A/N: This is the result of a challenge from Sue at ALW, which was to turn a scene from Star Wars into a musical. The following parody, then, takes place immediately after scene 76 and before scene 77. I don't know if these scene numbers are universal, or if that's even really what they are (I'm not that familiar with script formatting) but it's basically a continuation of the bridge scene right after Leia and Luke have discussed their parentage and Leia and Han have had an almost-fight.
Disclaimer: I am clearly not George Lucas and I don't pretend to have any claims on anything he owns or came up with and I have the greatest respect for him and his ideas. Everything written here is a parody written completely in jest and on very little sleep. I ask everyone to not take offense as none was meant to anyone.
One More Day
76.1 EWOK VILLAGE- NIGHT
Han Solo stands on what seems to him a flimsy excuse for a bridge (heck, you can see the ground right through the slats…and it's really far away) with his arms wrapped around his…friend? Girlfriend? Friend-that-happens-to-be-a-girl-and-is-a-little-more-than-a-friend? Well, he's not quite sure what she is anymore, considering what he just witnessed, but, in any case, he does have his arms tightly wrapped around her and is rocking back and forth, hoping it will have an at least partially calming effect on her.
For her part, Leia is reveling in the feeling of strong arms around her, taking responsibility from her…even if it is only the responsibility of making sure that she remains upright. She is extremely nervous about the upcoming battle, despite the fact that she's been in numerous battles, dangerous missions, and other such life-threatening situations almost all her life. She looks up to the stars, wondering why she feels this way, and whether anyone else feels the same way.
Suddenly, the romantic and eerie silence is broken by the even eerier sound of a deep, impassioned tenor.
DARTH
VADER:
One day more!
Another day, another
destiny.
This never-ending road in agony
This son who seem to
know my crime
Will surely come a second time.
One day
more!
76.2 DEATH STAR- VADER'S CHAMBER
An image of Darth Vader himself is suddenly centered on the screen, standing in his regeneration chamber with one leg planted firmly on his regeneration chair and the corresponding arm lifted high in the air, serving as a focal point for his upturned face…all in all, a very heroic pose. He allows the last note to linger melodiously in the air before clamping his fist like an orchestra conductor signaling the abrupt end of a musical phrase. It is clear that he is in some sort of inner reverie. At any rate, his singing echoes throughout the cabin and cockpit of his shuttle, clear through the ship's hull and out into the stars, even reaching the ears of the Emperor, which is surprising considering how deaf the old man seems to be getting in his old age, and then again not so surprising, considering that he is the most powerful man in the galaxy. However, Vader is reveling in the knowledge that this situation will soon change. In response to this thought, he lets out a malicious cackle he's been holding in all afternoon.
VADER: (muttering angrily to himself, post-cackle) It's pathetic, really, how riled up that damned man gets me. One conversation with him and bam! my Zen state of mind is gone for at least a week. That'll soon change, though…
Just one more day, and then my plans will finally fall into place. With the emperor out of the way, my son and I will be able to rule the galaxy unhindered. No more kowtowing to some decrepit old man who smells so awful no one can bear to get close enough to tell him about it. (That and the fact that he'd probably fry you to a crisp for the offense.) When I rule, I will exercise a considerably more sanitary method of disposing of miscreants. No more of this lingering burnt-whatever-it-is-this-week smell for days on end. No more…well, anyway, the point is that we can bring the entire galaxy under our control and order back to the universe! Tomorrow!
One day more!
His tenor erupts from his chest again in one final burst of vocal glory before he goes off to change into his favorite plaid pajamas to ensure a good night's sleep before the big day.
76.3 EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM
The camera zooms out from the Vader scene and focuses on the starry night for a moment before turning slightly to zoom back in, now on the new Death Star. We are taken into the unfinished structure, through several corridors at breakneck speed, and into the Emperor's throne room, where the camera focuses on his Excellency. The Emperor's head comes up slowly from where it was resting on his chest in what we would call a nap if we weren't afraid of offending him. A strange, faraway look in his eyes; it is apparent that he hears the music floating to his ears from where his apprentice's shuttle is nearing Endor.
EMPEROR: (muttering to himself – it's a Sith thing) Stupid apprentice. Thank the gods I'll have a newer, fresher one to work with after tomorrow. Finally rid of Anakin- no more dealing with his power-hungry ways and his ridiculous tallness and that infernal, gods-damned breathing of his!
But suddenly, the Emperor is seized with the urge to add his own tuneful vocalizations to the cacophony of the universe. Standing up with effort and leaning creakily on his cane, he walks over the viewport and looks out at the little moon of Endor where his future apprentice and his friends await the next day with considerably less eagerness than the Emperor and his current apprentice. A burst of what I suppose we're going to have to call song fills the throne room suddenly.
EMPEROR:
One
day more to revolution
We will nip it in the bud!
We'll be
ready for these rebels
They will wet themselves with blood!
More evil cackling fills the throne room, but this time much more evil and for a much longer period of time. He can barely choke out the last phrase to his verse amid his fit of malicious cackles.
EMPEROR: One day more!
