A/N: I had to delete and reupload due to I confused someone and had to end up adding some parts in, which I didn't add in before. In reply to Leah who reviewed sorry I confused you, basically I hope it makes more sense now, I didn't want to add in some parts but I feel I had to add them in now to make it clearer.

It's been a few days since I discovered I was in fact pregnant, 12 weeks to be exact not the news I was hoping for I hoped it just to be a bug, or down to stress but the little white stick in my hand those days ago confirmed it and since then I've been trying to avoid everyone. Though that's impossible due to living with two colleagues, they've noticed changes in me and using the excuse of 'Patient gave me a bug', 'Bug going round', 'Tired' even Arthur who's not very clued up on that kind of thing has noticed, even going out his way to ensure I was well and now I'm on AAU, no doubt another asking of my father, though Mr Griffin doesn't take any shit from Junior's and I'm with him. Though today even work is the last thing on my mind, I've had backache for quite a while but I woke up with backache that feels stronger, and it hasn't budged, this is the kind of thing I would ask mama but of course I can't. Never once did I expect myself to become pregnant in fact it's never occurred to me about a blog growing inside me into a little person. I'm a doctor not a mother and of course I've gotten pregnant purely by accident, just like probably many professionals have especially Ms Naylor she's definitely not a mummy type and I hope she realises that if you have kids with her profession they should come first, just look at me and Guy. I lean against a wall waiting to be found by Mr Griffin who was 'babysitting' me today, I would much rather like a lie down on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my back but that is not going to happen any time soon.

"And I heard your surgical skills are something that Elliot Hope hasn't seen since, Ms Naylor," Ric says to me as I then push myself away from the wall.

"How many surgeon's does it take to get Zosia March into surgery?" Harry asked grinning and Mary-Claire stood aside him, "Let's see we've had Professor Hope, Sacha and now Mr Griffin…everyone but the above," I smile sarcastically as the junior registrar looks like a child who's just got praise off his teacher, and I'm sure Mr Griffin doesn't hand out praise lightly, in fact I'm pretty sure that no one down here hands out praise lightly, "So Zosia ready to spend your day on AAU?"

"I can't wait," I try to sound 'positive' but my tone is as always uninterested, "Why would I not want to spend my day, up into guts and gore?" one fault of mine which I'm able to admit only to myself: I don't think before I speak. I walk with Mr Griffin though I see him lock eyes with the consultant Serena Campbell, he gives her a small smile and I make a face, "So you and Ms Campbell," I jump in and Mr Griffin stops.

"What about me and Ms Campbell?" he asks in his deep voice and I step in front smiling.

"You blush every time you see her," I say and he frowns then I observe him further, "I saw when she walked past earlier."

"Serena and myself are just friends nothing more," I sense an irritation in his voice had I touched a nerve? "Anyway you will be trailing Doctor Tressler for the meantime, since I am due in theatre."

"No way one step wrong and she'll be up to daddy," I hear him whisper to Mary-Claire and I turn my face to him, I have good hearing when I need it and right now I wanted to hear more, "Imagine if I took the mick? Oh daddy Doctor Tressler took the mick."

"Harry," Mary-Claire says as she catches my eye but I turn my face away, "Nice one now she'll think I'll be the same."

Sadly my attention is caught by the familiar nurse in her red top and black trousers, "Right I'll go check on patients," I say to quickly avoid the nurse who I hate, I know hate is a strong word but she couldn't keep away from him and now they're once again working together. I try to slip away but I'm too late and she catches my eye.

"Hi Zosh," she says politely and I make no sound and I go to walk ahead, "Not so fast over here," who does she think she is? She's not my mama never will she be, but yet I find myself drawn to that tone it's a tone of authority the tone she only saves as a last resort, the tone I grew to knew when I was younger Colette Sheward the Rottweiler she's that for a reason. So I fold my arms and walk over leaning against the desk before her dark eyes catch my light ones, "Are you OK? I heard you've been feeling under the weather."

