Disclaimer: I don't OWN Inu-chan and Co. - there is no way in Hell I could accomplish something like that!!!
"A thin line between LOVE and HATE"
By Chiisana Anisa
She was hitting him with her little curled up fists, her knuckles turning nearly white on behave all of the anger and un-obtained fury ravaging inside of her. He stood like an unmoving rock watching at her with such a stunned expression on his face.
Then all of a sudden her forceful attack stopped, her mind whirling into blackness, letting go of reality around her. She collapsed into his awaiting arms, hanging on them like a warn out puppet that has been used to much. And her last thought was that someone have had to let go of her restraining strings.
He was shocked. He was amazed. NO . . . no, he was scared. For the first time in his "young" life he was scared. Scared that he has done something probably unrepairable.
Holding her now, in this kind of state, he could feel her anger disappearing in the thin air around them, an anger that was only moments ago passing between their bodies in large drowning waves. It was so strong . . .
Looking a bit closely at her he found almost unreadable expression on her face. Yes, although her beautiful, mystery eyes were now closed, her pretty face gave it away. Someone else, maybe, wouldn't be able to detect it, but he was. He has learned how, he could see it so clearly. It was shaking him to the bones: for anger was one thing - he could deal with it, but . . .
Sorrow?
Lost in his thoughts, he didn't feel the wind picking up around them, leaves flying in circles making a natural shield around these two "broken" shadows. The Sun was slowly setting down, turning them into two cloaked figures, one strong and untouchable holding the other one limply on his arms, just in the middle of the forest clearing.
Breaking a bit out of his reverie, he tried to sort out his thoughts. If he ever hated any other emotion more than the "L" one - it was sorrow. And the sorrow she was now showing was the worst one - broken-hearted sorrow. It was capable of breaking other hearts only by looking at her. O, how he hated it . . .
. . . and he was the one to blame for it.
Once again he glanced at her, then picked her up in his arms with such gentleness that it seemed she would break if he didn't do so. Turning around he headed to the nearest entrance of the forest with the Sun completely sinking down behind him.
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He stirred opening his eyes, his gaze instantly flowing over his surroundings. In a second he was on his feet. Blind panic, such a rarity in his senses, took him over, while his eyes penetrated deeper into the vision of forest. For only one reason.
She was gone.
It was beyond his comprehension why he didn't sense her getting up and leaving. His look steadied itself on his goal founding what was searched for. He took off after her, a minute later and after a few leaps landing few meters from her. She was facing him with her back, her soft, dark hair flowing on the wind, graciously dancing around her face hiding it from him. Her left hand was loose and hanging by her side, only her fist clenched in, but her right hand was raised up also clenched at the bottom of her heart.
The Moon was shining down upon her, making her look very unreal and almost transparent. Like a fairy . . . a beautiful one. His breath was hold in by her sight, his heart racing up a bit. Because . . . even in her sorrow she looked ... preciously breakable.
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She felt him. She always did.
Right now, her heart, mind, together with her soul were rapidly burning inside. It was eating her alive, moment by moment, and only her last brick of sanity was keeping her from ripping her heart out.
His presence was unbearable. It was assaulting all of her senses - her skin, her mind and her alone from head to toes. She was forced to keep her raising anger in check, she had to.
The scene was replaying in her head over and over again, like someone or something turned her mind into VCR and pressed "replay" till no end. The screams, the thickness of the air, roars of the youkais and the driving scent of blood. "Hers" blood . . .
Realizing he was about to speak, she decided to do it instead of him.
"Why?"
Silence hugged the space between them, tugging at the corners of their personal thoughts. But she continued breaking it's trance. "You love her. Don't deny it, it's all over you. You rink of your love for her, so much it hurts." Tears threatened to escape her eyes but with hard decision she blinked them away. 'Not yet' was all she could think.
"She has your heart in her hands now. So just tell me why? Why did you do it?"
Steps were heard behind her, someone softly touching the ground in an attempt to get closer to her. Then a voice meant to be strong, maybe cruel, and definitively ordering said: "Don't.", but it came out like a shivering and a pitiful plea.
So he stopped.
"Do you know how much does it hurts? The hatred? Hers hatred. And her love . . Now, it seems she loved you more than anything else, although everybody thought differently. So much... even more than me...". At this point, tears stroked hers until clear, painfull face. They glistened in the moonlight and reflected at him.
Her last words struck him to the core. She loved him? Almost a minute passed before his mind caught upon the rest of her small speech. She hated him too ... because of her . . . or better said - him. His heart trembled, alarming his owner that it might break in more then just two pieces. "Kagome ..."
