Author's Note: Okay, so… this is going to be a very angsty fanfic, so I'm putting that out there now. Consider this my entry into the Summer 2014 Ficathon.

I recently lost someone very close to me… and I don't tell you that to get you to read or anything like that, but this fic is really about the process of losing someone. However, at the same time, it is going to have that Caskett element in an unusual way. I hope that you enjoy it. If you do choose to read, review if you would like… but please don't be harsh in your comments. Some people come to this site and just read and that's cool, but understand that the writers have feelings. I have recently received some reviews in another fandom that were very rude because of a character death and saying that it was drama for drama's sake…. Here's the deal… character death is something that drives others towards emotions and actions that wouldn't happen without the traumatic event… so I'm not doing it to just kill someone off… it's to explore a different side of something or someone else….

Anyways, rant over… and enjoy!

It's just a day before they knew for sure that Castle wasn't in the car. The heat of the fire was too great for them to find anything without a forensics team present, so they waited. A day of pins and needles that Kate didn't ever want to repeat. She knew though… she had this feeling that he wasn't gone… he couldn't be gone when she had this tremble in her gut that told her to keep looking.

When they get the news, they are standing in the kitchen of the house in the Hamptons, Kate's phone on speaker. He wasn't in the car… Strangely, it doesn't make her feel much better than she did yesterday.

Yesterday, she stood before the burning car that once belonged to her fiancé. She felt the heat from the flames as she realized that she might not get the ending they so desired.

Today, they found out that he's out there somewhere… Someone caused this… She instantly flips that switch inside her, causing her to switch into detective mode.

Now they search.

"Alexis… I'll find him… you know that. I know that he's still out there and I… I need him back… I'll find him." She says to the scared girl who had heard the results along with Kate and her Grandmother.

"Go… go find him, Katherine." Martha says, placing her hand on Alexis' shoulder and watching as Kate turns back towards the task at hand.

"Kate, wait!" Alexis says, running toward the older woman and wrapping her arms around her, "I need him too… and I… Just find him, Kate… please…"

Kate pulls back to look into the eyes of the younger Castle and places a kiss on the crown of her head before walking away.

"Katherine?"

"Yes?" she turns back, as Martha steps toward her.

"You find him, but you take care of yourself. You are no good to Richard if you don't sleep and eat… he used to tell me about all those times that cases got rough… and I think that he would hate me if I didn't say that you need to make sure to take care of you."

Kate smiles at the older woman's concern, knowing that Castle would have done the same, knowing how this case would consume her even more than others had in the past. "Martha, I'll be fine."


She wasn't fine… she was exhausted and she ached all over from fatigue. Her body was giving up on her long before her mind was ready to give in for another evening.

The only evidence they had was the black paint of a 2013 model SUV rubbed off on the left side of the vehicle. It was enough that told them he was encouraged but not forced off the road. It wasn't what made the car plummet into the ditch and catch on fire, which leads them all to believe it was planted there. A common accelerant was used to set the car afire… something that was so common that it was virtually untraceable back to who did this. Whoever did this knew who he was doing it to, they knew that the crash would be investigated, and they didn't care.

It's almost a week later, no leads to direct them beyond a few shreds of evidence and all of their theories weren't panning out the way they anticipated… Kate smiles at that thought for a moment realizing that the reason why their theories weren't panning out was because Castle himself wasn't spouting them. The same thought then causes her to have a moment… interrupted by phone vibrating on her desk.

"Kate, you need to come home. You need to sleep and maybe eat something for a change." She hears after accepting the call and bringing the phone to her ear.

"Alexis, I can't leave…"

"Kate…. I just… I get it. I get what you're doing and I am all for you searching for dad… but Gram isn't doing too well right now and I…. Kate, I need you."

When she hears that broken voice on the phone she knows that Castle would want her to go there… to comfort Alexis. In the few conversations she had with the younger woman, she had found that Martha had taken a turn for the worse once they got back home. She wouldn't talk to Alexis and was spending the majority of her time locked up in the room she occupied on a regular basis, coming down for a new bottle of wine every afternoon and evening. She simply hadn't taken the same advice she had given her about letting everything consume her. It was her child, and Kate understood that, but she also knew that they needed to get Martha out of this before it was too late. She had been through this with her father after her mom died… she knew how bad it could get.

