The OOC
Tsunade has a silly accident with her research and all of Konoha gets completely 'Out-of-Character'! Along with Sunagakure, but I'm getting ahead of myself here. Just a note: let's all use our imaginations to pretend that the rookie 9 and Gai's team are all about 13-14! Got it? Good! The same goes for the Sand siblings, except Temari is 16.
Pairings (and some of them will be very whack, so you'll just have to deal):
NejiTen
NaruHina
SasuSaku
ShikaIno
ChouAyame
KakaTem (Yes, I do mean KakashixTemari)
AsumaKur
GaaOC
Other pairings that occur because of the ridiculous events that take place in this story:
NejiHina (slight)
KibaHina (slight)
KankuTen (mostly one-sided)
Sasuxfangirls (in this story, Sasuke becomes a bit of a playboy. Sorry Sasuke fans.)
LeeSaku (slight, and only temporary, trust me.)
thinking
"shouting"
"SHOUTING EVEN MORE SO"
On with the story!
Tsunade sat hunched over her desktop, working enthusiastically on a new medicine she had thought of. The desk was covered in old, leather-bound books, long medical scrolls covered in long, scrawled writing, test-tubes, and a large assortment of other oddities that one would expect to find only in a mad-scientist's lab. No, unfortunately that does not include Frankenstein's monster.
Taking a final pinch of crushed antler from a small container, Tsunade sprinkled it all over the surface of the deep blue liquid. For several moments, the liquid remained unchanged. Tsunade crossed her fingers, desperately hoping that all her hard work would pay off. A small poof of smoke lifted up from the beaker, and Tsunade gasped excitedly. Triumphantly, she held her creation carefully in her hands.
"Finally! A medicine that can cure the common-cold! Theoretically anyways…" She added under her breath. At that very moment in time, just as she had succeeded, theoretically mind you, an unrealistically absurd accident took place.
"Ton-ton!" The very porker himself burst through the doors and ran squealing into Tsunade's legs. The beaker flew up into the air and Tsunade dived towards it desperately.
"Phew!" Tsunade sighed in relief, sending a nasty look towards the pig. Unfortunately, her troubles weren't over.
"Ton-ton, get back here!" Shizune ran into the room and promptly fell over the frazzled Hokage. Tsunade's mouth opened in a silent scream as her medicine flew through the air and crashed into a million pieces in the sink. Well, if one looked on the bright side, Tsunade should have at least been happy that it had broken in the sink. It's just so much more convenient to clean up that way. But no, of course, Tsunade was furious.
"YOU IDIOT! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! ALL MY PAINSTAKING WORK, RUINED IN SECONDS!" She bellowed. Shizune bowed her head guiltily.
"I'm so sorry, Tsunade-sama. But you must understand! The pig!" Tsunade gave her a blank look, but then broke down into tears on the tabletop. She brought her fist down on the table, unwittingly knocking a large container of black powder into the sink. The powder and liquid combined created an invisible, deadly gas that had mysterious qualities. Of course, since it was trapped in an enclosed space the only ones in danger were Tsunade, Shizune, and Ton-ton.
"There there…" Shizune patted her on the back. "Maybe some fresh air will help." Shizune opened a window, letting all the gas escape out into the streets of Konoha. Of course, if this had really happened, the gas would be diluted since the amount of air exceeds the amount of gas. But we're not really going to bother with technicalities. The gas spread across all of Konoha, infecting each and every one of its inhabitants. And wouldn't you know it? Today was 'No-Mission Day!' That was the day where every ninja in the village was required to take the day off. So yes, all the Genins and the Chunins and the Jounins and the ANBU became infected with the gas too. That sentence right there should have had three commas, but as previously said: we're not bothering with technicalities.
-Outside-
"Say, what's that noise?" Asked an ANBU guard stationed outside the Hokage building. (Who shall now be known as guard 1.)
"You mean that heart-wrenching wail coming from the top floor?" Said the other ANBU guard to guard 1. (This guy is now guard 2.)
"Yeah."
"Ah, that would be Tsunade-sama bawling her eyes out." Guard 2 said knowledgeably.
