NOTE:: The awesome catpats31 helpfully alerted me to a copyright violation that I really should have thought about before I posted this but oops, stupid moment haha. The offending lyrics have been removed and replaced with placeholders until I can be bothered to go back and make this flow without them (which will probably be never, btw). In the mean time, if you want to know what's being sung, go look at the lyrics on a website with the appropriate copyright permissions lol. This is why you don't skim read the content guidelines, kids!
A/N: So I was reading a fic that mentioned Alex and Kara having a choreographed routine to Bye Bye Bye and then another that mentioned an alien karaoke bar (I'm trying to hunt down the exact ones so they can be appropriately credited for the inspiration) and then I was listening to Anya Marina's cover of Whatever You Like by T.I. and well... this happened. It's crack-y and stupid but I couldn't get it out of my head so here we are. Apologies in advance for the mess that follows.
I've vaguely edited it but I'm sure some mistakes slipped through, don't kill me for it. Apologies to all the Americans out there but I just couldn't do it so you're stuck with British English. Except for mom. I lowered myself to mom.
All the usual disclaimers apply, I don't anything blah blah blah.
"You could ah... just sing the song. I checked, they have it," chimed in Samantha from across the table and Lena found herself regretting every life decision that had lead her to this moment.
She could go back 10 years to that night in Boston and regret ever being in the same goddamn karaoke bar as Sam when she was so upset at Lillian that she just wanted to get sloshed and laid. But then, she might not have such an excellently competent acting CEO to look after L-Corp while she got to grips with owning a media empire she had no idea how to run. Plus, the sex was fantastic so no, she couldn't actually regret that night.
She could regret the aforementioned media empire. If she didn't have that, she wouldn't need an acting CEO and she could go back to comfortably regretting her drunken, musical seduction. Unfortunately though, no matter how much she may publicly protest, she had in fact bought Catco for Kara. It hadn't technically been a favour because Kara hadn't technically asked her to buy it but she had asked her to talk to Edge and when that semi-sentient snotrag had predictably failed to listen, Lena had taken matters into her own hands, or rather, her own wallet.
Lena was a Luthor, and as a Luthor she was not one to leap blindly into ventures for which she was radically unprepared except in this case where she'd jumped in with all 750 million feet first. And why? Because she couldn't bear even the thought of the look of devastation that would cross Kara's face if Edge pulled off his takeover. Protecting the sanctity of the free press from a man hell-bent on twisting it for his own gain was a nice bonus but what Lena was really most interested in was making Kara smile. Which she did, once the shock of Lena's somewhat tentative confession had worn off. She had beamed that megawatt smile which could power the electrical grid of the whole western seaboard if only Lena could devise a method to harness it and the CEO's heart had clenched painfully inside her chest for reasons she preferred to ignore. Lena could never regret making Kara smile like that so she'd have to choose something else.
She could regret ever agreeing to grace Winn Schott's birthday gathering with her presence but the "FBI" agent (Lena was almost offended that they insisted on maintaining these ridiculous excuses when she'd figured out the DEO months ago) wasn't as dim as he might first appear, instead having the presence of mind to enlist Kara to deliver the invitation. Kara herself might be oblivious to Lena's minor infatuation problem (if she was honest it was a major infatuation problem and she had no idea how Kara hadn't noticed since Lena had literally filled her office with flowers) but the nerdy little man Lena had bonded with slightly at the Danvers' game nights did not share Kara's cluelessness. Agent Schott showed no qualms about ruthlessly exploiting her pathological inability to turn the younger Danvers down and when Kara had come bouncing into her office all ponytail, pastel sweater and joy there was never a chance Lena was going to say no. Saying yes had landed her here, in a dingy, undoubtedly unsanitary alien bar down an alley off 5th on Karaoke Thursday, but Kara had smiled that smile and clapped her hands together like an overexcited baby seal and it was agonisingly adorable. Lena could never regret bearing witness to that sight so that left her shit out of regret options.
So it turned out Lena couldn't genuinely regret any of the decisions that had resulted in her current predicament but she could still curse all the gods she didn't believe in for putting her in this position.
