"Isn't the sunrise beautiful, Patrick?" "Yeah, and the view in here is much better than my house."
I jump in surprise. I don't know why I'm shocked; at least once a week, I wake up and find these morons in my bed.
"Hello Spongebob, hi Patrick," I say pleasantly, "Would you mind telling me WHY THE HELL YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!?" "Oh, me and Patrick were just watching the sunrise." "Okay, would you like to leave and let me sleep for TEN FREAKING MINUTES?" "No, we're good."
Sometimes their stupidity suprises even me. "That was a rhetorical question." "What is reetarical?" "It's rhetorical, and it means it doesn't need an answer." "Okay, we'll just go back to watching the sunset." "I don't think you understand me. I want you to GET THE HELL OUT!" "Okay, see you at work, buddy." FML
I lay my head on the pillow, trying to sleep for a few minutes. As soon as I get comfortable, the alarm rings. Oh come on, I have at least another hour! I look at the time, and see that my alarm went off too soon. Weird.
I know I won't be able to go back to sleep, so I get up. I change into my work clothes and walk to the Krusty Krab early so I won't see Spongebob on the way.
I get to work an hour early, so I go to the back and light up a cuban. That's right, I smoke the occasional cigar. Don't tell anyone. It's a secret.
"Watcha doin, Squidward?" Spongebob said. God damn it, the Krusty Krab doesn't open for an hour, what is he doing here? I put out my cigar and hide it under my shirt. "I was, um, playing with matches." "What? That's not safe, Squidward!" He runs to Mr. Krabs's house to get him, and when they come back, I get to spend an hour being lectured about fire safety.
My shift starts, and I take my place at the register. The door opens, and we have our first customer of the day.
"Um, I want an, um, wait, I'll have, wait…" This goes on for ten minutes, and he eventually decides on a Krabby Patty. If I didn't need this job, I would bitch slap the shit out of this kind of people. I put in the order; after a while, I look back in the kitchen, where Spongebob is taking his sweet time making the sandwich. "I have somewhere to be, could you hurry up?"
When Spongebob finally brings out the Krabby Patty, I ask the guy for the money. "It looks like I'm 50 cents short." Son of a bitch. "If it'll get you to leave sooner, here's a dollar." He hands the dollar back and says, "Thanks. Keep the change!"
I need a new job.
My shift ends and I go home. I watch TV until really late, then go to bed. As soon as I get to sleep, I hear, "Hey Patrick, aren't these stars beautiful?"
Somebody kill me.
