Tales of Tails
A collection of Nekotalia pairing drabbles and misadventures of the feline kind. Rated K for kitty fluffiness and rainbow vomit-inducing cuteness.
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Hi, everyone! There'll be a new Hetalia kittified chapter every few days or so—please let me know what pairings you'd like to see! Not all will be necessarily romantic.
First, we start off with one of the most classic of pairings in Hetalia—Germany and Italy, or rather Germouser and Itabby. ^_^ Farewell, my lovelings! Reviews are always appreciated! If you like, we'll come back to this story, though I think next segment will be devoted to Su cat and Finland feline. ;)
~*oOo*~
Germouser was not a lap cat, nor a little kit who played with string and lapped at cream. He was not raised in some cushy environment, meant to be nothing more than a "pet." The thought abhorred him. No, Germouser was a cat who glowered in the windowsill, hissing when cars or strangers (or worse, strangers with DOGS) passed by. He patrolled whenever his master was away from their neat and soldierly home, always on the alert.
He was a strict, no-nonsense, powerful cat who well-earned his name of 'Germouser' and proudly lined up his "trophies" in the garden (He'd tried to present them to his master but Ludwig had only gotten sick on the spot, so the feline knew well enough by now to keep them out of sight). He kept his dark fur sleek and shiny, though he didn't spend the day fretting about cleanliness like the long-haired pussy Austricat next door, who had to lick himself clean whenever he so much as stepped in soot. And every time he passed by the strange looking-glass his master called a 'mirror,' he made sure to battle with the angry, hissing feline who insisted on copying him and batting at him every time they saw each other. Germouser hadn't defeated his nemesis yet, but one of these days, he'd succeed in staring even HIM down. It was only a matter of time.
Germouser obviously could not tell time, but he was still a very schedule-oriented cat. He liked to take his naps when the sun was at a certain point in the sky, and he preferred to rise and retire the same times as his master. Nothing quite so irritated the militant cat as the disruption of his itinerary, and he was fond monotony. Spontaneity was unwelcome, unknown to his and his human's house, almost frightening in a sense.
Until the day Itabby came along.
One afternoon, while Germouser was enjoying a quiet snooze in the sun, he listened to the door open and the tired cat stretched his bones, flexing his claws. But he heard his master's voice, and he relaxed a little. Was it five o'clock already?
"So…I suppose I should tell you and Kiku to enjoy yourselves." Ludwig sounded tired, resigned. "I still don't know how you talked me into this…"
"Because you are so nice, you silly!" chimed a new, unfamiliar voice, and Germouser stiffened with surprise. He quickly leapt down from the windowsill and walked to the doorway near his master's boots, light blue eyes tense.
There was a young, mead-haired young man with caramel-colored eyes holding what appeared to be a small cage with many holes in it. He blinked at the sight of Germouser, and immediately his eyes lit up, as if he'd learned sausages or schnitzel were to be served for supper. He stooped and extended a hand out to the dark gray cat, who only frowned at him in response. "Ve….Ludwig, you forgot to mention how adorable Germouser was! Is so nice that Itabby has a friend to play with!"
Germouser nipped at the young man's hand when he'd tried to scratch him behind the ears. His owner stamped his foot and boomed "Germouser! Nein! Mind your manners!" The cat sent him an affronted look. What? He'd expected praise for that one. Who was this strange man and what business did he have coming here? Abashed, the cat stared at his paws and tried to stand at attention.
The young man slowly withdrew his hand. Germouser almost, repeat, almost felt sorry for the sad expression on his face, but it brightened up almost immediately.
"Ve, don't scold him, Ludwig! I'm sure he's a very nice kitty. Probably just shy!" Germouser's hair stood up at the one. Shy? "He and Itabby should be great friends just so long as he doesn't try to steal his pizza!"
"Feliciano, Vhy do you vant me to feed the vretched thing pizza?" asked Germouser's owner sullenly as he accepted the cage the man was holding. "Germouser does just fine on the occasional bit of liver, or sausage…the birds and vermin he catches…."
Germouser puffed out his chest with pride at that one, but to his surprise the human looked as horrified as if Ludwig had suggested throwing kittens into a furnace. "Oh, Itabby could never catch a mouse! And even if he did, he'd never eat it—who knows where it's been? Nope, he's a cat of fine taste! Which is why you must feed him pizza! Or pasta! Yes, better yet, lots and lots of pasta! Oh, but not the Spaghettios kind, either!" The man's face abruptly darkened, and were it not for Germouser's sense of pride, he would have fled behind his owner's ankles. "That is not pasta."
