A/N: I know it's been quite a while since I've written an FF. I apologise for that but I've changed my life and other priorities have been put in first place. In the meantime, I've been watching re-runs of SVU lately and I had the urge to write another EO shipping. I don't know if it's been done before. Here goes nothing...
This is set in season 17. Elliot's point of view.
I glanced around the room, looking at all the other parents, huddled together in those uncomfortable plastic chairs, nursing their sick kids and waiting to be seen by the doctor on duty. The last place I expected to see Olivia Benson was in a doctor's waiting room. She was nursing a child, a boy I think, a look of love and affection filled every line in her beautiful face as she looked down at him. She didn't see me straight away, which gave me a few moments to prepare myself.
I had forgotten how beautiful she was and how my heart ached at the time that had passed between us, without a word. It had been a painful five years without her. Every year that passed, made me hate myself more and more, because I didn't pick up the phone and tell her the truth. I didn't know what to say to her then and I don't know what to say to her now.
It was nice to see Olivia with a baby in her arms. It was well deserved and it suited her perfectly. I always knew she was born to be a mother, and finally she had her wish. She gently stroked the child's face with her finger. He was beautiful. Just like her.
My heart jumped into my throat when she looked up, a moment of shock and surprise and then nothing. Her face was blank. I used to be able to read her so well. Our communication had always been impeccable. She knew when to talk and when to shut up, when to push and when to pull, it was as if we shared one of the same mind. Kathy had tried for years to be the other half of me, but the more she tried, the more she failed. I couldn't stand it when she hovered over me. Olivia had always known when I needed my space.
But now as I looked across the room, our eyes locked on each other, I regrettably admitted that things were not the same. I could no longer read her mind and know what she was thinking. My heart hurt. Why had I walked away without a word? Olivia had deserved to know, she had put up with me for twelve long years, more than anyone else who partnered together in the precinct that we committed to.
I watched her stare at her child. I was happy for her, but along with happiness came a bitter taste on my tongue. Five years was a long time. A woman as beautiful as her was probably married by now, to a man who knew her well, who put up with her crazy work hours, who understood her ambitious drive of locking away perps and speaking out for the victims. Unless like me, she was too busy with motherhood.
Olivia looked back at me, as if she were trying to figure out if I was indeed there.
I smiled, or at least I tried to. I'm sure it came out more like a grimace than anything. "Hi," I said quietly.
Olivia mutely nodded in reply.
My eight year old son, Eli, sat beside me too sick to notice what was going on around him. I knew he had a common flu and bed rest and fluids were his best bet, but I liked to be on the safe side. This young boy was my last child. I knew I would never have another. Eli was my whole life now. "Liv..." the familiar name sounded foreign on my tongue. It had been a long time since I'd uttered that name out loud, but it was only that morning that I had thought about her. A day would not pass by without picturing her face and wondering how she was going without me.
I remembered the months I had spent without her, partnered with Dani Beck, my days had been dark then and were even darker now. It didn't take a genius to figure out that I was nobody without Olivia Benson. I didn't function the same way. I was not alive by the same measure as I was when I spent my days and nights with her, solving crimes and chasing perps.
Olivia's eyes closed at the mention of her name. I was desperate to know what she was thinking.
"Hi, El."
Now it was my turn to close my eyes. The memories of our time together washed over me like a tidal wave. It was as if I had gained my forgotten memory in a single second. It was overwhelming. Did I affect her the same way that she affected me?
"Hi." I got up from my chair to move closer to her. I didn't want to have a conversation with her across the room. Eli got up and followed me, sitting down close beside me as if we were joined at the hip.
Olivia smiled and extended her hand to him. "Hi. I bet your Eli. You probably don't remember me. I knew you when you were really little."
"I know who you are," he replied.
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
"My dad has a picture of you in his room. I see it all the time."
I watched her face, trying to gauge a reaction. She refused to look at me directly and kept her gaze on Eli. "Your dad and I used to work together. We were best friends." I thought I heard something in her tone of voice. Resentment? Anger? Mixed with something else... sadness perhaps.
Finally, she looked up at me.
"How are you?" I asked, unable to keep silent.
"I'm good. You?"
"Good." I lied. I wasn't good. I was miserable. I regretted walking away from my job. I regretted shooting that girl. I regretted not picking up a phone. I desperately wanted to change the subject. I wanted to ask her about her life. I wanted to know everything about the last five years, every moment of her life that I had missed. I hesitated. Maybe I hadn't earned that right. "You have a kid," I said with a nod towards the child.
"Yeah. Noah."
"He's cute. Looks like you."
Olivia laughed.
"You married?" The moment the words left my mouth I wished I could take them back. The look on her face was answer enough. It was none of my business.
"How's Kathy?" she asked, the words sounding bitter on her tongue.
"I don't know. I haven't seen her in two years."
Olivia blushed with embarrassment. "Oh." I didn't know if she was relieved to hear that or surprised.
Kathy and I had our fair share of problems over the years. I wasn't a good husband for a long time. My job had always been more important to me than anything else, but I had come to realise that it had nothing to do with crime and everything to do with my partner. It wasn't the job I missed. It was Olivia. But I poured everything I had into my marriage when I walked away from SVU. It was Kathy who had dumped the twins and Eli on me and fled. The other kids had grown up and moved out of home by then, Maureen was married with a child of her own.
I was now the stay-at-home parent.
I thought about calling Olivia every day, but something always stopped me. Now I knew why. She was married with a child of her own.
"Noah Elliot Benson!"
Olivia snapped her head around to look at the doctor who had just called out the name.
It took a moment to realise that my name had been said. MY NAME. Olivia had to have thought about me, if her child's middle name was mine. I watched intently and for the first time in five years I could read the expression on her face. I smiled.
"I have to go," she said, clearly uncomfortable.
"Ok."
Olivia rose from the chair, baby Noah in her arms. She took one final look at me and without a word she turned and followed the doctor down the hallway. I watched her disappear into the doctor's office and the door shut closed behind them.
Maybe there was hope for us yet.
A/N: I don't know if this is a one-shot or not. I guess I'll have to wait and see what you guys want. Hit the review button and let me know. Hope you enjoyed the read.