"I'm fine just some bug," I answer why's it her business? I'm not her business and she frowns at me, "What?" I ask rudely then she gives me the disapproving look.

"I give up on you Zosia," Colette shakes her head and then walks away, I sit down on the chair and twirl with my pen, I think about my current situation, this thing growing inside me currently causing me displeasures: sickness, sore and heavy breasts, and feeling faint at random times. I try and imagine this baby but I can't right now it's still a small blob inside my womb, that's of course Arthur's child, guess it could be worse it could've been Harry's though the thought of Harry being the dad is less comforting than Arthur. Whilst Harry would run like a wimp Arthur would, I hope, stay, he doesn't seem the type to run. I groan as the thought of assisting in theatre is the most boring thought ever, surprisingly the quick Belvita I had this morning has stayed down, in fact I haven't even felt ill this morning. Strange I had been suffering from horrible sickness, luckily I was able to cover it up with just trips to the bathroom, so Arthur and Dom would not get suspicious. Now it's not there at all. Then again I hadn't noticed my period was missing until I looked at my calendar and realised, which then set alarm bells going and in haste of panic I snuck out at midnight and drove to the 24 hour shop. I looked a bit weird in my pyjama trousers and Holby hoddie but at midnight who cares? So I then went to a public toilet and hovered over the seat as of course public toilets and hygiene are not on the same wave length and waited, my future was in the hands well drops of my urine. It felt like hours but then it popped up and behold yes, I am in fact with child, which I'm not even sure I want to keep. I'm a doctor not a mum, "Oh and your dad wants to see you in his office," I hear Colette talk to me again as she returns but I don't take it in, as I'm thinking, "He has some stuff of yours from his house and would like you to pick it up," I only hear 'pick it up' and I shake my head.

"Sorry?" I turn on the chair and face the nurse who is growing inpatient I can tell, "I was-"

"I said he wants to see you in his office so I suggest you do it," She looks angry not my fault I have my mind on other things, especially since it involves his potential if I keep it grandchild, "And don't let me catch your lounging again, this is my ward."

I sit up and groan as the backache comes back again, but then I smile sarcastically before walking away to go into his office, to see what he wants I walk across the corridor before reaching his office: Guy Self CEO his sign reads and I knock before not even being told to enter, why should I have to wait when he waltzes in on Keller at random times? "You wanted to see me," I fold my arms and he then turns around.

"I don't recall my mouth saying the words 'enter'," he then smiles at me and I look at her desk they really didn't take long did they? Colette Sheward Director of Nursing, Guy Self CEO, "I took the liberty of going through boxes and I found some of your stuff," he places the box onto his desk and I walk over intrigued of what he found and I look in: photo albums, cds I smile very lightly at one Busted I was fifteen coming on sixteen when the album Busted came out and the song Year 3000 seemed the best thing in the world. I then look further down and I found the really worn down toy which I took with me everywhere, it's a lamb it looks so much smaller now I'm older. His ears are flattened not sure whether that's from being crammed in a box or because he's showing his age: twenty six obviously isn't old but when you think about it a year of getting chewed on because I found his ears a better comforter than a teething ring, being taken around hospital especially when visiting mama when she was ill, when I was younger and being washed loads of times and more it's no wonder he looks older than me. His blue dungarees and light blue t-shirt are faded too. I forget I'm in his office when I hear his page go off, "I have to go but…feel free to stay-"

"I have to get back to AAU," that's all I can say as I then make a sharp exit out of his office, I hear my pager go off and sigh heavily as I see it's dear old Griffin.

"Look Guy wanted to see her…and it was important-"

"She can't go off like that…what if Harry had to be somewhere?"

"Look I'm sorry but he seemed in a hurry and what was I supposed to do?"

"Maybe told him to get in contact with his daughter," I hear Ric and Colette argue and then Colette sighs heavily.

"Getting Guy and Zosia to talk, is like getting ice cream not to melt in heat…I'm sure she'll be back soon and then you can lecture her," I hear Colette say sarcastically she could get away with that with Benson, Benson always was soft, well softer than my dad, he actually spoke and listened to you. Despite being a control freak, I walk down the ward and I feel the two people with dark eyes eyeing me, "And here she is."