"And, you wouldn't happen to have any idea why she would be crying, would you?" Guard 2 took off his cat ANBU mask and stared at Guard 1 intensely. "What? I'm just asking!"
"Are you being serious?" Guard 2 gave Guard 1 an 'oh-my-god-you-are-either-retarded-or-you've-never-moved-out-of-your-mothers-basement' kind of look.
"Yes, I am being serious, so why won't you just tell me? Is it really such a big deal?" Guard 1 said honestly. Guard 2 looked about and beckoned for Guard 1 to come in close. Guard 1 leaned over and waited for an explanation.
"She's having a mood-swing." Guard 2 whispered.
"Huh…?" Guard 1 scratched his head. "Don't they have medication for that?" Guard 2 sighed.
"No. Not that type of mood-swing. You know, most women get them during certain times of the month."
"…"
"God damn it! Do I have to spell it out for you?"
"Apparently, yes." Guard 1 said, still oblivious to what Guard 2 was trying to say. Guard 2 looked about nervously and whispered quickly into his ear. No, not his own ear, but Guard 1's ear. Just wanted to make sure that was clear, because sometimes people can be somewhat dense. What? No, I'm not implying that you're stupid! Oh, never mind…
"She's PMSing…" Guard 2 said like it was the answer to everything. But we all know that the answer to everything is really 42! Duh! How many years can a man live? 42 of course! How long is a mile? 42, but we all knew that already… If you don't understand, I suggest you go and watch Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and be enlightened with the glory of 42!
"…I…I don't get it…" Guard 1 admitted.
"Oh forget it." Guard 2 sighed.
-Inside-
"Say, what happened to the medicine?" Shizune was staring at the almost empty sink. The liquid had mysteriously disappeared, leaving behind only the shattered glass.
"I suppose it drained down the sink…" Tsunade said glumly.
"No, no… That can't be it …" Shizune scratched her head. "I know! It must have drained down the sink!"
"How do you do it, Shizune?" Tsunade asked sarcastically.
"It was quite simple dear Watson." Shizune pulled out a bubble pipe from behind her back and puffed on it vigorously.
"Oh, you forgot to light your pipe first!" Tsunade lit a match, and touched it to the end of the bubble pipe. The pipe immediately combusted with a bang, and sent poor Shizune flying out the window. Tsunade laughed hysterically as Shizune fell right on top of ANBU Guard 2.
"Oh! I finally understand!" Guard 1 exclaimed. "When women fall from the sky, that's called PMS! Right?"
"You're stupid…" Guard 2 mumbled, his spiral eyes spinning crazily.
"Am I dead yet?" Shizune asked Guard 2 dazedly.
"No, Shizune-san…"
"Oh good…" She then promptly passed out.
-Meanwhile-
"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto banged on his teacher's front door with such urgency, one might think that there was a fire.
"I'm coming… Please don't break down my door Naruto…" A sleepy Kakashi opened the door, a stocking cap covering his Sharingan, and wouldn't you know it? He was still wearing his mask.
"Say, do you really sleep with your mask on?" Naruto asked. "People drool in their sleep, and that would be really disgusting if you wore that mask all night, and then never took it off…"
"No, I just put it on when I have company." Naruto stared at him skeptically.
"I'm not so sure if you're telling the truth…"
"What did you want? I want to go back to bed…" Kakashi yawned. Well, it didn't really look like he was yawning with his mask on, but trust me, he yawned all right.
"Sensei, you do know that it's 3 PM, right?" Naruto questioned.
"Your point being?" Kakashi asked innocently, like sleeping until 3 PM was completely normal.
"Well, it was so strange. One moment, I was sitting at my most favorite place in the world: Ichiraku Ramen, eating miso ramen, when suddenly, I passed out!"
"And I should care why?" Kakashi asked. "You probably ate so much that you passed out, which from my point of view isn't very healthy."
"No no no! You didn't let me finish!" Naruto jumped up and down eagerly. "Well, when I came to, everyone around me had passed out too! The Ichiracku owner, Ayame, even people on the streets were lying there like dead things."
"Like dead things…" Kakashi repeated.
