Sephiroth was bored sitting around in the afterlife, and frankly he was mad.
Apparently when you die and return to the Lifestream, you merge with it and gain all the knowledge and memories of those who passed before you. However you still retain a sense of "you" and that all those other memories are "them".
So he was quite pissed that he had to die in order to learn that people usually grow up with their families and not in a lab run by a psycho scientist. That normally kids play games and sports, and laugh, and run around, and watch tv, and make mischief, and a million other things. They don't get poked with needles every day (multiple times if the psycho was in a bad mood, multiple multiple times if he was in a good one) or hooked up to machines measuring his brain activity, his muscle activity, how much he could lift, how fast he could run, how quick were his reflexes, etc, etc, etc
While he was living, Sephiroth knew others who spoke of family, but he'd always assumed that even if they lived with their kin that a lab was nearby for their psycho to handle them.
But no, Seph was alone in his lab-run childhood. Even Angeal and Genesis, his genetically altered brethren, had grown up with family and playtime and all those childish things.
Seph had Hojo. Whoop-de-fucking-doo
"Heiya, buddy!" came the cheerful voice of Zack. "Why so glum?"
Seph kinda wanted to punch him. Unfortunately, lacking a physical form meant he had no fist and Zack had no face, so instead he sulked some more and ignored the younger man.
"Come OOOoooon," Zack singsonged as he brushed around Seph. "You know I won't leave until you answer me."
Seph huffed and sent Zack a crackle of energy to push him away.
Zack crackled back (the Lifestream equivalent of blowing a raspberry) and began flitting and bouncing around Seph. "Sephy-Seph! SephSephSeph! SEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeph!"
Seph crackled again then hunched back into himself. "W'naply," he muttered dejectedly.
Zack stopped flitting. "What was that?"
"I WANNA PLAY!" Sephiroth wailed with enough anger, frustration, and sadness to send Zack skittering off much more effectively than an energy crackle.
But Zack didn't go far. When you died, you got the memories of the Lifestream, but the Lifestream got your memories in return.
He sidled back up to Seph, brushing against him in a comforting way. Sephiroth shrugged him off in a token resistance, but didn't complain when Zack brushed him again.
"I want to play," he said. "I want to catch a ball and ride a bike and get sunburned on a fishing trip." He turned to the slip of energy that was Zack. "I want a normal life, Zack. I've always wanted a normal life. In fact that's what I thought I had until Jenova came into the picture, and then I thought following her would get me a normal life." He laughed without humor. "I had to die before I even found out what 'normal' was"
Zack nuzzled and shifted around Seph. It was as close to a hug as he could manage.
"Well then," Zack said after a time, "we'll just have to do something about all of this, won't we?"
"Are you sure about this, Zack?" Sephiroth was dubious about the "normal" of being crammed in a testicle with a few million sperm. "I'm not even related to him."
"Relax, Sephykins. All we gotta do is win this little race, and you get a new familya real family."
Zack was crammed in beside him. He had come up with the brilliant idea of reincarnation. Just zoom into some random scrotum and focus yourself into a physical form - boom, you're a sperm. Of course instead of a random person, Zack had chosen his old friend and Seph's old enemy, Cloud.
Sephiroth had his reservations about Zack's choice. Then Zack had pointed out that Cloud was once in Hojo's clutches and would probably rather gut a doctor than let one just randomly poke his kid with needles. That alone made Cloud an okay dad by Seph's reckoning.
Sephiroth reached across and smacked Zack with his tail. "Don't call me 'Sephykins'."
"Ow! Okay okay. Ease off the whip action, will ya."
Zack and Seph pushed their way towards the front of the group and waited.
"This is it! You ready?"
"I was ready the last two times, Zack!"
It turned out that with reincarnation, like many other activities, timing was everything.
Their first attempt had failed because Cloud was simply masturbating. Seph, Zack, and their millions of potential siblings had gone down the shower drain and back to the Lifestream.
