A/N – 5 January, 2011. The last thing I intended to do was write another Meredith & Derek story. But, as with all the other spoilers, forgotten or disappointing storylines lead me to search for a therapeutic approach to this couple's story. I began to read the spoilers for episode 8x13 (the AU episode), now add another crossover, and saw the promos for 8x10 that airs tonight, I really wanted to write what I would like to see happen when Meredith and Alex return to SGH, yet have absolutely no doubts that it will not happen. This one-shot should most likely be appropriately titled "A Meredith & Derek fan's delusional vision."

I've touched on just about all those things they haven't remembered to discuss on Grey's, or simply caught too brief of a glimpse or mention in season 8, at least not to my liking. Please bear with me, as I have no idea how many could have been transported in an ambulance, but figured, if Grey's with their team of experts and budget can broadcast medical errors quite evident to the fans, I certainly can! Would love your thoughts...good or bad.

My wish for tonight's episode is to have to eat my words, and that we, Meredith & Derek fans, will not feel that we've once again been shortchanged with the time devoted to their story. Warm regards, Jasmin.

"Suddenly, only you …"

Pre 8x10 delusional one shot...

Derek's voice was deathly quiet, but unyielding as he reiterated his earlier observation. "There is nothing more you can do for him."

"Derek," Owen Hunt replied, "I get that you're concerned…but …"

"There are no buts," Derek retorted. "My wife," he tried not to lose control, "is out in the middle of nowhere…very likely hurt," each word carefully enunciated. "I don't give a damn if there's an emergency vehicle about to get there, I want a helicopter dispatched now…so she can get back here that much faster, and I can…" he took deep breaths; he couldn't break down…not now. "I can see her…and know that she's ok. I won't allow you to delay her getting here a minute longer than necessary."

"Your wife is alive," Owen told him. "Teddy's husband is dead, and she doesn't know."

"Then tell her," Derek yelled at him. "But right we can't waste any more time. Get emergency dispatch on the line and tell them…"

"Derek," Richard Webber put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure Meredith is fine…"

"You don't know that," Derek bit back, running his fingers through his hair in desperation. "There was a crash…we heard it Richard…we don't know how they are."

"Derek," Owen Hunt hesitated, the situation with Teddy presumably clouding his judgment. "Even if I could get a helicopter out there…"

"God damn it, Hunt," Derek barked. "Get them on the phone…now…"

The minutes that followed, the lack of knowledge about Meredith's exact whereabouts and condition became interminable; he knew Karev was also there, but all his thoughts were only of her as he waited for news with Richard by his side, and Hunt carried out Derek's demand.

"Derek," Cristina rushed in, "they made contact…they're ok…"

"You," he took a deep breath, his eyes on hers, "you talked to her…"

"No," Cristina shook her head, but held his gaze steadily, reassuringly, "it took a while because there was an accident."

"An accident," his control began to unravel. "That was the crash we heard…is she hurt?"

"No…" Cristina said uncharacteristically soothing, "listen…it took a while for us to make contact because when the emergency crew got there they had four others to take care of…Mer and Alex are ok. Banged up, but ok, and they're on their way back…"

"She's ok?" Derek's voice was hollow, desperate, "you're sure?"

"They're twenty minutes out," Cristina told him.

"Twenty minutes," Derek argued. "The helicopter shouldn't take that long."

"Meredith is in the ambulance," Owen approached and provided the answer.

"Why the hell isn't she in the helicopter," Derek yelled.

"Derek," Owen explained, "Grey and Karev are ok, there was an accident on the scene, some dead, several critically injured… they used the helicopter for them."

Derek Shepherd took special pride in his ability to teach, in explaining each meticulous detail of what was about to take place when he stood over a patient over an exposed brain or spine.

He was, he thought, damn good at what he did…and Meredith had by far been his best student; he also had a tendency to brood and beat himself over things, and as he waited, what felt like hours for news of his wife, he did an exceptionally good job in beating himself up over the way he'd treated her since she tampered with their clinical trial.