Kate once again stared at the papers that have been in front of her all week. She had looked at them every which way she could with no different results. The guys are doing everything they can, and there really was nowhere to go with what they had. It wasn't helping anyone for her to be here right now anyways… she was exhausted, felt something coming on, and knew that her brain hadn't had a chance to catch up with what her heart was feeling in the chaos of everything.

"I'll be right there." She finally says, letting out a sigh and resting her head in her hand on her desk.

"Good, I'll have something ready to eat when you get here."

With that, she hangs up and sits for a moment. She wipes at her eyes, trying to muster up the energy to stand up and make way to the elevator. Espo is the first to approach her.

"Did I hear you say you were going home?"

"Alexis called… Martha isn't doing too well, and she needs someone there."

"And you haven't been sleeping well or eating much more than a few bites of takeout here or there." She hears the accusing tone of Ryan behind her. "Castle would be mad at us for not taking care of you, and he'd be mad at you for not taking care of yourself. We'll keep searching for something else, we'll keep looking."

"I know… guys, I'm going." She says, with more irritation than the reply deserved.

They watch her with concerned faces.

"We've got to talk to her about this…" Ryan says, watching her walk over to the elevator.

"Why did you even bring him up?" Espo says, annoyed at his partner.

"I brought him up because it seems like he's always been a part of this. And you know that was a good way to guilt her into going home to rest."

Espo thinks for a moment, "We aren't going to find him any time soon. We need to be honest with her."

"I can't do it." Ryan says with a few shakes of his head.

"Oh, I see, You don't want to be the one to tell her that we are done examining all leads to 3XK, any of Simmons' people, and Bracken? You don't want to tell her we have nothing more to go on? We need to tell her!" Espo replies in an accusing tone.

"Javi… she knows."

"Yeah, she knows, but she's still showing up… hell she isn't leaving… Something's gotta give, bro. We've gotta find something."

If they were being honest, the more they searched, the more they were realizing that they might not find him at all. Even worse, they were worried about what would happen if he was found.


"Hey." She calls out, entering the loft and putting her bag down.

"Kate…" Alexis says, turning from her spot in the kitchen and moving to wrap her arms around the older woman.

The gesture was a welcome distraction from walking into the loft and realizing that Castle wasn't there… again. She had only been to the loft once since the Hamptons. She couldn't do it… couldn't see everything that reminded her of him… couldn't think about the number of times they had walked through that door together.

"I'm sorry, Alexis… I'm so sorry… I just…" Kate says, pulling her tighter against her and running a hand through the girl's hair.

"No…. I get it. I'm sorry that I'm taking you away from it, but I just can't do this alone anymore." She says, pulling back with tears in her eyes.

"How's Martha?"

"I don't even know. She's eating because I've been bringing trays up for her when I eat and they come back somewhat empty. I've taken to staying in my room as much as she is just so I can avoid the fact that I'm here basically by myself."

"Alexis… I'm sorry… God your dad would be so mad at the way I haven't been here for you…and letting Martha…"

"Kate, you're trying to find him, and you know that if this was a big case, dad would be down there with you until all hours… usually bringing you food and forcing you to sleep. That's how it was after your shooting… he was there constantly…wouldn't come home for anything." Alexis says, not letting Kate blame herself for this.

That nearly breaks her, but she allows herself to recover quickly. Kate looks into her eyes, seeing the fear and the tiredness that must match her own before replying, "Food and sleep sound good to me right now."

"Food is ready and the bed is already turned down." Alexis says with a smile, which Kate interprets as Alexis' coping mechanism. She does for others and with Martha being MIA, getting to help Kate helps her.

They eat quietly, Kate not realizing just how hungry she was until she sat down at the small pasta dinner the younger Castle made.

"Thank you, Alexis."

"No problem. You know, you should probably take a shower or something before you hit the bed."

"Is that your nice way of telling me I smell?" she replies, quirking an eyebrow much in the same way she would have done to the girl's father.

"Maybe."

"Noted. I took a shower a few days ago at the precinct, but… I don't know how productive that was."

When Alexis stands to clear the island, Kate dismisses her with a hand, not wanting the girl to have to clean up after she had spent the time in the kitchen cooking. She puts everything into the dishwasher, with Alexis sitting at the kitchen counter observing the quiet motions, and then makes her way to the bedroom and bath with a smile in her direction.

This had been their normal the past few months. Since Alexis had moved home, the two women had become closer. They shared meals together with or without Castle and prided themselves on the occasional gang-up on the only male in the house. It was a new normal that Kate had embraced and fully looked forward to for the rest of her life… what she thought was going to be the rest of her life.