The second try ended up going down his wife's throat.
This time they had waited until they were sure of his sexual position before joining the party.
"He's taking his sweet time," Zack groused.
"Hmph," was the only reply Sephiroth could think of. Actually, he was trying to not think of anything right now. The concept of "Cloud having sex" had never really occurred to him. Now it was coupled with the idea of "My parents are having sex", and Seph was happy he didn't have a digestive system yet.
Eventually they heard the telltale moans of a satisfied woman. They didn't have to wait long for Cloud's release.
"Woohoooo!" Zack shouted as he surfed the current of the ejaculation.
"Zack, watch out!" Sephiroth managed to turn to avoid a head-on collision.
Zack stared at the barrier. "A condom!? Cloud, you idiot! We're trying to accomplish something here!" he railed, then slumped in defeat. "Back to the Lifestream, I guess."
"No." Sephiroth put himself headfirst into the latex and whipped his tail for all he was worth. He may not call Jenova his mother anymore, but he still had the benefit of her genes. Quickly he broke through, and the rest followed his lead.
"Go, Sephy!" Zack whooped as they swam through the womb. "Uh-ohWhich way now?"
The sperm began splitting off to head for the fallopian tubes.
"You take the right. I'll go left."
Zack bumped him affectionately. "Good luck!"
They both sped off easily gaining distance on the others.
Cloud shuddered with the last remnants of his orgasm. He rolled away from Tifa to enjoy the afterglow of their lovemaking.
She turned to him and nuzzled into his shoulder. She reached down to remove the condom (and hopefully tease her husband into using another one). As she pulled it off, she saw the white stickiness on it and a tiny hole in the middle.
"Uh, Cloud"
Sephiroth settled comfortably into the blood-rich lining of his mother's womb. He was a happy little zygote and already up to a few hundred cells.
Now in the lining, he was a little happier to be getting a regular food supply for his stay.
"Yo, bro!" came an unexpected voice.
"Zack?!"
"Yep. Looks like fraternal twins runs in Tifa's family." Zack floated lazily into the womb's lining and settled in. "Ahlife is good."
"Pizza!"
"Asparagus!"
"PIZZA!"
"ASPARAGUS!"
"You like the nastiest stuff, Seph." Zack shook his not-quite-formed head at his brother.
"At least I have our health in mind. You can't even taste your precious pizza. Why do you insist on Tifa eating it?"
"'Mom', Seph. She's our mom. And it's the principle of the thing."
Sephiroth rolled his teeny eyes at Zack.
Zack fell back to his favorite activity of turning around and mooning Seph.
"Baby, it's 3am. I don't think any pizza places are open."
"You can go to the 24 hour grocery store and get a frozen pizza. You need to go there for the asparagus anyway."
Cloud looked into the pleading eyes of his beloved and knew he'd be in deep shit if he refused her.
"All right. Call me if you think of anything else."
Tifa kissed him lovingly as he put on his coat.
She called several times that night, and Cloud ended up filling his bike's compartments with pizza, asparagus, chocolate, pickles, crackers (regular and unsalted), and as much grape soda as he could cram in or strap on top.
"Whoah! What the.!"
Zack found himself suddenly squished.
"I think it's a contraction," Sephiroth concluded as they were released.
Zack huffed. "A real one this time, or more false alarms?"
"Well if you're in such a rush, we'll make it real." He kicked hard, forcing himself towards the exit.
"Hell yeah!" Zack followed suit and kicked enthusiastically. "I can't wait to see the look on Cloud's face when he sees us!"
Another kick tore Zack's placenta.
"My water just broke! Get your ass home NOW!!" click You have no new messa--
Cloud snapped his phone shut, gunned Fenrir to life, and turned back to Edge.
"Seph! I think I'm stuck!"
"You're not stuck, dipweed."
The top of Zack's head was against the birth canal, but it wasn't dilated enough for his passage.
"You just have to wait this out."
