!Crack Fic!
CRACKED NIGHTMARE: "The LegEDary"
(Ed, Edd, n Eddy + Pokemon + Slight Cartoon X-over)
(Chapter One: Unexpected Guests and a Jar of Pickles)
It was yet another nice afternoon in Peach Creek, and of course, it was perfect for yet another of Eddy's scams.
"All right, Ed!" Eddy said, "I'm going to make a scam that will blow everyone's minds! We'll be rolling in the dough and jawbreakers, but we're going to need a couch, a hairdryer, old car parts, a giant rubber band, a TV, a pot of flowers and a jar of pickles."
"I am a gopher, Eddy!" Ed said as he ran to get these things.
"What are you building, Eddy?" Double Dee said as he walked up.
Eddy whispered into the sockheaded one's ear.
"But, but that's crazy, Eddy! How would you build one of those?" Double Dee replied in shock.
"That's the point! It'll be like what Triangle Face and his brother do! They'll pay us millions to try this!"
"I still don't think this is such a good idea, Eddy."
"Oh come on, Sockhead, what could possibly go wrong?"
"Bubsy said that and look where it got him…"
…
Despite this, the Eds still built their…whatever it was they were building. The other kids quickly took notice.
"What strange machinery dare defiles the sanctity of our cul de sac?" Rolf yelled as he bit into a Very Large Sausage.
"You're right, Plank," Johnny said to his friend, "That is stranger looking than a hot dog with a mustache!"
"I'm scared," Little Jimmy squeaked, "I wanna go home!"
Jimmy started to run, only to be grabbed by his poofy hair by Eddy.
"Not so fast, Cotton Ball Head!" Eddy said, "This will revolutionize…something, but anyway, it's only a quarter to try this…whatever it is."
No one wanted to see wait this…thing did. Despite Eddy's insistence, the kids all backed away as much as they could.
"Fine! If none of you will try it, I Will!" Eddy yelled, turning toward the machine.
"Eddy, wait!" Edd called, "You don't know what that thing will do to you!"
Eddy ignored any warnings given to him and climbed into the machine.
"Press the button, Ed!"
Ed pressed a conveniently placed nearby button, and the machine began to whirr.
Eddy let out a scream and suddenly shot out through the top of the machine like a rocket, his butt on fire.
Pieces of the machine fell off, but the weirdest thing was, the jar of pickles that had been put in the machine flew out and away. Far off in the distance, there was a purple flash from the direction where the jar flew off.
Then the machine began to rumble even louder, prompting everyone to run for cover.
ERWGFVDSQEWFE
It exploded making the strangest sound the kids had ever heard, and that's saying something considering the show they're all on!
The explosion destroyed someone's house who no one knew.
"Dorks!" Kevin yelled as he and the other kids ran for their houses.
"I'm telling mom!" Sarah screamed.
"I can't believe that scam failed!" Eddy yelled.
"I can," Edd muttered.
Distraught, Eddy went home. He had been so sure that scam would have worked…
…
Soon, it was the middle of the night, and everyone was asleep of course, except for Ed, maybe, he's probably catching the "Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, and I mean really late, so late it's almost early movie".
Eddy woke up. He felt like someone else was in his bed. Hopefully, it wasn't Ed here to pepper him with random questions and nearly destroy the cul de sac in the process again, but then again, he would have definitely smelled him, and as far as he knew, the only scent he could smell that he knew of was only the vague smell of seawater, and of course some dirty socks he probably hadn't washed in about 9001 years.
Seawater? Eddy looked over beside him and saw a large lump in his bed. Maybe it was Ed after all.
"I don't want to hear about your crazy questions, Lumpy!" Eddy started to yell as he threw over the covers of his bed off whatever it was.
Well, that wasn't Ed; it was…a disembodied head of what appeared to be a weird looking white dragon/bird type creature.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Eddy screamed, falling backwards off his bed.
Eddy peeked over the bed. There was definitely a head with a little bit of neck still attached. It didn't seem to be unattached in a gory M-rated type way though; where the neck stopped, it looked like how a stick of butter looks after being sliced. Basically, it looked as if it was supposed to be just a head and neck.
Nervously, Eddy poked it with a stick that was lying under the bed. Was it dead? Eddy poked it again.
Suddenly, its eyes opened and the head let out a shriek. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HH"
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Eddy yelled.
"GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIII" the head yelled.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH H" Eddy yelled.
"Kid, can you stop screaming?" the head said.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAA" Eddy yelled, "I'M IN A ROOM WITH A TALKING HEAD! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA "
Eddy turned to run but ran straight into the wall and knocked himself out.
…
When Eddy came to, he found himself back in bed.
"Whew! It was just a dream," Eddy said, relieved.
Eddy went, got dressed, and ate breakfast, wondering how he would try to get quarters today.
After eating all the marshmallows out of his bowl of Lucky Charms, he left his house and bumped into Double Dee, who was out exercising as the sun rose.
"Up early, Double Dee?" Eddy asked.
"Yes, Eddy, about thirty minutes of physical exercise in the morning is a good routine." Double Dee said. (Of course, this didn't seem to have any effect on his scrawny figure, but oh well.)
Before anyone said anything else, however, there was a shout from Ed's house.
"I WILL VANQUISH YOU, EVIL HEAD FROM PLANET ZORR"
"Well, Ed is dreaming, apparently," Edd said.
Eddy suddenly had an idea, and it showed, a light bulb appeared over his head.
"Oh thank you, Eddy," said Edd, taking the bulb, "I have been in need of a light bulb for my reading lamp."
"I think I know what went wrong yesterday!" Eddy said, "We need to go to Lumpy's place, though!"
Eddy ran in his usual way to the house of the B-movie watcher while Edd ran behind, probably out of curiosity.
The two Eds climbed in through the window, and were met with a strange sight.
Ed was still asleep, and was dressed in an armor made of a bucket, his pillow, his lamp, and a tube of toothpaste. He was swinging a mop at a strange tower of junk, but that wasn't the weirdest thing, though. Eddy saw, to his shock, that the head that he found in his bed last night was floating in an old fish tank screaming at the funnily dressed boy, who apparently took little notice.
Edd noticed, too. "Eddy, is that…an animate head?!" he squeaked.
The boys suddenly heard a voice in their heads. "It isn't Manaphy and Ditto sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Edd and Eddy screamed.
They screamed so loud that they woke up all the other kids in the cul de sac.
"YOU HAVE BEEN DEFEATED" Ed shouted as he knocked the tank down.
CrasH!
The head began flopping around on the ground screeching.
All three Eds began screaming. (Though in Ed's case, it was probably a war cry.) They stood there for about thirty seconds until a very familiar scream filled the air.
"I'm gonna tell Mom if you don't shut up!"
"Oh no!" Ed said, stopping mid-war cry, "It is Sarah!"
"What do we do?" Edd wheezed, worn out from screaming.
"Why don't you tell me just what you did with MY body?!" The voice said, the Eds still hearing it in their heads.
Eddy was still screaming, mostly over what was supposedly a dream was in fact, real. That didn't help keep things quiet. Soon Sarah was yelling again.
"If you're not going to stay quiet, I'll make you stay quiet!"
The sound of footsteps could be heard overhead. Sarah was coming all right.
Now the Eds were panicking again. Ed over Sarah coming, Edd over the messy room, and Eddy over the head.
Sarah was heading down the stairs to the basement and was rounding the corner to Ed's room.
Sarah looked in the room to see…nothing; Ed had lifted his entire room up in the air.
"Ed, what is going on?"
Ed just stood there until he said: "Um, weight lifting?"
"I'm telling Mom anyway!" Sarah said, turning back up the stairs.
"Oh!" Ed said, turning and running away, dropping his room.
I bet Edd and Eddy wished that gravity decided to sleep in today.
Ka Smash!
Edd crawled out from under Ed's bed. "I suppose today I should have stayed in bed."
Eddy knocked an empty jar of gravy off his leg, and felt something on his head.
It tumbled off onto the floor, and it turned out to be the head.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Eddy yelled.
"Would you stop screaming every time you see me?" It said.
"What are you?" Double Dee said, crawling up to get a closer look.
The head didn't answer Edd's question and instead let out a roar.
"What did you do with my body?!"It yelled.
"Man, I can't believe this…"
"Your body?" Edd asked, "What are you talking about?"
The Head, who referred to itself as Lugia, said that he was minding his own business when a hole in the sky opened, and a strange fireball hit him. He was knocked unconscious on contact, but not before he felt the strange sensation that his body was breaking into pieces, and also saw that the fireball that hit him looked strangely like a jar of pickles.