"Don't. Just shut up and listen. Please ..." - she broke again, but just to see if he would listen. He did.
"Answer me just one question - do you feel any better now? Now that she's gone, out of your way?" - she stopped and waited eagerly for an answer.
Nothing.
No response. What? Did he forget how to speak or he can't find any words that would be close to sounding normal? What a laugh! And she did just that - she laughed inside, maybe to her own naivete, pure stupidity.
"No."
The word startled her, froze her in place. But her mind still alert, kept asking: 'Then why?'. Only later she registered that she had spoken the question out loud. But he didn't respond. It made her even more angrier.
"Then why?!" - she shrieked in a nervous tone. She turned around now fully facing him with a trail of horror on her pale face. "Dammit! Give me one good reason why she had to die! Tell me WHY Inuyasha!"
At the end of her last sentence she was yelling, and he needed to press his ears to his head. He hated it when she yelled at him, but he was smart enough to know now was not the time to remember the other arguments. Because they were mixed with a happy tone in an angry one, they were funnier. And this one . .. was FAR from it...
But... how could he say it to her? The truth? It would break her unstained picture of the miko to pieces like a shattered mirror. And he can't do that.
"I can't."
"I know what I saw, Inuyasha. I just need to know why."
¨¨/Flashback/¨¨
That terrible emotion crept up her spine, warning her. It was all she could feel. Fear. It was hers, Shippo's, Miroku's, Sango's even . . . even Inuyasha's. It was weird, until she saw another silhouette enter the battle field. The one she feared the most, even more than Naraku. As it seemed - so did the hanyou.
There she was, standing right in front of him. Kagome expected for Inuyasha to move, to jump away, to growl - to do anything! But he just stood there, frozen and staring at her. Actually, it was then she sensed fear coming from Inuyasha. For the first time the hanyou showed that he was afraid of Kikyo. Her own fear only grew bigger . . .
Then . . .
With a scream from both, Kikyo and Inuyasha, drops painted in scarlet colour, flew and following them Tetsusaiga stood high up in the air, fresh blood dripping from it. A terrible, paralysing scream broke trough the field, freezing all the fighters in their current movements. All eyes turned to the person who let it out, now sitting on her knees, head down with her tears soaking the ground beneath her small form. Only to change from the girl to the standing hanyou and a disappearing miko.
"No . ..no . ..no . . . Inuyasha!!" - she could hear the words coming out of her mouth, the flood of emotions and memories taking over her already tortured mind and she collapsed to the ground, before only sensing one pair of amber eyes on her and Sango's quickly approaching aura.
¨¨/End of the Flashback/¨¨
She woke up two hours later, only to once again feel all of that terrible, unwelcome emotions in her heart, and to meet a very strange, worried look in Inuyasha's eyes. She got up, stumbling a bit, then ran out. She ran, ran away from all of them, mostly from him.
He killed her . . . her . . . Inuyasha killed Kikyo . . .
And now she loved him even more then she did before it. So ... she won't accept no, or "I can't" for an answer! She was supposed to hate him, she does . .. but love is stronger . . . much more stronger. And HE can't tell her WHY??!
He pretended he couldn't see her anger, or her despair to finally found out the truth. But on the other hand he knew it was eating her, and she wouldn't hold on for any longer before she came to a point of totally hating him. He had to risk it, because he swore to himself no-one, but absolutely no-one is going to find out what made him to do such a hideous act.
He beat himself mentally for actually doing it, because he was aware of the fact that he wouldn't do it under any other circumstances. But, it was of great importance to him for her, for both of them to live. But that wasn't possible, not in this scenario. So he was forced to choose which one would die . . . it was only his decision . . . and his decision alone.
¨¨/Flashback/¨¨
He felt his heart stop when she appeared in front of him. She was beautiful, like always, in her special way. But, like no other time before, her image was replaced with one of Kagome's. A face that was always smiling at him. . . He had to shook his head to get it out of his mind and to place his concentration on Kikyo. It was then - he saw a pure black arrow in her bow ready to be set to its goal. He was stunned - what did it mean?
"Hello, Inuyasha."
"What the hell are you doing here Kikyo?! This isn't your fight and you know . ."
- he was interrupted by her laugh.
"Of course I know it. I came here to make you decide, once and for all."
He stared at her in shock. Did she hit her head or something? No, certainly not. She had her mind on it, and it bothered him. A small smile did grace her lips, but he wasn't able to sense what she felt. It nerved him . . . all he could sense was a rotten smell of a long dead corpse. An ugliest smell of them all.
"NOW?!"
"Yes, now. I can't see any better time for it then now."