"Yes!"
"Oh my God… You didn't pass…!"
"HEY, THAT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE!" Naruto interrupted before Kakashi could finish accusing him. "After I woke up, everyone else recovered just a little while later. Then, I had this sudden urge to come ask you something!"
"Thrilling story, Naruto." Kakashi said sarcastically. "So, what do you need to ask me?"
"Um, can I come in? I don't really want to talk about it in the open…" Naruto mumbled, his cheeks tinged with pink.
"This had better not be about what I think it is. I'm not your father you know."
"It's not about that!" Naruto yelled at him, his voice sounding flustered.
"Good." Kakashi beckoned Naruto inside. "Come take a seat at the kitchen table. Don't make yourself at home though."
As he walked through the kitchen door, Naruto saw a miniature bar just to his left. "Wow, you have a bar at your house? That's so cool! What kinds of booze do you have? Any hard stuff? Uh…" Naruto stopped talking as Kakashi glared at him.
"And why do you need to know about my liquor cabinet?" Kakashi asked suspiciously.
"Sorry…" Naruto pulled out a chair and took a seat at the kitchen table. The kitchen was surprisingly spotless, unlike his own apartment.
"Well, shoot." Kakashi sat opposite him.
"Can I forget subtlety?"
"Sure, I guess…" Naruto took a deep breath.
"Can I please borrow, or at least look at one of your Icha Icha Paradise books?" Kakashi stared wide-eyed at Naruto; he clearly hadn't been suspecting this.
"Um, no."
"Why not?" Naruto whined piteously.
"Are you 17?"
"Well, no…"
"Then as a responsible adult, I cannot permit someone your age to read such material." Kakashi refused.
"You don't have to tell anyone!" Naruto pleaded. "Listen, if you just let me have one book, I'll… uh… I'll…"
"You'll what…?" Kakashi's eye narrowed. After several moments of deliberation, Naruto's face lit up with sudden inspiration.
"I-I'll make you Vice-CEO of the whole joint! A-And you'll get a free, lifetime-membership!" Naruto practically bounced up and down with excitement.
"Vice-CEO?" Kakashi blinked. "Of what? And what authority do you have to give out such a title?"
"That's just another idea I had when I recovered from having passed out! I'll let you in on more if you give me the book." Kakashi pondered a moment. There were several things at stake here. For one, his conscience would certainly bother him for giving a rather… explicit novel to a minor. Secondly, if anyone found out about this, he would probably be sent to jail. Lastly, well, all that was left was his dignity. If he was indeed the responsible adult he claimed he was, he should just say no.
"Alright, fine. Here you go, but you have to return it by tomorrow." Kakashi carefully drew out Icha Icha Paradise from his back pocket, and handed it over into Naruto's eager hands. "So, what's this business proposal you're blathering on about?"
Naruto gently slipped the book into an inside pocket of his jacket. "Alright, so here's the plan. You know that empty construction site in the center of town?"
"Yeah…"
"Well, if I can get Tsunade oba-chan to purchase it for me, then I have more than enough cash to build a club there! I've got killer plans for it, and with my kage-bunshin replacing almost all workers that I would have to hire, profits will be sky-high!"
"Ehm, by club… You're not talking about a stripclub, are you?" Kakashi asked uneasily.
"Damn straight!" Naruto smiled evilly. "See, one side can be the stripclub, while the other half of the building can be used as a Teen club."
"This Teen club won't have any strippers, right? Because that would definitely mean major law suits."
"Well, I'll let the people decide on that matter…" Naruto grinned even wider. "Now, I can set you up as the Vice-CEO. You'll have an office on the top floor, and access to both clubs 24/7. I'll fill you in on your duties once I get a better scope of how I'm going to work this out. I won't consider myself CEO, because I'll be working alongside you sensei. We'll be running the business together. You and I will each get 1/3 of the profits, and the other third will be set aside for any expenses we have. So sensei, do you accept the position?" Kakashi hesitated, but then shook Naruto's hand in agreement.
"What I'm concerned about the most, is how you came up with this idea. And why you needed my Icha Icha Paradise book as well." Kakashi said out loud.