When she got into the bathroom, she remembered how disorganized it had gotten. Everything had been packed away for the most part, still ready for their honeymoon. She dug into the toiletries bag and pulled out everything she could get her hands on, settling her eyes on the body wash Castle used.

Popping the cap, she inhaled the scent of him all at once, and allowed the tears to form in the corners of her eyes. She had been having these small moments every now and then… missing him, but knowing somehow that he was out there somewhere, thinking of her and getting back to this future that they dreamt up.

Starting the shower, she let the tears fall freely as she washed off the grime of the week at the precinct without a proper shower and tried to wash away the fear she had in her gut. She let the scent of the body wash engulf her and remind her of better times. The water started to grow cold because of the scalding temperature she required in the moment, so she decided that it was time to escape the safety of a place she could cry in peace.

When she got out and made her way to the bedroom, she found pajamas already laid out for her on the bed. One of Castle's t-shirts and a pair of her yoga pants. Alexis. That girl was more like her father than even she knew.

Climbing into the large bed they shared, she scooted herself over to his side, allowing herself the comfort of taking a deep breath with her face buried in his pillow. It calmed her and upset her all at the same time, until she heard the hesitant knock at the bedroom door.

"Kate?"

"Come in, Alexis." She says, sitting up on his side of the bed and wiping the tears she hadn't realized she shed from her face, not wanting Alexis to see her upset.

"I… I know that you and I… that we…umm… I know that we don't…." Alexis starts, standing at the door fidgeting her fingers and wondering how much the older woman was going to let her in.

"Alexis, come here."

There is a momentary flicker of surprise that crosses the young girl's face before she walks into the open arms of the woman that would have been her stepmother already had the fates not intervened. They were so much closer now than they had been at the first part of their engagement, but this was new. This was needed…

"I want him back." She says, after a moment in the comfort of Kate's embrace.

"I do too."

They both allow themselves the luxury of being in the presence of someone who understood what it meant to love Richard Castle in an all-consuming way. When their bodies had finally given up the fight to stay awake with their thoughts, they both fell into a restless sleep.


She feels his arms squeeze her some more, and snuggles further into him for another moment.

"Kate."

"Castle, I'm trying to sleep here."

"I know, but I have to tell you something."

She turns to face him then, allowing her eyes to open to slits.

"What?"

"I love you."

She can't help the silly grin that comes over her face at the simple declaration.

"I know."

"Yeah, but you really need to understand it now." He says, stroking her cheek softly, which causes the confusion to furrow her brow.

"Castle, do you intend to ever stop telling me you love me?"

"Never."

"Okay…."

"You just need to always remember that I love you…"

"I love you too."

He takes a deep breath after her declaration, almost letting the words penetrate through him in that moment, "That was one of my greatest gifts, you know?"

"Me loving you is one of your greatest gifts?" she says, thinking about the sweetness of the sentiment.

"It certainly was."

"It was?"

"Kate… you have to wake up now, but remember that I love you."

"Was?...Rick?"

"Wake up, Kate. It's time."


"Castle!" she screams, sitting up in bed and looking around to see that he wasn't in the room. Then she remembers last night and realizes that Alexis was no longer in the room either.

"Kate?" Alexis says, running into the room.

She looks up into the eyes of the girl, not knowing exactly what to say or what to understand in the moment.

"I'm fine… just… it was a dream. I'm sorry I scared you." She says, breath still hitching.

"That's okay. I… uh… I made you coffee. I figured you would be going back in soon." Alexis replies, turning to head out of the room again.

It's then that Kate allows herself to think back on the dream she had, the way he told her that he loved her, that it was one of his greatest gifts when she said it back. When she thinks about his last words, the realization that the feeling in her gut was gone hits her full force. That feeling that kept her hoping… kept her holding on to her sanity… it was gone. She looks down at the ring on her finger, put there by a man that she had never intended to fall so madly in love with, and she knows.

She knows without a doubt that she didn't need to go into the precinct today. Today was about waiting… waiting for a call that she knew was about to come.


"I'm glad you stayed home."

"Alexis, can I be honest with you?"

She looks over at Kate from her spot on the couch, wrapped up in a worn blanket that smelled like her father, and she nods.

"We… we don't have a lot to go on. We're grasping at straws right now, and the guys are working around the clock."

"and you don't think you're going to find him…you're giving up." Alexis says, finishing Kate's thought.

