Heya guys! I wrote this thing with a friend who posted it too on AO3 so u can go check her out too there (Castor_loves_Courgette). It's an Avengers crackfic that we hope you'll like. :)

We are sorry for any mistakes you may spot for English is not our first language (we are French). We do our best. Sorry again.

Enjoy and don't forget to leave a review or a like!


Bruce Banner – gammaray

Bucky Barnes - russianintights

Clint Barton – cawcawmfucker

Janet Van Dyne – FashionWasp

Natasha Romanoff – deathinblackleather

Rhodey – WARMACHINEROX

Sam Wilson – REALcawcawmfucker

Tony Stark – RichA$$Bo$$

Steve Rogers – CaptainHandsome


- I -

RichA$$Bo$$ created av3ng3r$

RichA$$Bo$$ has added CaptainHandsome, WARMACHINEROX, deathinblackleather, russiantights, FashionWasp, Clint.B, Sam.W

RichA$$Bo$$ : hello

RichA$$Bo$$ : first things first

RichA$$Bo$$ : Clint and Sam i refuse to talk to u if u don't change ur usernames rn

Clint.B : rude

Sam.W : r u srs rn

RichA$$Bo$$ : i'm sorry who r u ? do i know u ?

Sam.W : asshole

RichA$$Boss : u mean a$$hole

Sam.W : i swear to god

Clint.B : brb

Sam.W : same

FashionWasp : FINALLY

FashionWasp : WE HAVE A GROUP

FashionWasp : why the hell did it take so long tho

RichA$$Bo$$ : bc SOMEONE did not have a skype until YESTERDAY

RichA$$Bo$$ : and by SOMEONE i of course mean our dear and beloved leader STEVE

FashionWasp : Steve is a 90 yo grandpa pass it on

RichA$$Bo$$ : where is he btw ?

WARMACHINEROX : I saw him in detention earlier

WARMACHINEROX : hi guys btw

RichA$$Bo$$ : wtf did he do this time

russianintights : GLAD YOU ASKED

RichA$$Bo$$ : fuck

russianintights : STEVEN FUCKING ROGERS GOT HIMSELF IN A FUCKING FIGHT WITH THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE FROM THE OTHER CLASS

FashionWasp : what ?

deathinblackleather : by « FUCKING ASSHOLE » he means Johann Schmidt

FashionWasp : ooooh thnx

FashionWasp : but who's he ?

deathinblackleather : a fucking asshole

FashionWasp : u don't say

russianintights : STEVE FUCKING PUNCHED THE GUY

russianintights : IN THE FACE

russianintights : AND FURY SAW HIM

RichA$$Bo$$ : man the pirate king really sees a lot for a guy with one eye

WARMACHINEROX : He Sees All

WARMACHINEROX : Fear Him

russianintights : PLFEKOJFIBNDKAIHUZBHJFKA2PIHDZUJZDJIHDFVGBHJZJA2P

deathinblackleather : translation : « Steve is an ass and if he ever does something like that ever again I will throw him in a basement and lock him up forever »

russianintights : I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL DO IT

russianintights : IF THIS WEAK ASS BITCH DOESN'T CHANGE HIS WAY I WILL DO IT

deathinblackleather : it's ok bae

deathinblackleather : i'll hold ur flower go get him

cawcawmfucker : relationship goal

cawcawmfucker : R U SERIOUS CLINT

cawcawmfucker : R U FUCKING SERIOUS

cawcawmfucker : SON OF A BITCH

cawcawmfucker : U'R THE SON OF A BITCH

FashionWasp : what ?

RichA$$Bo$$ : wtf

WARMACHINEROX : i'm lost and confused

REALcawcawmfucker : CLINT STOLE MY SUPER AWESOME USERNAME

cawcawmfucker : I DID NO SUCH THING I AM INNOCENT

FashionWasp : tag urself i'm Rhodey

FashionWasp : #lost&confused

REALcawcawmfucker : ok but to get back to Steve

REALcawcawmfucker : Bucky is Steve ok

cawcawmfucker : and more importantly

cawcawmfucker : Nat is Bucky ok

RichA$$Bo$$ : ^most important question tbh

deathinblackleather : James is currently on his way to get Steve out of detention but he had to punch a wall to calm himself

