Authors Note Just so you know I am, for the sake of this fan fic, ignoring Maureen's existence.

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Hands clenching. Unclenching.

At the moment, those were the only things Magnus was physically capable of doing. That, and walking. Walking away from Alec.

Magnus didn't hear anything behind him. He didn't hear Alec fall to the ground, didn't hear him crying, didn't hear him chasing after the Warlock. Nothing. Alec was merely standing where Magnus had left him, immobile.

If Alec was going to be silent and strong, so would Magnus.

Clench. Unclench.

Whenever Magnus opened his hands, he couldn't control the shaking. Closing his hands into tight fists was the only way he could control. Control everything. The same way that Magnus broke up with Alec, to control the outcome.

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As Magnus's footsteps eventually carried him out of the subway, and back into the New York streets, he was welcomed back with a stormy sky as rain poured around him. His jacket was soaked in seconds, hair hanging limp on his face.

Bleary eyed and feeling dizzy, Magnus stumbled toward the nearest bench, collapsing onto it as his legs gave out.

Magnus wasn't angry. He could never be angry at Alec. Even though the shadowhunter had gone behind his back, considered taking away his immortality, and met up with his enemy and ex-lover, Magnus did not feel any resentment to Alec. He had thought he would have been enraged at Alec, blown up at him in an explosion of anger and blame. And yet, when Magnus saw Alec's face as the shadowhunter realized it was a Warlock waiting to meet him, and not the vampire, all he wanted to do was hold him in his arms. Especially knowing what he was about to do.

Magnus didn't break up with Alec, take his love away from his life, because he felt Alec deserved it. No. Magnus told the shadowhunter to leave his house because Alec truly didn't belong there. As much as it ached Magnus, it was painfully obvious that Alec only be hurt by a relationship with someone who could never truly be with them, grow old with them.

Die with them.

This was Magnus's reasoning as to why he had ripped a part of his soul out. If he had a soul. This was why he would be returning to a house without it's warmth and security. This was why he was hunched over on a bench, holding himself because he'd pushed away the only person who would.

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Blood. Blood was on his hands.

Alec was only just realizing what had happened, what he'd done. He'd just been so angry, so hurt. Alec had been so focussed on the fact that it was all Camille's fault.

Alec had found the vampire, sitting on her damned throne. She'd been watching him with a soft, knowing smile. Her eyes were bright with the pride in what she'd done. The agony and fury had sent Alec over the edge.

When Alec and Camille fought this time, it wasn't like the first. Alec had been confused when he'd attacked Camille, and he hadn't truly wanted to hurt her; she was the only living being Alec knew that knew Magnus in any way that he did. The idea of hearing about Magnus from another side was too tempting to walk away from.

However, now Alec wanted nothing from Camille but fear in her eyes. He hadn't been entirely…there as he'd smashed into the vampire. He'd vaguely heard a gasp of fear leave Camille's ruby red lips before he slammed an angel blade into her heart.

The entire moment was bizarrely anticlimactic. The light from the Seraph blade vanished as it burrowed into the cold flesh. There wasn't a heart to stop, and her empty lungs left no last breath.

Alec had killed Camille. He didn't feel any better about himself. If it were possible, he felt even colder, emptier. What had killing the vampire gotten him?

As Alec finally stood, feeling numb, he realized why this was happening. Why would killing Camille make anything right when she hadn't forced him into anything. Alec was the one who had met up with the vampire, talked with her, made a trade with her. He was the one who was so insecure that he couldn't have a conversation with Magnus without ending in an argument. He was the one who was jealous of everyone Magnus was with, had been with, and might one day be with.

The only thing that changed after killing Camille, was the loss of anger. He had lost the blame on someone else, lost the only motivation, only goal. The only thing left was self-loathing and agony. Alec was tortured by his thoughts, and he knew that it was his own fault.

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Magnus had finally returned to his apartment. He was drenched from sitting in the rain for god knows how long, and he was shaking to the bone. The feeling was gone from magnus' toes and fingers, and it took him multiple tries to get the door open.