"I am regretting this already," Germouser's human muttered. Feliciano leaned forward and kissed Ludiwg on the cheek, which the tall blonde wiped off with a small scowl.
"Oh, is just for a while! Kiku and I will take lots of pictures and bring home pretty souvenirs and speak of all the lovely girls we meet!" The man bent over the cage and said gently, "You must have fun and be a good kitty, yes? Try to find a nice girl cat to eat pasta with!" The young man bounded down the steps, heading towards a shiny red vehicle. "Have fun, you three! Be good friends!"
Ludwig just gawked at him for a moment before he regained his composure. "V-vait! I've changed my mind—can't ve just drop him off at a shelter or something?"
"Oh, Luddy, you're so silly!" The man climbed into his car and merrily waved, eyes sparkling. "He would die there with no nice Luddy or Germouser! Please be good to my pussy!" he shouted. Ludwig turned red.
"Do you realize how vrong that sounds—"
"Ciao, bella! Will see you soon!"
And with that, Feliciano's car raced down the road, narrowly avoiding knocking over two mailboxes as he did so.
For a moment, Germouser's owner just stared at the road, aghast. Then, he let out a weary sort of groan and buried his face in his hands. "That kid…he better bring me back some quality beer for this one." He looked down at the cage he held in his arms. "Vell…I suppose ve might as vell get you inside, anyhow." The man sounded resigned.
Germouser watched attentively as the man lowered the box, where a pair of eyes were peering at Germouser from the darkness. The cat swallowed and raised his hackles, ready to pounce if need be. He'd seen that sort of cage before—he was carried in one himself whenever he had to visit the vet's. It was another cat. Would it be an annoying one with a superiority complex like his brother down the street? Did it want to fight? In that case, Germouser would have to bite his ear and let him know the social ladder for HIS home.
Ludwig tentatively opened the cage door, and a blur of honey-brown streaked out almost immediately, knocking directly into the startled Germouser and knocking him straight onto his back. He rolled with something—someone—seeing a merry smile flashing in and out of his eyes. He felt his back smack into a wall, and the dazed cat leaned back, waiting for the world to stop spinning.
When his vision cleared up somewhat, he saw a little gold calico perched atop of him, smiling serenely. Germouser was so overwhelmed by the cat's audacity that he was stunned silent. The cat nuzzled him, a low purr starting in its throat.
Germouser! Germouser! He mewed. It's so nice to meet you! I've heard so many things about you from my master! Let's be friends! You and I can eat pasta together and the two of us can go on walks, and have catnip, and play games and you can protect me from bullies and we can eat more pasta and—
Germouser had heard enough. With an angry hiss, he thwacked the cat across the face with a clawed paw, effectively clobbering him into the ground. While the intruder was dazedly meowing, Germouser leapt atop him, watching the smaller cat writhe and whimper.
Stay off of me, you little idiot! Yowled Germouser, ignoring the toffee-colored cat's desperate bids for freedom. I don't know what kind of nonsense your owner puts up with, but so long as you're in MY house, you obey ME and follow the rules! Italy cat quivered with fright underneath Germouser, his harsh stare keeping him pinned.
V-Ve, please let me go, Germouser…he pleaded.
Germouser lazily flicked out a claw, baring his teeth. Rule number one, stay off of me! Got it?
Ve, I do, I do.
Slightly appeased, Germouser slowly crawled off the newcomer, frowning at him as much as a cat could frown. Very good.
Itabby got up, looking surprisingly cheerful. Can we still be friends, Germouser?
In the process of grooming himself and retaining some dignity, Germouser just glowered at him. Are you a complete idiot? You just got here and I can't wait until your owner comes to pick you up! Just try and stay out of my way, and I won't kill you!
Itabby cocked his head slightly and purred. But we CAN be friends if I play nice?
Germouser snorted as his owner slowly shook his head at the display and went off to make supper. I suppose if you don't bother me, you'll stay out of my fur and I stay out of yours. We will not antagonize the other.
Is that a yes?
I suppose so.
Yay! Itabby attempted to leap upon Germouser, but the cat dashed away with another angry hiss. Rule Number One! Rule Number One, you little moron! Do you have dust in your head where your brains should be?
To his horror, he found Itabby licking his ear fondly. Oh, Germouser, you are so funny and scary all at the same time! Can I sleep in your kitty bed tonight?
Shuddering with mortification, Germouser tackled him again, teeth bared once again. That's it, you die now!
