*AN: This is an odd story my best friend and I jointly wrote together, and are still continuing to write. It's based on the outlandish mini-series that is based on the terrible sequel written by Alexandra Ripley. (Of course these are all personal opinions, but I think you get what I mean.) Anyhoo this story is weird, crazy, but in our opinions, hilarious…there are a few inside jokes in here, but it shouldn't take much to laugh at them despite not really getting why they're so funny, at least we hope. Just keep an open mind (the story only gets better in our opinion.) Please when you read this DO NOT think of the original actors (Vivien Leigh & Clark Gable) in the character's places. The characters in this story you are about to read have the appearance of Timothy Dalton and Joanne Whalley from the mini-series made in the 1990's, as I'm sure you will be able to guess from their descriptions. Don't for a second think we're making fun of the original because I love that masterpiece with my whole heart, it's pretty much perfect to me. Now, if you haven't seen this "Scarlett" abomination (which I'm sure most of you have at least peaked at) it is quite different from the dull book it was based off of, and I suggest you watch it just for a good laugh. It's terrible, but just so god damn hilarious that I'm sure all you devoted GWTW fans out there can appreciate the ridiculous amount of effort they put into that dog turd. Anyway if you are a die-hard fan of "Scarlett" I suggest you move along now because I'm not sure you'd appreciate this, but if you want to have a good laugh please take a gander and tell me what you think. This is sort of an experiment for us to see if we're just comic geniuses or just insane, aha, so a review would be much appreciated, you can begin now ;p
Scorlett: The E! True Hollywood Story
Chapter One: Not So Inanimate Inanimate Objects
The bell wrung out into the quiet hallways, echoing down them and spilling into the many rooms of the Butthoarder estate. It was midnight and all was quiet…except for one very restless mustache.
Rhett Butthoarder had fallen asleep merely a half hour before midnight, right after he said goodnight to his mother and had his nightcap of scotch and almond nut cookies, but he was already sound asleep and off into a dreamland all his own. Lately he was under much stress, stress that he had never even known he would know. He was now officially separated from his terrible gremlin of a wife Scorlett, and had already found a new plaything, by the name of Anne Hampton. Yes, life was on the rise and many changes had taken place, but all of this stress made one not so inanimate inanimate object very impatient…his mustache.
While his time alone with his mustache made the two literally inseparable, they grew closer and closer. They laughed, they cried, they smoked cinnamon sticks together, played badminton and often tickled a trolip or two together. While the divorce between Butthoarder, aka Captain Candy Beard and Scorlett became evident to many gossipy outsiders, including Anne, the mustache was on high. After years of having to scrape the lips of such a creature like Scorlett, it was nice to have a break from those ghastly teeth and that rancid breath. Plus there was a new, sexy little number in town, dangling enticingly and sensually from the back of Anne Hampton's neck; the most beautiful rat tail he had ever seen whispered come hither into Mustache's burnin' ears.
Mustache was a charming fellow at that. He was thick and black, lying just above Butthoarder's lip, and always had something to say about anyone that caught his fancy, whether good or bad. Before Scorlett, the Mustache and his master went out on the town frequently, either getting a bite of greasy chicken wings with Belle Watling, or playing a naughty game of cards with the local retarded whore Lulie. But since he married that Scorlett creature, the two hadn't been the same, and Mustache couldn't help but feel depressed about this. He drooped in resignation at the kisses he had to bestow upon Scorlett, he hissed when she tried to pick pieces of pie off Mustache's hair, and worst of all, he nearly bit her when she ordered Rhett to trim the beautiful, thick hairs that clung just above Butthoarder's lips. Mustache couldn't stand the woman and now she was gone so things should have returned to how they were…but they hadn't, not yet anyway. So tonight Mustache would party to the dawn, whether Butthoarder wanted to or not.
The dragging of Butthoarder's face over gravel wasn't enough payback for Mustache, he dragged his body over steaming heaps of horseshit and the occasional dog pile, and he strung his body along and through streams and over fences, up trellises clinging to the sides of unsuspecting women's homes. He needed to get to a decent facial hair party, something accompanying handlebars and goatees, muttonchops and a couple floozy women. At the party he drank scotch and burbon, smoked the finest cinnamon sticks and got down on the tops of chandeliers; all the while Butthoarder's bod just dangled in sheer bliss, since ignorance reigned supreme, life was good once again. Then like it's always been, Mustahce slugged, slightly drunk still and partied out, all the way home before Butthoarder would wake. Back into bed, at the ass crack of dawn, just hoping the smell of party leftovers wouldn't stir question in his master's now deluded brain. "Ahhh purrrrr" Mustache moaned and wheezed, bedtime.
