Disclaimer: I don't own House or any of the characters, though I do wish I owned Thirteen...
"Burgers!" Kutner announced as he entered the Diagnostics office one Thursday morning. The sun was out and he'd decided that it was time for some comfort food. He was sick of watching House on Vicodin; and Taub on coffee and cookies; and Foreman munching on four PB&Js a day; and Thirteen stabbing randomly at random crap in a Starbucks bag; so he'd stopped by…no, not McDonald's, like a cheapass…he'd stopped by Moo Burgers, where they char-grilled their patties and served them with real tomato and lettuce.
"Kutner! It's great to see you," House said in a way that told Kutner today wasn't the best day to be late. "Well, at least you brought food, but you'll notice that your colleagues are off treating a patient whose arms and legs are in danger of falling off within the next…ooh, three hours now. With no apparent cause."
"Well, maybe some Moo Burgers will help them think. I'll go see if the patient needs any lab work done…" Kutner scurried off before House made any more comments.
"Where the hell were you?" Foreman asked as Kutner sheepishly stuck his head into the patient's room. Taub and Thirteen were inside as well, taking some time away from checking the patients' appendages to give him a dirty look. "I got burgers," Kutner said desperately. "Doesn't that count for anything?" When he didn't receive a response, he added, "Do we need any lab work done? Scans?"
"That's more like it," Foreman said. He took half a PB&J from his pocket and began to munch on it. "We'll see about those burgers when you're done with his blood work, spinal tap, urine and fecal samples." He gave Kutner a polite smile.
Several hours later, an exhausted Kutner returned to the Diagnostics office with results for all the tests. To his horror, all the burgers were gone. "You didn't save any for me?" he yelled. House's mouth was stuffed full of beef and tomato as he muttered, "I was hungry." Kutner rolled his eyes, then noticed a still-wrapped burger in front of Thirteen. "Why aren't you eating?" he asked.
"Because I don't want to," Thirteen said calmly.
"Can I have it, then?" Kutner asked with a little less reserve.
"Sure," was the response he got, to his immense satisfaction.
"So, Thirteen, veggie or vegan?" asked House.
"How do you know I'm whether I'm a veggie, a vegan or someone who just doesn't want Moo Burgers?" Thirteen retorted.
"Your Starbucks bags never have fish, meat, eggs or dairy in them. Vegan, I guess."
"Never assume, House. It makes an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'.
That sucked. Sorry. I seem to have temporarily lost my touch. I'll be back on my feet soon, I promise.
