Lucky Man :)
It's pretty much how I remember being in here, except this time I'm not waiting for a group of men to come and beat me black and blue. Although sometimes I wish they would come, it would make a change to feel physically hurt, instead of this painful ache inside my heart that just won't go away. It's been there ever since I destroyed any chance of a future with Steven. I'd forgotten what the silence does to you when you're lying awake at night; I'd forgotten that it plays tricks on you. Sometimes I swear I can his voice and that goofy laugh of his, but I know it's just my mind playing sick jokes on me.
My thoughts are always about him and in here time to think is all you've got. I often think of him looking up at me when I confessed to the murders, the day I ruined us. The pain on his face, in his cries and to know I caused that just tears me apart. The fact that I was prepared to let him see me die, what kind of monster does that to the man he loves? I guess there are no words to describe someone like me.
I promised him that it would be different this time, but it wasn't it was worse and I let him down again. I always let him down and I don't know why, especially when he is the only one that I want to make happy. Now all I have is regret and a bunch of what if's. I have lots of memories of him, of us, but the one memory I have that I know I'll never get rid of is of the last time I saw him. He bore his soul to me broke down completely, but when he screamed out for me…god I just wanted to die. Sometimes that scream is all I hear.
I often wonder what we'd be doing together if I was at home with him. We would be so happy now that we have no one messing with us. Amy, Walker and Seamus are all gone and we should be embracing a new life together, but they won anyway and all this was for nothing. I will pay the price forever and live a life in here without my one true love…without my Steven. I guess I should never have got my hopes up.
I have fought so hard to be with him for so long and now I can't I don't know what else there is for me. Nothing, there is nothing for me now. It's not like I can serve my time in here and then go and knock on his door, although I probably will because I know that I'm never gonna feel any differently about him. Being with him, is like nothing else, it's like coming first in a race, winning the top prize and I know there will be someone else for him, how could there not be, he's amazing. As for me it will always be just him, he has my heart always.
I wish I could have been the man he needed me to be, I was so close to having everything, but wasn't close enough I guess. I hate being away from him, living this lonely life knowing he feels the same and not being able to do a thing about it. It would've been so much easier to die. I feel like I'm dead now anyway. He will at some point try to see me and although I want nothing more, I have to think about what is best for him and guess what? It's not me.
He will get over me in time and the pain he feels now will hurt less and less each day. He will realise that me being in here and out of his life is the right thing, he's too good for me anyway. As for me I will remain stuck in this moment and my love for him will never fade. At least for a while I experienced what it felt like to be truly loved. He changed me, he changed everything, he taught me how to love and that makes me a very lucky man.
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