"Well, if you would excuse me, woman, but I have other things to do then to play 'snatch and grab it' with you." - he sensed fear coming from his partners, all of them, and the strongest emanating from Kagome. So, he stole one quick glance at her only to see her shooting an arrow at the large youkai in a deer shape. An ugly one. She had Sango by her side, so he could at least take care of Kikyo.
"I think, and you know it, they can manage on their own, don't they? But that's not the point."
His nervousness grew with her every word. She was driving him to the edge. Naraku could be somewhere near, and he can't risk anything nor anyone. Not even for Kikyo. "Then what is it? Your point?"
"As I said - I came here to make you choose..."
He broke out, she was repeating herself. "Chose what?!"
She glared at him, showing she didn't like to be yelled at, and that it was no time for it either. "If you would be so 'kind' to let me finish, you would know by now." Silence. She continued. "Good. Now . . . I want you to choose between . . . HER and ME."
If anything, he didn't expect that! Not in a million years. But deep, deep down he knew it had to come to this. Just not now . . . "Damn it, Kikyo! Why now? I don't have the time, nor the will to do it! Just go!" - he toss it into her face, that stayed the same, maybe changed a bit to impatience.
She grinned and raised her bow pointing her arrow in chosen direction. "Now, Inuyasha. Or you'll have nothing to chose from."
He followed the path of the yet unleashed arrow - it was pointed at Kagome! No, she wouldn't dare! Would she? He turned to Kikyo again and got his answer. Yes, she would. Death changed her as much as hatred did. If she could seal him, she would also kill Kagome, with question.
At this point of his realization he started to feel scared. And that's when Kagome turned to meet his stiff figure standing across Kikyo, staring at her. But what she didn't know . . . was that he wasn't scared OF Kikyo, NO, he was scared of what he had to do.
He thought it over and over, as quickly as he could, and he wasn't able to find any other way. He had to do it. "No, I won't chose between you. There is no way you can make me do that."
What did she do? She laughed. Kikyo laughed and stretched her bow, preparing it with her final words: "I can't? Watch me." But she had no idea how much final they were.
In a flash her body was cut in two dead pieces, her blood around her in droplets, and one sad hanyou standing, holding his sword for everyone to see, what he has done. But he wasn't aware of the fact what he has done, not until that bone freezing scream came to him. . .
¨¨/End of the Flashback/¨¨
A change kicked in her aura. Anger. It was rising, high up and flaring in a bright red around her. I honestly doubt she sensed it herself. But I did. Nonetheless, not even her anger is going to make me tell her, to confess the REAL reason.
I'm just a monster to her, now. A monster she get to know when she first met me, a monster that she changed, and a monster she is now pleading for a explanation. A monster. . .
Fear was once again kicking in me. A fear so strong . . . a fear of her hating me forever. And that is exactly going to happen. Oh, Kami why is everything I have to do so damn hard? And why do I ruin everything good in my life?
"Fine, Inuyasha. If that's how it's gonna be . . . fine then. I'm going home . . ."
Huh? Home? No... Please...
"But..."
She raised her head to look me straight in the eye. Strange, where did all of that rising anger go? I can't feel a bit of it now. "But - what?" I'm not going to answer her.
I felt miserable. He did it again. He just shut himself for me - again. I need to know why! Good God Inuyasha! I thought of asking him once more, but nothing except from silence came out.
Silence. Nothingness. Pain. Loneliness. Sorrow . . . and then . . .
Hate.
So strong... and so hard to keep in control. I sensed it a moment ago, transforming into anger and trying to take me over, but I fought and squashed it. But for how long? She really did hate him. And now . . . *I* hate him.
I felt something pin me in my right hand, only to remember what was I holding. Like a thorns from roses, their sharpness pricked into my gentle skin. A bit longer and it would bleed. I don't mind . . . if my heart can't - then my hand can. A replacement.
I have figured it out by now. Her memories and her cursed emotions came back to me . . . together with that long ago borrowed piece of my soul. Memories I did not need to remember... to see... to feel... and emotions too. They were unreversable. To my regret.
It stunned me to hear myself talking. "Yes home... that would be the best, ne Inuyasha? I don't need to be here... not now. It so hard to keep these emotion in check, you know?" - I have said too much. Let it go!, my mind was screaming at me, but I stubbornly refused to listen. I won't, I can't . . .
"Kagome..." - there he goes again. But... "What about the shards? We still need to end our search." - I swear I could strangle him. And my anger isn't helping me, for I could feel it bolting again inside, rushing to break out, to be leashed at him. HE deserved it. But not from her anymore, from me...
