FOTD is what I'll call this fic, since it's a heck lot easier than typing out 'Failure of the Doofuses' every time. Say it like "farted," but with a British accent. So, yeah. The summary pretty much says it all. A few more things I'd like to add really quickly...

- I call Zoro Zolo since "Zorro" is pretty much my childhood hero and it keeps me a bit less confused to keep it to one "Zorro." (I also had read 17 Viz Media volumes before finding out "Zolo" is called anything else. 17 volumes is a lot, you betcha. That's... well... I was gonna say "17 volumes is all the way to Drum Island," but that's pretty early on, I guess...)

- If you're not up to nine crew members yet in the series, expect some spoilers as to who joins.

That will be all. Ksssh. -cuts out transmission-


Chapter One – Shopping Time! (Not Really)

"Gwaaahh!" Luffy screamed. "Gack! Zolo! Zolo! The bed's eating me! Auuughh! Hellllp!"

Zolo opened a single eye and watched Luffy pull himself under the blankets of one of the bunk beds. "Ugh. Be quiet, Luffy. I'm trying to take a nap."

"No, really, Zolo! I'm being eeeeeeaaaateen—Blaugh…" Luffy let out a final frantic yell and gurgle then completely pulled the blanket over himself.

"Idiot." And then Zolo went right back to sleep.

Opening the door to outside, Zolo was on the Thousand Sunny's lawn and let out a huge, exhausted yawn. "Well," he muttered to himself, "time to start training." Before he had the chance to lumber off to the training room, however, Nami stopped him.

"Zolo," she harshly said.

"Yeah? What is it, woman?"

"Where's Luffy? It's an hour past dinner. He's gone."

Oh, I missed dinner, huh? Ah well, Zolo thought. "Dunno. He probably forgot about his Devil Fruit and jumped into the aquarium to try and wrestle an oversized fish again."

Nami sighed. "No. We haven't seen him since this afternoon."

"Beats me." Zolo shrugged. "Check the library. Maybe he's trying to act smart by 'reading,' instead.

"Oh! Wait!" he continued. "He was in the bedroom taking a nap. Maybe he's still asleep."

Robin was walking by, and then she stopped, hearing the conversation. "Oh dear," she murmured.

Bewildered, Nami whirled around. " 'Oh dear,' what, Robin?"

"You sent me to buy the new mattresses."

"Yeah…" Nami motioned for Robin to continue. Zolo continued walking towards the ladder that went to the weight room.

"I believe that if Captain-san took a nap and isn't anywhere right now…" Robin trailed off in thought.

"What is it, Robin?" Nami wailed urgently. "What is it!"

"It must've eaten him."

"…Huh? Wait, what? How would it have eaten him?"

"You recall telling me to buy the cheapest mattresses, correct?"

"Yeah…"

"I did."

"I didn't tell you to buy them from a crazy magician that enjoys creating carnivorous inanimate objects!"

"You never said not to."

"…"

"Hm. I sure hope Captain-san is okay."

Sanji came bounding out of nowhere. "Ah, my two beautiful ladies! How are you doing tonight?"

Nami was in shock from Robin's information. She answered blankly, "A mattress ate Luffy."

"Hm?" Sanji grinned, blushing at his wonderful view of the orange-haired goddess. "What was that, Nami-san?"

"A mattress ate..." She couldn't say it.

"...Captain-san," Robin finished. "A mattress ate Captain-san, Mr. Cook."

"Eh?" Sanji gawped and his cigarette almost fell out of his mouth. "How does that work?" He looked to Nami for an explanation, but she was already curled into a tight ball on the grass, muttering to herself.

"…Robin-chan?"

"I believe I bought a maniacal mattress from a wizard that needed a couple extra berry."

"Robin…?"

"Oh. Here it comes right now."

"HUH?" Sanji whipped around and saw a white mattress shuffling through the door of the men's bedroom, the door gently creaking open. "Holy crap!"

He kicked the door shut.

BOOM!

A fierce wave of heat and flame burst from the sides of the door with the mattress's combustion.

"Robin… Where did you get that mattress? And, where's Luffy?" Sanji asked through a stiff mouth; he was looking rather horrified, almost grinding his cigarette in two.

"I don't really remember, and I believe Captain-san was just blown up if he really was devoured." She looked like she was deep in thought over what had just happened, when a faint yell was heard right above the archaeologist and chef… Slowly getting louder…

"aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Thud.

"Or maybe he just fell from the sky and landed right in between us," Robin suggested.

"Phew! That was a close one!" Luffy sighed. "That huge seagull almost ate me!"


-applause for the cruddy ending-