"Well, sensei. I suppose you could say that I've uncovered my inner pervert."
"I don't know whether to congratulate you, or be appalled." Kakashi sighed. "Ah well! Shall we talk to Tsunade, oh say, 10 AM tomorrow?"
"So, taking into account your lateness habit, you really mean noon, don't you, sensei?"
"Precisely!"
"Right then! I'll draw out the building design and structure tonight! See you tomorrow, sensei!" Naruto dashed out the door, his hand held protectively over the book in his jacket. Kakashi moaned slightly into his hands. What had he gotten himself into?
…………………………
Meanwhile, everyone all over Konoha began acting a bit strange.
-Hyuuga Complex-
Hinata winced as an annoying pair of hands shook her shoulders. She groggily lifted her head off the floor. Wait, why was she lying facedown on the floor?
"Hinata-sama, are you alright?" Hinata barely perceived Neji's voice through her fuzzy consciousness.
"Oh damn…" She grunted. Hinata gasped suddenly. Did she just curse? Just as if he read her mind, Neji broke the silence.
"Um, did you just curse Hinata?" Neji's eyebrow raised in confusion. "And I didn't think you had it in you…"
"Uh, yeah…" Hinata rubbed her head. "Oh geez, what happened?"
"No idea." Neji shrugged. "Everyone just passed out. I think you and I are the only ones conscious at the moment." Neji grabbed hold of his cousin's hand and gently lifted her to her feet. "Come and help me wake everyone else." One by one, the two were able to account for every Hyuuga in the building, all except for one.
"Any idea where Hiashi-sama might be?" Neji asked Hinata.
"I've searched every room, and he's not here." Hinata said softly.
"Oh god…" Neji slapped his face and groaned. "Not there…"
"Where? Do you know where my Father is?"
"Yes, but you're not going to like it…"
"So, tell me already, Neji nii-san!" Neji whispered quickly into her ear. Hinata blushed madly and almost screamed. "HE'S IN THE BATHROOM?"
"Well, I'm not going in to get him!" Neji crossed his arms. "You deal with it! I've got to go and meet my team for training."
"B-But, I c-can't… He's my F-Father!" Hinata stammered. "And besides, today is 'No-Mission Day!' H-how can you have training?"
"Tell that to Gai-sensei…" Neji grumbled. "Well, good luck with Hiashi-sama Hinata!" And with that, Neji ran for the window that was conveniently nearby.
"No Neji! Wait!" But it was too late, Neji had already leaped out the window. "DAMN YOU NEJI!" She covered her mouth quickly. What in the world was coming over her? She ran off to the kitchen to wash her mouth out with soap for being a potty-mouth.
Neji walked off into town, inwardly chuckling at the predicament he had left Hinata in. Mind you inwardly, because we know that Neji is too much of a cold-hearted bastard to express any emotion whatsoever. Still chuckling inwardly, he stopped suddenly. Out of the back of his head, he saw a cluster of girls gawking at him. He sighed disgustedly. Why did girls always have to do that? Sure, he didn't have as many followers as Sasuke, but he still had just enough to be considered a disturbance of the peace.
He turned around and gave the whole group one of his famous Byakugan glares. They all turned tail and fled from his hard, icy gaze. He smirked, but that was inward as well, so no one could really tell that he was smirking in the first place.
Without another moments delay, Neji continued towards the training grounds.
…………………………
Geez, my writing's regressed… Well, I suppose that's what happens after you've had writer's block for almost 6 months. Listen up everyone, I'm putting Snake Lords on hold for now, because honestly, the plot line has become too ridiculous, and I can only think of one way to end it. Unfortunately, that ending is the old: meteor hits the Earth, and I know people won't be too happy with that. Snake Lords is the very source of my writer's block, so I'm going to lay off it, and I'll try to get back to it someday.
I've finally decided that the only way to get over my writer's block is to start a fresh story. Once I'm sure my writer's block has ended, then I will get back to Right Out of a Hat. But for now, enjoy this queer story! Please review, and if you have any suggestions, let me know and I just might consider them.