"Go to hell you and your precious shards! I don't care! They have brought me more misery and pain then anything else in my life. I hate them, I hate this life, I hate all of this . . . but mostly - I hate YOU!!!" - I yelled on top of my lungs. Who needs her anger, I have enough of my own... But I over-did it.
I have just broken something. Something valuable to me. Him. I could hear the sound, the ripping, the shattering, that awful breaking sound inside my head... And blood dripped.
Drop ...
drop ...
drop ...
drop . . .
drop by drop ... on the ground. A sob ... that lousy crushing wail of tears coming again. I had to mentally laugh, because I was supposed to be strong throughout this ordeal. This last one . .
Suddenly with a leap he was right in front of me, grabbing my hand and forcing it to open. He stared at the thing, obviously not believing what his eyes were telling his mind to register. Because in my hand was the only thing that truly connected us . . . and it was broken, stained with my blood, but unrepairably broken . . .
His rosary.
An evidence he was now free. From her, from me. From 'us'. Yes, I took it off when he was asleep, I knew that it had to be done. I needed to set him free, because I was the one that captured him it the first place.
I stared at it like a illusion. It wasn't real, she wouldn't do that. When did she...? I dawned on me. Yes, I was sound asleep as always with her near. That was the reason why I didn't sense her getting up, too. I mentally cursed myself, wishing I would wake up every minute now. But I knew all to well this wasn't a dream. However, I was worried...
"You're bleeding..." - she didn't raise her head, she kept it down and I assumed she was looking at it too. Until I heard a sob. Not so loud one, but it meant everything. She was crying, over me, again. "Why do you do this to yourself, Kagome?"
She still refused to raise her head. "It doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts anymore... Not for long." - now she looked away, behind her. What a fool! I didn't notice it earlier. We were standing at the edge of the well! She wasn't lying about going home...
"Don't.."
I finally saw her head turning back to meet my eyes. Her eyes where glossed, glistening with unshed tears, which she was so bravely fighting not to let go. Such sorrow... She was franticly searching my eyes, looking for I don't know what, but she find it ... and she didn't like it. "Let me go!" She slapped my hand away, backing a step from me. She looked like a frightened deer caught in a net. Alone.
"YOU won't give me a reason? I will . . . I meant it when I said that I know what I saw. See, her memories transfered to me, with my soul." - I swallowed, this wasn't good, but if I opened up maybe he would. Maybe . . . "All of her memories... and the last one. I saw some of it."
Now I was feeling a shiver going up and down my spine. She heard? She knows? "Then you know what Kikyo asked of me?" - Please, no.
"No."
. . . Yes.
"But I can feel her enormous anger towards you, and oblivious hate. All of that because of me. Why Inuyasha? Can you tell me?" - She pleaded again. I felt my self breaking the set up wall of silence, of that one promise.
But I waited. I blindly thought, still, I would wake up any moment now. So I waited. A second, two, five, a minute, two, five . . . more . . . Something hit me right in the middle of my chest. Looking down, to see it now on the ground, I saw it demolished - my rosary. And I felt her fury.
"Damn you! Why she had an arrow pointed at you? Why did you kill her? How could you...?
"Stop it!"
Again that dreadful silence. Between us. It seemed as if everything turned against us, wanting to separate us, even the silence.
"No I won't! That's it, I'm going home!" - she yelled once again. But then spoke in a softer tone, almost sounding like she was going to sing. "Unless . . . and please Inuyasha, do tell me, why did you have to kill Kikyo?"
I breathed in, hard and deep. A problem that wasn't going to go away. A blackmail... she should know better. I don't let my brother to blackmail me, less her. But she should be the first . . . or not?
"I can't..." - my response came out as a weak wispher. I hoped she didn't hear it. I was wrong.
I don't believe it. Nothing I would say or do could broke him from his trance of silence. Nothing. I should go. Why am I still here, only hurting myself? God help me if I know the right answer. I'm lying to myself. I do know...
I'll give it one last try. I have nothing more to loose. Not now. "Emotions..." That caught his attention, for he turned his head to me, watching me under his eyebrows, waiting impatiently for me to continue. "Her emotions also came with the package. That's were the anger came from. And hatred." He nodded. Smile. HE nodded. So he knew?
"And love."
At that word his gaze fogged, and he turned his eyes away from me. And I turned my back on him. If he can't stand me to have her love for him in me then be it. I took one step forward and neared the well. I might as well go now. I have lost.
This ordeal, this test, this fight . . .
"You can go if you want to. I'm not going to stop you this time, Kagome."
Another sob broke away at his words. How can he be so cold, so cruel? No, he wasn't. We were, both. Cruel to each other and to ourselves. A comedy...