"Ma," Carolyn Shepherd grew alarmed, she knew the tone of defeat in her son's voice; she'd heard it before, when her husband died and again when he'd given up on Amy.

"Derek, what's wrong?"

"It's…" his voice was choked with emotion. "It's Meredith…"

"What's wrong with her, Derek…what is going on?"

"We're waiting," he shook his head, "I don't know…won't know till they get here."

"Derek…" Carolyn knew she had to take control; the years as a mother and navy nurse had provided her training. "Start from the beginning," she insisted.

"Ma…" he repeated, and provided an explanation. "I've forgotten…to pray…"

"Well," his mother answered, "I haven't…what is it…Derek…what is going on?"

"Mom," Derek said, the tone of his voice filled with doubts. "I can't lose her…"

"You won't," Carolyn assured, confident that her prayers would be answered, and spent a few minutes more on the phone with him before he told her he didn't want to risk missing a call. "Sweetheart," she said before disconnecting the call, "she's your spoonful of sugar…don't ever forget…things are not always black and white."

He'd been working, and assessing it now, admittedly failed miserably, on seeing that life was not always black and white, that there were many shades of gray. Ironically, as life would have it, he'd fallen in love…and the love of his life was a Grey; her skills as a doctor impeccable, never to be confused with her younger sister; her compassion and loyalty extraordinary; never to be compared with the infamous Ellis Grey.

The twenty minutes or more that he waited for Meredith to arrive were more than enough time for the broody, self-berating man to ponder over every time he'd let her down. He'd told Cristina he knew that Meredith would blame him, and just as he'd known as they were on the phone to remind them to light the flares, to get out of the rig…he knew, as he often did, that she would retreat; he'd already seen it in her eyes before she left, the wall of avoidance, the wall that so often became impenetrable in order to deal with all that life kept throwing her way.

Lost in thought, especially of the last few months, the lack of compassion he'd shown for his own wife made his burden heavier. Cristina was right, she always came back…but his greatest fear was that this time, losing Zola…definitively…could change that as well.

"Dr. Shepherd," he didn't even know who it was that came to get him. "Dr. Hunt told me to get you as soon as they were two minutes out." All Derek remembered was running.

"Shepherd," Hunt ordered, "step back…let us do what we need to do, there's some injured."

"Meredith needs," Derek started.

"Everyone," Hunt told him, "will be treated…just step back…let us do our job."

"I'm a doctor for God's sake," Derek argued.

"You," Richard intervened, "are a man waiting for his wife."

"Fine," Derek said almost petulantly, even as he knew they were right, and the team of doctors and nurses rushed to the now open doors and began to treat the patients, and finally he saw her, and he could breathe properly again as he waited and helped her off the vehicle.

"Arizona," Meredith said, the baby held close to her, "needs to see her right away…"

"You were hurt," Derek looked at the blood on her forehead. "Nobody said you…"

"I'm fine," Meredith said a little too curtly, then gentler. "I'm ok… Derek."

"You need to be looked at…"

Meredith was in full doctor mode as she handed the baby over to the neo-natal team. "I have to see the kids that were injured, one has critical injuries and…"

"Meredith, please," she heard the pleading in his voice, and met his gaze, and when she saw the same expression coupled with sadness, gave in to a moment of vulnerability and walked into his embrace.

"She needs a full work-up," Derek told the resident that had been assigned. Richard in this particular case assumed pseudo-chief role and had been adamant that Derek was to let others care for Meredith.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," the resident tried not to smile, "we've been told that by Dr. Webber and Dr. Hunt."

"I don't need all of that," Meredith argued. "Derek...those poor kids they've been through..."

"Shepherd," Karev appeared, grumpy and surly as usual. "She got banged around pretty bad, and she may need stitches...that cut on the forehead looked pretty nasty."

"Meredith," Derek confronted her, "you didn't tell me ..."

"Alex," Meredith told him, "mind your own business."

"You are my business," Alex shut her up.

"Fine," Meredith conceded, but added. "Derek, he needs the same things he hit his head too..."

"Busybody," Alex retorted. He too had been ordered to get a full assessment by Hunt. "Plus, try to talk some sense into her," he added to annoy her, "for playing wonder woman in the middle of the road."