REALcawcawmfucker : mama Bucky on his way to get her bby

cawcawmfucker : wait a sex

cawcawmfucker : *sex

cawcawmfucker : *seC jfc

deathinblackleather : let's act as if we hadn't seen anything

FashionWasp : too late i screened

cawcawmfucker : who the hell is James

WARMACHINEROX : I'm James

cawcawmfucker : no but i'm talking about the other James

WARMACHINEROX : whaaat

FashionWasp : #lost&confusedpart2

deathinblackleather : James is Bucky

RichA$$Bo$$ : uhm no

RichA$$Bo$$ : Bucky is Bucky

cawcawmfucker : who the fuck is Bucky

cawcawmfucker : who the fuck r u all

cawcawmfucker : who the fuck am i

REALcawcawmfucker : U'R THE ASSHOLE THAT STOLE MY SUPER AWESOME USERNAME

cawcawmfucker : also who the fuck is deathinblackleather

deathinblackleather : i'm Nat

cawcawmfucker : fuck i thought u were Bucky

cawcawmfucker : who i just learnt was James

cawcawmfucker : but not Rhodey James

cawcawmfucker : my head hurts where's coffee

deathinblackleather : Bucky's first name is James

WARMACHINEROX : whaaaaaaat

RichA$$Bo$$ : wtf ?

RichA$$Bo$$ : why do we call him Bucky then ?

RichA$$Bo$$ : we should be calling him Jimmy ?

RichA$$Bo$$ : Jimmy Barnes ?

deathinblackleather : his name full is James Buchanan Barnes

deathinblackleather : Bucky comes from Buchanan

WARMACHINEROX : BUCHANAN IS A NAME ?

FashionWasp : #mindblown

cawcawmfucker : sounds fake but ok

RichA$$Bo$$ : idc his name is now Jimmy

WARMACHINEROX : ok but how did we not know that

REALcawcawmfucker : i did

deathinblackleather : bc i told u

REALcawcawmfucker : true

WARMACHINEROX : but how did U know

RichA$$Bo$$ : Rhodey

RichA$$Bo$$ : do u know who u r talkin to

WARMACHINEROX : oh

WARMACHINEROX : right

deathinblackleather : this morning James Rhodes aged 18 ate a bowl of cornflakes with what little milk he had left in his almost empty fridge and he has to buy new cornflakes bc his taste awful

WARMACHINEROX : waIT DID U BREAK INTO MY ROOM

deathinblackleather : )

WARMACHINEROX : DON'T DO THAT SMILEY

deathinblackleather : )

WARMACHINEROX : GUYS SHE'S BLINKING AT ME WHAT DO I DO WHAT DOES IT MEAN

deathinblackleather : )

WARMACHINEROX : I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP EVER AGAIN

cawcawmfucker : Nat is the #1 of insomnia in the country

cawcawmfucker : i'm still afraid to close my eyes

FashionWasp : that explains the abuse of coffee

REALcawcawmfucker : PREACH

RichA$$Bo$$ : the real question is

RichA$$Bo$$ : WHAT keeps Nat awake at night

deathinblackleather : James

FashionWasp : aaaw

deathinblackleather : also me spying on all of u

FashionWasp : i take it back

cawcawmfucker : if we were in a horror movie Nat would be the only one to survive

REALcawcawmfucker : if we were in a horror movie Nat would be hunting the killer

RichA$$Bo$$ : where's the lie

deathinblackleather : if we were in a horror movie i would BE the killer

cawcawmfucker : …

REALcawcawmfucker : …

RichA$$Bo$$ : …

FashionWasp : …

WARMACHINEROX : i'm never sleeping ever again

CaptainHandsome : Natasha wouldn't kill u in ur sleep

CaptainHandsome : she'd want a fight and a challenge

deathinblackleather : true

FashionWasp : STEVE

RichA$$Bo$$ : Captain Handsome Face and Perfect Teeth !

REALcawcawmfucker : STEVE WTF HAPPENED

REALcawcawmfucker : STEVE R U OK

CaptainHandsome : If by « ok » u mean « still able to run faster than u when we'r jogging » then yes

REALcawcawmfucker : fuck

FashionWasp : but srsl tho what happened Steve ?