Rhett was slightly suspicious of why his Mustache was limp that morning, but he didn't think much of it. He put on his blue suede suit and straw hat, strutting out the door to go see a Ms. Anne Hampton. When he reached her mansion his Mustache suddenly perked up as if he was excited.
"What is it old boy?"
"Putt burr purrr", the Mustache winked in reply.
"Ms. Anne Hampton, really? You think she has what we're looking for?" Rhett smirked.
"Purrr Purrrr".
"I'm glad you think so, because I was just going to ask her on a horse ride with us", Butthoarder smiled and his Mustache ruffled its fluffy hairs.
"RUUURRR!"
Butthoarder gave a booming laugh and said, "Calm down up there, don't worry, you'll get your chance to see Ms. Hampton…and that delicious piece of rat tail I saw peeking out behind her at the ball the other day. Don't think I didn't notice you two, those longing looks in both of your eyes nearly made my heart melt. Young love is so beautiful", Butthoarder sighed romantically.
Mustache blushed. "Buwurwururwururuwrur".
As he entered the gate, his long strides seem to turn into a half run, ohh so excited like a young lad he was, or should I say, they. The doorbell rang and a dolled up suede Mama Anne, answered in return. Her little top hat seemed to compliment her elongated face and dyke-ish appeal. The aroma of 'fartaway air freshener' wafted into the nasal passages of the two brutish charmers at the door. Mustache and Captain Candy Beard, or Big Daddy Suede, just stared in awe, while Mustache also furrowed to attention at Anne's Rattail swishing silently and longingly back and forth behind Anne.
"Hello Anne, why don't you just look gay today".
"Oh Myyyy! Why thank you Mr. Butthoarder, I must say you look quite gooood in that coincidentally matching suede suit."
They exchanged horrid smiles while Rattail gave Mustache a little flick of the curl, and Mustache shivered in wanting. He purred slightly the rest of the day. Now off to the stables to saddle up for a jolly ole' ride around the park.
The horses seemed to sense the group coming and tried to make mad dashes for the stable door, all the while belting out high neighs, but it was to no avail…they had come. Butthoarder, Mustache, Anne, and Anne's Rattail all jumped on the two calmest horses and set off for their exciting jog around the lake. Butthoarder was all small talk with Ms. Hampton, gazing into her murky brown eyes as the horse slowly bucked beneath him. He also sensed out of the corner of his eyes, Anne's meek Rattail peeking out behind her, trying to get a good look at his robust and proud Mustache. He could feel Mustache above his lip, swelling with satisfaction at the attention he was getting, some even from Ms. Anne who couldn't help but give a demure smile.
"Why Mr. Butler, your Mustache is so-so…incredible! I think Rattail back there is really taking a shine to him". Rattail blushed and hid back behind Anne's neck again, making small squeaking sounds that sounded like little giggles.
Mustache purred in interest trying to peer at Rattail once more. He just wanted to show her his true admiration for how silky and smooth her brown locks looked as they shone in the morning sun. God, what a beautiful creature!
While trotting around on two suffering horses, Butthoarder enjoying every bump and grind, Anne gave him a nervous twitch and slowly led into what would make the mustached man actually think about life without Scorlett, and possibly with Anne.
"My myy, I do have to tell you somethin' that's been weighin' on my mind for quite some time now…"
"And what would that be Miss Hampton, you look so cute in that baby blue suede suit you're wearin', god that color compliments those muddy eyes of yours."
"Big Daddy Suede"-she began-"I was the one who told Mrs. Butler, your mother, that Scorlett was in the sleazy motel with that moled up man Ashley…I'm so sorry, if you hate me I'd understand."
Butthoarder gave a sharp look and Mustache responded with a shocked squeak of glee and sheer disbelief.
They strode in silence for a few paces until Butthoarder let out a jovial laugh and smiled while eyeing Anne's little milk missiles.
"Well, that's quite alright with me...but I dooo expect you to make it up to me in a dare I say it...naughty manner…"
Anne then fell off the horse with a thud and Rat Tail bounced loosely, turning on Mustache watching in strain and guilty enjoyment. Butthoarder also fell off his horse, trying to make her feel better, and helped her up copping a creepy feel, which in turn sent Anne into a tizzy as she had never been touched before. Their eyes met, their hairs danced in tune with their hot bodies, the horses fled, and Butthoarder took Anne in the bushes off the trail. Mustache all the while, kissing Rat Tail with tender pokey smooches. They then made a vow of love, all four of them. It would only be time and an outbreak of herpes and yellow fever that would soon tear them apart.