"Just to say if you feel that you can swan off whenever you want, you're in the wrong hospital I don't like junior's thinking they can do whatever they want," Mr Griffin says sternly by my mind is now on the cramps I am experiencing, and the backache is worse it's like I've been pulled into a strange position and been left there, I ignore both and just put it down to normal symptoms but that's me switching my medical brain off.

"And stand up straight as well!" Colette shouts as I'm currently circling my hand over my back and I squeeze my nails into the palms of my hands, and try and concentrate, "Doctor March," she says my professional name but I then I have to make a sharp exit and I feel trickling I look down and find that the crouch of my trousers, is stained dark red and the cramps excel, I just about make it to a cubicle not being able to lock it before I bend over and squeeze my eyes shut, I fall to my knees and grab my abdomen as I then allow myself to cry. My scrub trousers are filling with blood, I try and pull myself up but the cramp comes back forcing me back to my knees, I know what is happening all this blood and pain, I then hear the door opening and it shuts loud, I try to control the pain but I can't, "Zosia?" Colette calls and I ignore her I'm still on the floor on my knees, just wanting it to stop, I haven't even dared to attempt and look at the floor, "Zosia?" she calls again, I actually feel the need to call for help as I can't keep like this even though, she is the last person I'd want to find me in this state, "Well if you want to act like a toddler be my guest."

"No," I squeak out before I lift myself up still on my knees I then tilt my head to the side of the cubicle walls, I breathe out not sure what to do, obviously too late to say 'I'm' fine as there's blood on the floor and I'm sure I don't look healthy. I then see sandy coloured Nike high top trainers and green trousers I didn't notice she had got changed, my mind was obviously on other things. I look up and she's stood there looking shocked and confused, "I…I…I…help," that's all that comes out as I can't think of anything else to say, especially since I do I guess need help.

"Oh Zosia," she says and she kneels down in front of me, I'm still hugging my abdomen and she doesn't know what to say obviously, then she looks like she's going to ask a question, "How far gone were you?" she asks and I remember reading on the stick 12 weeks, obviously she knows what has happened, I'm not sure how but she's guessed.

"12," I stop as I look away from Colette I then look at the ground, there's blood quite a bit and I breathe in and out heavily as I then dare to look at the state of my trousers.

"I need to get you out of here Zosh," Colette says kindly and I don't know what to do, I just feel tired and weak, "Here," she pulls out a tissue, does she carry these round? As she always seems to have a clean one whenever someone needs one. I take it and then dab at my eyes and cheeks which have been dampened with tears from pain, "Come on," she offers me a hand and I take a few seconds before taking it, "You can take your time."

"Mr Gri-"

"You leave him to me," she reassures and I then slowly and shakily stand up, I feel weak and I have to take a couple of seconds before I regain my little strength and I then realise something, how am I going to get out of here without being seen? I'm hardly looking healthy as I see myself in the mirror: I'm pale, "It's alright," she tries to reassure but it's really not alright.

….

Colette managed to get me from the toilets without being seen and I'm now in the toilets again getting changed, I have AAU scrubs and a spare change of underwear, I'm scared to pull down my pants, but as I do I find only blood and no foetus, "You OK in there?" I hear Colette call of course I'm not OK, what a stupid question, "Zosh?" she calls again, "Zosia?"

"It's not there," I sit on the toilet and shake my head, "But…I…."

"It doesn't happen all at once…it can take time " Colette tells me and I shake my head, "I don't sugar coat things Zosia you know that."

"This is not happening," I tilt my head back and feel tears releasing themselves, sliding down my cheeks, I sit there for a few minutes shaking and trying not to make it obvious I'm crying. I eventually peel off my pants and then get changed into the sky blue scrubs, they really don't suit my complexion. I walk out and lean against the skink, hands resting on the sides, "What am I supposed to do?" I ask and Colette looks at me.

"Come with me," she orders her tone slightly softer, and I look at her, "Come with me."

