Title: Hamilton's Journal, Part 1/?
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Pretty please? Good or bad...
Rating: PG-13
Category: Jake and Hamilton (as if I could write something without them...)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!
Summary: This is a companion piece to "Dear Diary". It starts after the kiss in the pilot. Later that night, Hamilton can't stop thinking about Jake kissing him. He needs to talk to someone about what happened, but doesn't have anyone he can tell. Laying awake, unable to sleep, he gets his laptop and starts a journal.
Spoilers: There's nothing to spoil.
Thanks: To Ev for encouraging me to run with my crazy ideas. And to a certain guy for breaking my heart and making me think about men non-stop lately.
July 16, 2000
I'm not really sure how to do this. I've never kept a journal before. Actually, I never felt like I needed to before, but so much has happened. I'm so confused. I really need a way to get this all out. I'd like to talk to someone, tell someone...but who could I tell? Who could I trust with something like this? I'd never tell my mom about this and it's not like I have people lining up outside the door just waiting to be best friends with me...the Dean's son. And who could I talk to that would understand? Understand that a guy kissed me...and I liked it...and that I can't stop thinking about him.
Who could I tell that to? Who would understand and keep quiet about it? No one. That's the answer...no one. I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this. So I guess I'll use this computer and talk to myself. (See, I knew I was losing my mind.) Computers keep secrets better than people do anyway.
The reason for my mass confusion and sudden need for a confidant?
Jake.
Jake Pratt arrived at Rawley Academy 11 days ago and my life hasn't been the same since.
Even though this year is my first year as an actual student, I started it the same way I've started the last several years - at my favorite dorm window with camera in hand. I was taking pictures of the girl's campus when I heard a motorcycle. Now, motorcycles aren't allowed on campus, so naturally, I was curious as to who would bring a bike to school. It's not the usual mode of transportation for the Rawley set, either. I found the rider through my camera lens. Not your typical Rawley student at all, leather jacket, jeans, boots, black motorcycle... My curiosity was definitely piqued. Who would have the balls to bring a bike here? Surely, he had to know it was illegal. My father hates rule-breakers, so of course, I just had to find out more.
I tried to catch up to him several times, but he always managed to get away before I could say anything. The first crew practice provided a better opportunity. I tried starting a conversation, but he was harder to get information out of than I am! Crew practice came and went and I still didn't know anything about Jake. Well...except that he wore sweats and a sweatshirt in July and swam fully clothed.
I tried a different tactic and went to his room the next day. Finally, I got some information. Jake's mom pays less attention to him than my dad does to me. He's changed schools 6 times and his mother didn't even notice. Now, my father may be wrapped up in being the almighty Dean of Rawley Academy, but I think he'd notice if I changed schools! If for no other reason than it would make him look bad since his own son changed schools.
I also learned that Jake is seriously into computers and basically unbeatable at video games. We talked and played games all afternoon. I lost every time, but it was great. I had finally met someone I could be comfortable around. Someone who didn't seem to care that my father was the Dean. Someone who spent more time than I did looking for ways to get around the rules. Someone who was even less impressed with the whole "Rawley guy" thing than I was. Someone I could really be friends with.
Then I noticed how good Jake smelled. The guy constantly wears this ball cap, so as we were leaving to grab dinner, I grabbed it off his head and tried it on. No big deal, right? Wrong. When I tried it on, I noticed how nice it smelled. Before my brain realized what my mouth was doing, I had basically told Jake he smelled good. Great way to get a reputation as a fruitcake, huh? I don't know why I said it, but later that night I realized that Jake does smell good. And not just that one time - all the time. The guys around here are usually drowning in expensive colognes. You can smell them coming a mile away, but Jake's not like that at all. He smells fresh - fresh? God, I am turning into a fruitcake. Seriously though, he smells so good, like in a soap-and-baby-powder-clean kind of way. I laid awake half the night thinking about Jake and then spent the other half of the night telling myself to stop thinking about Jake.
