Last night's memories were haze when I woke up the next morning, panting and searching for him. Keito had left on a business trip to Tokyo that had influenced Haru and I to stay up late over the Friday night to watch movies. But when I awoke, Haru was no where to be found. Shoes weren't at the door, and more concerning was a trail of red liquid trailing through the house. In a panic I searched every room of the house, nosily shutting and opening doors, dyer, washer, cabinets, closets and everything else Haru would think to hide in. Nothing.
There were blankets on the couch where we'd both fallen asleep with the television on, the memory of our huddled bodies still fresh in my mind. Haru where are you? Then I heard it. Rather, him. On the back porch, a familiar hum resonated in the summer wind. Singing?
My feet carried me faster than I could think of how to slide the door, fingers fumbling a moment before rushing outside. In horror before reaching Haru I stopped dead. The green grass littered with something that resembled blood, his clothes drenched as if he were wounded.
"Haru!" I called out before stumbling forward, bare feet sticking in the liquid. "Wh-what are you doing?" It was then I saw it, the paint brush and bucket in his hand. With a terror filled sigh I rolled my eyes, heart heaving uncomfortably.
"Yuuuki!" Another clumsy dip into the bucket splashed paint on me before he messily sopped the liquid onto a fresh bush of roses.
"What are you doing, stop it!"
"I'm painting the roses red, Yuki! Like in the movie we watched last night!" Haru started to sing that song again. Alice in Wonderland. Damn it, why do I show him these things?
"Haru, these will make the flowers sick! These are white roses, not red."
For a moment Haru paused, face souring and cheeks puffing. "I only want them to be as beautiful as Yuki is."
Wh...what did he just say. No. He's just innocent Yuki. Don't fool yourself. "Ha-haru, please." An arm reached out to grip his, but instead of bending to my will he broke it. Our arms began flailing and after a moments struggle we toppled to the ground. The paint buckets contents pooled behind Haru's blond hair as I fell on top him.
"Look what you've done!" How could someone be so stupid? So naive, so innocent.
"You're beautiful." Haru echoed yet another movie. "That's what he said when she was angry." He smiled. "That's the face she made too."
Princess Mononoke? "Haru cut it out, just come inside and lets get you cleaned up."
"You said she made that face because she was in love with him!" He yelped, pulling himself up which in turn forced me to sit up rather quickly to avoid his..well..face.
"N-No!" Watching movies with Haru was just as difficult as you'd imagine. Asking questions every few seconds. What's this? Why are they doing that? Over analyzing every detail because he couldn't understand half of it.
"If you love me you'll kiss me! Yuki, you said Howl and Sophie kissed because they loved each other!" Suddenly the tables were turned, his body hovering over mine, my back pressing into the wet grass, undoubtedly gushing in red paint.
"No! I can't love you, stop it. Just st-stop!" The water was coming before he started his next sentence, another stab at the movies we'd watched the night before.
"When we watched Arrietty you said she couldn't be with him because she was too different. Can you not be with me... because I'm an Alien?"
"Haru that's totally different. You don't love me the way I love you."
"What? Of course I do! I want to hold Yuki, call him beautiful and kiss him just like in the movies!"
"It doesn't work that w-way Haru..." My mouth was just trying to make excuses at that point, he didn't understand. He never would.
"Please!" There was a whine in his voice, a begging of what he didn't know. What did Haru know about relationships or kissing even?
"Why not ask someone else? Why me?" The spaces between us were closing rapidly, his fingers around my wrists, and his leg between mine, thighs touching in the summer heat. Haru doesn't even know what he does to me, the way he's laying, or touching me and why it does what is does. Oh to be innocent, to kiss without feeling and deeply underestimate the reason behind tender touching. It's too overwhelming to have feelings for someone like that. They'll never return those feelings because... they simply can't comprehend. Haru will fill his head like this for years until he can fully understand any kind of human affection. He doesn't love me. He can't.
"I don't want anyone else, Yuki." My eyes widened as his voice seemingly lowered, no longer the chipper tone that he was comfortable speaking at. "Yuki said that when people love each other they can't be without that person. That they made the other person happy, they make your heart hurt in the good and bad ways."
"Y-yes..that's...that's all true." In that moment my heart was doing the same dance of hurt and bliss, often stepping into fire every time Haru's words left his mouth, words that were seemingly empty, but if I could filter it out then I'd be hearing what I've always wanted. For the past two years...