"He cares," Derek stood by her head, actually cleaned the wound himself, after making it clear to the resident he was not going to back down.

"I know," Meredith said, and became lost in her thoughts of the last twenty four hours, and Derek knew that she needed time; they also needed time alone, away from the hospital, to deal with what seemed to be the inevitable loss of their dream to become a family with Zola.

Meredith and Alex were no longer considered patients after all their tests, including Meredith's head CT-scan Derek had insisted on, and reviewed himself, were negative. She was determined to stay and offer moral support to the siblings whose life was literally turned upside down.

"Meredith," Derek said much later, "you need to go home."

"I'm going to stay," she told him. "In case...I can do something."

"Their life was changed, irrevocably," Derek reasoned. "There's nothing more any of us can do. Let me take you home. It's been a rough day. Your shift had ended," he reminded, "when you and Karev were sent out."

Meredith conceded. There was no more avoiding their issues. "Alex needs to go home too."

Derek conceded, recognizing the inevitable sings of avoidance. "I'll find him, why don't you let Cristina know we're leaving...she's had a very rough day."

"I'm going to run a bath for you," Derek said when they got home and helped her with her coat.

"Not tonight," she said. "I'm too tired."

Derek simply nodded. He'd listened to Cristina, and was determined to give Meredith time. Regrettably, both were misinterpreting the other's needs and signals, and she went upstairs.

Derek wanted desperately to hold her; hover over her, tell her how suddenly...only she mattered.

Meredith wanted desperately to hold him; share with him her doubts, her fears; fears of hoping they could still have it all, share with him that suddenly...on this dark day...only he mattered.

Derek gave her space; Meredith interpreted he'd given up on them.

Meredith became distant, he'd expected that; he interpreted she'd given up on them.

Derek entered their bedroom expecting her to be in bed sleeping, instead he found her sitting on the chair, and as he walked in, wiped a tear from her eyes.

"Derek," she said. No more avoidance. "We need to talk."

"You're tired," he smiled at her, "we can get some rest. There's time...for us to talk."

"I think," she told him, a sad longing on her face, "we've run out of time..."

"Meredith," he walked to her, "you don't mean that."

"I've been thinking," she bit her lip nervously, but unwavering met his gaze. "You're not happy...you haven't been happy with me for a long time," she pressed her lips together.

"That's not true," he disputed.

"Derek...our vows," her lips were still pressed together, her eyes filled with tears. "I don't want you here...with me...because you feel obligated...when I said ..." she choked up, "that...we'd love each other..." softly, "even when he hated each other..." I never thought we could ever actually hate each other...but you did...and...I can't...I don't want to be with someone that hates me...can't look at me because of his disdain. I had more than enough of that," she wiped away the tears with the back of her hand, "from my mother."

Derek Shepherd was speechless, stunned, and heartbroken. Comparing their relationship, their love for each other, to what Ellis Grey had made her feel, made him fully aware of how badly he'd broken her spirit, again. His sat on the side of the bed, simply staring.

His silence confirmed what she erroneously believed, and it made her braver to continue exposing her feelings and vulnerabilities; she had nothing left to lose. "I know I screwed up...I do...but...we both have...and," she paused, then, another jarring slap. "I never hated you...ever...I've only loved you...even when I wanted to hate you..."

"Meredith," he whispered finally, "I love you...you're all I need..."

"You've said that before," she smiled at him, sadly and without recriminations. "You want to believe that...but, maybe you were right, all of this, the trial, Zola... sometimes...love just isn't enough."

"It is enough," he told her. "It will always be enough," he whispered, and he saw her get up and sit next to him on their bed.

"Derek," Meredith said. "You're not happy...let's be honest...I can't give you what you want."

"You..." he said, his eyes filled with tears, "you...are all I want..."

"I know you want to believe that," she said softly. "But what happened, with the trial, it changed the way you feel...and it's ok," and he hated that she was continuing to be submissive.

"Why," he asked, "are you doing this? Now?"

