AN: Hello everyone. Yes, I am back… well as back as I possibly can be. I will be going over this story with some changes and corrections. I do not have a beta so bare with me. For those who are just coming upon this, I really hope you enjoy.

*And for those who have already read this I truly urge you to read it again because I did add some pretty heavy stuff and kind of changed the story a little.

Currently I am working on the new chapter and it should be up this weekend.

WARNING PLEASE READ: People I am warning you before hand of the things said in this chapter. I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. Living in the south I have sometimes had the unfortunate chance to have some of these things said to me and others. I do use harsh racial slurs and bashing in this story, especially in this chapter. Racial slurs and bashing is a nasty and vile language and just because I am African-American and have a brother who is gay does not mean I feel an entitlement that I can use the words lightly or freely. I take them very seriously and I hope if you're whatever race you do as well. I used these words intently for the story because they are reality and it gives the story a harsh understanding and it is going to help bring together the theme. If it helps, think of it as if you are reading the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, To Kill a Mocking Bird, or even The Color Purple. My writing isn't even on the level of those great books and it will never be, but they do use harsh racial language and are able to get away with it because of the purpose, yet add a sense of reality to the book when it comes to understanding our world when it comes to racism. Forgive me if I offend whoever, but please take heed to my warning.

~Jacob POV~


Damn! Does that blazing star ever go down? Oh thank god, the ocean! Goddamn never mind, another heat wave. Texas, I swear it literally is a burning inferno on earth.

Why did I choose to come here again? Because smart one, your family on the rez, basically abandoned you like a plague and your grandmother was the only one to take you in so you can finish your degree in engineering.

My family, God have I missed them or what's left of them that is. Now, I had no one left as the ones that were alive wanted nothing to do with me. My family had always been a little dysfunctional. Ma and dad were always fighting. Ma was never satisfied with her life, she said she grew up to soon and we, her children and drunken husband, were holding her back from the life she so longed for. She was a very flighty woman. I always had to hear about her escapades either from the towns' folk that I would overhear or from the kids in school.

In a small town, word got around easily and fast.

My father, he was always a sullen, reserved, calculated, and withdrawn person. A deadly combination if you ask me. All of those feelings would bubble up to the surface and he would snap. Though at times my mom would be on the receiving end of the blows, I was always the one who faired the most of them.

I was always a lonely person, wither it be by myself or in my pain and depression. I had no friends at all because most only found me interesting when it came to bullying me. The one and only person who truly was my friend and showed me love was my younger brother Seth. God I miss him.

The day my mother left was a day I would never forget. I was fifteen and Seth was just turning eleven and we were celebrating his birthday. Well, he and I more like it. My father was on the couch, recovering from just giving me a busted lip because I had baked Seth a cake. "Are you a faggot or something?" he asked me and before I could give him an answer his fist connected with my lip.

Pulling the cake out of the oven, my mother come stumbling in; make up smeared, and her dress looking even shorter then when she left the house yesterday evening.

"Mama it's my birthday!" Seth boomed from the kitchen counter he was sitting on, with the biggest smile on his face. He always loved to see her come home no matter what state or appearance she was in.

"Yeah, whatever." She said as she flopped down on the couch, taking her huge heels off. I saw sheer sadness wash over Seth's face as he bowed his head.

" Seth buddy its ok she just isn't feeling good that's all." I knew he didn't believe me.

" Mama would you like some cake? It's kind of flat but it's good."

Glaring at me, "I don't want that shit."

" Well would you like for me to make you something to eat. I'll make you anything you want."

" No dammit!"

" Umm.. oo... ok if you need me to do anything just call me." I always tried to strive for something because of her, but I was never sure what it was exactly.

"Do you want me to run you a hot bath and get you some pain killers, you don't look well mama?" again I am striving for the unknown.

"Fucking no, I told you! Are you fucking retarded or something? What part on NO don't you understand?" I saw flames blazing out of her skin; so much hatred.

I need to fix this and quick. " I'm s.. ss..sorry ma I just was trying to help that's all."