We're in her and dad's office as my dad is still in theatre, and I hope he has to stay in there for a while. I'm sat on the sofa legs curled up still feeling the cramps and I press my hand on my abdomen then apply pressure. Colette's gone out for what she said, five minutes but it's been ten. Each time the door opens I panic in case it's not Colette but each time she walks in and I don't say anything, "Here," she places a cup of tea into my free hand and then places a custard cream onto the desk, "I took a while because I was checking how long your dad would be in theatre for."

"And how long is he going to be?" I ask not drinking the tea just yet, I like the heat against my hands and I breathe in the tea smell.

"Another hour," she answers and I look down at my hands, "But normally he spends a bit of time talking with the families."

"Did you say to Mr Griffin?" I ask and Colette shakes her head, "But if I don't turn up…he'll end up going to-"

"I said leave Mr Griffin to me...if he wants to have a go he'll have to come to me," Colette then types on her computer I guess some notes, I can tell she's noticed my silence as she then sits back and turns on her chair, "Do you want to talk about it?" I shake my head I'm still in shock it feels unreal, one minute I was pregnant and the next I've lost the baby and I'm confused as to why it happened…why does this happen? Is it something I've done? Maybe working too hard I only found out not long ago I was pregnant perhaps what I was eating and drinking? I stare at the wall and I feel my throat tightening but I'm not going to cry, not here, especially not in front of her, I then have to bite my lip and hold back the tears, I don't notice Colette sitting next to me it's only when I feel her arm around me, "You're allowed to cry," I shake my head and look down at the tea the steam rising up and I then place it on the floor.

"Mama always wanted me to have children," I say as I twiddle with my fingers and again stare at the ceiling, "I always told her I would one day give her grandchildren, but now she's gone and…what am I supposed to do?"

"Give yourself time to grieve," Grieve I hate that word it's my worst thing grief I hate it, I just want to get on with my daily life but something always makes me think about the thing, I am grieving over. Patients talking about mother's make me think about mama, "OK," Colette rubs her hand up and down my arm and I lean my head back, "Will you be OK tonight?" she asks and I look at her my eyes frowning, "As I know you're not on your own…but will you be OK?"

"I'll be fine," I say as she then looks at me and she can tell when I'm lying or trying to shut someone up. Though my hand pressing against my abdomen is showing her different.

"You're staying with me tonight and that's an order not an option," I roll my eyes and then slowly sit back up, groaning slightly, "I think I already know the answer, but are you going to tell your dad?" arghh I hadn't even thought about that, obviously if I was pregnant at some stage I would had to have told him.

"What's the point? There's no baby nothing for him to worry about…like he would care anyway but..." I can't imagine him caring to be honest, he spends half the time on his fancy phone, then rest of his time with the woman sat next to me and wonders why I don't talk to him.

"I finish at nine meet me at the entrance," she orders then pushes herself and folds her arms, "And I will come and find you…if I can't see you," she then reaches down and picks up the mug, "I have to get back on AAU but I'll speak to Mr Griffin you get yourself back up to Keller, and it's up to you whether you tell Dom or Arthur."

As she leaves I pull myself up and go towards the box again, I can't help but want to pick up that lamb and hug it tight. I can't remember the last time I actually held him so I hold him by the arm which has lost most of it's stuffing. I claimed he had numerous operations when I was younger, since there's stitches near his bottom and one on his chest and another on his arm. In fact it was the only time that his skills came in handy. If mama couldn't do it I'd go to him and it seemed that they came in handy, since it's been years since they have been done and none have become loose. I sigh and then hold him close to my chest, momentarily feeling slight comfort from the stuffed animal, before placing the box underneath his desk and then quickly stuff the lamb underneath my scrub top and gradually make my way back up to Keller.

A/N: First off huge thank you to RainbowChaser90 who has been reading through and helping me! SO big thanks to yooooou! And also to PianoNinja who's read as well! I generally can't believe this came to me as I rarely don't like writing stuff like this but I just dunno, reviews are welcome xxxxx