's stomach when he stared at the field. Memories filled his mind when he remembered Mickey getting out of Juvie the first time, remembering shot-gunning beer with Mickey before bending him over. He remembered how Mickeys face was pushed up against the fence and his moans of excitement would echo in the dugout. He remembered everything about Mickey so well. Ian was back at square one. All Ian wanted to do was stop thinking- stop thinking about him. Completely forget about Mickey Milkovich and accept the fact he is going to be a father, and that he is getting married to some whore. Ian wants to accept that the two of them would never be happy together or in a relationship. Ian wasn't expecting a wedding, gay marriage wasn't accepted in his neighborhood; hell it wasn't even accepted in the state. Ian just wanted Mickey to accept the fact that they were in love, Ian knew through all of Mickeys unspoken words and actions that he loved him back. Ian needed to hear it directly from Mickey, wanted to hear him say those words and then Ian could plan his next move from there.
Ian tried to walk away from the baseball field, but it had felt as if some magnetic force was pulling him closer. With every step he took the feeling of magnets pulling him became stronger and stronger before it was to powerful for Ian to walk away. Within seconds Ian was standing at the back of the dugout. Wanting to go around and enter, but he couldn't. Couldn't find the strength to re-live any memory he and Mickey shared together. He felt the sharp pain in his stomach intensify, making him want to run and puke and curl up in a ball and cry the pain away.
Just as he was about to make a run for it he heard crying of his own. Muted sobs came from within the dugout, and Ian was curious to see who it was. Ian could tell the crying was trying to be contained as he too tried to contain his, with his brothers Carl and Lip sleeping in the beds beside him. Ian was curious of this particular crying because the gruffled voice beneath it. Ian went around the dugout to the entrance and stood in the doorway.
Ian stared, careful not to make a sound- careful to be unseen by Mickey who was sobbing into the fence. Mickeys fingers were squeezing tightly around the diamond shaped holes of the fence. Ian could tell Mickey couldn't hold it in anymore. Mickey broke down, crying, sobbing- biting his bottom lip to try and contain the upcoming tears but failing to hold them in. Ian felt tears of his own welling up in his eyes. It killed Ian to see the boy he was in love with in so much pain, it killed him to stand there and not be able to do anything. What could he do? Mickey was unpredictable, one word and Mickey would be on top of Ian pummeling him into the ground for even seeing him in that state. Ian did the only thing he could do; Ian walked away. Ian looked back and debated whether or not to go back to talk to Mickey- to let Mickey know that he wasn't going anywhere and that they should run away together. He knew however how badly that would turn out so instead Ian kept walking. Ian realized then that he no longer needed Mickey to admit his love for him, that his unspoken words were enough. The sobbing, the tears, the silence and the look on Mickeys face as he tried to hold himself together- all told Ian that yes Mickey loved him, and yes Mickey was gay.