-Angst. This is an angst FANFICTION. Its NOT happy AT ALL. Leave the webpage is you don't like sorrow. I originally wrote to endings to the story, but need to decided which one to use. I'll end up uploading both but I need to decide on the official ending. Also I gave this chapter out to two of my friends before I complete it. I need to warn you that they both cried at it. One of them crying at the first line. I don't know if it was there hormones *ahem* or if its that sad but, honestly I did shed a tear writing it. . And maybe get some tissues if you are very soft. And make sure you review, because this is a new fanfictions so I need feedback my friends! This is rude but if I don't get reviewed I wont carry on writing.'
ENJOY.
'And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of loveIf it does not exist'
BPO.
I had been crying. Again. Pain seared up my arm as I dropped the razor onto the floor. Time slowed down as it hit the laminate. I stared at my bruised arms. Fresh blood covered them . The pain killed but the fulfilment was an adrenaline rush. But when I saw the blood pouring out of my skin I felt happy. Happier then I'd ever felt in a long time.
I knew what Renee would say if she were here. Sometimes I could see her standing there, screaming at me telling me to stop. But I would just cackle and laugh away like a mad women. And then she'd disappear and I'd realise that she wasn't there in the first place and that she was never coming back. So I'd cut even deeper and harder the next time around just for that rush and hallucination again and hope that maybe next time she'd stay for longer.
The hallucination this time had been extremely clear. Renee wasn't shouting but looking at me in disgust.
When I first noticed her, she was smiling down at me. So I cut deeper wanting her to say something. But she didn't. Her face crumpled and then she was glaring down at me. That was the point that I dropped the razor.
The 10 minutes I'd get with my mother every time I cut were sacred. I knew it wasn't real and I knew it wasn't her, and I knew it was properly fear and desperation that made her appear but I couldn't stop.
Charlie knew when I was cutting. I'd always lock the door, and turn the shower on so he couldn't hear my gasps of pain. Charlie had stopped checking on me now too. He knew I didn't want to stop, and I couldn't. I knew cutting wouldn't make my issues get better but there was no way they ever would get better. Cutting made me somehow feel weirdly wanted, so that was the way forward.
As the blood dried I could make out the faint scares on my arm from past blades. The fresh ones were a pinky colour; the old ones going a purple colour from all the strain.
Wearing t-shirts were a nightmare. Everyone knew Bella Swan the girl who cuts, but I couldn't walk around with blood stained, scary arms could I? It was inhuman, some people would call it. No one ever told me to take off the jumper I constantly wore so It never left my body. Only on the occasion of once a month. 'My monthly cut' I would think of it as. But If I was having a real rough month I would usually cut twice, which was good; more Renee time then. I looked up into the mirror above the sink.
I couldn't tell if I looked worse then normal. I hadn't looked 'pretty' for two years since my mother had gone. I had chalky skin. It used to be just pale, healthy looking but then I, changed. My ears where dark, under my them the colour was dark purple from the bags that hung due to loss of sleep. I didn't sleep well. I was too tired to sleep. Most nights I would wake up from images of blood, blackness and heat. I would get covered in sweat. I could never make out what the dreams were. That was why I was so afraid of them. My hair was brown. It was dirty and greasy. I like it that way. It was a symbol showing people that I didn't care. Because truefully I didn't care. I never would care. Nothing could bring Renee back so nothing mattered.
