This is the second part of my Eating disorder collection (note to self, think of a better name later). The first is Courage; read that first.
ALSO, THERE IS A PARAGRAPH IN LEO'S DREAM THAT IS ITALICIZED. IT DEALS WITH DEATH AND BLOOD, SO READ THAT AT YOUR OWN RISK (damn those awful nightmares demigods are cursed with...)
Disclaimer: I own nothing
WARNINGS: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. NONGRAPHIC SEXUAL ABUSE (ITALICIZED IF YOU WANT TO SKIP IT), SOME BLOOD
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame
-"Breathe Me" by Sia
Everything is going great for Leo until Percy and Annabeth fall into Tarturas.
He's eating; he's gotten rid of all of his self harm objects, including his hand held pencil sharpeners and his razor blades. He hasn't purged in more than a week. He's talking to people, sharing his past, and his panic attacks have dwindled since his recovery first started.
But then, Arachne pulls Annabeth into Tartarus and drags Percy down with her, and Leo feels like he's falling with them.
Leo distracts himself by doing repairs, inventing, training, and a hundred other things, which helps take his mind away from the missing Heroes of Olympus. But in distracting himself, he forgets to eat.
That's okay, though. He's been so numb since Percy and Annabeth fell, and... the emptiness in his stomach gnaws at him, painfully. But it's proof he's in here. It's proof he's alive.
The others haven't noticed. Leo doesn't even make an effort to pretend he's eating or hiding his food. They're all so worried about Percy and Annabeth that they forgot about Leo's recovery all together, and they didn't think the disappearance of their friends would jeopardise it.
But it did, and even though Percy and Annabeth are in Hell, Leo is, too, and all three of their lives are in danger.
One morning, Leo wakes up far too early: five AM. As his recovery dissolves into a relapse, his insomnia has started to creep back in, too, right along with the Voice.
Leo lies in bed for twenty minutes, too exhausted to stand. He'd almost forgotten how tired not eating makes you; it's only been a week and a half since his recovery started, but it seems like years.
Finally, Leo manages to roll himself out of bed, and he walks to the bathroom.
When he looks in the mirror, he no longer sees a fat boy with multiple chins and rolls of squishy flesh. No, that image vanished, and now, he sees a starved child. He sees a boy with ribs sticking out of his stomach; he sees a boy with his spine jutting out of his back; he sees a boy with sunken in cheeks and dark circles under his eyes.
This should make him stop. It doesn't.
He takes a deep breath and stands on the scale, watching as the red numbers blink to form three numbers:
83.2
He doesn't feel like he needs to lose weight, but he wants to because he can control it. Those numbers on the scale are something he can control, just like calories. He can't control what's happening to his friends down in Hell; he can't control the emotions and the guilt of the other or himself; he can't control the threat back at Camp Half Blood. But he can control the numbers.
Leo's stomach growls, and he simply grabs some water and chugs it, knowing it'll fill up his stomach.
He loves how to wet coolness slips down his throat and into the empty well he calls a stomach. It makes him feel proud that that is all in his stomach, and Leo knows he's sick to think like this, but he doesn't care anymore. Whatever progress he made in the past week and a half evaporates before his eyes.
Leo goes to the kitchen and makes coffee, and he downs five cups, and that's before breakfast.
After coffee, Leo travels to the training room, where he exercises for ywo hours. He does his usual exercise routine, consisting of sit ups, push ups, and such, before doing his actual training with swordmanship and battle technique.
Once the clock strikes seven, Leo yawns and puts away his dagger before showering.
After he gets ready, he does some repairs before going to the Mess hall, knowing the others are already there.
He sits down and takes an apple, but nothing more; as he nibbles on his breakfast, he sips water between bites to fill him up faster.
"Leo, how close are to the Doors of Death?" Jason asks.
"Well, no interruptions, three days, but when you factor in monsters attack, it may be longer than that."
"Damn it!" Piper growls. "Can't we go any faster?"
"Piper-" Leo begins.
"No. Percy and Annabeth are in Tarturas; don't you care about what happens to them?"
Everyone falls silent, waiting for Leo's retort.
"You fucking bitch," Leo snaps, and he sees all of their eyes widen before he tosses the apple, which he only took three bites out of, into the garbage and storms out.
When Leo arrives at his room, he grabs a shoebox out from under the bed and removes the lid.
It isn't That Shoebox; this one is filled with food, and he stares at it before slamming the lid back down and tossing it under the bed.
Exhausted, Leo stands and crawls into bed, curling up under the covers.
Everyone hates you, the Voice yells.
I know, Leo says back.
It's your fault Percy and Annabeth fell into Tarturas.