The next day, I swore I was going to stay away from Jake, but I found myself at his door before I realized where I was going. He didn't mention the "smells good" thing and we ended up hanging out and having fun like nothing weird had happened. I was so relieved I hadn't ruined a friendship before it really began.
Yesterday, I helped him move his bike to a better hiding place. Where he had it is way too close to the main driveway to be a good hiding spot. After that we went back to the dorm and spent the day just hanging out. Jake is easy to talk to and I found myself telling him things I've never told anyone before. I was more relaxed and happy that night when I went home than I can remember being in a long time. I think I even dreamed about Jake because this morning the first thing I remember thinking was "I can't wait to see Jake again."
That should have been my clue that something was seriously wrong. Why would a guy's first thought in the morning be about another guy? But, I didn't see it that way then and as soon as I was dressed, I went back to Jake's room. He had hacked into some website and we were trying to play this new game, but the connection was too slow and it wasn't running right. When he suggested we needed a satellite hookup, I immediately thought of the satellite dish on the roof. Since Play Station and Nintendo are about the extent of my computer expertise, this was kinda my chance to contribute something. Maybe even show off a little. I know every inch of this school and finding the satellite hookup was no big deal. The extra satellite connection was ready in no time.
What I wasn't ready for was the connection between Jake and I.
Somehow we ended up leaning against the roof ledge staring into each other's eyes and then Jake kissed me. It only lasted a few seconds before I realized that Jake was kissing me and I freaked out. Jake apologized and ran off, leaving me completely dazed and confused.
So here I sit, hours later, still dazed and even more confused. I've had plenty of time to replay every second over and over in my mind. Instead of that helping me to find answers, it's only given me more questions. I realized something that I don't even want to think about much less say, but I liked that kiss. I enjoyed that kiss. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt good. It felt right and for a brief moment I gave in to it and kissed him back. Oh god...it hurts just to see those words on the screen. 'I kissed him back.' It was total pleasure and total horror all at once.
So what does that mean? Am I gay? Does one small kiss make you gay?
Can I even say it was just one small kiss? What about all the other little things that have happened? Just the other night I laid awake for hours thinking about how good Jake smelled! How screwed up is that? And then there's Jake's smile...every time I even so much as think about Jake's smile...I smile. He doesn't even have to be there, all I do is think about what a great smile he has and I end up smiling. That has to prove something is wrong with me. If that weren't enough there's Jake's eyes. He has really amazing, intense green eyes. Just the fact that I know what color Jake's eyes are, should tell me I've switched sides. I've probably met every guy in this school at some point and couldn't tell you what color eyes even one of them had. So why do I know that Jake's eyes are hazel and that he has these long eyelashes that move like tiny little fans.
'Tiny little fans?' Oh god...it's worse than I thought. I have to be totally queer to have even come up with those words!
But in all honesty, it was the eyes and the smile that had me unable to move or look away on the roof. I was stunned by them. Sure we were talking about girls and sex, but when I looked up and saw him looking at me like he was - I was lost. His eyes were so intense. Like they were laughing, but at the same time, so incredibly somber and mysterious. His lips looked so soft and just seemed to scream "kiss me!" When he did kiss me, it was... It was...god, I don't even know how to describe it. Electric, maybe? Because my lips were all tingly even after Jake pulled away. I kept wiping my lips, trying to erase what had happened, but the feeling wouldn't go away.
If Jake were a girl, I'd be shouting from the rooftops that I'd met the love of my life. I'd want everyone to know what an incredible girl I'd met and how lucky I was that she'd kissed me. But Jake isn't a girl and the last thing I want to do is shout this from the rooftop. Jump off the rooftop? Maybe. Shout that Jake kissed me and I liked it? Absolutely not.
So I'm still left with the question - what does all this mean? Am I gay? I never thought I was before, but can I deny how that kiss felt? I mean there's a part of my brain that is stomping around swearing up and down that I'm totally hetero and making lists of the women I've lusted after to prove it. But then there is this other part of my brain that can't stop thinking about Jake and keeps wondering what it would be like to kiss him again.
Is the answer to my question right there?