The dreams would only usually occur every few weeks. Sometimes every few months, which was good too. I didn't scream in my sleep, I would occasionally talk but it didn't bother Charlie. I didn't want to hurt Charlie anymore then her already was. He couldn't stand the fact that Renee was gone just as much as I did. I hadn't realise how much we were alike. I suppose when your mother commits suicide it puts your whole world into a new perspective doesn't it? A part of me did blame Charlie for her death though. He couldn't of stop her, as it was her own decision. But Charlie could of prevented it. He didn't have to go astray. He didn't have to cheat. Renee was perfect for him. I believe Charlie was in love with Renee. I didn't have to look far for that. There were the home movies. They were locked away in the cupboard under the stairs the day of Renee's funeral. Everything he could ever dreamed of, but he took her for granted. I believe Charlie was in love with Renee. I didn't have to look far for that. There were the home movies. They were locked away in the cupboard under the stairs the day of Renee's funeral. Charlie shouted and screamed at me telling me I didn't have to lock them away. He said locking them away were worst then burning them. But I still did it, I couldn't stand seeing Renee happy with Charlie after she died. I still loved Charlie though deep down inside., he was the only person I did love. A small fragment in my heart I kept open for him. But it was wounded and torn. There was no one else in the world to love now. I couldn't remember if I ever had loved anyone other then Charlie And Renee before she died. I couldn't actually remember anything really before that night.
I was the one who found Renee. In the bathtub. She looked peaceful. Even with the bread knife in her neck. Even with all the blood rushing down her throat. She stilled looked beautiful like that. My own screams haunt me from that day. Sometimes I hear them faintly in the dreams too. That makes them all too worse.
I was still looking into the mirror. Tears where streaming down my face, and I was banging my fists against the porcelain sink which I hadn't noticed I was doing before. The pain didn't hurt. The constant throbbing of my heart was the worst pain. My chest throbbed because there was so much missing. Renee didn't have a place in my heart, she was gone. Charlie lost the piece because I knew he was the reason Renee was gone. The tears in my eyes blocked out my vision and I stumbled onto the floor dragging my hands underneath me. Blood was everywhere. My hands must have started bleeding after the banging on the sink. I was lucky Charlie wasn't home, and he had taken a night shift. I knew he worried, but I was secretly happy when left me alone. The old man had a thing about taking bad chances.
I was still lying on the floor, the blood from my hands and wrists slowly but steadily dripping from the open wounds. Watching the blood escape from me calmed me. It assured me that this was real and my life was as bad as I though it was. I smiled and laughed at how stupid it was. If I did admit I cut myself like anyone would believe why I did it. 'To see a vision of your dead mother?! As if!' they would say.
Its not like I had anyone to tell anyway. I did once had friends. Good friends too. I would get invited to sleepovers, and parties and would go shopping with my girlfriends at the weekends but that changed after Renee died. My friends would make an effort to cheer me up. They gave me space at first, but they would encourage me to be happy by making 'cheerful' play lists and importing them onto my ipod. They even put all they're money together and got us tickets to see One Republic at this stadium place, but I lied and said Charlie needed me at home. I tried talking to my friends and saying I'm sorry but they rejected me after a while. They said they couldn't handle someone with so many problems, right in the middle of the lunch room. In front of everyone. I shouted and screamed at them, telling them that it wasn't my fault I was like this, but they just hit me even harder telling me it was my fault saying about how I needed to help myself before I can accept help from others. And then I just broke down on the floor crying. It was then that the principle came and took me into his office. He didn't help at all. I went into fits of rage smashing his office up, and he just sat there looking at me like I was mental. That was the first night I cut myself. Charlie wasn't home that night, and he had left his razor blade out on the sink. It was all to tempting. Like he placed them there to make me do it. So I picked up the razor, and at first I didn't know what to do. So I dashed it across my wrists a few times and then the blood poured out and I felt accomplished. For a few days after that I felt a little happier, I didn't smile or laugh but I was happy. And then about 3 weeks later, the high had gone. It decreased too rapidly. I wasn't 'happy'. I was depressed. I was despondent. I didn't want to live. So the next night when Charlie went away to work I cut myself some more. The third month Charlie spotted blood on the floor. I told him it was 'girl troubles' but he didn't believe me. He knew what I was doing. So I don't hide it from him now. I might as well put a note on the refrigerator saying 'tonight I'm going to self half myself, don't enter the bathroom'. I could see in his eyes how much I was hurting him. But what goes around comes around, like mother like daughter. A small fragment of me wanted to hurt myself like he had hurt Renee. I wanted him to feel just portion of pain Renee had felt when that knife entered her neck. And I wanted it badly. It was almost sick you might say. But it made sense in my head. Even Charlie knew I wasn't right in my head. Everyday once a week; usually a Friday; Charlie would offer me money to see a psychiatrist. The conversation wouldn't last long. I would shriek a little bit and then slam the door. I never made it to school on a Friday. I would go to the beach on the other side of forks. Not many people knew about it so I was always alone when I went there. The only sounds I could here was the rustling of trees, the waves and the sea gulls that flow around. Sometimes I thought there was, someone else there. Like a presence. But whenever I was there I always thought about Renee so, I knew it was my senses playing up. Sitting on the beach, slowed everything down for me. I could think about everything with no distractions. If anything, it was like my own source of therapy, which was free. I could vent and Charlie didn't have to pay out money for it. But today wasn't Friday, today was cutting day. Today was the day Renee appeared. But now she was gone.
