Things have never been better, and yet they have never been worse.
It's funny how I can feel so lost when I know exactly where I am. I lie to myself, and say it's just hormones. But truth is, I'm overwhelmed. I've turned from this strong, over-confident woman to a weak little girl who can't make up her mind. And I hate it.
But there is one thing I know I want. I want to help. And when they to me I'd be "helping" by carrying a little piece (or, two little pieces) of him, I knew I had to do it.
I won't lie though, it's not like I didn't have second thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to be called Mama. But then again, they wouldn't really be mine. According to the scientists, I'm just a "surrogate". God I hate that word. It makes it sound like we're growing little aliens in incubators. But either way, 9 months of morning sickness is a small price to pay for a lifetime of freedom.
So here I am- 10 sizes bigger and covered in stretch marks. Every so often I feel regretful about my decision, but then I think about what these babies represent. Hope. It's just what she wanted. Showing the world that we are not just soldiers, but lifelong companions of our country. We fight not in vain, but in loyalty to the common cause of liberty.
II don't know how cut out I am for the job, though; bringing these little saviors into the world. It still amazes me that someone with my record would get picked. I guess it's because of my record with… him.
Snake.
Part of me wishes he'd at least come out to see them when they're born, but I know he won't. I'll never forget that conversation I had with him when I told him I was pregnant…
"Pregnant."
"Yes, pregnant. With your children. I am going to be the mother of your children."
At that, he turned to glare at me with his newly cold, blue eyes.
"Mother. No, you're not a mother. You're just the test tube for 2 lab made monsters. Just a surrogate."
I stayed silent. I wasn't sure if I even had a voice left. It wasn't until the tears hit my slightly bulged stomach that I knew I was crying.
And at that, he turned to leave.
Months after, I still felt the sting of his words in my heart. At to this day, I can't get that... that… name he called me out of my head.
He's different. They're all different. But it's what she wanted. What we all want.
I don't know what the future holds for me or the babies. I don't know if this is morally right, or honestly sane. I don't know if we will change the world. But what I do know, is that I am now, and forever will be, just the surrogate.
