It was their first fight. Their first yelling, screaming fight, both of them shouting at each other so loudly that the people living below their apartment called the police on them. It was the first time Soubi had ever fought with his master, the first time he'd ever yelled at Ritsuka and argued with him and gotten angry with him. When the police came, Soubi just locked himself in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub, letting Ritsuka deal with the police. He understood Ritsuka's point of view just fine; that wasn't the problem at all. It was just that Ritsuka had no idea what he was asking of Soubi.
Soubi listened to Ritsuka bang at the bathroom door, the anger slowly fading from his voice and turning into desperation. He pleaded for him to come out, apologizing again and again for saying what he did, even resorting to collapsing at the door, crying and begging. Soubi couldn't do anything and didn't want Ritsuka seeing him in the state he was in. His fight with Ritsuka had brought up all those bad memories again. For a couple hours he simply sat in the bathtub like a little kid, holding his ears and trying to block out all those memories and thoughts about his pathetic life.
Their fight had been about how Soubi never shared anything about his past. Ritsuka didn't understand why. He thought that Soubi simply didn't want him to know or that Soubi had forgotten a lot. He didn't seem to understand that there was a distinction between forgetting, choosing to forget, and wanting desperately to forget. When Soubi looked away and said 'I don't remember' when Ritsuka asked him who his first kiss was, it didn't actually mean that he didn't remember. It meant that Soubi remembered, but wanted to forget. He also didn't want to tell Ritsuka. Why would Ritsuka want to know his first kiss had been with someone forty years his senior and it had been when he was four? Or that the first person he ever dated was him, Ritsuka, and that Soubi was pathetic enough to never have dated anyone else? Soubi knew that Ritsuka would judge him if he knew. He liked the way Ritsuka looked up to him and loved him for being the tall, strong man who was interesting and loving. He wasn't so sure what Ritsuka would think of Beaten and Abused Soubi.
Eventually, Ritsuka stopped banging on the door and simply cried, moving away from the bathroom, probably to sit on the bed. Soon afterwards, Soubi found himself again and came out of the bathroom. He stood in the doorway, watching Ritsuka sit on the bed and cry into a fleece blanket, the boy not even looking up when Soubi sat on the bed beside him.
Soubi placed a hand on the back of Ritsuka's neck, letting the boy know he was there. "Ritsuka, do you know who my first real kiss was?" He asked softly, rubbing the back of Ritsuka's neck.
Ritsuka looked up at him, his eyes blotchy and bloodshot. Tears still rolled down his face, and Soubi reached out, gently wiping them away with the sleeve of his shirt. Ritsuka grabbed Soubi's wrist suddenly, as if to try to keep him from getting away and escaping into the bathroom again. "No," He answered, his voice shaking and quivering with the sobbing that was still coming out in short intervals. "Who?"
Soubi wanted to smile at him, but he couldn't bring himself to. He curled his fingers around Ritsuka's, holding his much smaller hand in his own. He met Ritsuka's teary eyes, speaking slowly, "It was you, Ritsuka. When we met."
Ritsuka yanked his hand back, scowling and then turning completely away from Soubi. "Liar," He hissed, not looking back at Soubi, who could still see him wiping his eyes.
"I'm not lying to you," Soubi tried again, reaching for the boy's hand again. "I wish I was, though." Ritsuka moved his hand out of Soubi's reach with a soft growl. Soubi backed off, not wanting to get bitten by the cat.
"Please, Ritsuka."
Ritsuka hadn't called him a liar in a long time and it hurt, especially since Soubi wasn't lying. This is what Ritsuka had demanded from him in their fight, and now he was getting it. Maybe it wasn't in the way he wanted, but it was the truth in all its glory. Or un-glory, Soubi thought bitterly.
Ritsuka was just going to think he was pathetic after this. He knew what the boy wanted. He wanted to hear that Soubi had had a somewhat normal life. He wanted stories of Soubi in high school and tales of falling in love and the heartbreak that followed. He wanted to hear fairytales of brave, heroic Soubi, not the kid who'd been too afraid to say no and too terrified to tell. Ritsuka thought that his past was just like any other guy's off the street, but more exciting. He expected great things, and all Soubi had to tell of were the nightmares that still haunted him today. He'd be let down. He'd lose the respect and love he had for the Fighter.