Mr Olsen, interestingly enough, had opened proceedings with a highly amusing rendition of Mariah Carey's 'Fantasy' in his deep baritone before the Danvers sisters took the stage for a ...Baby One More Time duet complete with choreography perfected over hours of practice in their shared teenage bedroom. Kara was solidly decent but Alex, bless her, was completely atrocious. And loud. Lena couldn't be sure how much of the vocal shortcoming was down to a natural lack of talent and how much was down to the already considerable volume of alcohol Alex had consumed (her post break-up drinking was still going strong) but either way it had been trying on the ears. Winn had subjected them all to his best Charlie Puth impression which wasn't particularly good but at least it was a substantial improvement on Alex's Britney. Sam had broken out a viable impression of Pat Benatar with Hit Me With Your Best Shot and as soon as she returned to their table Lena felt all eyes turn to her.
"So Lena..." began Winn, resting his chin in his palms with his fingers on his cheeks in a failed attempt to look cherubic.
"You're up," finished Alex who was positively tickled by the prospect of forcing Lena Luthor into karaoke.
"I agreed to attend, I did not agree to participate," Lena tried, knowing full well it wasn't going to get her anywhere.
"Participation was implicit in the invitation," countered Kara and Lena quirked an eyebrow at the argument.
"I don't think that would be defensible as a binding contract in court."
"Are you threatening to sue me to get out of karaoke?"
"Maybe."
And that's where Sam came in. As soon as those fateful words started falling out of her mouth, Lena glared at her with a viciousness that had made many-a man in the boardroom cower but Sam was undeterred. She smirked at her kind-of boss as the supposedly secret superfriends latched on to that tidbit of information.
"Ooooh, you've got a song? I wanna hear the song!" That was Winn.
"You're not getting away now. Get your ass on stage Luthor." That was Alex.
"This is going to be classic." That was James, said with a belly-laugh into his beer.
Lena shifted her gaze to Kara, her entire face pleading for her best friend to save her but the reporter's mouth just turned up at the edges as she pointed at the front of the room and ordered, "go."
Lena huffed out a long-suffering sigh and took an inappropriately large gulp of her scotch before snagging her blazer off the back of her chair and slipping it onto her shoulders as she stepped away from the safety of their table. She made it four feet before she spun back around to Winn.
"If I do this I'm not buying you a Christmas present."
"That's fine, it's worth it," he replied litlingly with a barely suppressed giggle.
"I'm literally the second richest woman in National City, you'd be missing out."
That did give him pause but after a moment or two of contemplation Lena received the answer she'd been dreading.
"Nope, you still gotta sing."
Her face twisted into a grimace and Lena sighed again before turning on her very expensive heels and striding towards the stage. She could hear Alex and Sam hooting and hollering at her from a distance but she abjectly ignored them as she skirted around the edge of the crowd with her chin up and her back rod-straight. She may be emotionally slouched but she wouldn't let that impact her impeccable posture, especially not in public. She took her place as next in line and stood with her hands on her hips as a tipsy Grenolian finished his enthusiastic interpretation of I Wanna Dance With Somebody.
Back in the middle of the room Alex leaned across Kara to stage whisper conspiratorially at Sam.
"How much for the story of how you know Luthor's sung karaoke before?"
"Ha ha ha," Sam fake laughed. "Millions."
"Oh come on, it can't be that good," Alex complained and Sam fixed her with a stare.
"It is. Plus, Lena would fire me at best and kill me at worst so I deserve compensation."
"The D- erm, FBI doesn't pay me well enough for that," Alex whined and Kara rolled her eyes behind her glasses. The DEO didn't pay Supergirl at all.
"I guess it'll have to remain a mystery then," Sam mocked as though it was a tragedy.
"Can I haggle you down? Say a grand?" Alex bargained and Sam narrowed her eyes.
"Would you pay me a grand?"
"Would you accept a grand?"
"Absolutely not."
Alex groaned and Kara shook her head at her sister's antics, smug in her knowledge that if she asked nicely enough she would absolutely get the details out of Lena.
A hush fell over the official and unofficial Superfriends as Lena took to the stage after the Grenolian staggered off it. The anticipation was almost palpable. Alex tapped out a little drum roll and Kara determinedly didn't think about how attractive her best friend looked bathed in performance lighting (it was super hot).
Lena had taken a deep breath before ascending the stairs because if she was doing this she was going to do it properly. She found herself abundantly grateful for the Dutch courage flowing through her system as she set up with her eyes shut, one hand cradling the mic and the other gripping the stand. Her last thought before the music dropped was that she hoped nobody filmed this and uploaded it to Twitter.