Author: Debi
Email: IanFan9@aol.com
Feeback: Pretty please? Good or bad...
Rating: PG-13
Category: Jake and Hamilton (as if I could write something without them...)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!
Summary: This is a companion piece to "Dear Diary". It starts after the kiss in the pilot. Later that night, Hamilton can't stop thinking about Jake kissing him. He needs to talk to someone about what happened, but doesn't have anyone he can tell. Laying awake, unable to sleep, he gets his laptop and starts a journal.
Spoilers: There's nothing to spoil.
Thanks: To Ev for encouraging me to run with my crazy ideas. And to a certain guy for breaking my heart and making me think about men non-stop lately.
July 16, 2000
I'm not really sure how to do this. I've never kept a journal before. Actually, I never felt like I needed to before, but so much has happened. I'm so confused. I really need a way to get this all out. I'd like to talk to someone, tell someone...but who could I tell? Who could I trust with something like this? I'd never tell my mom about this and it's not like I have people lining up outside the door just waiting to be best friends with me...the Dean's son. And who could I talk to that would understand? Understand that a guy kissed me...and I liked it...and that I can't stop thinking about him.
Who could I tell that to? Who would understand and keep quiet about it? No one. That's the answer...no one. I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this. So I guess I'll use this computer and talk to myself. (See, I knew I was losing my mind.) Computers keep secrets better than people do anyway.
The reason for my mass confusion and sudden need for a confidant?
Jake.
Jake Pratt arrived at Rawley Academy 11 days ago and my life hasn't been the same since.
Even though this year is my first year as an actual student, I started it the same way I've started the last several years - at my favorite dorm window with camera in hand. I was taking pictures of the girl's campus when I heard a motorcycle. Now, motorcycles aren't allowed on campus, so naturally, I was curious as to who would bring a bike to school. It's not the usual mode of transportation for the Rawley set, either. I found the rider through my camera lens. Not your typical Rawley student at all, leather jacket, jeans, boots, black motorcycle... My curiosity was definitely piqued. Who would have the balls to bring a bike here? Surely, he had to know it was illegal. My father hates rule-breakers, so of course, I just had to find out more.
I tried to catch up to him several times, but he always managed to get away before I could say anything. The first crew practice provided a better opportunity. I tried starting a conversation, but he was harder to get information out of than I am! Crew practice came and went and I still didn't know anything about Jake. Well...except that he wore sweats and a sweatshirt in July and swam fully clothed.
I tried a different tactic and went to his room the next day. Finally, I got some information. Jake's mom pays less attention to him than my dad does to me. He's changed schools 6 times and his mother didn't even notice. Now, my father may be wrapped up in being the almighty Dean of Rawley Academy, but I think he'd notice if I changed schools! If for no other reason than it would make him look bad since his own son changed schools.
I also learned that Jake is seriously into computers and basically unbeatable at video games. We talked and played games all afternoon. I lost every time, but it was great. I had finally met someone I could be comfortable around. Someone who didn't seem to care that my father was the Dean. Someone who spent more time than I did looking for ways to get around the rules. Someone who was even less impressed with the whole "Rawley guy" thing than I was. Someone I could really be friends with.
Then I noticed how good Jake smelled. The guy constantly wears this ball cap, so as we were leaving to grab dinner, I grabbed it off his head and tried it on. No big deal, right? Wrong. When I tried it on, I noticed how nice it smelled. Before my brain realized what my mouth was doing, I had basically told Jake he smelled good. Great way to get a reputation as a fruitcake, huh? I don't know why I said it, but later that night I realized that Jake does smell good. And not just that one time - all the time. The guys around here are usually drowning in expensive colognes. You can smell them coming a mile away, but Jake's not like that at all. He smells fresh - fresh? God, I am turning into a fruitcake. Seriously though, he smells so good, like in a soap-and-baby-powder-clean kind of way. I laid awake half the night thinking about Jake and then spent the other half of the night telling myself to stop thinking about Jake.
