The bell rang in the Captain's Ready Room, letting her know that someone was outside. "Come in!" she said as she put one last picture in the secure casing to make sure that it didn't get damaged in transport. She turned, a smile on her face that became slightly strained when she saw her First Officer standing there. "Chakotay," she said, putting the picture down. "What can I do for you? Shouldn't you be packing up?"
Chakotay nodded, still marveling at the amount of self control the woman had. He had seen the momentary dismay flicker through her eyes, but it had been quickly hidden. Was it dismay at seeing him? "I just have a few more things to finish up. This is one of them."
Kathryn looked puzzled, but sat down on her couch, indicating for Chakotay to sit with her.
Chakotay sat, using the deep breathing methods that his grandfather had taught him to help control himself when he was nervous or excited. "I wanted to…talk."
Kathryn nodded, keeping her face perfectly impassive as she let him know that she was willing to listen. She didn't want to let her first officer and friend know how confused she occasionally became in his presence. She was a captain first, before she was a woman and would never let what she considered her feminine weaknesses influence her common sense.
"I just wanted to…tell you that it has been an honor serving with you for these past seven years. I have to admit, at first, I was wary. Being a Maquis made me suspicious by nature of the Federation and when our crew joined with yours, at first I made no effort to discipline my people when they acted out against yours. Now however, I want to tell you that I have complete trust in you and I am delighted and honoured to have been a member of your crew."
Kathryn didn't say anything, so astounded by her friend's speech. He was acting so formal, something he almost never did around her. "Is something wrong Chakotay?" she asked. He seemed sadder than usual in what should have been his happiest moment. They were finally home; back in Federation space, back in the Alpha Quadrant! He would be able to see his family again, make a life with…with Seven.
Chakotay shook his head. "No. Yes. I don't know! I've just been thinking a lot since we've gotten back."
"About?" Kathryn prompted him.
"About life, about my future, the future of my friends. I'm going to miss my life here on Voyager," he admitted.
Kathryn smiled. "I will too." The crew had been through a lot together in the past seven years, they had become a family. It would hurt to split up her family, but Kathryn knew that they would still keep in touch. Families did not just cut themselves off from each other and she hoped that this one wouldn't. "I'm glad that I met you Chakotay. My life would not have been the same without you in it."
"Mine either," Chakotay said, hardly able to imagine what his life would have been like without the vibrant Kathryn Janeway in it. She had been his friend for seven years, had believed in him and had been there for him when he needed her. She alone had been the one willing to listen to him when they had been in chaotic space and everyone else thought he was hallucinating. He himself had believed that he was crazy. But she had believed in him—been his sanity. Sometimes, Chakotay had believed—hoped—that Kathryn cared for him as more than a friend, believed that he had caught glimpses of feelings, but they always seemed to be short and fleeting. And Kathryn was good at hiding her emotions. "I'm just…unsure of what I'm going to do after this."
Kathryn agreed with her first officer. "For seven years my only goal was to make it back home—was to return bring this crew safely back. Now that I've done it…." Kathryn shook her head with a smile. Chakotay was not the only one who was confused about the path his life would take him in.
"I'll miss you Kathryn," Chakotay said, looking fondly at the woman whom he had come to love and respect.
Kathryn looked at her friend and was surprised to see something stirring in his dark eyes; an emotion that she had seen before, but that had been masked quickly until now. Now, Chakotay did nothing to hide what he was feeling, keeping his own gaze locked instead on the hazel eyes of his captain.
Kathryn got to her feet, smoothing her hands instinctively over her uniformed hips, wiping her suddenly sweaty palms on the synthetic material. "Are you sure you've finished everything? Cleaned out your quarters?"
Chakoay stood up, reaching out to touch Kathryn, but stopping himself—just. "Why are you running Kathryn?" he asked, his voice quiet, his face kind.
"I'm not running from anything Commander," she said firmly, falling back—as always when uncomfortable—on formalities. Carefully, she began to turn away.
This time, Chakotay did take her by the arm. "Please Kathryn, don't shut me out," he begged.
Kathryn let out an exhausted breath. "I'm not shutting you out Commander. I am merely very busy. We are landing on Earth in mere hours and I have to finish preparing."
"That's not true and you know it. You have been pushing me away ever since Seven and I have begun dating. I don't know exactly what it is I've done to offend you, but I want to know! I feel as if somehow I've done something wrong and am being punished for it. I would never intentionally hurt you Kathryn, you know that, don't you?"
Kathryn rolled her eyes, closing them briefly. "Of course I know that," she said, trying to keep her voice normal and even. She didn't want to let him know how her arm was tingling slightly where his fingers rested or how she could feel her pulse racing. "I'm not punishing you Chakotay. I'm glad that you and Seven have found happiness. I've just been so busy with finding a way to get the crew home…." Kathryn shook her head and smiled at her long-time friend. "Honestly Chakotay, I really am happy for you. Now however, I need to prepare for transport back onto Earth." She managed to pull away when his voice stopped her.
"Damn it Kathryn you can't keep doing this to me!" he shouted.
The woman turned around, her face filled with puzzlement. "Doing what Chakotay?" she asked, wondering if he was feeling all right.
"Running out on me whenever I want to talk! When things start to get deep, you always come up with some excuse or another not to have to face it—to face me! I'm tired of it Kathryn! All I want is the truth!"
"What truth? What do you want from me?" Kathryn's temper rose to the surface. She had managed to keep it under control, but, even though she rarely showed it, Kathryn had a fiery temper that was always bubbling just beneath the surface. Now, Chakotay was pushing her to the edge and she couldn't take it anymore. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? "I don't know what it is you want me to say Chakotay. I don't hate you, I'm not pushing you away, I just don't know what you want from me!" The woman's eyes were filling with tears as she glared at her first officer.
Chakotay stepped back a little, his anger ebbing only slightly. A sliver of guilt entered his stomach. He was about to make Kathryn Janeway cry. The woman who had faced the Borg, the Kazon, Maquis mutiny, Vidiians, Talaxians, the Ocampa and countless other dangers without flinching now had tears in her eyes. Because of him.
Kathryn noticed how Chakotay's eyes widened and realized that her eyes were damp. Quickly, she swiped them impatiently. "Now, if you'll excuse me…." She turned away.
"I don't want anything from you Kathryn. Just the truth; what you're feeling. You hide behind that Starfleet uniform of yours when I know there's a real person under there. I just want to know what that real person is thinking!"
Kathryn glared at Chakotay, losing what little composure she had left. "I have every right to my feelings Chakotay and I do not need to share every detail of my life with you. You know more about me than almost anyone else on this ship. If I decide to keep a few things to myself, what should it matter to you? And I do not hide from my feelings. But being a captain means putting your feelings last, behind those of others. I appreciate your concern for me Chakotay, but it really is not needed. Now, if you don't mind…." Kathryn tried to push past her first officer to leave her Ready Room.
"I do mind. I damn well mind!" Chakotay said angrily, grabbing Kathryn by the arm.
The two officers were almost nose to nose, each able to feel the other's breath fanning their face.
Heat flew through Kathryn's body and Chakotay's eyes flashed.
"Th-that's enough Commander," Kathryn said, pulling her arm out of her stunned comrade's grasp before she did something she might regret. "Good-bye."