FashionWasp : Bucky told us u punched that Schmidt guy

RichA$$Bo$$ : u mean Jimmy

russianintights : call me Jimmy and i'll send Nat to take care of u

RichA$$Bo$$ : …

deathinblackleather : )

RichA$$Bo$$ : Rhodey i'm leaving for the night i'm going back home in Malibu

CaptainHandsome : ok so i was just walking on my way to eat

CaptainHandsome : and then i saw THAT MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH harassing a FRESHMAN

CaptainHandsome : like nailing him to the lockers

CaptainHandsome : and NO ONE was helping EVERYONE WAS WATCHING AND /LAUGHING/

FashionWasp : jfc

CaptainHandsome : so i just had to step in and stop him

russianintights : BY PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE ?

russianintights : REALLY STEVE ?

russianintights : REALLY ?

RichA$$Bo$$ : ok this is a v cool story but am i the only one shocked by Stevie's use of language

cawcawmfucker : same

CaptainHandsome : Clint u literally have « fucker » in ur username

CaptainHandsome : btw why do Clint and Sam have the same username ?

REALcawcawmfucker : CLINT STOLE MINE

cawcawmfucker : let's not go back on the subject

cawcawmfucker : but i did not

REALcawcawmfucer : I WILL SMACK UR FACE

RichA$$Bo$$ : Sam chill and take ur bird seeds

REALcawcawmfucker : …

WARMACHINEROX : Tony. Out.

FashionWasp : am i the only one worried about Steve's health ?

FashionWasp : did Schmidt hit back ?

FashionWasp : r u ok ? will u still be able to play ?

russianintights sent a pic

FashionWasp : UR FACE

FashionWasp : IT'S BLUE

CaptainHandsome : it's only the eye i'm ok

REALcawcawmfucker : wTF

WARMACHINEROX : THIS IS ENORMOUS WTF

cawcawmfucker : meh i had worse tbh

CaptainHandsome : same

RichA$$Bo$$ : the most important is that his perf teeth r all there

russianintights : IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE IF FURY HADN'T ARRIVED

russianintights : HE COULD HAVE /DIED/

WARMACHINEROX : rn't u slightly exagerating

deathinblackleather : Rhodey do u know Schmidt ?

WARMACHINEROX : barely why

deathinblackleather : him and Steve hate themselves

deathinblackleather : since like

deathinblackleather : forever

deathinblackleather : if we were in The Purge Steve would be the first Schmidt would kill

deathinblackleather : and Steve wouldn't even kill him cuz he's so moral and shit

WARMACHINEROX : oh

CaptainHandsome : listen guys

CaptainHandsome : it was just a punch

CaptainHandsome : i'm fine

CaptainHandsome : he is too unfortunately

FashionWasp : « unfortunately »

CaptainHandsome : i only got to break his nose

REALcawcawmfucker : U BROKE HIS NOSE ?!

deathinblackleather : James just screamed « MOTHERFUCKER » and almost fainted

deathinblackleather : i just stopped him from punching the wall again

RichA$$Bo$$ : petition to buy Bucky a punching ball

WARMACHINEROX : what do u mean petition u have enough money to buy him 5000000

RichA$$Bo$$ : true

RichA$$Bo$$ : what if i paid for a whole gym

RichA$$Bo$$ : the Bucky Gym

RichA$$Bo$$ : for angry bfs

FashionWasp : speaking of angry

FashionWasp : where is Bruce ?

RichA$$Bo$$ : …

RichA$$Bo$$ added gammaray

RichA$$Bo$$ : MY SCIENCE BRO

RichA$$Bo$$ : MY FAM

RichA$$Bo$$ : MY SON

gammaray : I'm not ur son wtf

RichA$$Bo$$ : WHO TF FORGOT TO ADD MY SMOL SON ON THE CONVERS

WARMACHINEROX : technically u did

FashionWasp : ooouh snap

FashionWasp : i screened it btw

RichA$$Bo$$ : Janet i thought u were my friend

FashionWasp : oh :) sweetie :)

RichA$$Bo$$ : traitor

RichA$$Bo$$ : no more selfies with u

FashionWasp : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FashionWasp : TONY U'R THE MOST PHOTOGENIC OF MY FRIENDS