"No… I would never give up… but I… Alexis… I love him… and I've had this feeling the past week that he was out there and he was waiting for us to find him, but… that feeling…"

They are interrupted by a soft knock on the door to the loft, and Alexis moves to answer it. She stops when she sees Kate's hand go up to stop her.

Kate looks over to the door, and then looks back at her, noting the color draining from the redhead's face, "Alexis, I need you to know that no matter what happens… today or any other day… I'm here… I'm here for you, and I love you."

"Kate…"

"Do you understand?"

"I do, but Kate, this can't be it... You've got to believe that you're going to find him. You told me you were going to find him."

"Alexis…" she starts, but again hears the soft knock at the door.

"I understand." She answers, meeting Kate's eyes when she turns back, the fear inside her never calming.

Kate nods, going to the door, not knowing who was on the other side, but allowing the deep breath to brace her for what she knew was going to be said.

There were four of them. The boys, Lanie, and Gates are standing on the other side of the door when she opens it.

The exhale shutters out of her at the look on the face of her Captain.

"You found him." She states, and then noting the nod from the older woman, continues, "At least tell me it was fast… tell me he didn't suffer."

The surprise on Gates' was there, but subdued. "You know?"

"I felt it… I knew when I woke up this morning… Tell me what this was."

"Detective, I don't think that this is the time or place to—"

"Kate?"

She turns, hearing that tiny voice behind her… the voice of her own self when she was nineteen and learning that her mother had been found dead in an alleyway.

"Alexis, I…"

"No…. No! You said when we were in the Hamptons that you were going to find him! You said that he was going to come back to us! You said that you wouldn't stop until he was home! He wouldn't be in this if it wasn't for you!"

"Alexis!" she screams to get the girl's attention.

"He always followed you! He loved you and you… you didn't even have the guts to tell him how you felt until it was almost too late! This wouldn't have happened!"

"Alexis!" she screams again to try to calm her down just before feeling the slap across her face.

"Oh my God!" Alexis says, covering her face as her jaw drops open in horror at what she just did. "Kate, I'm… I can't."

The younger woman starts to tremble then, shaking uncontrollably as Kate offers an apologetic glance towards the team at her door before wrapping her arms around her and leading her back towards the bedroom they shared last night.

"Kate, I'm sorry. He would be so ashamed of me right now." She says, sobbing into the shoulder of the other woman once they sit on the edge of the bed.

"No. No he wouldn't. Alexis, he would get it…. I… I do too. I was your age when my mom was murdered… I remember not believing anything that anyone said. I remember being angry at everyone who even came near me to comfort me. I remember blaming anyone that I could. Alexis… you do whatever you need to do. You blame me, you blame God, you do what you need to do, but know that I'm going to be right here to help you through all of it. I meant what I said earlier."

"Who's going to help you?"

"I hope you are… and Martha… even your dad… We'll get through this."

"I don't want to go back out there. Not after-"

"Stay. I'll do what needs to be done out there. You stay in here and keep the bed warm…. I feel like we might need a nap." She says with a small smile before walking out the door and back to the company they had.

"Kate." Lanie says, approaching her friend, but being passed aside as Kate walks over to the Captain.

"What was it? Who was it?"

Gates falters a bit and Kate doesn't miss the looks shared by Ryan and Esposito at the question. Whatever this was, it was something that they had all predicted at one time or another… it wasn't a surprise that she saw in the glances. It was the knowledge that this was always going to happen…

"Bracken." She says simply, causing Kate's entire body to stiffen.

"How? How the HELL was he able to pull this off from a cell?" she says through clenched teeth.

"From what we have found out, it was put in motion a long time ago. He ordered a hit on Castle after the hit on you was unsuccessful. He thought you would be vulnerable enough to drop your guard. He would be able to get to you after he got to him. He thought you would give up." Espo says, the anger evident in his voice.

"How do you know for sure it was him? How are you proving this?"

"We found the guy who killed Ca- he was willing to roll on Bracken. Uniforms found him in a upscale apartment downtown. The neighbor was former Army, now working for a private security firm. He heard the gunshot this morning and actually held the guy until the police came. It was like it was out of a movie. We got him into interrogation and we got him to spill all of it." Ryan adds.

"How?"

"It doesn't matter how we got him to talk, it matters that he did."

"That's not what I'm asking…" She says still letting the information sink in while turning her gaze to the only woman she trusted at a crime scene. "Lanie… how?"

