I cannot (even if I'd love to) claim ownership of any of the characters. Hats off to J.K. Rowling for creating the best ship in the world!


Sometimes, when she thinks no one's looking, she cries. The tears fall from her eyes, slowly at first, but soon they become a heavy cascade that she can never wipe away fast enough. And it kills me.

I never know what to do when Lily cries, because false comforts never satisfied her though all she wants is to get away from the bitter truth. Usually I just kiss away her tears and tell her stories from our glory days at Hogwarts, but lately, that hasn't been enough. Lately, we've been arguing quite a bit too. Not like the rows we used to have in the Hogwarts hallways, full of fire and passion, but sharp arguments filled with tears and quiet words; which is so much worse.

She worries about me, I know she does. I see it in the shadow of her eyes every time I leave on a mission and in their puffiness when I get home, and that tells me she's been crying. Though this is the first time I've ever caught her doing it.

"Lily," I whisper through the crack in the door, unable to stand the sound of her suppressed sobs anymore. "Lily, can I come in?"

"No," the muffled answer is cracked and broken, and it's all I can do not to barge in there and hold her tight in my arms. "I'm a mess."

"I don't care," I tell her fiercely, "You're still beautiful." Just please let me hold you.

"I look horrendous, and weren't you supposed to be out fighting Death Eaters like you do every other night?" her voice is bitter and my heart clenches painfully. I don't mean to always leave you. I don't mean to hurt you every night, make you stay up 'til dawn waiting with an anxious heart to see whether I make it home or not. All I want is to keep you safe. All I want is you to be happy like I promised you'd be. But I'm a bloody liar and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not giving you the perfect life you deserve, for not being with you every night, when you need me most. Merlin, I just want to know you still love me after all I've failed to do.

"I love you, Lily," I'm desperate, I need to see her, need to make sure she'll be alright. Bloody hell, that's all I ever need; just knowing that she's alright. "Please let me in." There's a pause that stretches out for what feels like forever and in those moments, it felt like the air is being pressed around me and I can barely breathe. All the worries of the world crushed me in a tight embrace, making me bitter with self-loathing, knowing that I'm not the man everyone thinks of me as.

"Fine," the answer is soft, like a breath, almost undetectable, but I hear it and it feels like the world is being lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. I almost cry with relief as I push past the door and throw myself onto the bed beside her. She's right, she is a bit of a mess, her fiery red locks tangled and mussed around her face, her eyes puffy, her skin slightly blotchy and she's shaking like an autumn leaf in the wind. But she's beautiful. Her body and face speak volumes about sadness and grief in the most beautiful way; she's like a withering flower, delicate and oh-so-enchanting because of her fragility. I gather her up in my arms, letting her bury her face in my chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I whisper those two words like a chant, over and over again. As though the more often I say them, the more she'll be able to feel the weight of the words.

"I know," she breathes against my chest and something in my chest clenches tightly and for a moment, I'm without air because everything about her makes me breathless. But how can she forgive me for letting her down? I promised her the world, promised her the best time of her life if she married me and all I was able to give her was worry-filled nights and tears of grief. I'm a failure of a husband, a failure of a man.

"I'm sorry, I can't give you the life you dreamed of, but I want to, Lily, I want to so badly." I whisper the words fiercely against her hair, closing my eyes, as though that would be enough to stop the tears from making it past my eyelids.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," she tells me, her face still pressed against my chest and I can feel my shirt slowly becoming damp. "I chose this life, I chose you and nothing can make me regret my choice because you are all I ever wanted."

"But you deserve so much more; you deserve a husband who will stay with you every night. You deserve a man. And I'm still the boy who went to Hogwarts with his best mates and fucked everything up." She lifts her head from my chest and looks up at me with those gorgeous green eyes and for a moment, I forget everything; the war, the pain, the grief and it's just her and me. But then I see the tears and reality comes crashing down again.

"No." in this one word, she manages to sound both fierce and condescending. "Listen to me, James. You are all I ever wanted since our first date and as long as I have you, everything will be alright. And yes, things could be better, but as long as we have each other, we can make do."

"I don't deserve someone as lovely as you." I choke out the words, because her unwavering faith in me is so much more than I deserve and all I want to do now is cry with her. My breath is uneven and I can't help it. I want to be strong for her, but this cruel war makes me break and want to sob as well.

"You deserve me and more," Lily's voice is soft against my ear and her chin rests on my shoulder. Her sobs have subsided to hiccups and a few stray tears now and then.

"No, I don't," my voice cracks. I bury my face in her shoulder, knowing that it's utterly unfair for her to have to comfort me when she's so broken and I should be supporting her, but I'm a failure of a man. "You are so incredibly wonderful and there is no explanation for why you're still with me when there are a million men who can take care of you better than I can." I force the words out between sobs and a stream of tears.

"But no one will love me like you can." Her arms are wrapped tight around me and I'm all but crushing her to me. "No one can ever make me love them as much as I love you. Do you hear me James?" I nod because I'm not quite sure I can manage words right now. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her faith in me when I have none in myself. She deserves so much more than what I give her. She deserves a better life than what I can offer.

"You, James, have always been the love of my life and nothing will change that. And don't you dare say that I'm so much better than you because that is not true. I sure as hell don't deserve a man like you. I practically ruined you life." And now she's crying too, desperate sobs that make it hard for her to speak and she's clutching me as though she was drowning and I was the only thing keeping her afloat. "You could've lived without the worry, but I'm a – I'm a mudblood."

"No." I pry her away from me, forcing her to look at me, "You are a muggle-born. You are brilliant and kind and lovely and the brightest witch I have ever met. And you, you know I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I've wanted nothing but you my entire life."

"And I love you James, I love you, I love you." She once again buries her fact in my chest, but her sobs have subsided and even I have managed to reign in my tears. I pull her down to the bed so we're both lying down.

"We'll make this work, won't we, Lily?" Even if we're in the middle of a war.

"Yes," she nods vehemently, and I almost smile because she's so wonderful. But we will make this work, even amidst the death and blood. We'll be alright because I have her and she has me and that's all we need.