Her words are cold as she speaks. Cold so very cold, unfeeling, words with no spark, cold eyes, words dry as sand, cold heart, vacant expressions, nothing is there anymore, heart of stone; she's a cold marble, she's a cold desert. "Well isn't that fucking dandy, aren't you a sweet little piss head. I don't fucking need any help. As a matter of fucking fact I don't need any of you. I'm leaving."

I sense nothing false in her words.

"For good." she state lastly turning her head towards my father who is too preoccupied with showing unconditional love to his bottle of JD. It's almost like he is purring at the bottle of contentment after swigging its amber liquid. Yes, he is purring.

"Ma please don't leave. I won't bug you again, I promise."

Seth and I need her here, if she left then our small family would slowly parish. My family on my fathers' side was no better than we were, in my opinion far worse. In the end, we had no real family. She couldn't leave.

I must have been consumed in my begging because next thing I knew she was gone and I could state with all certainty that she would never return.

The days, weeks, months, years that followed I took care of Seth, myself and my father. School got even worse with the taunting and bullying from the other students. Everything about me was awkward and shy, and extremely insecure. I tried to make friends and please people but it always backfired. I often had to bring my brother over to other family member's homes to get away from my dad or feed Seth, but they were never very welcoming. They actually started to tally up how much I owed them. I did the best I could to give Seth the necessities but my attempts weren't fruitful.

Even having two jobs didn't always make ends meet plus I was working my butt off at school so I could get ahead. I was always a pretty smart student with all of my classes being advanced placed. During my high school years I started working out to seem less weak and for the bullying to stop.

Seth began to slip into a deep depression and started to pull away from me and stayed out a lot more. Though a part of me knew that was so he could stay away from our father, whose drinking got worse along with his beatings. Seth this time was the fairer of those blows.

I finally completed my two years at a local community college and got a scholarship to any college of my choosing. I still had bills to pay though.

One day our grandmother, who adopted my mother came into contact with us. My mom was adopted as a teen and lived in Texas where her adoptive mother still lived. When my mother was eighteen she ran away to Washington where she met my father and found 'people like her' as she put it, since her adoptive mother was white and she was Indian.

I told our grandmother about everything that had happened in our life and the bouts of abuse my father still inflicted on us, even though I was 19 years old and had a little muscle but not overly so. I still didn't want to fight my father though.

Seth had taken a completely different route, I had tried to be there for him the best I could but it was never enough. There was no replacement for the real love of a real parent.

It was 2:00 a.m on a school night and Seth still hadn't come in. I never went to sleep as long as he wasn't home, so like any other night I waited for him. A knock on the door brought me out of my studying. Seth must have gotten drunk again and lost his house key. I open the door to see the sheriff with his hat in his hands, head hung. All I can remember from that night was screaming and identifying Seth's body. He had been driving drunk along with some other rez boys and lost control of the car, wrapping it around a tree. He had been thrown from the car. I cried, I cried for hours, weeks, months, and years while my father never seem to notice that he was one son less. The bottle was his true love.

Me, I dealt with my brothers' death by not acknowledging it at all. It was how I coped. I don't know if when I found out about Seth's death I had a nervous breakdown but I never wanted to experience something like that again. That is why I don't knowledge his death, which is how I handle it to keep myself together.

I still miss him with all my heart and I will always remember him, but everything else I cannot handle that.

I was 20 when I first met Paul. I was young, very lonely, vulnerable, unloved, and oh so very naive. He was 30 and I think he fed off of my insecurities. To summarize our relationship Paul was controlling, we never had sex because he wasn't comfortable with that part yet since he just discovered this side of him. He did make me give him hand jobs and blowjobs, though he said I was never good at them so he just resorted to screwing my mouth, and he never returned the gestures. We never even had a real kiss other than a peck on the cheek. So I was in a relationship that I gave and received nothing not even a hand job or blowjob or a kiss.

Did I mention he was a drunk too? Soon enough I realized I was dating a person like my father. I was dating my own father.