Finally the door flew open and Magnus was about to walk in when he paused, standing under the door to his flat, feeling like a stranger at his own house.

The main room of the flat was clean. He knew that he'd left it the usual mess it was. The clothes were cleaned, put in a pile on the bed. Magnus shuffled through the room, his muddy boots still on, as well as his dripping coat. Magnus physically flinched as he took in the emptiness of his bedroom. Only then did he realize how thoroughly Alec had moved into his life.

The bed was made, and more clothes were left in a neat pile on his bed. A small drawer at the end of the bed sat with it's drawers wide open, one pulled off in apparent frustration. Magnus noticed a crack in the wall next to his window. He traced his fingers over it, feeling it caving in slightly. On the ground was a bright blue photograph of Magnus and Alec, embraced in one of the moments that looked so natural. Alec hadn't known Magnus had taken a picture. However, he looked so pleased when Magnus had given it to him, in a frame that reminded him so much of the shadowhunter's eyes.

The frame was now broken. Tiny cracks webbed through the shiny metal, the picture torn by broken glass.

It was all too much; the empty bedroom, the empty bathroom. The shattered picture. Magnus hadn't realized how much he'd hoped that Alec would wait for him in the flat. Beg for Magnus to listen to him, take him back. Oh god how Magnus wanted to take Alec back.

The only thing keeping Magnus from running to the ends of the earth to have the blue-eyed boy back, was knowing that it was for the best that he keep himself out of the shadowhunter's life. He wouldn't die, wouldn't grow old. He couldn't force Alec to forget those facts, and he couldn't expect Alec to be okay thinking that the man he loved would move on easily enough after he died.

A high pitched sound awakened Magnus from his reverie. He felt dizzy from his wound. Magnus shouldn't have been up so soon after being stabbed. His chest throbbed from the pain. And yet, Magnus thrived off of that pain, anything to distract him from the true agony. Magnus grabbed the phone with slow movements. He felt as though he was in a dream, as if he wasn't sure where he was or if anything was truly real. He would soon wake up to bright blue eyes.

"What?" Magnus asked, his voice void of the usual frustration or impatience when it came to customers. He didn't have the energy or spirit to care about much of anything at the moment. However, he needed the phone call, needed something to focus on so that his feet didn't carry him to wherever he would find Alec.

"Oh Magnus, thank god." It was Isabelle, and she sounded breathless. "You hadn't answered before, are you with Alec?" She paused, Magnus could hear distant voices. "Anyways, Jace is injured and we need some help. The Silent Brothers are going to be awhile and I don't want to wait."

Magnus flinched at the hope and trust in Isabelle's voice. She had truly come to count on Magnus, not just as someone to look after her brother, but her as well. Knowing how strong Isabelle was made that realization a sobering one indeed.

And despite it all, he was going to continue hurting people, letting people down, and shutting out the people he cared about. Magnus had hoped that Alec would realize all that he was doing for him. "Isabelle. Don't call this number again. Ever. If you need the assistance of a Warlock, call someone else. From now on, I'm not your pet." Instead of hanging up, Magnus kept the phone pressed to his ear. He honestly hoped for Isabelle to shout at him, call him every terrible name she could think of. He wanted her to blame him for everything, and make him feel worthless.

"Magnus, what happened to you and Alec?" Isabelle asked after a long pause. Her voice was fragile, scared.

No, this wasn't what magnus had wanted. He wanted to confirm the fact that everything bad that happened in the world was his fault, and that he deserved to rot in hell alone. The hurt in Isabelle's voice was crippling in a whole different form of self-hatred.

To think of everything that Isabelle had gone through, brave, strong Isabelle, and hear her sound so unsure and worried made Magnus break inside. She was so much like her brother.

"Please Isabelle," Magnus's voice caught on his words and he closed his eyes, breathing deeply. "I'm finally free to do my work, and not have to watch your careless asses. So take care of yourselves," Magnus sighed, feeling every single wall fall down. He sat on the edge of his bed, Alec's side. He felt something cold and looked down to see Alec's key laying on the bed against his leg.

"Because I won't."