Lanie shakes her head, knowing exactly what her best friend was asking her for.

"Lanie, my whole future was wrapped up in that man… you knew it before I did… Hell, you ALL knew that before I did. He became everything to me… I have to know this… How did it happen?"

Lanie takes a deep breath, telling herself that she needed to treat it like any other scene… any other moment… wishing that it was just a routine case she was explaining. She looks into the eyes of her friend and lets the switch flip… back to the professional medical examiner reporting at a crime scene. "Single gunshot to the back of the head… no evidence of torture. Time of death was between 8 and 9 this morning." She finally says, her throat closing on the last of her words.

Hearing the black and white description finally made it penetrate into her mind… he was gone. The hope she had just yesterday was squashed. No wedding, no family, no future with the man she fell in love with years ago.

"I'm sorry, but I need… Alexis and I need to be alone. I need time." She says quickly.

They all exchange looks until Gates gestures for the door and Kate watches as they all slowly get up.

"Kate, you don't have to do this alone…" Lanie says, finally placing a supportive hand on the shoulder of her friend, only to be shrugged off.

"I'm not… I just… I need to be here and be with Alexis and sort through all of it."

"You call us, Chica… you call us if you need anything." Espo says, leading Lanie away from her best friend with a grasp on her elbow.

"All you need to do is make sure he doesn't see the outside of a jail cell ever again… you make sure that he pays. He killed almost all the witnesses to these crimes… I know that he's got people that will lie for him. You don't let that happen." She says, causing all of them to turn back toward her from the doorway.

"Detective… Kate. We will make sure that he doesn't get away with any of this. You take all the time that you need for this. I don't expect you to be back any time soon. While I may not have appreciated his methods and I may have teased the two of you, Mr. Castle was part of that family at the 12th and he will be missed." Gates says as she's walking out the door, causing a stir of emotions in Kate's mind.

"Thank you, Sir."

With that, she shuts the door behind them and walks into the bedroom where she finds Alexis with her father's pillow held close to her. She lays down beside her, and lets the tears fall and the sleep overtake her again.


"You're even beautiful when you cry, did you know that?" he says, smoothing the hair from her face.

"Castle." She says, looking towards him with wonder.

"You have to be there for them, Kate. I know you said that you would be, but don't run this time. No more running. Be there… You'll need them soon enough."

"Can't I just stay here… stay in my dreams?"

"Not an option." He replies.

"Why did you leave?"

"You think I wanted to? You think that I wanted to miss out on everything that's happening?"

"Everything that's happening? You're missing out on grieving, Castle. That's what's happening…grieving for you. I know you don't have THAT much of an ego." She smiles at him, in an attempt to lighten her own mood.

"Kate, I love you so much."

"I know you do… that's why it's not fair. It's not fair that you left."

"I know… but you won't be alone. I'm with you… I'm with you so much more than you even understand right now. I'll always be with you."

"I want you here… I want your arms around me... We had so much more… so much more time… so much more living…"

"Don't do that, Kate." He says, shaking his head and holding her face gently in his hands.

"Don't do what?"

"Don't act like it's over. There's so much more that you have to do."

"No."

"Kate… wake up and be there."


When she wakes up, it takes her a moment to realize that the body next to her is not his… it's his daughter's. Alexis had fallen asleep after their talk earlier, and when her team and the captain left, Kate had crawled into the bed beside her. Her hand rested on the younger Castle's shoulder while she slept, a gesture of protection.

It was that moment, that she realized again why they were there… he was gone.

She runs to the bathroom to empty the contents of her stomach, the loss of him too much for her to conquer in that moment, and after checking on Alexis, she makes her way to the living room.

Her phone in hand, she hits the contact that she so desperately wants to hear.

"Hi, You've reached Richard Castle, and I'm sorry, but I'm with my beautiful wife on our honeymoon, and we are both very distracted… as I'm sure you can imagine. Leave a message, and you may be lucky enough for me to call you back. Until then, have a fantastic day." She hears for the first time, not knowing or caring about when he had changed it, but knowing how much fun he must have had while doing it.

The message proved to be her undoing and she is quickly dialing another contact, needing to be sure, "Hi… it's Kate… can you come?"

It's just ten minutes before the knock on the door is heard, which doesn't surprise her because it was nearly 3 o'clock in the morning.

Opening the door, Lanie rushes in, and moves to embrace her friend.