"That's what I feel. And when you sleep next to me, I feel like putting my lips on yours so much that the room gets hot and I can't breathe. I don't know why, but I smile every time instead of doing it. You've never told me... but I think that's love too."
"It..It is..." My voice was catching, realizing he could make the connections. That he would really want to kiss me for those...deep and longing reasons.
"Let me kiss you, Yuki. Please. I want to prove it to you." I could see it in Haru's eyes like I could hear it in his voice. Unwavering certainty, longing, a confound repression to keep the space between us without my permission. Am I really just... in denial? Could he truly love me?
"Okay Haru..." My voice was shrill, knowing what I was consenting to. Giving him my first kiss. Letting Haru break an innocence of my own with his lips that were laced with luster and love. The heat was coming quick, darkness rising in my face, pink hues dusting my cheeks before taking my voice with it. Please. I couldn't scream that word, but on the other hand I didn't have to.
"I love you, Yuki." Probably something else he'd seen in a movie. Confession before the act. My eyes stayed open as Haru leaned into me, head tilting and eyes closing. He knew better. They always closed eyes when kissing in the movies...
Then it was there, that feeling of his lips fading into mine. It had been my first kiss...but I knew better that he shouldn't have been that... good. He knew the right amount of pressure to apply, and how his jaw made me tremble under his as it moved, bodies twisting and heads tilting to accommodate the new needs. Deeper, farther into our mouths, tongues meeting with a precise rhythm. Before it became too much, Haru removed his tongue, letting it glide out and slip against my lips before retreating back into his mouth.
"I can feel it." Haru stated, and still in shock I couldn't understand what he was talking about or even begin to guess. "You lied to me."
"I would never lie to you, Haru."
"You love me, I could feel it. When I kissed you I could feel it on my lips, and on my tongue. And now I can taste it in my mouth." Every word spoken was genuinely innocent, and if it hadn't been I would have never known what to think. But... I could admit it too. I could taste it.
"I do... I love you..." Each syllable was shallow, leaving my breathless lungs that had been sucked dry by Haru.
"Yuki, what happens afterwords? In the movies the end is where they kiss. What now? I don't want to stop..."
"They live...happily ever after, Haru. We learned that in... in the princess movies."
"Does that mean we get married? Do we have children, and grow old like humans do?"
"Yes." There wasn't any point of resisting because the word brought a smile to both of our faces. Acceptance never sounded so sweet.
"I want to do something else, Yuki."
"Anything." My heart was beating out of my chest, more than any panic attack would ever dare to bring, and this beat was soothing... the opposite of those horror filled moments.
"When you went to sleep last night another movie came on."
"Okay?" My voice questioned as Haru finally removed himself, offering a hand to lift myself up.
"We have to go upstairs."
"We have to go upstairs anyway to change, okay?" My shirt was bleeding red paint as we walked inside.
"That works perfectly!" Haru chimed, voice resuming to its regular tone, and mouth moving as it usually did. To think that those lips which have so much happiness were the same ones my tongue had been rolling over.
My voice was nagging at Haru as we walked up the stairs, trying to tell him how important it was to not drip on the floor. We'll have to clean up before Keito gets home, I thought.
When we were upstairs I began to take off my clothes piece by piece, carefully discarding the dirty clothing into a designated bin. After I was clean and washed up I helped Haru do the same before grabbing a new set of clothes for the both of us. It wasn't weird to see Haru naked. It'd happened loads of time before. After all we did live in the same house.
"Yuki!" Haru snatched up both neatly folded sets of clothes from my hands.
"Hey! Give them back!" My body lunged, but it didn't matter...Haru was quicker.
"No, we have to keep them off!" There was a giggle on his voice as he threw the clothes onto the dirty paint stained ones.
I was so mad that my mind glossed by the the words he'd spoken previous to such a terrible act. Ruining my clean clothes. He knows how much time I spend folding and sorting them...wait
What did he say?
"Why, what are we going to do?" That was the only time I'd ever felt awkward in front of him. Standing there in my room, how had I not notice he'd closed the door? How could I not have known what have been on so late that he'd been watching? What was always on...only when it was late? So late that even I was sleeping.