"We spent weeks," she said, obviously a lot of thought had gone into what she was sharing. "Without really talking to each other...blaming each other...and I understand, I do..."

"Stop it," he said suddenly. "Stop being so God damned understanding..."

"Derek, don't be angry at me for stating the obvious."

"The obvious," he got up from the bed and faced her. "The obvious is fucking staring you in the face...I love you...and you want to undermine what I feel for you...what I want for us...when I had to spend yet another day wondering if my wife," he shouted at her, "was alive...and that I was going to have to live with the knowledge the rest of my life that I made you miserable..."

It was her turn to be stunned and speechless, momentarily. "You haven't..."

"You had your say..." he said angrily, wondering how the hell things had turned out this way, when all he'd wanted was to come home and smother her with attention, but instead they were having a senseless argument, and his tone softened. "I almost lost you...again...and I don't want to imagine my life without you...and I forced you to want to have a child...and now...we lost her...and all I've done is to make you feel as though it was your fault..."

"It was my fault," Meredith's told him, "no one forced me to..."

He sat down next to her again, his gaze forward. "I've left you take the blame...been a coward..."

"Derek...I chose to tamper with the trial..."

He wasn't listening, as he too felt there was nothing left to lose. "You've told me...and you're right...how I don't tolerate others' errors...and you...are loyal and compassionate...and the person I love most," he closed his eyes and shook his head, "and I haven't given you that...from the beginning...you trusted me, and I lied about my marriage. I betrayed your trust...in the worst possible way...and you loved me...and yet I fail you...over and over..."

"Derek," she said softly, "you haven't failed me..."

"I have," he looked at her, "I allowed you to blame yourself...over Zola...but Meredith," his eyes watered. "I should have been here... if had been here, Janet would never have had any reasons for doubts...I ran...I broke our vows...and tried to justify that I hadn't..."

"Derek," Meredith whispered. "I didn't blame you...I knew you were angry..."

"You should have," he said with genuine emotion, "as I've been blaming you...instead of trying to understand the reasons...and accept that all you do is driven by loyalty and compassion for those you love...and now..." he closed his eyes, "I can't lose you..."

Derek felt the warmth of her hands as she held his. "You haven't lost me..."

"You said," he said ever so quietly. "We ran out of time."

"I didn't want you to stay," she squeezed his hands gently, "out of obligation."

"I love you," he opened his eyes and met hers. "Suddenly...today...in the moment before the phone went dead...I knew...what I've always known...what I should have made sure you knew...that only you...only you matter..."

"Derek," she took a deep breath. "You want more..."

"I need you," his voice was filled with deep emotion, "only you..."

"You want a family...and I can't give you that...and nobody thinks I'm fit to be a mother..."

"You," he touched her face, "are an extraordinary mother...Zola was the luckiest little girl."

"You didn't always think that," she saw the pain in his eyes, and regretted saying it.

"Another time," he admitted, "I failed you."

"Suddenly," she smiled through the tears, "it feels...as though we have all the time in the world."

"You haven't given up," he said, "you don't want to give up on us...our marriage..."

"I never did," she said tenderly. "I thought...it's what you wanted..."

"I think," he smiled, his heart feeling lighter, "we have something to add to our post it..."

"What's that?" She asked, and her smile and the sparkle in her eyes reminded him of the day she'd faced him, ready to commit to him, and helped to write their post it vows.

"No pretending," Derek answered. "No more secrets...we share everything...even when we know the other one won't like it."

"Like what?"

"In the future," he said, "no matter what we do, or what we're feeling, we tell each other, and we fight...and yell...and work it out. Together."

"Ok," she agreed, with a bit of hesitancy.

"Meredith..." he knew there had been doubts in her answer; the recent misunderstand still too raw to shake the tenuous reconciliation, "that sounded like your fine..."

Meredith bit her lip. "Well...we should come clean...with everything...start fresh..."

He chuckled, "does that mean...there's a lot more I don't know about..."

"Not a lot more," she answered. "How about you?"

"I can start," he said, "but first," he put his arm around her, drew her close. "I've been wanting desperately to do this...since we got home," and he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

"Why," she sighed, "didn't you?"

