A/N – Due to the fact I have recently just finished reading 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' and I watched the film yesterday, I'm in the mood to do something Pride and Prejudice-esque. It's a bit silly but I hope you like it. Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always.

Chapter One – Tattoos and Tongue Chains

It is a fact universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of large fortune must be beating off hormonal, love-stricken females with a stick.

And so it was. Mr Charles Bingley, recently moved to the country from London, found himself unable to move two centimetres to the left or right, for fear of stepping on the dainty feet of a gagging female, determined to make herself known to him.

"Jesus!" He said to his sister, Caroline, as women flung themselves at the walls of the carriage they were now riding in, occasionally managing to grab hold of the railings before one of the footmen forcibly removed them with the barrel of his musket. "What the hell am I going to do?"

Caroline made no reply, as she was too busy ogling the other occupant of the carriage, displaying a facial expression that was quite possibly supposed to be alluring but instead made her look like she had some sort of interior growth, one that was causing her severe discomfort. Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy (what a name!) was sulking in the far corner of the carriage, experimenting with different ways of making his eyebrows look bushier than they actually were.

Bingley sighed.

"You're not paying attention to me, are you?" He addressed the carriage at large. The answer was the continued ogling from Caroline and the occasional eyebrow jerk from Darcy. Bingley glared at the two of them and settled into a silence as thick and awkward as Mr Bean. The silence was only broken when one woman chucked herself at the side of the carriage so hard she almost cracked the glass.

The miserable party were on their way to the Public Ball, an event none of them were particularly enthusiastic about. Bingley was scared of the women he may encounter there, Caroline was scared of the commoners she may encounter there and Darcy was scared of the carpet. It's a long story why.

The carriage looped around the narrow streets of Merryton and Caroline grimaced as she stared out at the darkened streets. The houses were old and dirty, riddled with rats and filth. Even though it was dark, poor people still roamed the streets and Caroline recoiled from the window, disgusted, even through a thick pane of glass.

The Town Hall was fairly small, and people were pouring out of it into the street, all dressed in their best. Caroline sniffed.

"This is ridiculous." She said, turning to her brother who was nervously eyeing the crowd of women swarming around the carriage doors. "They're all poor people here. You know how much I hate poor people." Charles turned his head towards her slightly, still keeping his eyes on the rabid, dribbling women.

"Sorry," He said, his eyes full of terror. "What was that?"

Caroline sniffed again and opened the door of the carriage and stepped out. Darcy, jerked out of his eyebrow abundant reverie, followed. Bingley nervously picked his way through the crowd behind them, occasionally batting women away with his cane.

Inside, the ball had already begun and music was booming from an iPod dock from the future. Everyone was bobbing up and down in time with the Black Eyed Peas, even though they wouldn't be born for roughly another three hundred years. Sometimes that's just the way things roll.

In the corner of the room, submerged in a cloud of tobacco smoke, Elizabeth Bennet sucked on her cigarette and turned to her sister Jane, who was showing off her new tattoo.

"Wot is it?" Lizzy asked.

"One o' dem fings..." Jane explained, pulling down the lacy neckline of her gown so that she could show her sister properly. "...yer know. Wot dead people 'ave instead of 'eads."

"Wot..." Lizzy said, furrowing her brow. "...a skull?"

"Yeah." Jane said, prodding it with her finger. "Good innit?"

"Yeah. Who did it for yer?"

"That new Wickham bloke. He's dead good, not like that Forster tit. He was crap."

"Shit..." Lizzy nodded her head in agreement. Only the other day, Lizzy had gone to Merryton tattoo parlour to have a bracelet of barbed wire done around her ankle, only to be informed by the former owner, Forster, that he was going to have to do it up her shin as he wasn't very good at corners.

It was then that the two sisters noticed the addition to the room. Three people were standing in the doorway. A sandy haired man, a dark haired man and a sandy haired lady. The Black Eyed Peas had been shut up and everyone was staring at the new arrivals. Elizabeth immediately knew who they were; only this morning her mother had informed them on the arrival of Mr Bingley.

"Netherfield Park is, like, let and shit." Mrs Bennet had said over the breakfast table, twiddling her lip stud between her fingers.

"So?" Mr Bennet had replied, putting on his morning bling. "Like, what has that got to do with me? I, like, really don't care."

"Come on, you idiot!" Mrs Bennet said, only she didn't say 'idiot'. She said something else. Rude. "You must want him to get with one o' da girls." Mr Bennet looked blank. The five daughters of Mr Bennet all looked up from their breakfasts of KFC and stared at their mother.

"It's like ooooooooooooooo my god!" Lydia said, her tongue chain clinking as she talked. "I bet he's like, well fit."

"Foschizzle" Kitty agreed.

And so Lizzy and Jane knew exactly who the arrivals were.

The party soon resumed, although the atmosphere was a lot tenser, probably due to the fact that around fifty rabid women had just fallen in through the door and were now being forcibly ejected. Lizzy pulled her cigarette out of her mouth , threw it on the floor and stamped on it.

Time for some action.

A/N – What do you think? I know it's a bit weird but I was in the mood for silliness. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading. - Ashabagawa