"You're lying," Ritsuka muttered, sniffling. "Stop. Just go away."
"Please look at me."
"No!" Ritsuka sobbed, his face in his hands. Soubi reached out for him again, tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder. All he wanted was to see Ritsuka's face so he could comfort the boy and get him to stop crying. He knew he had to talk to him. The way the fight had started was from Ritsuka finding Soubi looking at a photograph of a blonde woman. He'd asked who it was and then when Soubi wouldn't tell him, he'd immediately thought that it was a girlfriend Soubi couldn't let go of, which had led to the fight about his past.
"Ritsuka, I'm not lying to you!" Soubi's grip tightened on Ritsuka's shoulder, squeezing tightly as he remembered all the forced kisses, all the times he'd been kissed violently and was too young to know what was going on. "You were my first kiss. All the other ones don't count."
"…And why not?" Ritsuka snapped, clearly still angry.
Soubi pulled away from him, wishing he could stop right here and never have to relive those memories. "They were forced. I was four, Ritsuka. I didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't know why He would pin me down and shove his tongue in my mouth. Even when I got older, He still never asked if I wanted it or not."
"Wha…?" Ritsuka finally, finally turned to look at Soubi. The older male couldn't bring himself to look into Ritsuka's eyes. He know what he'd see there—pity and loss of respect. It would just hurt even more to see it. Ritsuka spoke again, after silence from Soubi filled a few long moments, "…Soubi?"
"Do you want to know who the first person I dated was?" Soubi continued on. Maybe Ritsuka understood now and would tell Soubi to stop. He'd wanted to know the truth. He was getting the truth. It just wasn't what he wanted to hear. Soubi wasn't going to stop, though, unless Ritsuka told him to. He could only pray to a god he didn't believe in that Ritsuka would have the sense to do so.
"That woman?" Ritsuka guessed, quietly, gently. His anger had seemingly disappeared, along with his sadness. When Soubi dared to make eye contact with him, he saw curiosity, instead of the disappointment he expected.
"No, Ritsuka, it was you. Do you really want to know who that woman was?" Soubi dropped Ritsuka's gaze, wanting to hold Ritsuka's hand instead, but was too afraid to ask or to just take it. The last thing he wanted was to be rejected by Ritsuka, the first person he had ever truly loved. He was scared, scared that Ritsuka would leave after hearing this, even if it was only for a few days to think things over. He understood why Ritsuka would want some time to digest everything he was going to hear, he just didn't want him to leave while he did so. The simple thought of being alone just terrified Soubi.
Ritsuka hesitated, but then nodded. He wiped his eyes again, destroying the proof that he'd been crying just minutes before. "Please tell me, Sou," He whispered, using the nickname he sometimes called Soubi by.
"That was my mother, Ritsuka," Soubi sighed, taking a deep breath before going on. He fought off the images and memories of the explosion. The smell, oh god, he could still remember the scent of burnt flesh and burning petroleum. Then there were the screams of his parents, of the firemen, of the other drivers, all of them yelling but not one of them able to pull Soubi or his parents out in time.
"Your…your mother?" Ritsuka stammered, guilt filling his face. Soubi only nodded, knowing that that picture, one of the only remaining photos of her, was destroyed. Ritsuka had ripped it up out of anger. At that point, Soubi had nearly broken down.
"She and my father died in a car explosion when I was four," Soubi told Ritsuka. That was the one thing Soubi remembered about his parents—that explosion. That, and the fact that they'd loved him and he'd been happy. After that, he'd forgotten the meaning of being happy, only to rediscover it when he met Ritsuka.
Ritsuka just stared at him, wide eyed, astonished. Soubi wanted to move in and close the distance between them. He wanted to hug the boy until the pain of this entire ordeal passed. Perhaps now he'd understand why it was hard to talk about his past. It was easier to focus on the present, the present here with Ritsuka. That was all he wanted to focus on. He'd tear his own soul out if it meant stopping all the pain. He wanted to ignore it and make it fade far, far away. Ritsuka made that all go away.