"When you love someone very much... you're supposed to..." Haru's voice faded, fingers grazing across my naked chest until his palm felt comfort on my side. "Make love?" The questioning meant that he didn't really know what those words were for. Or even if I'd accept.
"Well...that's true..." What was I saying? I couldn't just... do it. My mind felt dirty even thinking about it. But this was Haru... this was different. It seemed so pure when it was with him... so right.
"I saw how on the T.V with...with people like us." My eyes widened, realizing he knew that was different. For two men...
"You don't have to..." It was then that my hand's met his waist pulling us close...but not so close that we... touched. "I can do it."
"But I want to do it!" I nearly leaped back in shock, my ass hitting the end of the bed. "I want to make Yuki feel good too!"
"H-haru this is embarrassing you don't know what you're saying..." I sat then, knees coming in and legs buckling so he wouldn't see my arising...problem.
"Yuki!" Haru fell to his knees then, nearly fascinated with it. "Let me."
My vision turned hazy in that instant, the beautiful boy at my legs blurring and twisting into something else. Let..you? Without another word my head nodded on its own, pleasure and yearning for something so repressed that my mind wouldn't let me control it.
However embarrassing to admit, I'd touched myself before. Not often, but when I'd needed to. It was never something I indulged in but rather something I tried to get over quickly and thoroughly until I'd have to repeat the process. The act that Haru had begun couldn't even be compared to those embarrassing moments between myself and I.
"Ah! Hahh...Haru..." My voice unwillingly chanted his name as his tongue rolled over the head of my dick, my fingers were driving themselves into the white sheets on the bed. Everything was so wet...I could barely comprehend what he was doing.. I just knew I didn't want him to stop.
"Yuki...Yuki..." Haru mimicked me between gasps of breath, coming up and down on me, mouth lathering my skin with his warmth, a rhythmic pace setting between us. Just when I thought the pleasure couldn't increase his soft fingers met my shaft, pumping up and down with the movement of his mouth. I was squirming under him like an animal, hips buckling, and toes curling in ecstasy before letting out a terribly repressed moan. Haru smiled then, a type of smile I'm sure no one has ever seen of him. Primal, and instinctive. Haru mimicked my moan, and I felt it in the back of his throat, the vibrations shooting pleasure through my length. Our pace was picking up, my breaths setting that pace. Each gasp became shorter and shorter, the spaces between them yearning to meet in the middle. For a release, to breathe...
"Ha..Hah..ru...I'm going to..." Come.
"Not yet." Haru removed himself then, pushing our bodies back onto the bed. Barely lucid enough to react my feet carried me far enough up so that my head could reach the pillow comfortably. Take me, Haru. "Yuki?" My eyes were fluttering open and closed, not use to such pleasure. Haru was indulging me... drowning me in it all.
"Haru?" His body lay over me as it did in the yard, those beautiful purple eyes filled up with love, and lust, satisfaction even. Haru knew he was doing an exceptional job.
"M-me too.." Haru's voice was shrill, head leaning so his hair shamefully fell to his face. Me too? It took a moment, but as our bodies pressed together, his boner met my stomach, warm and full.
"Oh.." My mind snapped out of its previous spell, trying to repress the pleasure in me for at least a little longer.
"Is this... is this how you feel Yuki? Ah...agh..." We both lurched forward, sitting straight on the bed before I was able to say anything.
"Haru!" I gasped, watching his fingers toy with himself, slipping on his soft spot over and over again. "Let me..."
"No!"
"Haru!"
"I want you inside of me.."
I-inside? The blood in my face was rushing and churning those hazy pink colors to a deep red. "I don't want to hurt you..."
"Yuki, pleasee.." His hand pumped down again, the please in Haru's voice dripping with ecstasy. This was too embarrassing, watching him to that to himself. Then realizing... it was me who made Haru that way.
"Lay back.." What? What was I saying? I was about to give myself to him. Hold him down, and fill him up. Know him like a lover should... break that innocence. Did I have that right?
"Yuki?"
"Yes?" We shuffled as we spoke, his tender legs spreading and my palms uncontrollably touching them. Haru's thighs were warm, the blood pumping through them well. So soft...
"I want... I want our babies to have your hair."
"Wh-what!" The word was a scream, never expecting that to come from his mouth. I can easily handle him asking to take his innocence, but this was another subject. An anatomy problem, an understanding problem.
