Note: This is a response to a prompt. I did it for the lulz.
To My Most Esteemed Revenge Journal;
I have finally come to the conclusion that something must be done about that traitorous serpent I once desired for a friend. For the purpose of exacting my most elegantly crafted plot of vengeance, I sent an invitation to Jade and his lackeys to Keterburg.
It is a glorious trap, dear journal! I shall have the lackeys ambushed by those exquisitely clever fon machines of mine and take Jade for myself. I have gone to the trouble of purchasing a spare fon slot seal should he prove to be the truculent brute military life has turned him into, and made adjustments enough to weaken him to a more amenable temperament. In the event that he might still resist, I've acquired a sample of chloroform from Belkend. Crude, perhaps, but I will not be outmaneuvered again!
The Kaiser Dist X has been specially programmed to bind him and take him to one of several locations depending on their availability at the time of abduction. Peony's old mansion holds a certain nostalgic appeal, but is much too closely watched for my comfort. Nevertheless, all locations are properly equipped to exact my rapturous revenge.
O my dear journal, how I anticipate his arrival! Once he is weakened, he will be dressed in a manner more suited to his position in my beautiful scheme. He will be resplendent in the Sheridan-forged chains I commissioned and the nips and bruises that shall mar his skin. He will be forced to pay attention to me at last, my journal! I shall steal his venomous words with the touches I have ever longed to torture him with! I shall turn his hateful, mocking, glaring eyes into garnet orbs gleaming with passion! With every thrust of my mighty, velvet-sheathed mythril rod into his heavenly love canal, I will impress upon him my worth. I am to be respected, my journal! As respected to him as I once was!
And when I bring him to the peak of carnal delight, my revenge will be complete and he will accept me once again!
My dearest secret-keeper, my heart quickens at the thought! I cannot wait!
When Nephry called him to her office, Jade prepared himself for a number of admonitions concerning his imprisonment of Dist. Don't be so hard on him, perhaps, or you two were once friends. Perhaps she would even scold him for shamelessly rummaging through Dist's belongings, which he was, by law, quite entitled to.
The scowl on her face when he sauntered in was, however, a bit more serious than he expected for the inconsequential misdemeanor of looking for evidence to support the charges against Dist the Runny. His smile never faltered. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"I know you read that journal of his," Nephry stated. "I would appreciate it if you never bring up the contents in his presence. It won't do to antagonize him."
Jade's voice was, as ever, quite cheerful. "Yes, yes, we can't have Saphir run at the nose again. It would be a waste of perfectly good tissues."
Unsurprisingly, his dear sister found no humor in the matter. "I mean it, Jade. He's-"
"A lonely, wasted soul clinging to dead memories," he finished helpfully.
Her eyes narrowed at him, and perhaps he would be merciful for now. "Our friend. For the sake of the past, won't you at least pretend to forget whatever you read?"
"If you insist."
The ever-present smile remained pleasant as Jade's thoughts returned to that ridiculous journal. Oh, he'd never let Dist hear the end of it.