"Wait it out?! This is all your fault! It was your dumb idea in the first place!" He pointed at Seph accusingly.
Seph was unphased. "Actually my idea was to sit around the Lifestream and sulk for eternity. Reincarnation was your idea, genius." He smiled wickedly. "I must say I'm enjoying myself immensely. Thank you."
Unable to turn around and moon him, Zack settled for flipping him off.
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!" Tifa screamed as Cloud entered the hospital room.
Knowing any other response would get him killed, Cloud simply smiled lovingly at her and took her hand. "Yes, dear."
He held her, soothed her, coached her. Then the doctor announced that the first one was coming. Cloud saw a dark head emerge.
The doctor eased the rest of the little body out. "It's a boy," he announced and was promptly peed on and screamed at. The nurses finished cleaning him up and passed him to his parents.
Cloud laughed when he saw his son. He had Tifa's dark hair, but now dry, it stood out in whispy spikes like his father.
Then he opened up bright Mako-blue eyes and gazed at his dad. He opened his mouth to scold his parents for the long wait and rough handling, but only managed a belch.
"Nice to meet you tooZack."
The first stirrings of trepidation came as he watched Zack's feet disappear down the tunnel. Sephiroth was alone now and he didn't like it one bit.
He quickly kicked and tore through his own placenta to get out. Timing his movements with the contractions, he made his way down.
The first thing to greet him was a pair of hands. Dad? Is this my dad?
More hands flew over him, cleaning him off. Something was jammed into his mouth to suck out the amniotic fluids.
Dad! I don't like this! Make them stop! DADDY!
Seph cracked open his eyes and found himself looking at a man in a white coat and face mask.
You're not my dad! You're a doctor!
Sephiroth wailed in fear as they cut his umbilical cord and bundled him up.
A nurse took him and started walking. Where were they going to take him? Where were his parents? Where was Zack?!
He wailed harder and kicked as he was passed off to another person.
Cloud looked down at his second son and softly crooned reassuring things to him. He had the palest blond hair andgreen cat-eyes? Cloud blinked at that, and inwardly he cursed Shinra and Hojo for their genetic meddling.
Outwardly, he smiled at his son and held him so his mother could see him. "WellI named Zack. What'll we name this one?"
Tifa cuddled her second baby until he stopped fussing. "Seamusafter my father."
Cloud nodded, and they cooed over him a bit longer. Then the nurse took him for a proper cleaning, weighing, and measuring before taking him to the viewing room to be with his brother while his mother got some rest.
All of AVALANCHE was assembled to see the twin children of Cloud and Tifa Strife.
"Is that them?! Are they here yet?"
Several annoyed glances went her way, but Yuffie ignored them easily. She pressed her face into the glass.
A nurse came in and placed a second blue bundle into the cradle labeled "Strife".
"Booyah! Spikey is da man!" Barrett boomed.
Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like having a daughter is a waste of good sperm or something."
"#& OF COURSE NOT!" The nurse shot him a dirty look. "Of course not," he said in a lower voice. "I have a daughter you know."
"Yeah, yeahHow long do they have to stay in there?"
"The doctors are running blood tests on them now," Vincent supplied. "When they've cleared Tifa and the children as being in good health, they'll take them back to Tifa's room. Once Tifa has rested, they can all go home."
Yuffie nodded. Everyone was quiet as they gazed at the new Striflings.
"Is it just me, or does that one look like Sephiroth?"
Zack sniggered as they brought Seph into the viewing room.
Heiya, Seamus!
Fucking bite me,
Seph groused.The next day, Seph found himself being held and rocked by his mother while he suckled his supper and she sang a soft melody to him.
Nearby, Cloud was burping an already-fed Zack and waiting for him to close his eyes to put him down for bedtime.
Hey, Zack
Seph thought sleepily.Yeah, bro?
This family stuff is pretty nice.
Zack yawned and stuck a thumb in his mouth. It sure is he replied before finally nodding off.
