Hate me if you feel like it. It isn't like I'm ever going to change for you. I live only for myself. In the end that's what we all do as long as we live.
When I look back it's almost as I miss the small thing that gave me so much joy. The first bath of the year, watching cartoons in the weekend. When did it all become so hard? It must have been when we became me and you. We don't work for me anymore. I'm alone, and I always will be. I'm lost, nobody can save me. No one can hurt me, no one can kill me. I don't belong here, I can't feel and I'm not alive. I'm just here. Breathing, thinking simply existing.
My point in life is to kill the only family I have then build it up again. I've honestly started to wonder why lately.
I've never told anyone, but the only reason I've wanted… want to kill my brother is because I can't rest knowing he's alive, and I'm very sure that I'm not resting right now.
I have to kill him, I can't back down now. I want to be remembered even after my death, not as the one that backed down from avenging his family, but the one who killed the murderer of my family. My own brother.
Fuck it!
I cursed at myself, I regret ever swearing to kill him. What I don't regret is leaving that place. I've grown a lot since that. Mentally and physically, I've meet some new… people. I don't dare calling them friends. I might have had friends once. It's too late for all that now. It's in the past, still I wonder if they still think about me, or even miss me. It's too late for me ever returning now, I don't belong there anymore. I don't belong on this earth anymore.
I like blaming my brother for everything. I still think he made me do this, give up everything I ever cared for. Again, he didn't force me to do it, well directly.
I've learned a lot from it. I've grown, maybe I'll one day find friends, even forgiveness in my old friends. I've become too soft, way too soft. Still I don't know a thing about feelings. I have a hard time figuring what other feel. Who knows, maybe I'm suffering from Autism. It would sure explain the way I'm around girls.
Girls that I like, and if they don't like me it's as worse as it gets. There is a girl that I've meet. She's traveling with us. She's so amazing and she doesn't seem to like me, not that way. She's only traveling with us. I think she hates us all really. No, she seems to like Suigetsu.
That bastard, who the hell likes a boy with baby blue hair, he claims that it's grey. Then again, is gray really any better? He even makes her laugh. I don't know what to do with her. I'm going to make her mine somehow. I'm so possessive. I just feel that she's the perfect girl for me. Nothing like the girls in my hometown. She doesn't care about her looks, even if she could be as pretty as a doll.
She does cares about everyone else. Even about me, but every time she talks to me… I just can't talk back. Even if she's so caring she could be cold as ice. Her glare could make my brother burst out crying. I've laughed so many times with that idea, but it brings me back to the reason why she's even allowed to travel with us at all. She has information, about my brother's first girlfriend.
I remember her, I never know how such a nice person could be my brother's girlfriend. I'm quite sure that they're still not together. Even my brother had tricked me into believing he was a nice person. If it's one thing that I'm sure of right now, I hate my brother after all!