I hadn't realise at the point that my wrists had stopped bleeding. I was still laying on the floor, my blouse covered in drying blood. Gradually, but very slowly, I pulled myself off of the floor and bashed my way over to the sink. Hurriedly I turned the tap on and began splashing myself with water. I splashed the water everywhere soaking my hair, my chest, my arms, even water escaping the sink and onto my legs. At some point the water begin covering the floor and I slipped over banging my head rough against the floor. I couldn't feel any blood pouring but I felt very dizzy. My head was beating.
I decided staying in the bathroom wasn't doing me any favours. I looked around the bathroom tiredly. The walls of the bathroom were painted grey. The lights were turned off so the shadows on the walls dance creepily, swirling down like in some bad horror movie. I Stand on the toilet seat for a while with my head in my hands, still crying soundless sobs. I sat there for a whole ten minutes before I sat up and began I wiping the blood off from my body and the floor. I turned the shower on and stayed in there for a whole hour just watching the water rush off my pale skin. I never had baths anymore, Just showers. I scrubbed the dried blood of my arms and chest. Just scrubbing. Scrubbing even still, when they're was none visible. I wanted to remove every trace of it away from my body. I wanted to start afresh for the new month and then when the 30th of next month I would cut again. A Simple routine. The routine was Some kind of proof it isn't a dream and all this is happening. When I was satisfied that all blood was away from my skin I wrapped a towel around me opened the bathroom door. I stepped out in the hallway and looked around. It was very dark in the house. The clock of the wall in front of me said 19:24 PM. I'd spent three hours in the bathroom. I made my way to my room and dried myself slowly, spending extra time and delicacy drying my arms. My wrists stinged especially from the razor. I walked around my room, picking up random things from the floor and tidying them away. I turned on my laptop and quickly checked my favourite websites. I even logged in MSN. There wasn't much point to it though. No one ever spoke to me.
I pulled up Itunes and checked my favourite bands page. They had a new EP out so I clicked the 'buy album' button. There were five songs in the EP so I took my ipod from my bed stand and my favourite book and snuggled into my bed. I must've fell asleep because when I woke up my ipod wasn't playing anymore. I looked around my room and realised my computer was still turned on. Better turn that off I thought. I sat down at my desk and started closing the windows.
Suddenly a new window popped up.
has requested a chat with
This was weird. No one EVER EVER requested conversations with me. To be honest I didn't even MSN, because I never ever spoke to anyone. And I had no idea who this person was. I debated for a second.
The pro's of the conversation would be.
1. I would find out who this person was.
2. Someone, just someone to maybe talk to.
And 3.? Well there wasn't a three.
Cons of the conversation?
1. It could be a typo…and that would be embarrassing.
could be a douche from school winding me up.
3. It could be a pervert.
But deciding to risk my chances I pressed the 'accept' button.
A/N
Okay so that's the first chapter. it's a little short but for a reason.
I was going to add Edward POV,BUT I had a deadline and the first chapter is a little….disturbing.. And Edward's story isn't much better then Bella's so I don't wanna put to much depression on you.
It would mean a lot of people reviewed and stuff, because I want to know peoples views on the story. Not much has happened YET, but the pace WILL pick up I promise.
MAKE SURE YOU REVIEW, as this is a new story.