Kate can't handle that at the moment, and puts her hands up in front of her, "Lanie, I'm sorry, you can't… I… I don't…"

She can't make the words come out… doesn't understand why she even called her friend over. "It isn't you."

"Kate?"

Kate shakes her head, trying to make sense of everything.

"Kate, honey, talk to me." Lanie says, placing a hand gently on Kate's shoulder.

"It isn't you… It's not you that I want… I don't want you, Lanie… I want him… I want to talk to him about how I feel right now. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that it's going to be okay. I want him to wipe the tears from under my eyes. I just… I want him."

Lanie's eyes are swimming with tears as she watches her friend come undone before her eyes. She can't even begin to come up with a reply.

"Can I… I called you here because I need to ask you something… can I?"

"Whatever you need." Lanie says with a confident tone.

"Lanie…" her voice starts to break before she can get out the rest of the words, "are you sure?"

"Am I sure about what, sweetie?" she asks, softly with her brow furrowed.

"Are you sure it was him?"

"Oh, Kate…" she says, finally going against her friend's wishes and wrapping her arms around her. "Honey, I'm sure."

"Lanie!" she sobs, letting her body shake with the force of her tears, "How could this happen? Why would he get taken away from me?"

Burying her head in the shoulder of her friend, Lanie cries with her, "I don't know, Kate… I don't know."

They sit like that for what seems like hours before Kate's breathing finally slows, her body calming down.

"I'm sorry that I had to ask you that… I knew… I knew that you were sure, but I—"

"you don't have to explain yourself, Kate… I get it."

"Okay." She says, wiping at her eyes.

A few moments of silence follows before Lanie asks her, "What's next Kate?"

"I guess I have to figure out all the arrangements for the—"

"No… Kate, I mean what's next for you? I know that you haven't had the time to think about it, but… you know that you have to keep going, Kate. It might not seem like it now, but you still have a life to live."

"I don't want to do it without him…"

"You can't think like that… Castle wouldn't want you to think like that. Think about Alexis and Martha…"

"They have each other… They've had each other their whole lives. They don't need me in the mix."

"Katherine Beckett, you don't really believe that… I know you don't. You love Alexis and you love Martha. You told me when you and Castle got engaged that they were family… that you were starting a family with them. And as much as I know it kills you… you and Alexis share something now… losing a parent. You've told me about Meredith and so has Alexis… you need to be there for her. You're the closest thing to a mother she's ever going to get, and I know that she needs you."

"I don't know how to do this, Lanie."

"No one ever does Kate… but you move on… you live your life."

"I never deserved any of this… this perfect life with a wonderful man… a wonderful family… a beautiful home. That's why it was taken away."

"You don't get to do that, Kate. I can already see you building those walls back up. Castle broke them down for you… he saw what was behind them more than any of us, and he knew that the real you needed to be shown. You did deserve your happy ending… You didn't deserve it being torn away from you."

"She's right."

It came from the stairs, and neither woman had heard the source of the comment come out of her room.

"Martha…"

"Katherine… you do deserve this… you deserve a family that loves you and a beautiful home. You deserve a man that loves you the way that my son does. You deserve a mother in your life even though yours was taken from you. I'm sorry that you feel like you don't. And she's right… we do need you. I know I need a daughter around and Alexis needs a mother, and I know that you need us too."

"Martha, I have to tell you something…" she says, realizing that Martha hadn't been down since this afternoon.

"You don't… I already know."

"You haven't been—"

"I haven't been present… I know."

"Martha, please don't do what my father did. I know that this is painful… but please don't let yourself go down that road."

"Kiddo," she says, coming down the stairs to embrace the younger woman, "I'm going to be fine. I had to be the dramatic for a little while… it's my nature… and it might happen again… but I know that I'm going to be okay. Lanie's right… it doesn't feel like it right now, but our lives will move on from here."

"Even if I don't want them to?" Kate asks with a sad smile, pulling back from the embrace after a moment.

"Even then."

She lets out a deep breath, which actually causes a yawn to escape, leading Lanie to suggest that she should maybe go back to bed.

"Will you stay?" she asks her friend.

"I'll be on the couch." Lanie says with a nod.

"I'll get her some pillows and a blanket, dear. You go back to bed… I'll go check on Alexis." Martha offers, headed towards the stairs again.

"No need… she's um… she's in here with me." Kate says, gesturing to her and Castle's bedroom.