The day I told my father I was seeing a man is the day he beat the hell out of me and kicked me out of the house, leaving me with a broken rib and a wonderful face that Mike Tyson would be proud of. With no home, the only place I had to go was to the person I loved second to Seth, Paul. I walked up to Paul's house, knocked but no one answered. The front door was opened so I walked in to find Paul between the legs of some blonde with, what looked like to be the fakest boobs I have ever seen. I turned my back.

I was no good for anyone. I was awkward, shy, reserved, lonely, unattractive, now homeless, skinny despite my working out and a 22 and a-half year old virgin.

Now I am here living with my mothers' adoptive mother. She agreed to take me in after I called her and told her absolutely everything. Bless her heart; she almost had a heart attack when she first saw my face. Her reaction to me telling her I was gay was a loving smile and a very tight hug. I thought it better to get it out in the open rather than her find out my lie or me having to live a lie. She also told me to be careful when it came to my sexuality, especially if I was going to live here in Texas. I told her I would but I wouldn't be hiding who I am. I really wouldn't have to worry about it anyway because I knew I wouldn't be making any friends or people wouldn't be getting to know me. So either way I faired out pretty well.

"Jake, suga, why don't cha come in n' get out that hot sun, relax, n' do some of ya studies. You've been working out here n' the barns since you got home from school this afternoon." Charlotte calls to me from outside the hay room.

Grad mama's ranch is nothing short of beautiful. My favorite part is the natural lake that is surrounded by layers of green oak trees and the beautiful hills engraved with nothing but rich greens and the Texas wild flowers blossoming with reds, yellows, blues, and purples. I love walking the trails along the ranch looking at the wild life, especially the wild horses she allows on the property. They just add to the majestic beauty of it all. The air smells heavily of bluebonnets that grew wild along the hills, and of horses and hay in the stables. Songs of mocking birds mimicked throughout the crystal blue sky and the hot sun avoided the cover of the clouds.

Dare I say this was home, a home, my home?

"Yes ma'am." I answer her back.

"Grandma you know you shouldn't be walking with your hip the way it is, especially in this long distance. And I'm guessing you didn't bring the cart because I didn't hear it pull up. Come on mama I'll carry you."

She laughs. "Sweet heart I'ma ole' lady, not a damn cripple."

"You know, you're one heck of a hell cat and I am well aware that you are not a cripple. You're a very independent woman. Now please let me carry you. The distance …." I trail off looking pleadingly at her. Puppy dogs always make her weak.

"Fine, damn you. Child you'er do'n a hell of a job on my pride." Chuckling, I lift her up in my arms and kiss her forehead.

"I love you to mama".

" Ya to suga. You know son you are cramp'n my style, you carrying me is keeping me from getting some fine young man."

The things that this woman says.

We make our way to the beautifully preserved white old farm house that is almost like a three story Victorian house. It has the old Texas theme to it with more modern renovations, but not enough so it can lose its deep history. Warm woods of cheery, and cedar furnishes the house within, live plants with long vines intertwine with the rest of the materials in the house, colors of reds of dark velvet, browns of all colors, badges, deep greens, sandy brown yellows cascade throughout the house. Huge windows brings light to the house with long deep ledges that you can sit comfortable on or even make a bed and sleep on.

Along with antique rocking chairs, framed old maps, well preserved rags lying along the entire floor, selves of first edition books go for miles along the walls of the house, ancient clocks grace the walls, and elegant chandeliers hang from the ceiling, and old framed paintings invite you to analyze them. Deep comfortable couches lay about with throw blankets making the couches look even more inviting. Old style Japanese water fountains are placed carefully in the home, tranquil water running down the medium sized rocks in a relaxing way.

The best part of the house, besides the HD widescreen TV that is installed into the wall, is the fish tank grandmama had designed for me after I won my contest for completely remodeling an old 38 Ford Pickup which my college sponsored and the money I won from there was going towards my college expenses. Grandmama let me build a nice sized shack/garage where I could fix up my cars and store all my materials by the lake I love so much.