"You know Ritsu-sensei, Ritsuka?"
Ritsuka just nodded.
It took Soubi a moment before he could go on, but he somehow found the strength to do so, "He was the person my parents left to look after me. Do you know what he did to me, Ritsuka? Do you know why I don't speak to him anymore?"
"No, I…I don't, Soubi. What happened?" Ritsuka put his hand over Soubi's, his smaller hand covering Soubi's. He moved a bit closer, fully taking his hand in his own, making it so they were so close that their legs were touching.
"He was the one who would hold me down and kiss me when I was young. Ritsuka…" Soubi whispered, leaning on him a little. "You've seen the whip scars on my back. Those aren't all from your brother." He closed his eyes, putting his head on Ritsuka's shoulder and nuzzling his neck briefly. Ritsuka froze, but Soubi just pressed a gentle kiss on his neck and pulled him into a tight hug. That was enough for tonight. Ritsuka was obviously shocked by what Soubi had told him. He'd tell him more later.
…
It was a day later when Soubi finally gathered the nerve to tell more. They were laying on the couch, supposedly watching a movie, though Soubi was paying too much attention to the way Ritsuka had absentmindedly placed a leg in-between Soubi's and would shift his position ever so slightly, so that he rubbed his thigh against Soubi's crotch. He had no idea whether or not Ritsuka knew he was doing it, but it was driving Soubi absolutely mad. The light, sometimes long, kisses didn't exactly help, either.
In order to keep himself in a mostly un-aroused state, he let his mind wander again, and where it went was straight to the fight and the conversation that had followed. He'd told Ritsuka of his first kiss, his first date, his parents, and a bit about Ritsu. He hadn't said anything on the topic of his ears, and he knew Ritsuka was wondering, but too afraid to ask. He probably suspected that it was something else pathetic, just like everything else in Soubi's past.
"Ritsuka," Soubi said quietly, shaking the boy laying on his chest lightly. Ritsuka hadn't moved in a few minutes and his breathing had evened out, telling Soubi he was most likely asleep. "Ritsuka," He tried again, shaking him a bit harder. Ritsuka made a sound, batted at his hands, and went back to sleep. Soubi laughed, trying to think of ways to get his tired, irritated kitten up. He didn't think Ritsuka had slept well the previous night, most likely kept up by Soubi himself, since he'd had nightmares. However, Ritsuka had attempted to comfort Soubi instead of just going with the easy choice and sleeping on the couch.
"Ritsuka, I have something important to tell you," Soubi shook him again, making sure to be gentle.
This got the sleepy teen's attention, and he finally opened his big violet eyes and looked up at Soubi, "What is it?"
It took Soubi a moment to gather the courage to tell Ritsuka. He was revealing the secret he'd told nobody, not even Kio. Thinking about it hurt, brought back memories of not having anyone to run to or any place to go, since Ritsu had been his legal guardian. He hadn't been able to run away, either, since he couldn't drive a car and there were surveillance cameras all over the campus. He couldn't hide in his dorm room, as that was the place where Ritsu had violated him the most. The closest Soubi had had to some sort of 'safe' place was his dorm room's closet.
"I've never had sex," Soubi averted his eyes from Ritsuka's, reaching over stroke a kitten ear before he was slapped away. He then returned his eyes to a very angry, tired kitten.
"You don't have to lie to me to get me to wake up," He frowned, glaring, before lifting himself off Soubi's chest and beginning to stalk off to the bedroom. Soubi caught his wrist, though, before he could get very far, and refused to let go of him.
Soubi looked Ritsuka in the eyes, although Ritsuka was clearly very angry at him. Perhaps he'd already forgotten what had happened after their fight and the way he'd jumped to conclusions then, as well, and had later felt bad about it. Maybe he really was convinced that Soubi had decided to joke around about such a serious topic. He didn't have his ears and tail, after all, so that was probably what it seemed like. Still, it hurt to be accused of being a liar when he was trying to tell Ritsuka the thing he hid deep, deep inside.