76.4 REBEL ALLIANCE CAMP SITE
The cackles fade away into the distance as the camera zooms out of the previous scene and into a new one, down on the floor of the Endor Forest. The scene is a campsite, with tents arranged around a brightly burning campfire and the taskforce of Rebel soldiers sitting in groups, holding tankards of some drink inappropriate for the youngsters to see, so we're going to pretend it's fruit punch. They are singing as they swing their tankards back and forth in the air in a style reminiscent of New England bars in old movies about ships and wars and such that are generally boring to watch.
SOLDIERS:
One day to a new
beginning.
Raise the flag of freedom high
Every man will be a
king
Every man will be a king
There's a new world for the
winning
There's a new world to be won
Do you hear the people
sing?
Faint echoes of the vocalizations of the previous groups can be heard as this scene fades out of focus to be replaced by another.
76.5 EWOK VILLAGE PUB
At this point in the movie, we discover that the Ewoks are considerably smarter and considerably less friendly than we originally took them to be. Now rid of the new "honorary members" of their tribe, they are sitting around, whispering mysteriously in their chattering language. Even though we can't understand it, it is obvious that whatever they are saying is sinister and evil and other descriptively nasty words like that. Suddenly, however, everything seems to have been settled, because an enthusiastic cheer goes up and they all sit back. A grizzled, elderly Ewok does something to a barrel in the corner of the room and a suspiciously amber-colored liquid froths forth from it. The contrast between the fruit punch the courageous Rebel soldiers are drinking and the obviously alcoholic choice of the Ewoks is striking. It is at this point in the story that we realize what horrible, sinful little buggers they are. Several moments go by as the camera pans about, capturing all of this sinfulness in action. Finally, the Ewoks are good and drunk enough to begin their part of the song, variations of which have been playing softly in background throughout the entirety of this scene, and we learn their true motive for joining in the battle with the Rebels. The song, of course, is continued in Basic. (It's the movies. It's all about the temporary suspension of disbelief.)
EWOKS:
Watch 'em run
amuck
Catch 'em as they fall!
Never know your luck
When
there's a free-for-all.
Here a little 'dip'
There a little
'touch'
Most of them are goners
So they won't miss much!
As these inspiring words fill the air, the camera flies across and through the window to focus on a small, dark figure toddling along outside.
76.5 EWOK VILLAGE- NIGHT
We are soon able to see that the small, dark figure is actually an Ewok, Paploo. It seems that this little fellow has ideas different from those of his buddies. (Hey, we have to have one of these guys be all heroic and stuff to give the kiddies a good example to follow.) He creeps along the network of ramps and suspended pathways until he has arrived at the hut where some of the more important members of the Rebel party spent their afternoon planning the next day's assault. He stealthily creeps into the hut and we see his silhouette rummaging around their datapads and such, apparently looking for something. He reemerges with several items in his scruffy paws, items that look like they might contain important information on them. He runs off in another direction for a little while, all of this while the background music of that song is still playing, and the sits down. We see him turn the data-containing items over in his hands several times, appearing to examine them closely. It is apparent that he is having some trouble deciphering them, however, because he begins to sing to himself for encouragement. Surprisingly, the little guy has a deep tenor. In Basic, of course.
PAPLOO:
I will join these
people's heroes
I will follow where they go
I will learn their
little secrets
I will know the things they know.
And this is how we discover that Paploo's theft of the speeder bike during the assault on the control bunker was not a heat-of-the-moment, purely impulsive decision, but a deeply thought out and precisely planned tactical move. The little Ewok's heroism in the face of his comrades' treachery is to be commended.
The camera pans out to take in the entire surrounding area, from the bunker and the campsites to Vader's shuttle and the Death Star, with the hugging couple in the very center, looking confused at the strange sounds that seem to surround them. One big, grand chorus is heard coming up from the entire company of singers hired to dub the voices of the various characters called upon to sing during this number.
ALL:
Tomorrow we'll
discover
What the gods in Heaven have in store
One more dawn!
One more day! One day more!
NOTE: This is a look at what might have happened, had Uncle George been partaking in some sort of illegal substances and therefore decided to put a musical number (other than the dancing Ewoks at the end) and written this atrocious bit of fake script on some dark and dreary night. The scenario, if real, would have continued to include his secretary acting for the good of Star Wars fans everywhere and stashing the handwritten first draft in the deepest recesses of her bottom-most desk drawer and telling George she had lost it. In later years, when it was thought that the original Star Wars trilogy was quite safe from revision (an assumption later proven to be drastically wrong), the same secretary might have come forward with this original first draft and confessed the whole thing to George. However, since (were this, of course, a real scenario) he would have ceased to use the aforementioned illegal substances, that is why, despite the numerous other changes (for better as well as for worse) that have been made to the original trilogy, Star Wars was never in any danger of becoming a musical. And for that, we can all be thankful. See guys? It could be worse…
A/N: (This time not involving any hallucination-esque schemes involving the great George Lucas.) First, it should be established that I myself was not on (and never have been on) any illegal substances when I wrote this. Just sleep deprived. Secondly, we should cover the fact that I don't claim to be George Lucas; I also don't claim that he or his secretary or anyone else actually did anything recounted in the above fictional "Note". I was kidding. Also, credit is due to Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg, I believe, for writing the beautiful song "One Day More" from the musical "Les Miserables" that I just completely butchered. And third, an apology is owed to George Lucas and all of his characters for the way I just completely massacred them. I apologize. It was all meant in good, clean (if not quite sane) fun.