~*oOo*~
The dark-furred feline couldn't see how his master put up with the foolish visitor. If it had been him, he would have never agreed to accept the invalid to begin with—though to be fair, Itabby had been essentially thrust in the hands of Germouser's poor master. The calico was not independent like the stoic and proud Germouser; he unabashedly rubbed against Ludwig's ankles, purring for affection. On the first evening of Itabby's stay, Germouser had watched, incensed and startled as his owner uncertainly scooped Itabby into his arms and started scratching him behind the ears.
Later that night, Ludwig had been enjoying some liverwurst, bread, cheese, and beer for dinner whilst Germouser ate his canned cat-food (and a sausage Ludwig had given him) without complaint on the floor. But Itabby had yowled and whimpered and whined until Ludwig scooped him and his bowl up onto the table (The little cat had tried to eat with Germouser, who only kept nosing his bowl away from the menace, who couldn't seem to take a hint).
THEN, Itabby cried when he finally looked into his bowl and discovered dried cat food. Ludwig had looked at the list Feliciano had left him and groaned, irritably spooning the remnants of his own plate into Itabby's. The cat had been somewhat appeased by that, but it wasn't long before he was nosing Ludwig's hand, begging for a treat. The cat was small, especially in comparison to Germouser—but his stomach seemed to have ample amount of room for what had to be several truckloads of food.
What, doesn't your owner feed you? Asked Germouser irritably to Itabby while Ludwig was in the shower. What's the matter with you?
Itabby rubbed his ear with his hind leg. Mmm? I like yummy food, so master and I eat together! Your master's food isn't as good as my master's, but it was a good snack!
Germouser felt hot, and he pawed the rug like an angry bull, considering rushing Itabby down and clawing his fuzzy face. You don't know what you're talking about, you dunce!
But Itabby was already wandering away. Ve, I think I will join your master in the shower, he purred thoughtfully. I love hot showers! He danced away, idling towards the bathroom door, under which steam was drifting out.
Germouser abruptly pounced on Itabby, socking him upside the head with a paw. Owww! Ve, what was that for, Germouser?
You idiot! Were you dropped on your head as a kitten?
But I LOVE hot showers, whined Itabby, pawing at Germouser's ear again. Master and I take them together all the time! Don't you like taking them with your master? A spark of light entered Itabby's eyes. Ohhh! Maybe you and I should both go, it'll feel very nice!
N-Nein! Germouser stammered, hating how feeble he sounded. He loathed feeling remotely insecure about anything.
In that case, let's go to bed! It'll be warmer if we snuggle!
To be painfully honest, Germouser did not think Itabby would survive the first night.
~*oOo*~
Itabby cried like a little kitten when Germouser kicked him out of his bed, keeping both Germouser and his master awake. When Germouser stirred early the next morning and found Itabby dozing against him, he wearily contemplated kicking Itabby out again only to come to the conclusion that it was not worth the trouble. He'd have to find a new place to sleep, someplace where he didn't have to put up with Itabby's rumbling purr or the smell of garlic-covered tuna fish.
In the morning, while Ludwig and Germouser got ready for the day, Itabby stayed in the cat bed and curled up in the warm place where Germouser had been sleeping. Only when Germouser and Ludwig had started breakfasting did Itabby miraculously appear, eying his kitty dish of pasta unhappily. These are store-made noodles, he complained as Germouser ate his breakfast, doing his best to ignore him. I am happy your master made pasta for me, but they are not like my master's.
If you're so mad about your master, run away and find your way back to him, grumbled Germouser, finishing his breakfast and licking his chops. Itabby looked at him sadly.
Ve, doesn't your master ever make you supper? That is not happy if he doesn't!
Of course he does, stupid! Meowed Germouser at Itabby angrily as Ludwig got ready for work. He can't help it if you happen to be a spoiled and soft tabby! Grow up.
Sheepish and shy, Itabby licked at his paws, meowing sadly. Food is master's way of saying 'mia cara!' But he also gives me lots of hugs because I like lots of hugs and kisses very lots!
Then go back to your master. We don't want you here!
Itabby tentatively approached Germouser. Do you need hugs too? Of course you do! Everyone needs hugs! I will nuzzle you and make you full of happy so you won't be so grouchy.
Germouser hissed, all of his fur standing on end. Itabby ducked behind one of the legs of the kitchen table. D-don't come near me! I don't NEED hugs, you nimrod! And if you try touching me, I'll push your head in the toilet!
Itabby peeked out, looking puzzled. Ve? But I would not like that!