Mama came from old money and often tries to make me quit the job I have at the local mechanics, but I can't take her money and plus I need the experience. I take pride in not taking from my well to do grandmother and making my own way. I have supported myself for this long so why stop now?

But the tropical fish tank blends with everything else in the living area and is next to the window ledge I often occupy when dawn breaks, when I wait to watch the wolves descend from the woods.

Everything about the house screams comfort, even though there may be priceless things in the home it doesn't make you afraid of moving about or even running. It's not a house at all it's a home full of memories that you can see throughout this home.

Finally nearing the house I see Jaspers' truck, a trickle of fear course throughout my body. Mama must have felt my emotions.

"Child don't ya go wor'n bout that boy. Now set me down please."

"Yes ma'am." I say putting her down gently. It's not like she is fragile or anything, she's one tough lady but I still worry about her hip.

Jasper, that ungodly beautiful handsome man with a gentle curly halo of blonde hair that is blessed by the sun and sky blue eyes that can darken with approaching storms and dimples as deep as oceans, doesn't exactly like me. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure he hates me, ever since he caught me staring at him he figured out that I was gay and when he called me out on it, I didn't answer back. I was afraid he was going to hit me and that would upset mama.

From that day forward he either avoided me like a plague or made hurtful comments, especially when we were working out in the ranch with the other men or at college with his so-called friends. For as smart as he seems he can say some dumb things, like once he said. "Who knew a fag can look and act manly except for his occasional bitch'n to mama. That just goes ta show ya de'm cocksuckers can put on a good show, we real men gotta start watch'n our back."

What kind of comment is that? Yeah, I'll be honest I am glad I don't come off gay. It makes things so much easier, but that is one of the most ignorant comments I have ever heard.

I hear mama groan as we make our way up the steps.

"Mama why don't you retire for a nap and I'll make us some dinner in a bit."

"Thanks doll. I do reckon I need to lay my head down for a bit."

" Evening grandma." Jasper says as we make our way into the inside pouch to pull of our boots and into the living room where he is.

" Hiya Jay, how ya doing suga?"

"Good just came for a visit since I was round the way. S' ok I stay the night, get'n late n' all?

"I don't even know why you ask. You practically stay here. Why don't you just move in? Lord knows this house is big enough and it's closer to your campus anyhow."

"Nah you know how I am mama."

"Yeah I know you very well." she gave him a pointed look.

"Well if y'all excuse me, I'ma be tak'n that nap. I need my beauty rest so I can stay this sexy." Jasper and I just laugh at her.

He hasn't acknowledged me yet. He never does. I don't know why I have this immense feeling of wanting his attention, for him to look at me or just even glance or to feel comfortable around me.

"Um... … hi Jasper." I greet him trying to be polite. Only for him to roll his eyes, scoffs, and mutters under his breath. "Queer ass."

Slightly hurt hanging my head I go to clean up and start dinner. After that is done I head to the kitchen passing Jasper in the den working on homework.

Good almighty Lord is he fine as hell. His tight hugging black tee show casing his much defined muscles, his feet on the table showing off his long legs, a work of perfected art, I think to myself as a go to make dinner.

I finish dinner leaving mamas' in the microwave and bringing Jasper's and mine plates into the den.

Stretching out his plate to him, "Um I thought you might want dinner so I uhh made you a plate. I .. III.. d..ddd..in't think you would want to get up."

He looks at me. "You made this?"

"Yea... yes."

He pushes the plate away from him.

"In that case I don't want to eat any shit you have made. It might be diseased."

I didn't even know how to react. Dammit I feel the tears.

"Umm... o...oo..ok I can order you a pizza or something if you like."

"No, I don't want shit from a fucker how touches other dudes asses." he sneers.

Ugh the tears are falling. I nod, set his plate on the table and sit down on the other couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jasper starts on me again.

" I … uh... I'm sitting down?"

"I don't want your fucking ugly gay ass in the same room as me. Go some fucking elsewhere."

I turned to leave but Jaspers voice continued.