[Lyrics line 1-4]
Lena's head swayed from side to side as she crooned, her lips mere millimetres from the microphone before her eyes flashed open.
[Line 5]
Kara choked on her own tongue.
[Line 6-8]
The Kryptonian tried to cover up her spluttering by taking a giant swig of her coke, eyes glued to the CEO who was shrugging off her blazer and draping it over the mic stand.
[Line 9-10]
As soon as Kara swallowed her drink her mouth was immediately bone dry again, her jaw gormlessly hanging open slightly.
[Line 11-12]
"Five million dollar home? Try 750 million dollar business," Sam scoffed quietly and Alex side-eyed her quizzically while Kara, despite the whole super-hearing thing, was too transfixed to have picked it up.
[Line 13-14]
The Luthor pulled the mic out of the stand and strutted slowly across the front of the stage towards the steps.
You want it, I got it, go get it, I'll buy it
Tell them other broke brothers "be quiet!"
"Is it hotter because she really is really really rich?" Winn mused and James looked at him judgmentally while Lena descended the stairs to whistles from the other bar patrons.
[Line 15-18]
A monster greener than kryptonite clawed at Kara's gut as Lena weaved her way through the heaving crowd, trailing her hands over arms, backs, and shoulders, stopping on occasion to serenade any woman who particularly caught her attention.
[Line 19-20]
It took all of Kara's self control not to shatter the glass in her hand.
[Line 21-22]
Sam had to bite back a thousand snarky and suggestive comments as she watched Kara's jaw work furiously as the reporter watched Lena wrap herself around a tall, scantily clad Almeracian woman.
[Line 23-24]
Lena moved on to a woman in full leather biker kit and Sam barely managed to restrain her laugh at the jealously rolling off Kara in waves. Those two really needed to get their shit together.
[Line 25-26]
The dark-haired CEO broke out of the mini mosh pit that had formed at the front of the room and started stalking towards her group in the middle of the bar.
[Line 27-28]
"She's good," nodded Alex as Lena raked her eyes left to right and back again, lingering a little longer on Kara than anyone else.
[Line 29-30]
"You're telling me," said Sam, knowing that she was kicking the Alex Danvers hornet's nest.
[Line 31-32]
Alex's responding interrogation had to be postponed when Lena arrived and draped her arm around Sam's shoulder. Kara had to avert her gaze because, as much as it was tempting, she didn't actually want to accidentally (on purpose) laser eyes Lena's other closest friend.
[Line 33-34]
The Luthor took a couple of steps to the right and turned to stand with her back to Kara, singing to the back of bar. If anyone ever asked she'd blame what happened next on the scotch. She spun around and bent over so her mouth was just an inch from the reporter's left ear.
[Line 35-36]
Kara had never been more appreciative of dim lighting than in that moment when she was sure she flushed the same colour as her cape, and let's just say her face wasn't the only part of her body flooded with heat.
[Line 37-38]
Kara's pulse thrummed double time and the feeling of Lena's breath on her neck made her spine (among other places) tingle. Then almost as soon as she had arrived, Lena was gone.
[Line 39-42]
The CEO swaggered away back towards the front of the room and Kara nearly growled her disapproval.
[Line 43-44]
As Lena walked away Kara totally wasn't staring at how good her best friend's ass looked in her slim fit black slacks (that's a lie, she totally was).
[Line 45-46]
Lena made it back to the stage and clicked the mic back into the stand, ignoring her blazer that had fallen to the floor at some point in the last three minutes.
[Line 47-51]
Lena was staring in Kara's general direction and it was enough to make the Kryptonian feel like her skin was on fire even though she was literally fireproof.
[Line 52-55]
"Wait, what do you mean 'tell me about it'" Alex hissed, remembering Sam's throwaway comment.
"I thought we clarified you're not rich enough to afford that intel?" Sam shot back.
Agent Danvers attempted her trademark law enforcement scowl but she was drunk enough that it came out like a puppy trying to be tough rather than the terrifying Rottweiler she achieved sober.