I know.
You deserve to die!
...I know.
The Voice falls silent for a second.
I'm your only friend, It finally says. I'll always be here.
Leo almost smiles.
I know. Thank you.
Leo can almost feel a presence beside him, and he feels warmth seeping into him. His stomach doesn't ache so badly; his heart doesn't crack with each beat.
He knows that the Voice is both friend and enemy. The Voice is both angel and demon. It can be caring, but It is manipulative, just like the Devil.
And really, Leo should no better than to dance with the Devil.
Leo doesn't come out of his room until lunch; there, he swallows some diet coke just to keep him awake.
He only eats a plate of vegetables, and everyone is too busy discussing the Doors of Death to notice.
He understands, but a small part of him wishes they would notice.
Upon returning to his room, Leo can only think about food. He thinks about chocolate and chips and all the foods he wants to eat but can't; he wants to eat, to binge, even.
Leo pops some gum in his mouth and starts sketching some blue prints to distract himself.
He can't give up. He can't surrender the control.
He does his exercise routine later, and he curls up in bed, falling asleep almost instantly.
Leo doesn't sleep for long, however; he wakes up thirty minutes later, and even though he's exhausted, slumber does not return.
Monsters attack the ship, and Leo throws fire before returning to his room. He's almost scared to be around the others because if he passes out again, there's no getting out of eating.
At dinner, he eats some lettuce with salt and pepper, hoping to trick his brain into thinking it's not just a leafy vegetable with seasoning. The salt gives it the flavor his body craves; the pepper spikes his blood sugar.
He stares at the other plates, wishing he could eat without worrying about the calories or the weight.
But most of all, he wishes they would see him. They would see he wasn't eating, and they would help.
But they don't see. The don't ask. And Leo doesn't tell.
And deep down, Leo knows the truth:
He's miserable, and there's no one else to blame but him.
Back in his room, Leo stares at The Shoebox.
Looking at the photographs and the articles will make this worse, but he can't help it.
He immediately finds the article about Him, and he starts crying.
An arm wrapped around his waist...
Lips against his face and neck...
A hand rubbing down his chest...
A silky voice whispering dirty things in his ear...
A hand touching him where he doesn't want to be touched...
Leo slams the article into the box and chucks it across the room, watching as it slams into the wall, and its contents spill out.
On shaky legs, Leo stands and traverses the room, stopping to kneel on the floor.
His trembling fingers seek out a photograph- the picture of him and Mamá.
"Lo siento," he whispers. "Lo siento, Mamá."
Leo dreams of blood. It drips down his hands, into his eyes, and it covers his clothing.
Around him are bodies. His Mamá burned to a crisp, unrecognizable except for her glassy brown eyes. Maria lying on the ground with a cut on her temple and blood dripping out of a tear in her shirt. Bradon and Alexis, littered with stab wounds, staring up at him from where they lie, holding hands. Madison bleeding from her head, crimson dripping onto the ground. His foster brother, Jake, and his foster mother, Terra, sopping wet, having drowned in a lake after a car accident. Hollie hanging by her neck across from him.
Leo screams.
It can't possible get worse, he thinks.
It gets worse.
Several people appear from nowhere, closing in on him. Teresa; Tia Rosa; Jake Abbot; Sir; his fourth foster father and his numerous children; Him; Blake, Cruella, and other gang members; the bullies he'd faced.
They cackled, hands reaching out to grab him, to take him, to hurt him... to claim him.
Leo does what he does best: he runs.
Shoving people out of the way, he screeches for help that will never come and races as fast as his feet will carry him.
Hands wrap around his midsdction, and he'd recognize them anywhere; he screams louder.
"Shh, none of that," He purrs.
He gives up the fight; He's much stronger than Leo, and Leo knows he won't be able to escape. Leo trembles in the man's grasp.
A hand twists into his curls, and his head is jerked back.
A voice chuckles, cruelly, in his ear.
"You filthy, little slut."
Leo cries as he wakes up, crying, screaming, and striking at his mattress and the wall.
Calming down, Leo runs his hands over his bed, realizing that he's on the Argo II and that he's alone. He cries in relief, trying to convince himself that He can't hurt him anymore.
But isn't He hurting him right now?
What did you think? This chapter was more to show how Leo's eating disorder is developing and becoming even worse than before, so there wasn't a whole lot of dialogue or action, but not all the chapters will just be a lay out of what Leo did during the day. This was to show what a day can be like for a person with an eating disorder.
Also, sorry for any typos, but the website kept deleting my progress, and I didn't want to have to keep thoroughly editing it, so I did my best with what I had.
