Konnichiwa, I know some
people hate stories that have the author of them as one of the characters
but when I got this idea I couldn't help myself, you have to read the footnotes
at the end to see all the humor in this piece. I got this from "The Compeat
Work of Wllm Shakspr (abridged)" And if you haven't seen it I highly
recommend it. Now not to give my story away to much here I go.
In order to understand this
a little better we use notes like this T/Ben that stands for Trowa
playing Benvolio. I just thought I'd make that clear.
Also with the footnotes the
super scripted numbers tell to what footnote to see this is an example
of a superscript footnote number 1 That tells you that you should
see footnote number 1 for more information about the text spoken below.
I did not create this piece
just changed a few characters this piece belongs to 'The Reduced Shakesspeare
Co.' so all rights reserved.
You might actually want to
read the footnotes before reading this piece they make it a lot funnier
afterwards. Please R&R.
---------
(There
is a blackout but we hear voices backstage yelling at each other)
Wu Fei:
I refuse to be a part of your unjust games you bimbo
(Offended
by this remark EB walks up to him and slaps him)
EB: You'll
perform and you'll have fun doing it too.
(They
continued to argue while Quatre and Duo sigh)
EB: Now
get out there you two your public is waiting for you.
(She
addresses to Quatre and Duo; the lights come on-stage, they sweat drop
but reluctantly enter; each wears Elizabethan garb and their regular sneakers;
they begin warm-ups and stretches; with several female members of the audience
complimenting them from their seats; Wu Fei gets shoved out on stage and
crashed into Duo.)
Duo: What'd you go
that for?
Wu Fei:
It wasn't by choice.
(Duo
gives Wu Fei a cold glare but continues his stretches; several more compliments
are thrown towards them causing blush to rise on their cheeks; Wu Fei sits
in a chair and begins to address the audience)
Wu Fei: Lets
just get this over with shall we (clears throat) Now, we will begin
with this attempt to perform Romeo and Juliet1 while I myself
will fill in some bits of narration. After extensive textual research and
analysis the bimbo backstage without our consent has (A large book is
thrown from offstage left smacking Wu Fei in the side of the face)
Why you little...
(Wu
Fei attempts to get out of his chair but is held back by Quatre and Duo)
Quatre:
Just continue
Duo: Yeah we'll pay
her back later
(Quatre
looks over at Duo who knocks Wu Fei back into his chair)
Wu Fei: I
will pay you back women for this humiliation. (Clears throat) Now
where was I oh yes, the bimbo has decided that we will be performing the
abridged version of 'Romeo and Juliet' lets start with the prologue shall
we.
(Wu
Fei focuses attention onto Duo and Quatre who stop stretching and stand
up)
Quatre and Duo (simultaneously,
with synchronized gestures):
"Two
households both alike in dignity,
In fair
Verona where we lay our scene,
From
ancient grudge break to new mutiny
Where
civil blood makes hands unclean.
From
forth the fatal loins2 of these two foes
A pair
of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whose
misadventure. piteous o'erthrows
Do, with
their death, bury their parent's strife."
(They
bow. Duo lifts Quatre into a balletic exit, then follows him off.)
Wu Fei: Act
One Scene One: In the street meet two men tall and handsome,
One,
Benvolio;3 (Trowa enters as Benvolio.)
The other
named Sampson.
(Heero enters as Sampson)
Their
hatred fueled by an ancient feud
For one
serves Capulet, the other Montague...d.
T/Ben (singing):
O, I like to rise when the sun she rises, early in the morning...
H/Sam (singing
simultaneously):
O, I had a little doggie and his name was Mr.
Jiggs, I sent him to the grocery store to fetch a pound of figs......figs???
(They
look over towards EB who is laughing to herself then they see each other.
Simultaneously:)
T/Ben (aside):
Ooo, it's him. I hate his guts. I swear to God I'm gonna kill him.
H/Sam (aside):
Ooo, it's him. I hate his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all.
(At
the mention of hating Trowa's family Quatre gives EB a saddened look)
EB: Don't
worry Quatre it's not serious it's just acting.
(Quatre
nods and continues to watch the performance; Benvolio and Sampson smile
and bow to each other. As they cross to the opposite sides of the stage,
Sampson bites his thumb at Benvolio who trips Sampson in return.)
T/Ben:
Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?
H/Sam:
No sir, I do but bite my thumb.
T/Ben:
Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? Wait a minute I just asked him that...
EB (From
offstage left): You're supposed to say it twice
T/Ben:
Oh ok, Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?
H/Sam:
No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite my thumb. Do
you quarrel, sir?
T/Ben:
Quarrel, sir? No sir.
H/Sam:
But if you do, sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you.
T/Ben:
No better.
H/Sam:
Yes. Better.
T/Ben:
You lie!
(They
fly at each other, Massive fight scene. Benvolio chases Sampson offstage.
Benvolio then throws Sampson back on-stage, kicks him the ribs, twists
his arm. Quatre enters as the prince.)
Q/Prince:
Rebellious subjects, enemies to the peace.
Profanes
of this neighbor-stained steel.4
You,
Capulet, shall go along with me.
Benvolio,
come you this afternoon
To know
our farther5 pleasure in this case.
(Prince
exits with Sampson.)
T/Ben:
O where is Romeo? Saw you him today? Right glad I am he was not at this
fray. But see, he comes!
(Duo
makes a grand entrance as Romeo, wearing a very elegant costume and a wistfully
sniffed at a rose.)
Romeo
he cried. I'll know his grievance or be much denied. Good morrow, coz.6
D/Romeo:
Is the day so young?
T/Ben:
But new struck nine.
D/Romeo:
Ay, me. Sad hours seem long.
T/Ben:
What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?
D/Romeo:
Not having that which, having, makes them short.
T/Ben:
In love?7
D/Romeo:
Out
T/Ben: Out
of love?
D/Romeo:
Out of her favor where I am in love.
(There
are two sobs from backstage; one EB's the other Quatre's who are both crying8)
T/Ben:
What's the matter with you?
Quatre:
It's just so sad (EB nods in agreement; Duo sighs and waits for Trowa
to continue)
T/Ben:
Alas that love, so gentle in his view, Should be so rough and tyrannous8
in proof.
D/Romeo:
Alas that love, whose view is muffl'd still, Should without eyes see pathways
to his will.
Both: O!
T/Ben:
Go ye to the feast of Capulets.
There
sups the fair Relena whom thou so lovest (Trowa bursts out laughing;
followed by EB and Quatre from offstage; Duo looks like he's about to punch
someday as he runs backstage and grabs his script.)
Duo: You were supposed
to say Rosaline, Trowa (Trowa laughs but doesn't respond to Duo's
proclamation)
T/Ben:
With all the admired beauties of Verona.
Go thither10
and compare her face with some that I shall show.
And I
shall make thee think thy swan a crow. (Exits laughing to himself.)