"You are a fuckn' sin, you know that. That is why people like you have things happen to them and y'all deserve every fucking ounce of it. I think Hitler had a brilliant idea in throwing the Jews and the fags away for good. Ya'll are what is fucking wrong with this world, your kind of people and those fucking nasty black ass negers',"

"I know one damn thing. God was doing something right in blessing Hitler and later my southern forefathers in enslavin' you fucking savages,"

"I want you to know," he said looking me start in the eyes "I hate everything about you coloreds and big nosed saggaboos." He harshly sneered, I could see his eyes narrowing even more and becoming darker in color.

"Ya'll very present on this earth just brings use to hell right along with you ignorant fools. Those fuckin' colored bluegum bastards and chugs infesting our government and appointing that black ape into the white house."

"Now you damn red nosed cunts think we owe you something because ya'll were ta ignorant ta hold onto what you had? I wish my ancestors would have just killed all ya'll off. I swear I hate everything about your people and most importantly you."

"If my Grandmamma didn't love your faggot ass so much, I would've hung you on a fucking noose myself a long time ago just like my grandfather would've. Get the fuck out of my sight." He spit a ball of saliva my way.

I can't help the tears that are falling. I was absolutely speechless. Jasper has always said remarks to me but none so vile. I was so blind to not see the hate and disgust he had in his heart. I saw someone so lost and dark I don't think anyone would be able to bring him back from it. Jasper saying those things was what he really felt; I could literally see it and feel it rumbling off of him.

Hearing such ugliest made me wonder where it all came from. He wasn't born that way, born automatically hating people. Grandmamma wasn't like that at all. From what little she told me of her now dead husband he was a person who despised others different from him and that he was a member of the KKK. That is the only information she ever gives about him and that he help ruin the son they had together live.

I knew she was an ole' timer and came from didn't times, she even confessed to me that she subjected and fell into such ignorance when she was younger, but told me the hate she had towards other turned to hate she had for herself, and one day she told herself she wasn't going to her grave with such a dark heart and ignorant mind.

To one day stand before God and to be asked why she harmed his children; her own brothers and sisters. I mean, clearly Grandma was not like that then she wouldn't have adopted a Native American daughter.

I just...I just…didn't understand him.

"I'm sorry. I'll go." I whisper out.

I didn't feel like eating. Throwing my food away I made my way upstairs to my room. I fall asleep with my door open just in case mama calls for me.

My dreams are filled with Seth and I, when we would sneak out at night and swim in the tides of First Beach and after we tire of swimming we lay out across the black sandy beach listening to the howling wolves. It was almost like they were calling us home. Theses nights are where I developed my fascination for wolves and the Quileute Legends.

Quickly though, like always my dreams shift into nightmares. I dream that I am watching Seth's death from the side lines. I see the demons coming for him, but they aren't just any demons, they are vicious werewolves, waiting to take Seth body away. I scream for Seth to pay attention to the road. But my screams are over shadowed by the howling laughs of the demon wolves, they sound like hyenas when they bark their laughter. They drag his body away with me running after them in their wake. Then I hear bone crushing screams and something ripping apart.

I bolt upright from my dream. Focusing my eyes, I could have sworn I saw a bleary vision of something sandy blonde move from in the door way. Damn, I must be seeing things. I hope I wasn't screaming in my sleep again. The first night I stayed here and had one of my many nightmares, mama came busting into the bedroom with a shot gun in her hands because she thought someone was killing me from the horrid screams I was making. I mean Jesus her room is all the way downstairs for crying out loud. Am I really that loud?

After the first few weeks of hearing my screams and her coming in the check on me I told her not to bother, it was no use. She reluctantly agreed. The rest of the night I didn't go back to bed until 1:00 so I did homework and thought about Jaspers words. I've never been one to be ashamed about my race, but the weight of Jasper's words was starting to heavily drown me.

Maybe he was right, maybe who I am and what I am was a sin. Maybe I am nothing but trash.


Hope y'all enjoyed it. Would love feed back in reviews !

- Jaspered01