A/N: I put Cadman on Lorne's team because I'm not-so-secretly in love with her, Parrish is there because he's a chirpy little camper and I invented Sergeant Other to be the fourth team member. He is intended to be a completely one-dimensional character. I'll probably end up turning this into a series of drabbles set offworld, but I'll only write them as I think of them - no regular updates. Disclaimer - I don't own, and feedback is adored although flamers will be given to Rodney as mid-morning snacks.
"Shoot them, shoot them, they're pooping on me!"
Flailing and spinning and shrieking like a madman doing a crazy dance, Rodney McKay was panicking as usual. Lorne and Sheppard stood off to one side, shaking with silent laughter, ready to step in if the situation became serious, while Parrish was way too absorbed in the tree he was studying to even notice the situation.
"Rodney, remain still and try not to agitate the birds further," Teyla advised calmly. "They are more afraid of you than you are of them."
"Try telling them that!" Rodney yelped, sneezing loudly as a feather went up his nose. Jeez, was the man allergic to everything?
Suppressing her laughter, Cadman decided that it was up to her to save Rodney from the pigeon things. She had no idea what had attracted them, but within minutes of entering the forest the scientist had become surrounded by a swarm of shrill purple birds.
Aiming her gun upwards so as not to hurt any of the damn things (she didn't want angry natives trying to burn her at the stake again), Cadman fired a round into the air, hoping to scare them off.
"They're still attacking!" Rodney shrieked, stating the obvious as usual. If anything, the loud noise had served to further agitate the birds.
"OK, time to fire at the birds," Sheppard ordered, picking up his P-90. He'd obviously realised that Rodney was going to hyperventilate if he didn't do something. Lorne followed suit, aiming his own gun and shooting at least half a dozen of the purple pigeons before Teyla started shouting at them to stop.
"They are harmless!" she admonished. "You are slaughtering helpless animals!"
"Helpless my ass!" Rodney shouted, scrabbling at his holster for his own handgun. Ignoring Teyla's protests he emptied his entire clip, completely failing to hit a single bird. By this time he was the only one firing, as Sheppard and Lorne feared Teyla's wrath more than they would regret losing Rodney and Cadman felt sorry for the poor birds.
Teyla reached into the chaos that surrounded Rodney and snatched his gun away, but before she could tell him off they all heard a high pitched whistle and turned to see Ronon and Sergeant Other coming through the trees behind them. Sheppard had sent them to the 'jumper for supplies a few minutes before the pigeons attacked.
To everyone's surprise, the pigeons stopped mobbing Rodney and flew en masse towards Ronon and Other. The Sergeant backed away from the Satedan, who was making the whistling noise and started edging towards the rest of the group, reluctant to get himself involved in whatever crazy scheme Ronon was up to.
However, when the pigeons reached the Satedan, they made no move to attack. Instead, they started settling on him as if coming to roost on a fence, wings and heads tucked into their bodies. Ronon spread out his arms to offer more surface to land on until he was completely covered in purple pigeons.
"Cool," Sheppard grinned, going to check that Rodney was alright and stopping several feet away when he realised that the scientist was covered in poop. Tentatively reaching out to the only clean patch of shoulder, he patted Rodney reassuringly.
"Very funny, Colonel," Rodney scowled at the grin on Sheppard's face.
"Where'd you learn to do that?" Cadman asked as she gently stroked the head of a sleeping bird on the end of Ronon's hand. The feathers were soft and fluffy like a duckling's.
"Spent a lot of time in the wild," Ronon replied with a shrug gentle enough not to disturb his new friends. "I listened. Then I practiced until I sounded just like them."
"Great. You're Doctor Dolittle," Rodney huffed. "Can we go home now so I can get a change of clothes?"
"Why does he think I'm a doctor?" Ronon whispered to Teyla as they followed a furious McKay back through the forest towards the 'jumper, the Satedan walking with outstretched arms, still covered in a layer of pigeons.
The Athosian shrugged. "Perhaps one of the birds hit him too hard on the head."
Behind them, Lorne snickered quietly to himself and sped up to walk alongside Sheppard.
