Duh hayloo. New fanfic here! This time it's one-sided CraigxStan; something I've never done before! The title of this fanfiction, Telephasic Workshop, is a Boards of Canada song. Go check it out if you haven't already!

Big fat warning: This fanfiction deals with character death, gore, and pretty disturbing thoughts and actions (which all comes later, but the latter does come much sooner than the others). Please leave if you can't stomach this kind of reading material.

Less fat warning: In this fanfiction, all the characters are in their 20s and are all high school teachers. Craig is a math teacher, and Stan is an English teacher. I really hope this doesn't discourage anyone from reading. Please at least give it a shot!

Note: The names of chapters to come are going to be riddles (including this one). Do give them a shot! (and add your answer into your review for extra points!)

Disclaimer: Don't own South Park or Boards of Canada.


Telephasic Workshop

Prologue: null


When Craig was a 8-years old, his putrid chunk of a teacher introduced to the third grade class multiplication for the first time. When she'd ambled down the rows of desks handing out poorly photocopied multiplication tables, Craig had been as neutral to math as every other child in the room. But the moment Craig received his copy, his eyebrows furrowed as if he'd received a blank sheet.

He soon learned that he'd been given such an awful thing because he was supposed to memorize all that was on it. "Bo-oring", Craig mumbled under his breath, and started to engrain the numbers and their relations in his little mind.

In a few days' time, Craig could blurt out the answer to any question on the times table sheet before the teacher could even finish asking the question. There really was nothing to it, Craig had realized, after the process of memorizing it. And then division was introduced in due time, which gave Craig a false hope, as he soon realized it was only multiplication backwards.

Multiplication and division were always excruciatingly repetitive and the same. He always knew the answer, with no work involved whatsoever.

Multiplication and division were boring.


When Craig was 10-years old, his mean old politically correct teacher wrote on the board at the beginning of class a term he was not familiar with: "fractions". When the teacher had merely uttered the words "multiplication" and "division", Craig had nearly screamed. To go through such a hell again would be devastating for the boy.

But then he learned that there were new rules that came with multiplying and dividing fractions, and that was exciting. Simple things such as the concept of crossing-out and making the second fraction its reciprocal to divide, added the element of change. And little Craig enjoyed it so.

Craig liked fractions for the time being, before those became repetitive as well.

The introduction of decimals that followed gave Craig a false hope once again. Decimals were worse than fractions; they were basically multiplying and dividing whole numbers but with a dot that moved around within the thing. It was preposterous to Craig that the education ministry decided to put a 2-year gap in-between the concepts of multiplying and dividing, and multiplying and dividing decimals.

Fractions and decimals were boring.


When Craig was 17-years old, he was tired of irrational simple maths that were the same through and through. Expanding in eighth grade and then factoring in tenth? It was like grades three through to five all over again. The concept of parabolas was unusually fascinating though, but he was irritated that it was only one unit before they returned to factoring again.

When Craig was in the 12th grade, he took calculus and vectors, hoping it'd provide for him somewhat of a challenge. At first glance it was once again just lines and lines of numbers, signs, and variables. He was annoyed until he was taught that this time it meant something beyond just lines of numbers, signs, and variables. They were pictures. It was like the concept of parabolas increased tenfold. It was exciting.

Craig was never ever really good at art, nor did he enjoy really at all, unless it was in comic book form or something that didn't include him doing the drawing. But with calculus and vectors he realized he was the best artist in his class. He could scribble down lines of numbers and variables faster than anybody. He knew how to write the equation of a perfect logarithmic spiral, or a never-once-converging oscillation. They went on for infinity; something you can't physically draw free hand.

Math was art at a godly degree.

But then Craig memorized the formulas for logarithmic spirals, and perfect oscillations, and even the Mandelbrot and Julia sets. He was bored.

Calculus and vectors were boring.