IT'S BEEN DONE TO DEATH…SO LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

AVALON Couples Summarized in 10 Steps Or Less!

Note: This fic is not supposed to mock any of these pairings…just poke some harmless fun at them. Especially not the alternate pairings, which we had a good deal of fun with in particular... But if you like any of these pairings and/or are offended by the fic, please raise your hands over your head and run screaming to the nearest shoe store. Once you get there, ask them to make you a cheeseburger. (This will not help, but we think it will be funny.)

Disclaimer: We do not own AVALON: Web of Magic. That belongs to the highly-esteemed Rachel Roberts…who we wish we were. (sobs) Leave us in our shame…


ADRIANE/ZACH:

(1) Adriane: Oh, you're weird and moody. Plus, I'm the badass of the series. Beat it.

(2) Zach: Since you're the first human, much less FEMALE human I've ever seen, I'll proceed to fall head-over-heels in love with you. Okay?

(3) Adriane: Well, this COULD help show a more sensitive, feminine side of myself to the readers, but I dunno…

(4) Zach: Well what if I follow you all over the place and save your ass numerous times?

(5) Adriane: Okay, deal. Plus, since we're both bonded to the Drake, however the heck that happened, I now have inexplicably romantic feelings for you. And it's better than getting paired up with Joey.

(6) Zach: I'm the only one who could keep up with you anyways. (sexy grin)

(7) Both: (make out)

KARA/LORREN:

(1) Lorren: Hello, Princess. (deep bow)

(2) Kara: You're cute, but my friend's gonna melt like Haagen Dazs in July. Later.

(3) Lorren: Well, what if I pull a Zach and follow you around saving your ass every couple of chapters?

(4) Kara: That'd be nice. Too bad I'm oblivious to my own romantic affairs.

(5) Lorren: It's pretty obvious we're going to be together since I'm a prince and you're the impossibly-inexplicably-innaccurate descendant of a famous fairy queen, somehow making you a princess.

(6) Kara: True.

(7) Both: (hug)

(8) Lorren: I don't suppose I'm ever getting any, am I?

(9) Kara: You're funny. (pats head) When you've been in more than one book, then we'll talk.

EMILY/KYLE:

(1) Emily: How on Earth did they come up with this pairing?

(2) Kyle: No clue. Aren't you my little sister's friend?

(3) Emily: And don't you always make fun of me?

(4) Kyle: Well, by now everybody knows it's just lighthearted fun. And I'm too cute for you to hate.

(5) Emily: Point. And we ARE a fan favorite when they're not pairing me up with Ozzie. Ew.

(6) Kyle: YAY!

(7) Both: (make out)

EMILY/OZZIE:

(1) Ozzie: (becomes an elf. Again.)

(2) Emily: Oh, Ozzie, now that you have done some-random-service-for-the-fairimentals-that-probably-involved-helping-us-defeat-the-Spider-Witch-and-the-Dark-Sorceress-and-saving-Avalon-so-they-rewarded-you-with-turning-you-back-into-an-elf, now we can finally realize our LOVE!

(3) Ozzie: Yep! And nobody even cares that I'm an entirely different race and I'm at LEAST two feet shorter than you and the readers fear for what our kids will look like!

(4) Both: (proceed to pursue a very chaste relationship to avoid overshadowing more interesting couples such as Adriane and Zach)

EMILY/ZACH:

(1) Zach: Adriane, I love you!

(2) Adriane: (dies tragically in the Final Battle®. People wonder if this event and Zach's previous declaration are in any way related.)

(3) Zach: Oh, CENSORED! (sobs)

(4) Emily: Here, cry in my arms, you poor, poor thing! (proceeds to give a heatfelt and lengthy speech about how Adriane loved them all but died for a good cause, and how everybody has to kick the bucket eventually. Zach is consoled. Readers are moved. Kleenex boxes are emptied. The authoress is very very smug.)