"It would be so much easier if you..."
"I said it and I'm not going to repeat myself!" - he turned around to me stepping on something.
Again that breaking sound. The rosary. Now it was no more hope for turning back. All was lost, all was buried, all was broken. And it hurt. "Just tell me why and I will stay. I will stay and help you with your shards. Give me a reason Inuyasha!" - she turned around tossing her hands away from her, this time demanding an answer. An answer she already knew, she wouldn't get.
"I know what your going trough, Kagome. But I can't tell it to you. What is it to you if I tell it? It was something between me and Kikyo. And sooner or later it would come to that. It just came sooner that I thought."
She listened to his carefully chosen words. She knew, and she asked. And got nothing. Again she turned, now facing the well, staring at its depth. One jump. That was all she needed.
"The only thing I don't understand is ... how could you kill the woman you love?"
No. She said it out loud. It was meant to be just another question up in her head, but it came out. No. It wasn't meant to be said. Ever. No...
What? What kind of question is that Kagome? Why do you want to know? But I can answer you that one, if you want to. "I didn't love her. Not at that point, no more. I stopped loving her a long time ago. Odd, how didn't you notice it? When you, most of all, accused me of confusing her with you and vice versa? Really... No Kagome, our love died the day she pierced me with that sealing arrow. In a process of doing that, she pierced my heart too."
Maybe, I said too much. But it doesn't matter now. She was going anyway. And I think she deserved to know that much after all of this. It was such a stupid question, one I never expected from her. I really thought she knew.
So he opened up. But for the wrong answer to the wrong question. Wait... something was wrong . . . the world around me moved into a blur... A memory . . . It was ...! Oh my God! I gripped my head with my hands, in a attempt to block it away, but without success. So I mumbled: "You had to choose..."
I froze. Totally and completely froze. How? ... ? ... ? No thoughts. My mind was on a black-out. How did she know? A memory. Well, damn you Kikyo! Even from hell you can find a way to make me crumble.
She turned to me, in a very slow motion, with a blank look on her face and a hurt look in her eyes, crossing to sad, and mixed one. "She made you choose, but she didn't give you enough time..."
I didn't finish my last sentence. I remembered his confession from before. He had already chosen, and she knew it. Kikyo knew and that's way she tried to force him back to loving her. She loved him so much that blinded by anger she turned that love in this huge hate I can feel in my veins now. I can understand.
"So now you know... happy?" - he asked me bluntly.
I took one more step backwards. One more... "Maybe. But tell me - do you know how thin a line is between LOVE and HATE?" - he snapped his head at me. Only to avert it back to my steps. And to my eyes again. "A line between MY love and HER hate? What do you think which one is stronger to cross that line?"
My question hung up in the air, waiting to be answered. It did in the end, but on a somewhat different way.
"A reason... Why I killed her . . . So I could love you . . ."
Not breaking our gaze I smiled. Sun was rising. Funny. It took us whole night to figure each other out. No... it took us one night to finally grow up. So my smile grew bigger and I stepped once more backwards, before only saying: "Then you have an answer to my question as well..."
And I disappeared into the blue light taking me back, home. I have a strange feeling I will be seeing it only a second later again. But this time caused not by me.
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She jumped! She actually did!
I laughed, this time out loud. And remembered our conversation, and her last words. Yes, love always wins in the end, doesn't it? A laugh so genuine, so free and honest left my lips, welcoming the Sun. Then I jumped as well . . . because my future . . . awaits for me . . . in the future.
And the line? It is easy to cross, but you just need to know how . . .
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THE END
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AN: OK, that was hard to write. Maybe a bit too hard, and maybe I got lost and didn't write it well, but I usually write what I feel at the moment. So this fic came to me and I sat down and started tipping it. And if anyone doesn't like it - I don't blame him/her. Sometimes I don't like myself, or the way I write. I don't like the harsh reality of life, because when you are forced to choose it is more likely to make the wrong choice. That's why they say "Pay-back is a bitch".
I have chosen wrong, and this fic came out as a sort of pay-back. Too bad I didn't have a happy ending. I really hope you do get it - this is a happy ending. Maybe a one written awkwardly, but it is. The best it can get in this fic.
All my love I send to all of you who managed to read this to the end, I really appreciate it. If you are willing you can leave me a review, but I won't kill you if you don't. And I won't cry either . . . so don't worry.
I must also apologise for any misspelled words or any other grammatical errors.
Thank you for reading AND See you next time I feel a huge emotion, positive or negative, crushing my head and my heart. . .
Goodbye,
Chiisana Anisa