FashionWasp : U CAN'T DO THAT TO ME

gammaray : uhm what is happening

gammaray : where am i

cawcawmfucker : in hell

cawcawmfucker : welcome

cawcawmfucker : u'll get ur membership card soon don't worry

gammaray : aw thnx

gammaray : what am i doin here

RichA$$Bo$$ : don't get mad

RichA$$Bo$$ : i forgot to add u

RichA$$Bo$$ : ily it was an honest mistake

RichA$$Bo$$ : and then Steve punched a guy and we totally forgot

gammaray : it's ok

RichA$$Bo$$ : ily

gammaray : i know

RichA$$Bo$$ : ilyvm

gammaray : i know it's ok

REALcawcawmfucker : get a room jc

RichA$$Bo$$ : :*

REALcawcawmfucker : omg

RichA$$Bo$$ : :* this on is for u Sam

REALcawcawmfucker : stay away from me

gammaray : ok so it's sweet u added me

gammaray : but i got work so

gammaray : bye

gammaray has disconnected

WARMACHINEROX : same tbh

RichA$$Bo$$ : noooooo Rhodey staaaaaaay

WARMACHINEROX : Tony i'm literally on the bed behind u

RichA$$Bo$$ : Rhodeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey

FashionWasp : true friendship

WARMACHINEROX has disconnected

RichA$$Bo$$ : :'( :'( :'(

FashionWasp : Tony don't u have work to do

RichA$$Bo$$ : yes

RichA$$Bo$$ : i do

RichA$$Bo$$ : but it's too early to do it rn

REALcawcawmfucker : r u serious rn

RichA$$Bo$$ : i only work at night

RichA$$Bo$$ : i'm like Batman

RichA$$Bo$$ : i'm a creature of the night and super rich

FashionWasp : how many cup of coffees did u have

RichA$$Bo$$ : currently ?

RichA$$Bo$$ : 2

RichA$$Bo$$ : i'm drinking the 3rd

REALcawcawmfucker : dear lord

cawcawmfucker : aw friend

cawcawmfucker : #teamcoffee

REALcawcawmfucker : more like #teamdeathisnear

FashionWasp : i think we're all part of that team tbh

REALcawcawmfucker : true

REALcawcawmfucker : hey where r Nat Bucky and Steve ?

cawcawmfucker : idk

FashionWasp : Nat still hasn't come back i think she's still with Bucky & Steve

deathinblackleather : i'm omw home

FashionWasp : FINALLY

deathinblackleather : Steve fell asleep

REALcawcawmfucker : aw

deathinblackleather : and Bucky was in the shower when i left

deathinblackleather : Clint stop the coffee

cawcawmfucker : but mooooooom

deathinblackleather : it's an order

cawcawmfucker : :'(

REALcawcawmfucker : aha suck it

deathinblackleather : Sam don't u have a test tomorrow

REALcawcawmfucker : don't u

deathinblackleather : i already know my lesson

REALcawcawmfucker : who says i don't

deathinblackleather : how does Lolita by Nabokov end

REALcawcawmfucker : …

REALcawcawmfucker has disconnected

cawcawmfucker : ahahahahahahahahahahaha

cawcawmfucker : wait

cawcawmfucker : i'm in his class

cawcawmfucker : i too have that test

cawcawmfucker has disconnected

FashionWasp : this was beautiful

FashionWasp : ok Nat is here bye guys

FashionWasp : by guys i mean Tony since u'r the only one left

RichA$$Bo$$ : bye

FashionWasp has disconnected

deathinblackleather has disconnected

RichA$$Bo$$ : #foreveralone2k16

RichA$$Bo$$ : #richaftho

CaptainHandsome : money doesn't buy friends

RichA$$Bo$$ : weren't u sleeping

CaptainHandsome : i woke up to the sound of ur loneliness

RichA$$Bo$$ : aw

CaptainHandsome : but i'm dead tired i'm leaving again

RichA$$Bo$$ nooo :'(

CaptainHandsome has disconnected

russianintights has disconnected

RichA$$Bo$$ : hello darkness my old friend


Hope you liked! Luv luv keur keur bises