Title: Saying Goodbye
Author: silverthorned
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, creator.
Category: Spike/Tara friendship, Spike/Buffy
Summary: Spoiler "Seeing Red." 4th and last from "Helping
Heal".

*

I loved her.

I loved her with all the purity my rotten soul could muster. I
loved her almost as well as a human would. She showed me more
kindness than I deserved, more than anyone else in my sorry
long existence had.

She had so much light in her, a saint clothed in goddess-shine.
So much, enough to spare, that when she walked beside me, in
the dark, she never lost it. She's gone now, there is no more
Tara, and the stone that covers her is cold under my skin.

The months have covered her grave in grass and tiny purple
wildflowers, but the stone is not scarred yet with weather
or colored with grey lichen. It is still fresh, an aching
reminder of failure.

I trace the letters of her name, and a final message from her
soulmate:

'Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast!
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!'

No longer will her eyes flash at me in exasperated anger, or
shine softly with forgiveness. She was beautiful, in a way I
could never describe, only admire. She was comfort in the midst
of darkness, honesty in the midst of confusion, but even her
friendship wasn't enough to save me.

"Tara," I say, "I wish you could hear me. I've come to say
goodbye. I'm sorry I wasn't here."

I stop, for just a moment, remembering when we'd last been
alone, what she'd told me.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I couldn't be what you thought
I could."

The words just don't come freely. I want to tell her so many
things. What I've done the past few months, how I've changed,
how I've remained the same, but I can't make the words come.

Instead I say futile ones, ones that can't change anything.

"I was wrong, Tara, I thought I could love her. It was never
that easy, that simple. You saw that, and when I needed lies,
you lied to me. When I needed the truth, you never denied me
it, but I hurt her and I hurt you, and I was wrong to ever
interfere."

I stand up.

"You always saw in me something I wanted so desperately to be,
and you loved me for it. You never demanded more than I could
give. It wasn't enough, Tara, to change me, but it was enough to
reach me."

I bend down, my coat sweeping the ground, and touch the stone one
last time. I never said the words to her while she was alive, but
now that I am leaving, she needs to hear them.

"I loved you."

I straighten up again and walk away. Sunnydale provided me a home
for a long time, but that time is past. There are other places to
be, places more quiet, less painful.

Sleep well, Tara. Your death is sweeter than mine.

End.