The next day, I swore I was going to stay away from Jake, but I found myself at his door before I realized where I was going. He didn't mention the "smells good" thing and we ended up hanging out and having fun like nothing weird had happened. I was so relieved I hadn't ruined a friendship before it really began.
Yesterday, I helped him move his bike to a better hiding place. Where he had it is way too close to the main driveway to be a good hiding spot. After that we went back to the dorm and spent the day just hanging out. Jake is easy to talk to and I found myself telling him things I've never told anyone before. I was more relaxed and happy that night when I went home than I can remember being in a long time. I think I even dreamed about Jake because this morning the first thing I remember thinking was "I can't wait to see Jake again."
That should have been my clue that something was seriously wrong. Why would a guy's first thought in the morning be about another guy? But, I didn't see it that way then and as soon as I was dressed, I went back to Jake's room. He had hacked into some website and we were trying to play this new game, but the connection was too slow and it wasn't running right. When he suggested we needed a satellite hookup, I immediately thought of the satellite dish on the roof. Since Play Station and Nintendo are about the extent of my computer expertise, this was kinda my chance to contribute something. Maybe even show off a little. I know every inch of this school and finding the satellite hookup was no big deal. The extra satellite connection was ready in no time.
What I wasn't ready for was the connection between Jake and I.
Somehow we ended up leaning against the roof ledge staring into each other's eyes and then Jake kissed me. It only lasted a few seconds before I realized that Jake was kissing me and I freaked out. Jake apologized and ran off, leaving me completely dazed and confused.
So here I sit, hours later, still dazed and even more confused. I've had plenty of time to replay every second over and over in my mind. Instead of that helping me to find answers, it's only given me more questions. I realized something that I don't even want to think about much less say, but I liked that kiss. I enjoyed that kiss. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt good. It felt right and for a brief moment I gave in to it and kissed him back. Oh god...it hurts just to see those words on the screen. 'I kissed him back.' It was total pleasure and total horror all at once.
So what does that mean? Am I gay? Does one small kiss make you gay?
Can I even say it was just one small kiss? What about all the other little things that have happened? Just the other night I laid awake for hours thinking about how good Jake smelled! How screwed up is that? And then there's Jake's smile...every time I even so much as think about Jake's smile...I smile. He doesn't even have to be there, all I do is think about what a great smile he has and I end up smiling. That has to prove something is wrong with me. If that weren't enough there's Jake's eyes. He has really amazing, intense green eyes. Just the fact that I know what color Jake's eyes are, should tell me I've switched sides. I've probably met every guy in this school at some point and couldn't tell you what color eyes even one of them had. So why do I know that Jake's eyes are hazel and that he has these long eyelashes that move like tiny little fans.
'Tiny little fans?' Oh god...it's worse than I thought. I have to be totally queer to have even come up with those words!
But in all honesty, it was the eyes and the smile that had me unable to move or look away on the roof. I was stunned by them. Sure we were talking about girls and sex, but when I looked up and saw him looking at me like he was - I was lost. His eyes were so intense. Like they were laughing, but at the same time, so incredibly somber and mysterious. His lips looked so soft and just seemed to scream "kiss me!" When he did kiss me, it was... It was...god, I don't even know how to describe it. Electric, maybe? Because my lips were all tingly even after Jake pulled away. I kept wiping my lips, trying to erase what had happened, but the feeling wouldn't go away.
If Jake were a girl, I'd be shouting from the rooftops that I'd met the love of my life. I'd want everyone to know what an incredible girl I'd met and how lucky I was that she'd kissed me. But Jake isn't a girl and the last thing I want to do is shout this from the rooftop. Jump off the rooftop? Maybe. Shout that Jake kissed me and I liked it? Absolutely not.
So I'm still left with the question - what does all this mean? Am I gay? I never thought I was before, but can I deny how that kiss felt? I mean there's a part of my brain that is stomping around swearing up and down that I'm totally hetero and making lists of the women I've lusted after to prove it. But then there is this other part of my brain that can't stop thinking about Jake and keeps wondering what it would be like to kiss him again.
Is the answer to my question right there?