"Then I know that she'll be in good hands." Martha says, "get some rest Katherine."

Kate nods, before turning away from the two women and heading back into the bedroom.

She takes a moment to watch Alexis after climbing into the bed, allowing herself to think of the pain that she felt after losing her mother. Alexis was stronger than she was at that age… but even with that, it will be devastating.

"Kate?" the whisper comes and she startles a bit at the sound.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I do need you… don't go." Alexis says softly, not opening her eyes.

"I'm here, Alexis." She replies.

"Always?"

The younger woman's reply causes a tremble in Kate's heart. The familiar term filled with meaning that she was sure the younger Castle wasn't even aware of. She thinks of him then, remembering their promise to each other… a promise that she was now going to make to his daughter.

"Always."

A small smile forms on her sleepy face, and Kate slips down beside her and allows herself to relax and fall back into a restless sleep.


"You are so beautiful and I love you." He says, smoothing her hair.

"You need to stop telling me that… my ego can't take it." She smiles back at him.

"Now that I'm gone, will you please work on taking a compliment? I was working really hard on that with you… you need to acknowledge how extraordinary you are, Kate."

"Gone." She says, placing her fingers on his lips and leaning in to him.

"We can't…" he says, stopping her before she completes the distance between them.

"Why?"

He shrugs, "Rules."

"You're gone."

"I'm still here." He says.

"No, you're not."

"Kate, no matter where you are… I'm still with you. Please remember that."

"She asked me for always, Castle."

"You gave it to her… thank you for that, Kate. She needs you. I told you that they needed you. You're going to need them too… more so in the coming months. Lean on them… they love you."

"I love you."

His smile is bright when he replies, "There you go again with my gift."

"Lanie has to be wrong…"

"She's not… and she and mother were right… You have to keep living Kate… It's not an option."

"I don't think I can be here without you, Rick."

"You can."


"No." she says out loud.

"Kate?"

"Castle, no… I don't want to be here."

"Kate?"

She feels the arms shaking her awake and opens her eyes in search of his. When she sees eyes so similar, she realizes where she is, what happened just a few minutes… maybe hours ago.

"I can still hear him… he's still everywhere." She finally says, watching as her words cause Alexis to tear up again. "I'm sorry, Lex…. I just… I had never wanted it before. I thought that I had love before your dad. I thought I knew what I wanted… and then… he just showed up and he changed everything. Love was so much more than I thought it was supposed to be and all of a sudden I wanted all of it. I wanted to grow old with someone beside me, I wanted a family, I wanted a future… I never wanted that before him… and now it's just gone… it's all gone."

"Kate, my dad and Gram are all I had… my whole life. When you showed up and you changed him… you made him fall in love with you like I had never seen before. That scared me. I knew that he would walk through fire for you and part of me hated you for it… and then at some point I realized that you'd be right next to him in the fire and you loved him back just as much as he loved you. All these small things that you've done for me over the years or the things you've let me be a part of… Kate that matters more to me than you can even imagine… you are my family now. You still have that family… it may not be at all what either of us thought, but I can't lose you now and I don't want you to feel like you're alone. Kate, we need each other."

"Your dad said the same thing… always telling me not to run."

"Please don't. Don't run from this, Kate. It's hard enough for me to face losing one parent… don't make me lose another."

Kate's eyes meet Alexis' sharply, noting the title she bestowed upon her for the first time. She was right though, and she knew that Castle would have said the same thing. He told her the day before this mess happened that everything had led them to that point for a reason… maybe this was that reason.

"I'm sorry… about what I said." Alexis finally admits, not wanting to meet Kate's eyes while saying it.

"Alexis, I meant what I said earlier… you're going to want to blame and you're going to get angry, and I get that. I'm still going to be here, even if you realize you hate me."

"Always, right?" she asks, vaguely remembering the voices from last night and their exchange.

"Always."

"I don't hate you, Kate, I love you… It's just easy to point a finger right now."

"You're pointing the finger at the right person… you were right… he wouldn't have been in that situation had it not been for me."

"You know what… maybe not, but he loved it… he was passionate about what he was doing with you guys. I know that you all teased him about his theories and his craziness, but he really did believe that he was helping people through what you guys were doing."

"He was… he really did help us so much…"

"And he loved it, and he loved you and it meant spending time with you and spending time doing something that he felt mattered."

Kate sighs before pulling Alexis closer to her, needing to have someone close while thinking back on all the cases they worked together… all the families they got justice for.