"You're hair is beautiful, Yuki." A tremble set in my spine as his fingers tangled in my thick hair, tugging and pulling me closer to him.
"Thank you Haru, but I can't promise anything..." No use in trying to explain it to him now.
"I'm ready, Yuki." Haru was a lot more flexible then I'd imagined, his legs pulled apart...
This is so... "Okay..Just be still for a moment." I know your first time is supposed to be awkward, but Haru was especially... difficult to handle in situations like these.
He nodded silently, before I slipped my two fingers deep in my mouth, wetting them enough to be slick, my saliva sticking and dripping as they were pulled from my mouth.
"What are you doi-...Agh!" Haru squirmed, hips moving in a circular motion in beat with his rolling ankles as my fingers slipped into him, preparing for the act to come. It was going to hurt, anything to lessen that...
So much for staying still. "Haru, I love you." I began pecking his face with kisses until Haru was forced to giggle, exclaiming how silly we were right before I entered him, purposefully catching the boy off guard.
"Yuki!" His eyes forced shut, undoubtedly feeling the pinch. My lips never stopped kissing him, showering Haru's neck and face with my comforting touch. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Another kiss, and another. Finally those bright purple eyes opened, hazy and yearning for me to move now that his hips had relaxed.
As soon as I dared to move, my mouth moaned, head falling in whatever way gravity let me. Every time I thought the pleasure wouldn't get any better my senses were proven wrong. This was... indescribable. The warmth, the pressure, our hips locked, swaying and beating into one another. Haru's slender body at first seemed helpless under me, but somehow he managed to beat back. Hips swaying into mine so he could get the best angle for himself. Each moment I hit Haru's spot his mouth opened to release a gaggle of words, sometimes evolving into an incomprehensible moan before rocking back into me even harder than before.
"Yuki! Yuki... so beautiful. So warm.. Yuki... Yuki... ah..ahh..." Palms met my shoulder blades, tracing around and about before deciding how his fingers wanted to penetrate my skin. As they tore into me I no longer held back, hips grinding and thrusting into him more swiftly.
"Haru, look at me." Whimpers were leaving his mouth every moment now, that pitiful face so exposed.
"Whhy?" He turned away, exposing his neck, just begging to be bitten..
"I want to look in your eyes when I come, Ha...Haru, please."
He understood, at let our eyes meet. That was when I lost it, climaxing hard, hips slamming into Haru with an incredible speed. For a moment our voices filled the air, moans mixing and intermingling as they reached our ears. What a beautiful sound...our sound. My shoulders were arching forward as I released into Haru, filling him us with my essence. It was only after I finished that I'd noticed Haru's come sticking to my stomach and dripping off of my chest.
"Shit." Gasping for breath we began to relax, my body tearing away from his before hopelessly falling next to him.
"Yuki..." My head turned, and when I was expecting an exhausted expression as mine, It was shocking what I actually saw.
"Haru, what's wrong?" My hands cupped Haru's face, trying to explain what I'd done. "Why are you crying?"
"I'm happy...I'm so happy." The boys eyes were welting up with tears before pooling over the edge. He was happy...
"It's okay, It's okay, I'm here. Haru, It's okay." My arms pulled him on top of me, letting me rock him as the tears still came.
"I don't understand."
"What is it, tell me." There was a small hiccup on his voice as another tear fell on my chest.
"They never cried in the movie afterwords. What does that mean?"
The rocking abruptly halted. Confused, Haru sat up to face me. "It means... that you love me."
"You're...you're crying too, Yuki."
"I k-know." I sniffled, Haru's fingers desperately trying to wipe them away before becoming out of reach.
Haru and I stayed in the bed for quite a while longer. Eventually the both of us stopped crying, and drifted into sleep, both exhausted and tired. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for taking so long, but in the end it was okay because he hadn't been ready yet. No more movies, I said. There was a whine in his voice. What about Ponyo, he begged. It was the only Miyazaki movie we hadn't watched together.
I gave in.
Regrettably, Haru's now asking for us to dress up as Ponyo and Soskue for Halloween. In his many attempts to convince me Haru has been sitting in his red bucket on many occasions in fish form, spewing bubbles and refusing to come out until I give in.
Absolutely no more movies.
Ever.
