This is a small angsty piece I wrote a few months ago. Finally typed it up.


Frozen

Post: Season Two's Surprise

Summary: Buffy reflects on what her forbidden relationship with Angel has led her to and how she's frozen inside.


I walk through the cemetery, alone. It the third one I've hit tonight…. I don't care. It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters… Not really. Not truly.

A vampire comes at me out of nowhere, throwing me into a tombstone.

I blink up at it. Once…twice…thrice… Blankly. Not really understanding. Not really caring.

It stares at me for a moment, expecting more. After all, I am the slayer. Everybody expects more from the slayer…

I don't move, don't even try to get away as it rains blow upon blow onto my small body.

I can't get away. I want to…but I can't.

((What? Did you think we'd be together and then everything would be okay? Angel…))

It's next punch hits me square in the stomach, causing me to go flying through the air. I struggle…

I struggle to breathe. I struggle to hold back the tears. I struggle to keep from breaking down and showing everybody just how weak I am.

I remember last night. I remember this morning.

((Look, Buff. You were a pro. Really. But it's time to move on. You're playing with the big boys now, Buff. Angel…Angelus…))

I remember…things…. Things that I'd just rather not remember, things that I cannot forget…no matter how hard I try.

The vampire, obviously happy at being able to pummel a slayer, keeps on going, not caring at all that I'm not moving.

Not moving. God, it's actually really hilarious. I'm frozen…frozen solid inside

And no one seems to understand.

No one seems to care. Not Willow, not Xander, not Giles, not Cordelia… No one…

They look at me…and I can see the disgust. I want to erase it, to make everything better.

But no, life's not like that.

As the vampire knocks the wind and the blood out of me, I know better.

((Poor poor little Buffy, thought you finally had a man's love. Learned your lesson, didn't you? Angel…Angelus…Whoever…))

Thing's will never be the same again…my Angel's gone.

And I'm numb with shock. Frozen, frozen all the way inside.

And that will never change. Never.

I slowly stand up, my body a mass of bruises.

I remember…everything. I remember things that I cannot forget…

Their faces. The disgust, the shock, the disbelief…

I remember.

Xander…his face. The utter disgust that I'd slept with a monster he couldn't even embrace as a man.

Willow, my best friend. The shock that I'd done something so careless, so selfish…

Giles…the disappointment, the disbelief that I could do such a thing so thoughtless…

Giles told me…yesterday…today…everyday…

The slayer must be strong…

The slayer must be willing…willing to die…willing to give up her life…for the mission…

Willing to give up the man she loves for the better good…

I gasp back the sobs as they threaten to explode from me…control my tears…

Then I stake it. Before the vampire has time to blink, he's gone from this world. Just like me. He's dust, frozen in time…

And so are my insides…

I turn to go, and chant my given mantra.

The slayer…must be strong… I am the slayer… I must be strong. For them… For all the other ones who can't be.

I chant it over and over in my head as I walk on…numb…frozen solid inside…

Nothing matters. Not really. Not truly.

Nothing…ever…will again…

Because my Angel's gone…

I walk on… Alone…once more…Alone…

And frozen inside….


I hoped you liked this rather metaphorical piece. Whether you hated it or loved it, drop me a line by pressing the little blue button that says 'review'. It gives me the desire to write more. You know you adore me, SS4EVA