It's a weird feeling. The feeling like you're going crazy. But the feeling of losing control is maybe even worse.. You try hard to grasp that control. But it seems just out of reach.

It all started back in 2011. The day the nogitsune that was possessing me was expelled. At first it was me realizing I killed Alison. And Aiden.

People tell me it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help it, but I could have if I was stronger. So instead of spiraling into a world of depression and avoidance (avoidance is definitely happening right now though) I decide I'm going to get something I didn't have when I was possessed.

Control.

~control~

People always take control for granted. You don't realize you have until it's gone.

When I was possessed the nogitsune kept telling me these thing about me. It's strange. Not knowing something about yourself that a strange evil creature possessing you can tell. Well apparently I have a spark. A spark is basically, well a spark of magic that if you learn to control you can be quite powerful.

Control.

There's that word again.

So I want to learn to control it.. So I go to the nearest emissary. Deaton.

So Deaton is a very cryptic person. I don't want everyone to know about this so I ask him to keep it on the DL. I walk into his animal clinic when I know Scott's not gonna be there.

"Deaton? You back there?" I call out as I walk through the door.

"Why hello Stiles, Scott's not supposed to be here for 30 minutes."

"I know... I came to talk to you."

"What can I help you with?"

"Well uh so can you do me a favor and keep this... You know... Between us?"

"Of course"

"Well the thing is... You know how I was possessed... Okay stupid way to start... When I was possessed the nogitsune told me stuff. Stuff I didn't know about myself. And you being an emissary thought maybe you could help me in this certain situation... It told me I had a spark and... Well I wanna well learn to control it."

At this point Deaton was nodding and thinking and was lost in his own thoughts.

"Well?!"

"Oh yes, well I've had a feeling for quite sometime that you weren't well... 'Strictly human'. Basically Stiles you're well part witch. I don't know what you're specialties are bit there is a range of things. I will help you to the best of my abilities and keep it between us as you wish. But my knowledge on witchcraft is limited. I do know a witch in New Orleans who is legit and would be willing to help"

"That would be great just uh text me the info and I'll talk to my dad... Scott should be here soon just... Don't tell him... And... thanks I appreciate it"

"Anytime Stiles"

As I walked out to my jeep I saw Scott turning around the corner. And well I was avoiding so what's one more time. So I quickly pulled out and away before he could stop to ask me any questions.

~Control~

I had many missed calls and text when I checked my phone later. I didn't answer so I just decides to lay down for a mid afternoon nap.

And well not even 5 minutes of me falling asleep my window opens and who other than Derek climbs in.

" Derek"

"Stiles"

There is a long awkward pause and I'm tired so I decide to just tell him straight out.

"I'm tired and if you're going to say something say it or leave so I can sleep"

I didn't hear him for a while so I decide to go back to sleep. But as I roll I see him sitting at my desk trying to get into my laptop.

"What the HELL are you doing".

"Trying to figure out your password."

He gave me this 'duh' look.

"I can see that but why?"

" 'cause I need to look up something"

"Why don't you use yours?"

He's quite for a second before I sigh, get up and type in my password.

"Now what?"

" You can go back to bed now."

"No chance in hell"

Basically lately I'm just research guy. I've been feeling like I'm useless to the pack. They never need me. I just cause trouble like the nogitsune. I killed Alison. And Aiden and I don't think I will ever forgive myself.

They should have just killed me when they had the chance.

Derek looks at me full of concern, which is weird for someone who's not really pack.

"Do you really think that?"

Shit... Did I say that out loud.

"Think what?"

"Don't play dumb, I can tell when you're lying"

Ever since the nogitsune I can lie to them. I just choose not to tell them. So I decide to ignore him the best I can... Nobody really knows what it was like. I told everyone I don't remember what I did. Made it easier on everyone... Well everyone but me... But that's okay. But I DO remember. The way the blade was pushed deeper into Scott turning it to make him feel pain. Knowing it was caused by me. The feeling of the hospital incident hurting all those innocent people. Even... No I'm not thinking about that. I told myself I wouldn't think about it. Because if I do I can't control my reaction. So I push that thought out of my mind and go back to the present. I really gotta stop zoning out. People will start to notice.

I look at Derek and I realize that he's still looking at me. So I decide to just lighten the mood. I mean before all this I was the sarcastic funny person. Now I'm just a shell. So I try to play it off cool hoping my new lying ability will help.

"No! Of course not! I just... I don't know. I feel ugh! Why do you even care?! You've never given a shit about me before why now?!"

He just growls and jumps out the window.

I just sigh and go back to bed.

~Control~

DEREK POV

I decide to go see Stiles. He seems kind of out of it lately. So maybe I'll talk to him. I jump up through the window, and I realize he's in bed. He looks over when I come in.

"Derek"

"Stiles"

I look at him. Like really look at him. Tired is the first word that come to mind. Then defeated. He looks like he's lost a battle... And in a way I guess he has. I mean everything with-

He cuts of my thoughts when he starts to speak.

"I'm tired so if you're gonna say something say it or leave so I can sleep"

I gotta stop getting distracted by him it's just horrible, the way I... No I can't think of that I don't need to make this more akward. So I decide to go on his computer he looks like he's going back to sleep so I just sit down trying to figure out his password. I try werewolf, Stiles, 1234. I don't know it and I hear Stiles roll over and say

"What the HELL are you doing?"

"Trying to figure out your password."

I give this look.

" I can see that but why?"

"Cause I need to look something up."

"Why don't you use yours?"

I decide not to answer to tell him why I'm really here so I just look at him. He sighs gets up and types in 'something but I can't make it out.

"Now what?"

" you can go back to bed now."

"No chance in hell"

Open to browser not really sure what I am looking for. There hasn't been a threat, thank god, since the nogitsune. "they should've killed me when they had the chance."

I couldn't believe he said that. Before anything I ask without really realizing it

"Do you really think that?"

He gets this look if like pure panic. And then I realize he didn't mean to say that.

"Think what?"

"Don't play dumb I can tell when you're lying."

He just standing there really deep in thought. All I can think is. Does he still wanna die.

He looks back at me.

"No! Of course not! I just... I don't know. I feel like. Ugh! Why do you even care?! You've never given a shit about me before why now!"

I just growl and leave.

My thought all the way home was my concern for Stiles and me having to do something about it.