Edd had a vague memory of a jar of pickles from yesterday…
"I don't have a clue where the rest of me is, but I have a feeling that it isn't all in one place…" Lugia sighed.
"Well, where should we look?" Edd asked nervously.
Suddenly, Eddy spoke up. "Hey, I know what we can do!"
"That's great, Eddy," Edd said, "What do you propose we do?"
…
"Step right up, ladies and germs!" Eddy yelled, "Witness the wonder of the mysterious talking head! Only a Quarter!"
Edd facepalmed as he looked at what was going on.
On a crudely made stage, Lugia's head sat in a glass case. Behind a curtain, Ed manipulated him like a puppet. Kevin and the other kids gawked at what appeared to be the weirdest thing ever seen.
"So, Mr. Head," Eddy said, "what do you think of our crowd today?"
"I think they need lots of peanut butter!" Lugia supposedly said, but it was actually Ed.
"Oh really? (Ed! Try better than that!) Well, where should we get the peanut butter?"
"Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go!"
"This is really lame, dudes," Nazz said.
"Try better next time, dorks!" Kevin said, "The head is so obviously made of plastic!"
"Eddy!" Double Dee yelled, "Shouldn't we be focusing on fixing this poor creature's problem?"
"Hold on, Double Dee, I'm just doing this for laughs!" Eddy said. Then he turned back toward the spectacle.
"Hey, Mr. Head, you gonna sing a song for the nice (and some not so nice, looking at you, Kevin) people?"
"Sure," Lugia "said", "I-I-I-I ain't got no body…"
"I can't believe this!" Lugia said, his voice echoing in everyone's heads, "I have never been more humiliated ever since…ever!"
He then knocked the case over, taking the curtain with it, revealing Ed up on a ladder, still holding the puppet strings. He flopped like a fish across the stage and hid behind a bush. And the kids…laughed!
"That was the funniest thing I have ever seen!" Kevin snorted, "Even your stupid puppets can't stand your dorky scams!"
The kids walked off laughing, but not before Johnny tossed Eddy a quarter. "Plank says he should give this to you because he laughed so hard."
Eddy was happy anyway. One quarter was good enough for him. He was so happy he didn't see Edd walking up to him carrying Lugia.
"Eddy! Shouldn't we get back to business, i.e., finding this poor creature's body parts?"
"Sure, Double Dee! I just had to get at least one scam in today!"
Then suddenly, Ed grabbed Lugia's mouth. "Hi, Eddy! Will you help me?"
"Stop that!"
"So let's start looking around here," Double Dee said, "None of them can't be too far…"
So the three Eds started their search, totally being unaware of what they were in for…
…
In a forest in a different world, two brown haired kids were looking for something.
"You sure this is where it landed, Dipper?" the girl asked.
"Well, there's smoke coming from over there," Dipper said, "It can't be too far now."
The siblings peeked over a log, and there, embedded into the ground, was:
"A jar of Pickles?" Mabel said, "And I thought what happens when you eat Smile Dip was weird."
"I don't know, Mabel," Dipper said, "It's got a purple glow."
"Aliens?"
Just then, a deer bounded up. It noticed the glow and slowly walked up. Before it could even react, a purple beam suddenly shot out of the jar and hit it.
Dipper and Mabel watched in shock as the Deer suddenly broke into several pieces and each piece flew into a different portal which suddenly appeared.
"Oh my gosh," Mabel whispered.
Suddenly, another purple beam flew towards them!
"Let's get out of here!"
The twins ran away with purple beams flying all around them.
Had they been able to stay longer, they would have noticed something else.
The jar was starting to move!
…
END CHAPTER ONE: (Interesting story behind this fic. While playing around in Garry's Mod, I came up with Ed, Edd, n Eddy standing around the disembodied head of Lugia. I thought: "Eddy's latest scam ends with the inexplicable result of Lugia being blown into several pieces. Can they find all the pieces before something happens to them?" I wound up turning that idea into this Fanfic I'm just starting. From now on, my weirder stories and crack fics will be part of a series called: "Cracked Nightmare". What do you think so far? Drop a review and stay tuned….)
(I do not own Ed, Edd, n Eddy, Pokemon, or Gravity Falls by the way…and also of note, there will be appearances from othercartoon characters.)