"I'm being serious," Soubi insisted, keeping a good hold on Ritsuka's wrist. He silently pulled the boy back, though Ritsuka fought and yanked back. Soubi took his other wrist in his other hand, making it so Ritsuka was trapped in front of him. Ritsu had done this to him a million times, though much more violently. He'd take both of Soubi's wrists in his hand, pin them above him, hold him down, and smirk, telling him that there was no escaping, no hope left.
"That isn't the sort of thing to joke around about, Soubi!" Ritsuka snapped, pulling and pulling, attempting his escape. "I'm tired! I just want to go to bed!"
"Then listen to me and I'll let you go to bed!" Soubi shot back, pulling Ritsuka closer. He felt exactly like Ritsu, trying to keep a teenager from running away from him by using his strength and forcing him to stay, even when Ritsuka was saying no and trying to get away. He had to stay. Soubi had something to say and he was going to make Ritsuka listen to him. This was what the boy had wanted, wasn't it? He'd asked for a passage into his memories so he could finally piece together who Soubi really was. He was just giving him what he'd wanted.
Ritsuka still didn't relax, still didn't stop pulling. He was a younger Soubi, trying desperately to get away from a man forcing him to do something he didn't want. That meant Soubi was Ritsu. He still couldn't let go of Ritsuka, though, even though he knew how bad this was, how much he reminded himself of the man he hated.
Ritsuka was yelling again, just like he'd been last night, too, "You have no ears! You and I both know you're not a virgin! Let go of me and just stop lying! Stop! I'm tired, Soubi! I just want to sleep right now!"
"Stop! I'm tired, Sensei! I just want to sleep! Please let me go!"
Soubi released Ritsuka, coming to the sudden realization of what he was doing. Ritsuka had fear in his eyes and he was tired, looking as though he was about to pass out. He just wanted to sleep and Soubi had… Soubi had done the exact same thing Ritsu had done to him. He hadn't pushed Ritsuka down and pinned him to the floor or the bed, but he'd still forced him to stay when he hadn't wanted to. Ritsuka had said no and Soubi hadn't listened.
Ritsuka stumbled backwards, as he'd still been pulling when Soubi let him go. He fell to the floor , landing on his butt with a yelp of pain. Soubi didn't look to see if he was alright, instead hiding his face in his hands. He was not like Ritsu. He was not like Ritsu. He was not like Ritsu.
"I…" Soubi muttered, wanting to get out of here so he couldn't hurt Ritsuka. "I never said I wasn't a virgin…"
"You said you'd never had sex…" Ritsuka reminded him quietly, most likely too surprised to yell anymore. Soubi just nodded, peaking at Ritsuka, finding the boy's expression confused and not angry.
"What did you…" Ritsuka began to ask, but never finished, since it seemed to dawn on him at that moment. Slowly, he sat up, his eyes trained on Soubi, the confusion still there, as well as something else. "You… you're not trying to tell me…?"
"I've never had sex," Soubi repeated again, hiding away from Ritsuka, unable to look at him. "But someone violated me when I was young…"
He heard Ritsuka get up, picked up the sound of his soft footfalls, felt a comforting, gentle had on his shoulder, and still did not look up. Ritsuka knew now. He was the first and only person who actually knew. Kio suspected, but did not know. This was the first time he'd ever told anyone. As a child, he had been too afraid to go tell one of the teachers or school counselors. All the other kids had known, as well, and had taunted Soubi, but hadn't cared enough to say anything.
"I'm sorry, Soubi," Ritsuka whispered, sitting in Soubi's lap and wrapping his arms around his neck. "I… I can't believe I yelled at you like that. I shouldn't of….I really, really shouldn't of."
Soubi finally looked up, wrapping both arms around the teen, his thoughts still on the way he'd forced him to stay and listen to something he hadn't wanted to. He started apologizing to Ritsuka, nuzzling his love's neck and asking for forgiveness for acting just like Ritsu. Ritsuka had to tell him it was alright for five minutes before Soubi finally calmed down enough for Ritsuka to take him into the bedroom and shower him with affection until he fell into a restless sleep.
Hello.
This was originally supposed to be a one shot, but then it reached over 13,000 words, so I split it into three chapters. I'm really, really happy with the outcome. Thank you to the awesome for reading through this on tumblr and giving me her wonderfully long opinoin on it.
Review for more~
~Wolfie