(5) Zach: (sniffle) Okay, I feel better now. But I'm going to be very angsty because virtually everybody I love has been killed off, half the cast died in the Final Battle® anyways, depending on the author's individual character preferences, leaving us pretty much alone.

(6) Emily: Well, since Kyle/Ozzie is either dead or the authoress is in denial about our relationship(s), maybe we should fall slowly and depressingly in love with eachother.

(7) Zach: That sounds about right.

(8) Both: (hug)

ADRIANE/JOEY:

(1) Zach: (dies…somehow. Probably in the Final Battle®, but he HAS been otherwise murdered several times, so who knows?)

(2) Adriane: (sobs) This sucks! First Storm, now Zach! Everybody leaves me, I'm so alone, my life is worthless, angst, whine, bitch, and other depressing sentiments, ETC!

(3) Joey: (steps out of the closet reserved for almost-nonexistant characters) Hey, there's always me! I've had a barely-acknowledged crush on you forever, I'm cute, available, and in virtually no danger of dying!

(4) Adriane: (has already killed self dramatically and is causing a traffic jam on the Spirit Trail making out with Zach)

(5) Joey: Shit. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. (stomps offstage)

KARA/MARCUS:

(1) Lorren: (dies tragically/heroically in the Final Battle®. The readers are suspiciously beginning to see a trend.)

(2) Kara: Oh no, Lorren! (mutters) Aww, man! I'm the prettiest, most popular girl in the entire series, and now I have no boyfriend! Adriane and Emily are never gonna let me live this down…they've each got two guys falling all over them! Hmm, I wonder if they'd loan me one…

(3) Marcus: (ALSO steps out of Closet-Specially-Reserved-For-Minor-Characters) Hey, didn't you have a crush on ME?

(4) Kara: Oh yeah? When?

(5) Marcus: Emily mentioned it in Book 4. (points)

(6)You sure this isn't just an excuse to get more attention for yourself? You ARE an almost-nonexistant character, after all.

(7) Marcus: Of course not! (crosses fingers)

(8) Kara: Well all right then! n.n

(9) Both: (Make out)

KARA/EMILY:

(1) Emily: Oh my gosh, everybody has either shacked up or gone back to Aldenmor (WHAT is the fascination with that place!) or died tragically in the Final Battle®, leaving us all alone!

(2) Kara: Logically, the only thing to do is to completely ignore all other guys on Earth who might like us and fall completely in love with eachother! Oh, Emily, I love you!

(3) Emily: Oh, Kara, I love you too!

(4) Both: (make out)

(5) Readers: EWWW! (either click the "back" button, the "x" button, or don't make it in time and throw up all over their monitors)

EMILY/ADRIANE:

(1) All other characters have either been sealed back into their own world(s) or have died tragically in…you guessed it…the Final Battle®. Except for Kara who, if not dead, is probably off ruling the Fairy-Goblin Realms with an iron fist. How happy.

(2) Adriane: All our friends have left us here on Earth with nothing but memories of the Good Old Days! (sob, angst, etc.)

(3) Emily: Don't cry, Adriane! I have to tell you now…I…I LOVE YOU!

(4) Adriane: Oh my gosh Emily, because of the twisted way this fanfic works…suddenly I LOVE YOU TOO!

(5) Both: (make out)

(6) The Readers: (violently demand a map to the authoress's house and a detailed list of her greatest fears and any home security systems she may have)

EMILY/KARA/ADRIANE:

(1) Mmm...threesome...

(2) The Authoress: (is brutally slughtered by a lynch mob of Adriane/Zach, Emily/Kyle, Kara/Lorren, Emily/Ozzie, Adriane/Joey, Zach/Emily, and Kara/Marcus fans. The fans justify their actions with the phrase "She was asking for it!".)


(A/N:) (That "threesome" thing goes out to j00, Jadey.) Any more ideas?Anybody I missed?Because I'd love to make fun of them, too! n.n Review now, m'kay? All flames will be fed to the Drake! (blows kisses) Ta-ta!