"I thought," he said, holding her tighter, kissing the top of her head, "you wanted time...space..."

"I wanted that so badly...for you to hold me...and I'd have to pretend I didn't want you hovering."

He chuckled softly, "you mean... all those times...you haven't really cared... when I did?"

"No," she laughed softly as well, "some of those were very annoying," and before their conversation continued, their lips found the way to say what words hadn't; that their love was indeed all they needed, and always would be that unshakable bond that kept them together.

Neither allowed the exhaustion from the day's unexpected emotional rollercoaster to postpone their long overdue conversation, and unlike the countless nights of lovemaking into the early hours; this time, love, commitment and tender loving caresses were the links that further strengthened a love meant to last a lifetime.

"I don't understand," Derek said of a particular subject, "why you felt that way..."

She brought up all that had made her doubt. The way he wouldn't comfort her the day Zola was in surgery, how he wouldn't look at her after they had sang for her to fall asleep, how she had remained next to him, hoping he'd reach out to her.

He couldn't understand why she felt that way, since that night had been the catalyst to their reconciliation. They'd walked out of the hospital hand in hand, and later, he'd turned to her in bed, told her he loved her, and missed her, and they'd resumed their intimate relationship.

She shared her doubts and vulnerability that he really hadn't forgiven her, but, if they were going to try to get Zola back may as well sleep together. He was stunned, and spent a great deal of time convincing her of his love for her, even during those weeks of estrangement. Including his conversation with Mark, about missing her, and the extra work and money the contractors had charged them for when he decided to become a handy man.

All was out in the open. Her work in her mother's trial and Richard's involvement. Derek supported it, though warned her of possible consequences. He told her he wanted her back in his service, he missed her terribly.

She told him how he'd hurt her, the day of her first solo surgery as a fifth year resident, when it had been someone else that had led the traditional applause. Shared that Cristina teased her that Ellis would have been proud she found the diabetes hypothesis was wrong, Meredith laughed and told him her mother would have been pissed that she had figured it out. Derek disagreed with her, he thought Ellis would have been very proud.

"Another thing," Derek commented, "no more taking risks...like today..."

"But," she argued, "Derek...if I hadn't..."

"Promise me," he asked of her. "You asked me to stop...to think of what you felt...every time I left the driveway...remember..."

She promised with a kiss that left no doubts she'd intended to honor his request.

"Derek," she whispered, his body embracing hers ever so tenderly, the caress of his hands each a promise of the future. "There's one more thing...you should know."

"What's that?"

"I don't want to give up..."

"I know," he kissed her shoulder lovingly. "We won't..."

She turned to face him. "I don't want to give up on having a family..."

"Meredith," her name felt like a caress. "Only you...that's all I need."

"I want more," she said. "Derek, today, holding that baby…so defenseless and tiny...and yet she's a fighter...a survivor, I realized... I don't want to give up. We should fight for Zola; we are the best parents for her."

"I promised you," he said, "and I meant it...we'll be parents...we'll fight for her."

"Derek," she met his gaze, smiled softly. "I don't want to give up trying for our baby..."

"No," he said. "We tried...you had side effects," he shook his head.

"That was one option," she said. "It may not happen...but there are other ways."

"Meredith...I forced you to want this..."

"Until you," she admitted, "I never thought of having a baby."

"I won't let you risk it," he cupped her face. "We can try again...to get custody of Zola."

"I wondered," she said, "all night, as we drove to the hospital to get the baby...then on the way back...before the accident. If there was any hope for us...if you would ever truly be able to forgive me for losing her. For losing our only chance to have a baby...and if you could...then...I'd want to try...for us to have a family."

"Meredith," Derek told her, "after all we've shared tonight...you still have doubts."

"No," she told him, pressed her lips against him. "I'm sharing all my thoughts with you...but the most important one... was this... after we were hit...on the way back, I held her. There was no room for the incubator with the others that were hurt...and I knew...suddenly...and without any doubts, I knew...I wanted to try again...and I'm scared...scared to want this...after the miscarriage...and Zola...but I do...Derek...I want a baby...with you."