That's the point, idiot cat! Germouser growled. The two of them heard the door close and Germouser threw an ugly scowl at Itabby. There, you see? You made me miss saying goodbye to my master! I see him off every day!
Itabby shrunk in on himself, his meow tiny. I—I am sorry, he stammered. Love from master is so very important. You are very good cat, to see him off every day, so diligent! I sleep in when master goes away in mornings.
Germouser sniffed and looked away, warmth building in his cheeks at the compliment. But…but of course. He'd never heard anyone call him a very good cat before, and he found it strangely pleasant.
With a reluctant bob of his head in Itabby's direction, Germouser plodded off to the living room, only to find Itabby following after him. What are you doing? Asked Germouser with a groan.
Following you. Itabby hopped up to the window with Germouser.
Obviously you've spent too much time in the catnip patch, the German cat sniffed. Of COURSE I realize what you're doing, but I want to know WHY!
I want to see what you do all day! I'm curious!
Germouser's harsh stare softened somewhat. I stand guard.
Ve, like a dog! So cool! Itabby plopped on his back, stretched, and wriggled on the pillow. So cool, Germouser! Can I stand guard, too?
Germouser considered him for a moment. He supposed that it probably wouldn't hurt to have two cats on duty just for today. In fact, it'd probably help. ….fine. But be vigilant! He warned, turning his stare to the window.
Itabby nodded cheerfully, trying to look tough. Right!
The two looked outside the window for perhaps two minutes, and then Itabby's attention drifted over to Germouser's twitching tail. The cat flinched and tried to keep his gaze fixated on the outside world, but his eyes kept wandering back to it where it moved so tantalizingly…
There was nothing that Itabby believed didn't have SOME play value, whether it was a patched up piece of master's underpants or a bit of running water from a turned-on faucet, which he'd attempted to drink from. He batted at everything, from Ludwig's paper to his slippers to a bit of thread hanging off a pillow.
But this was the icing on the cake. Germouser started to quiver with anger when Itabby started playing with his tail, trying to chase it. What are you doing?
Play, play! Mewed Itabby. Play with me, Germouser.
I can't. I mean, don't want to. Germouser turned his intense gaze back out the window. What will master do if a robber shows up? We must be on guard!
That got Itabby's attention. A-A robber? He buried his head underneath a pillow. I'm scared! I thought robbers were only on the TV!
Of course they're not, you nut! Germouser exclaimed. At least for SOME part of the day, I have to stand watch! If a robber comes in, I must be ready to bite him and jump on his head and claw at him until he goes away!
Itabby poked his head out of the pillow, looking admiring. Ve…Germouser is so brave! It's so amazing!
Hmph. Germouser started to lick himself. What would YOU do if a robber showed up to the house? Hide?
Itabby blinked. Why, I would go up to him, greet him, ask him to pat my head, and hope he takes everything but the food!
Germouser let out a yowl. Nooo! If you do that, you and your master lose! You must fight if a robber comes!
T-that's scary! Itabby exclaimed. Master would not want me to get hurt, and how could I stop a thief? I suppose I could let the man my neighbor cat owns try and cook for him, he ventured, looking faintly ill. I remember when he brought over a plate of…of something to welcome my master and I to the neighborhood. Itabby winced in remembrance, making a face. But I would feel sorry for the poor robber.
Germouser just stared at him blankly.
You must have been born on a highway, he grumbled. That's where my master says the most accidents happen.
Far from looking insulted, Itabby just purred. We can always get more things, Germouser. Our masters bring things home all the time…we can't get more masters. Well, we can, but they won't be like OUR masters. Itabby walked around in a circle three times before he plopped down, looking ready for a nap. People are more important than things. That's what my master says when he does something silly and breaks a plate. I am sure Ludwig would not want you to get hurt if a robber came to the house. If I were Ludwig, I'd want to see a friendly face safe and sound and there rather than hurt trying to defend a desk! Itabby grinned. If I were Itabby, which I am, I would be okay if all master's things went out the door and you were just fine! Master would feel that way too, I am sure.
Germouser didn't say anything at all. The words were so unexpected and strange and wise all at once that he now felt a bit awkward, almost sheepish. He grunted and curled up into a ball, not certain what to do with himself. He didn't want to think that guarding the house was unnecessary, since it gave him such a great feeling of purpose, but now he wondered…
'Stupid Itabby,' thought Germouser sullenly. Now he'd need to find a new hobby. He tucked his paws underneath him and got ready for a good, long nap.
~*oOo*~