[Line 56-58]
Lena finished to raucous applause and dropped into a bow as she bent over to hook her finger into the collar of her blazer to rescue it from the scummy floor. She swung the jacket over her right shoulder and languidly wandered off the stage exuding effortlessly sexy high class cool. The CEO was meandering towards her group when she was intercepted by the nearly naked Almeracian from earlier. Alex should arrest her for public indecency Kara thought thunderously as she watched the toweringly tall alien flirt shamelessly.
The Kryptonian was endlessly glad that Sam was too busy laughing at Alex and Alex was too busy throwing peanuts at her for it for either of them to hear the crack of Kara snapping the footrest of her stool. In her defence, the Almeracian had stroked her hand across Lena's lower back and Lena had smiled suggestively at her! How was Kara supposed to react?!
There was a nagging know-it-all voice that sounded just like Maggie in the back of her mind giving her answers she wasn't asking for. 'You know Little Danvers,' it said, 'most people don't have a problem with their chronically shut-in best friend getting some action.' There was truth to that which Kara wasn't ready to examine so she settled on cursing Detective Sawyer for being so freaking insightful even when she wasn't around.
Winn had been observing the scene playing out in front of him with fascination but it wasn't until he saw Lena wink at her new lady friend that something clicked.
"Hold on, is she... is she..." Winn trailed off and impotently waved his arm at Lena's flirt-fest.
"Gay?" supplied Sam and four sets of wide eyes turned on her. The statement even shocked Kara enough to tear her out of the rage haze that had been induced by Lena winking like that at somebody who wasn't her.
"Are you seriously telling me none of you knew?" L-Corp's acting CEO asked incredulously, staring at them all like they were stupid.
"Fuck!" Alex muttered loudly and eight slightly different wide eyes shifted to her.
"I owe Maggie 75 bucks," Alex explained sullenly, deliberately knocking over her empty beer glass in annoyance.
"What for exactly?"
The unexpected sound of Lena's amused voice made both Danvers sisters jump. Nobody had noticed her extract herself from the Almeracian until she inserted herself into this now embarrassing conversation. Neither Danvers could look at her as the CEO slid herself onto her stool and took a sip of her scotch. Kara became very interested in a loose thread on the cuff of her cardigan because she was terrified of the wildly inappropriate things that might fall out of her mouth if she caught Lena's gaze. Alex meanwhile decided she must collect all the peanuts she'd scattered across the table in case it would help her escape a Luthor grilling.
The awkward silence dragged on for a few seconds before a smirking Sam cracked and broke into fits of giggles.
"Yes?" Lena asked pointedly and Alex just wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole.
"Alex and Maggie were betting on your lesbianism," Sam wheezed out between waves of laughter and Lena rolled her eyes because of course they were. Those two would bet on whether the sun was going to rise if they could. Alex had run out of peanuts to put back in the bowl so she was stuffing them into her mouth fistfuls at a time instead.
"Let me guess, Alex lost," Lena drawled after another sip of scotch, mirth colouring the edges of her voice. Kara stayed intently absorbed in picking at her cardigan so she didn't have to think about what that tone did to her.
"It's not my fault Maggie has the world's best gaydar," Alex said defensively, spraying peanut crumbs across the table.
"And you still bet against her?" Lena challenged as she wiped peanut bits off the front of her red blouse with a wince.
"I was so sure I was right this time, I mean... look at you."
Lena stared at the elder Danvers pityingly before she went for kill.
"Maggie told me your gaydar was bad but it truly is atrocious isn't it? Remind me again how someone so unobservant is an FBI agent?"
"She's not really an... investigative kind of agent. Observation isn't in her job description." Kara couldn't help herself.
"Okay, how about everyone lay off me, huh?" Alex said once she'd gulped down her next handful of peanuts, pretending to be wounded. "And could we please talk about something other than my very recently ex-girlfriend?"
Kara, ever the superhero, came to her sister's rescue.
"Did you know James likes to hum Cher when he reviews Catco proofs? He does a great Woman's World."
There were downsides to having friends with super-hearing James thought on stage, half way through Woman's World's second chorus as he saw Winn and Alex cracking up.
The rest of the night passed in a blur of questionable singing and alcohol but the lack of Aldebaran rum meant that when Kara crashed into her bed at 2am, after a minor detour to stop a mugging, she was dead sober. Dead sober and unable to think of anything other than the feeling of Lena's breath on her neck and the sound Lena's voice in her ear and the sight of Lena's butt in those pants and...
Oh Rao.
